#kanao

for: @hojoslutoru @biscuitsx @thecutienadq @denise-the-death-goddess

part-1

Tanjiro sat in front of a grilled radish.

Nezuko, recently dropped off by Urokodaki with a grunt of “She’s your problem now,” was chasing Zenitsu across the veranda with a stick she declared her “favourite stick.”

“NEZUKO-CHAN, PLEASE, I’M YOUR FUTURE!” Zenitsu screamed, vaulting over a bush.

“MMMMPHH!!” (YOU ARE DUMB.)

Urokodaki simply muttered something about “kids these days” and went off to take a nap that would last six years.

MEETING....

A Hashira-level emergency marital intervention meeting.

the topic?

“The kamados: Is their marriage crumbling?”

Seated in a shady tatami room of the Butterfly Mansion, surrounded by medicinal steam and judging silence, were the hashiras.

“I just know something’s wrong,” Mitsuri whispered, lip trembling. “Y/N-chan didn’t smile when I gave her daifuku yesterday.”

Shinobu nodded solemnly. “She’s been sighing a lot. Also stabbed the cutting board four times during lunch prep.”

Obanai glanced out the window. “Tanjiro’s been burning his rice balls. He says it’s fine. It’s not fine.”

Tengen slapped down a scroll.

“INTIMACY ISSUES” he declared. “I knew it.”

“Do you even know what intimacy is?” Shinobu asked.

“I have three wives,” he said proudly.

“That’s not an answer.”

INVESTIGATION...

A normal smile.

Tanjiro had just helped you carry a basket of herbs down the hill. You giggled when he tripped over a rock and he kissed your cheek.

Simple. Innocent. Domestic bliss.

And that’s when Mitsuri dropped her tea.

“Oh no,” she whispered.

Obanai frowned. “What.”

“That was their sixth forehead touch this week. I’ve been counting.”

“Don’t they seem... a little too happy?”

Tengen narrowed his eyes. “No one’s that happy.”

“Something’s wrong,” shinobu said, like she’d found a tumor on your soul. “That laugh was half a decibel too high. She's clearly using joy to mask rage.”

“Smile frequency has increased,” Giyuu muttered. “But actual eye contact decreased by 4.2%.”

Obanai narrowed his eyes. “Classic ‘we’re-faking-it-to-protect-the-group’ behavior.”

Giyuu nodded solemnly. “I’ve seen this before.”

“In who?”

“…My parents.”

The official theory was born(written by tengen):

The kamado couple are pretending. They’re suffering in silence. Probably haven’t touched hands in weeks. They’re staying together “for appearances.” And it’s our duty as good, flamboyant elders… to SAVE THEIR LOVE.

“No one touches a peach and makes eye contact unless they’re about to break up!”

Shinobu squinted. “What if… they’ve been fighting at night. Quietly. Pillow screaming.”

Mitsuri: “What if she’s emotionally neglected and just hasn’t noticed yet?!”

Muichiro: “What if they’re ghosts.”

Everyone: “Muichiro, please.”

ROOM A: TANJIRO + THE BOY BRAIN TRUST

Participants: Tanjiro (victim), Tengen (overconfident therapist), Obanai (cold-blooded realist), Giyuu (awkwardly silent), Sanemi (angry for no reason), Muichiro (accidentally helpful)

Tanjiro sits cross-legged on the floor like he’s about to be executed.

Tengen towers over him with a clipboard the size of a dinner table.

Sanemi slaps the wall. “You messed up. I don’t know how, but I can sense it in the air.”

Tanjiro: “We’re fine, I swear—”

Obanai interrupts. “When’s the last time she made you tea without sighing?”

Tanjiro, nervous: “Uh… maybe… last week?”

Tengen gasps. “YOU HAVEN’T HAD UNSIGHED TEA IN SEVEN DAYS?!”

Muichiro (eating a plum): “I think she’s spiritually dehydrated. You should check her stomach from the inside.”

Giyuu: “What?”

Muichiro: “What?”

Question 1: “When’s the last time you complimented her outfit?”

Tanjiro: “I always do! I said her haori looked cozy today!”

Sanemi: “COZY?! What is she, a futon? You wanna get divorced?”

Obanai: “She spent two hours sharpening her knives and all you said was cozy?”

Tengen: “That’s why she’s mad. You gotta say things like ‘you look like divine beauty who came just for me, my love.’”

