#lovedare

Bible Verses for today:

Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire. - SOS 8:6 Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood, but who can stand before jealousy? - Proverbs 27:4  The Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.- Deut 4:24 

RECAP

Jealousy’s root word is ‘zeal’ which means to burn with an intense fire.  There is GOOD jealousy and BAD jealousy.

Good jealousy speaks from a place of love. Jealousy that is legitimate like a spouse who is jealous when his mate whom he loves turns her heart away from him or replaces him with someone else.  Or someone who is longing to have back what is rightfully hers. It is a righteous jealousy, not stemmed from envy (envy means it does not belong to you but you covet it). Daddy God does not want anything else to take precedence over Him in our hearts. His jealousy is a righteous one and He desires to have a personal relationship with us & that we worship Him alone. 

Bad jealousy speaks from a place of selfishness and envy. For example, when your friend is more popular and you feel resentful because you want to be popular like she is. Or your colleague got a promotion and you feel bitter. Jealousy is something everyone struggles with in varying degrees. One upmanship is a form of jealousy. That need to be better than others can be healthy competition sometimes, but many a times it can also consume one in anger and cause one to wish ill of others. It poisons the heart and prevents you from loving your neighbours.  When we are consumed by jealousy, we can even end up plotting against them. It leads to fights, arguments and evil deeds or feelings.  The murder of Abel by his brother, Cain, is the first display of jealousy. The resentment felt by Cain for Abel because the latter’s sacrifice was accepted but not his own, causes him to murder his brother.  Joseph being thrown in a pit, sold as a slave and passed off for dead by his brothers to his father is yet another example of jealousy.  The pharisees feeling anger that Christ was getting more likes from the crowd and growing in popularity led to them killing him.  We feel jealousy usually towards those living amongst us and who are connected to us via home, work, school or community. It can also happen between family members or even, a married couple. 

A couple should be each other’s cheerleader and biggest fan, but some times one spouse might develop jealousy and envy instead.  Eg. When one spouse is seen to be enjoying himself or herself more over the weekend by the other who might be stuck with cleaning and caring for the kids.  Or a spouse is often left alone whilst the other heads out to enjoy time with friends, so the other feels jealous that their mate is more popular.  Love is NOT selfish and it should put others first. We must not let jealousy in. We should celebrate their areas of victory rather than resent them for it. If our spouse is having more fun, or are more skilled in an area, or getting more recognition, we should celebrate and congratulate since we are of ONE flesh. We should not simmer or be green with envy. We should not feel sorry for ourselves and be filled with contempt for the other.  Our spouse completes us and not competes with us. Publicly praise them and congratulate them instead of trying to steal the spotlight from them.

We need to let love, humility and gratitude replace jealousy in our hearts. We should let our victories draw us closer and see them as opportunities to bond and celebrate together. 

What are we practicing today?

Not being jealous or envious

How are we practicing this?

Be your spouse’s greatest fan. Reject thoughts of jealousy. Take the list of negative attributes and quietly destroy it to symbolise your freeing yourself from the bonds of jealousy. From now, focus on their positive aspects. Share with your spouse afterwards how proud or glad you are for the success they have recently enjoyed.

Reflect

How hard was it to destroy the list? What positive experiences can you celebrate? How can you encourage them to better successes ahead? 

Bible Verses for today:

Love believes all things, hopes all things. – 1 Cor 13:7

RECAP

In our hearts, we remember the good things and the bad things about our spouses. In one space, we grow in appreciation. In the other space, we grow in contempt or depreciation. We remember how awesome our spouse is. What are the lovely qualities that drew us to them, what are the positive attributes about them that have made us smile and look to them tenderly or lovingly? What are sacrifices they have made for you? What kindness and tenderness have they shown you? Recall these to mind. We tend to dwell a lot on these positive things when we are in love.  It is so easy to instead dwell on their negative qualities such as the way they have irritated you, the arguments you had, the bad habits... we tend to dwell a lot on these unhappy thoughts after we got married. We might even regret marrying our spouse or wonder if we can leave the marriage. These thoughts are scarring and cancerous. These are the thoughts that cause relationships to come to an end as we grow in contempt for our spouses.  Both the bad qualities and good qualities of our spouses are true. As much as they have weaknesses, they also have strengths... just as we do! How often we look closely at what is wrong with them even as we turn a blind eyes to what is wrong with us. 

When we love our spouses, we know they have issues but we choose to love them any way. We choose to focus on the things that make us appreciate them, and believe the best of them. We pray for the things that they struggle with and cover them with love & tender mercies. We pray for and look forward to the talents they have yet to display. We pray and look forward to the dreams they will fulfil. Whether our spouses deserve it or not, we choose to love them regardless of their qualities right now. 