Giyuu, quietly: “That’s… actually good.”

Question 2: “Do you know her rage signs?”

Tanjiro: “Uh… she tilts her head to the left when she’s about to verbally destroy someone? Also, her foot twitches before she threatens someone’s bloodline.”

Tengen, nodding: “These are your warning bells, Tanjiro. Ignoring them is how your marriage gets legally cursed.”

Question 3: “Do you emotionally overwhelm her with your kindness?”

Tanjiro: “Wha—what does that mean?!”

Tengen: “You keep giving her forehead kisses, soup, and metaphors. She might be choking on affection.”

Giyuu: “So… dial it down?”

Sanemi: “NO. You double down. Break her emotionally. Make her need your soup. Win.”

Tanjiro: “What???”

Obanai: “He’s right. Cry harder. Beg for her forgiveness until your dignity crumbles into sexy little pieces.”

Tengen (slamming hand on table): “Do you crave her touch, or merely accept it out of routine?”

Tanjiro: “I cried this morning because I missed her while she was brushing her teeth.”

Giyuu: “That’s concerning.”

Sanemi: “That’s pathetic.”

Muichiro: “You’re emotionally soft like mochi.”

Tanjiro: “…thank you?”

How many times a day do you kiss your wife?

Tanjiro: “Uhh… Like… nine? No wait, ten? Sometimes I kiss her nose too, does that count?”

Tengen, muttering: “Rookie numbers.”

When was the last time you told her she was sexy?

Tanjiro: “I don’t—can I say that?! I usually say she’s radiant. Or breathtaking. Or—”

Tengen, sobbing: “You sweet potato. That’s why she’s mad.”

Summary Conclusion from the male Hashiras:

Tengen, writing furiously: “Diagnosis: Romantic Imbalance. Recommendation: Extreme Compliment Therapy, Foot Kisses, and Apologetic Stew.” Sanemi: “Or do push-ups. With her under you. That always gets 'em. Preferably nake—”

ROOM B: Y/N + THE FEMALE JURY OF DOOM

Participants: You (main character), Shinobu (scalpel psychologist), Mitsuri (emotional lie detector), Kanao (silent judge), Aoi (burning with gossip)

You are seated in a warm room lit with low lamps. You haven’t even spoken yet.

Mitsuri (dramatic as hell): “Y/N. Are you happy?”

You blink. “Yes?”

Kanao (stoic): “Do you… feel heard?”

“Yes.”

Shinobu (serious): “Do you feel like your inner child has been hugged this week?”

“…I got a back rub this morning.”

Mitsuri (devastated): “Are you only staying because you love him so much, despite it being unreciprocated?!”

Mitsuri gasps: “YOU’RE UNTOUCHED, AREN’T YOU?”

“What?! No!”

“Do you feel seen in your marriage?”

You, blinking: “He kissed my ankle yesterday and told it ‘thank you for carrying my goddess.’”

Aoi: “Oh. Ew. Cute. Ew.”

Mitsuri: “So he does worship you.”

You: “Yeah. he also told Giyuu about it. While sobbing.”

Shinobu: “Mm. Emotional boundary violation. Add that to the ‘Over-sharing husband’ file.”

Do you feel emotionally nourished?

You: “What does that even mean—”

Mitsuri: “Do you feel like he waters your soul like a wilting hydrangea?”

You, blinking: “I—guess?”

Aoi: “She hesitated.”

“Has he made you moan in the last 72 hours?”

You: “EXCUSE ME?!”

Shinobu: “Emotionally. Or sensually. Interpret however you like.”

Mitsuri, nodding: “Love is a full-body phenomenon.”

You, flustered: “He made me cry when he cleaned my lab bench and said, ‘your work deserves holy ground.’”

Kanao holds up a sign: 10/10 Husband Move

Aoi: “Okay but… does he know when you’re ovulating?”

You, whispering: “Yes. He...has an incredible sense of smell??”

Mitsuri, scribbling: “So he’s a fertility empath.”

“Do you feel unbalanced in terms of dominance?”

You: “He gives me puppy eyes if I raise my voice. I once accidentally growled and he said ‘punish me gently.’”

Everyone: “…”

Shinobu: “We recommend a dominance reset. Make him beg.”

Kanao holds up another sign: Step on him

Summary Conclusion from the female Hashiras:

Shinobu: “Diagnosis: deep-rooted sensual affection.” Mitsuri: “Recommendation: Flirty threats. Back kisses. Do NOT speak to him for 48 hours and then appear in silk(or naked).” Aoi: “Also? Use his forehead as a coaster. Reclaim power.” Kanao: [draws a knife heart and labels it “communication”]

At dinner(force joined by others):

You tried to eat quietly. Tanjiro passed you the pickled daikon with a tender smile.

“I seasoned it like you taught me.”

You coughed. “Thanks.”

Silence.

Then Tengen leaned to tanjiro and stage-whispered:

“Touch each other.”

You and Tanjiro both dropped your chopsticks.

Obanai added, monotone: “He meant hold hands. You both look like coworkers.”

Tanjiro hesitated—then gently reached across the table and squeezed your fingers. Warm. Familiar. Slightly trembling.

“…Are you okay?” you asked.

He looked at you like a man who’d been forgiven by the gods. “Now I am.”

You smiled.

Tengen threw a confetti bomb.

Later…

You both lay in bed, the sliding doors open, the night breeze rustling the paper lanterns. Tanjiro curled into you slowly, carefully.

“I was scared you were mad,” he murmured.

“I was mad,” you admitted. “But only because I missed you and you kept getting compliments and feeding people who aren’t me.”

He buried his face in your neck. “I’ll never let anyone else eat my pickles again.”

You laughed softly. “Tanjiro, that’s not the part I’m mad about.”

He blinked.

“…Wait, which part then?”

“I’ll show you.”

You kissed him.

The crows outside exploded into chaotic screaming.

“OH GROSSSSS,” one cawed. “HE’S USING TONGGUUE.”

“CALL THE GODS, THEY’RE DOING THE CAW-CAW ACTIVITY!!!!”

*

Bonus:

"BECOME BETTER HUSBAND THAN KAMADO: DAY 1."

Inosuke (yelling at a tree): “OKAY. FIRST. I NEED TO LEARN... EMOTIONS.” He punches the tree. “...OW.”

Step 1: Study the Target.

He pulls out a drawing of you that looks like it was sketched by a squirrel with arthritis. Below it are notes:

“SOFT. DEADLY.”

“SCIENTIST? FIGHTS PLANTS?”

“ONCE CALLED ME ‘FOREST GREMLIN’ = AFFECTION.”

“She likes food. And violence. I MUST COOK.”

Cue him attempting to boil water using only sticks, a rock, and his willpower. The pot catches fire.

Step 2: Husband Reflex Training

He ties a log to his back and does squats while yelling:

“THIS IS FOR HER LUGGAGE! I WILL CARRY HER THROUGH MUD! THROUGH SNOW! THROUGH EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY!”

A squirrel throws an acorn at him. He screams, “MARRIAGE IS PAIN!”

Step 3: Learn Romantic Speech.

He holds up a scroll labeled "Tanjiro's greatest wife lines" (stolen from Zenitsu’s sad little diary):

"You are the moon to my blood-soaked sky." "I would fight a thousand demons for your touch." "You make miso taste like love."

Inosuke tries to say them:

“YOU ARE THE MOON… TO MY… BLOOD-SOUP SKY!!”

The rabbit runs away.

“YOU MAKE MISO TASTE LIKE —OVE. LOVE!!”

Step 4: Practice Proposals

Inosuke kneels before a tree stump holding a bouquet of slightly chewed flowers.

“Y/N! BE MY WIFE! I BRING YOU RABBITS DAILY!”

He pauses. Rehearses again.

“Y/N! I PROMISE TO STAB FOR YOU. TO COOK YOU… BURNT THINGS. TO—TO LOVE YOU LIKE KAMADO NEVER DID!”

dramatic boar screech.

He slams his head into the dirt.

“THIS IS FOR LOVE!”

Step 5: Interrogation Prep

He lifts a dummy made of logs and cloth labeled “TANJIRO.” It has a poorly drawn forehead scar.

“I HEARD YOU BROKE HER HEART.”

He punches it.

“DID YOU FORGET HER FAVORITE TEA?!”

He suplexes it.

“WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TOLD HER SHE SMELLED LIKE ROSES?!”

He headbutts it into oblivion.

“GET READY, KAMADO! I’M COMING FOR WIFE!!”

A tree falls in the background.

Zenitsu (horrified): “WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN GLITTER?!”