What are we practicing today?

Believing the best in our spouse.

How are we practicing this?

Get 2 sheets of paper. On one, write out all the awesome things about your spouse. On the other, list the negative attributes. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for them. At the end of the day, pick a positive quality from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic. 

Reflect

Which was the easier list to make? What did this reveal to you about your thoughts? What attribute did you thank your spouse for having? 

Bible Verses for today:

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. - Proverbs 16:32

Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. - Matthew 12:34

Other recommended readings (do read) Col 3:12-14; Philippians 4:6-7; Exo 18:17-23);  James 4:1-3; Eph 4:31; 1 Tim 6:9-10

RECAP

Love is slow to be offended/ irritated and quick to forgive. A person who loves is not easily triggered and not waiting to hit back when upset. Love is not quick to express our hurt or frustrated they are.  Love does not break under pressure. Minor issues do not lead to major reactions.  Loving spouses keep their tempers in check. They remain calm and patient, gracious and merciful. They are not easily bristled and are emotionally stable. The fruit of the Holy Spirit is a sound mind. They are not easily stirred up and are calm.  People get irritated because of

1) Stress

2) Selfishness  Stress is emotionally heavy. It saps us of our life force and shortens our fuse. It also makes us unwell. Stress can be caused by relational causes (arguments, divisions, bitterness) or excessive causes (overwork, overspending, overplaying) or deficiencies (not enough rest, not enough exercise, not enough nutrition). Many a times, we are the cause of our own stress. We need to find a good work, life balance. We need to be aware of our stress levels so we do not end up at breaking point which can badly affect the various areas of our life.  A good way out of stress is to spend time with the Word. In it, there is much wisdom on how to handle stress. 

Selfishness is a problem of the heart. When we are annoyed, our heart is the heart of the problem.  Some people cave in under pressure and their mouths speak unpleasant things. Some people withstand pressure well and even though they are in a negative place, they still practice gratitude and speak sweetly.  If we get upset easily, a root issue is often either because we are self centred or because we are insecure. Selfishness can also come in the form of lust, bitterness and greed. Things centred around such negative conditions can not satisfy us.  We need to let go of things that are not needful or good for us.  Forgive grudges, Practice gratitude. Not envy but be happy for someone else. To share rather than to be at loggerheads. To prioritise family over work. A choice that is made out of love makes us feel less stressful or bitter. When we are less stressful or bitter inside, it shows in the way we interact with our spouses and loved ones. We become positive and edifying. 

What are we practicing today?

Not being irritable.

How are we practicing this?

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life. 

Reflect

Where do you need to add margin to your life? When have you recently overreacted? What was your real motivation behind it? What decisions have you made today? 

I need to prioritise face to face time with hubby where I am present and connecting with him. It is so easy to get distracted by media/ social media/ the problems happening out there. I need to switch off from all of that to have honest and authentic time with him. 

I overreacted when hubby misunderstood me, and I kept trying to highlight to him that he had misunderstood me because I really did not like being misunderstood. He already got it but I went into defensive overdrive and even hoped silently that he would apologise for it... then I felt annoyed that he was not apologetic.... until I stopped my thoughts, centred myself, practiced gratitude for my husband and recalled all his wonderful qualities. One misunderstanding is nothing compared to all the amazing things we have. Being frozen, being quarrelsome about it is just not worth it. How would winning this battle grow the relationship? Perhaps my being annoyed will annoy him, perhaps having him apologise because I am asking for an apology will just make me more irritated & it will be a vicious cycle of resentment. So I stopped. I shifted.

I chose the win-win solution...

because I wanted our relationship to win... so we win by letting forgiveness, tolerance and love win. It was a stupid misunderstanding that should not be given so much power to hurt our love, and our peace as a couple. It is a little fox that I am glad I caught. 

Bible Verses for today:

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him. - Proverbs 27:14

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. - Proverbs 25:24 Good will come to those who are generous and lend freely, who conduct their affairs with justice. - Psalm 112:5  Do to others as you would have them do to you. - Luke 6:31

RECAP

Being rude really rubs people the wrong way and is unnecessary. It makes it unpleasant for people to be around us & can be embarrassing to witness. It also is unbecoming.  Ways we can be rude include using expletives, being sarcastic/ cynical, having no manners. 

We might not feel it on the giving end, but people are affected on the receiving end by this negative behaviour.  When we love someone, we mind our manners around us. We exercise self control because we value them. The relationship will increase in respect and honour.  Our choice of words/ actions/ deeds when we are with our spouse or family should be above those when we around our friends and total strangers. We should give our loved ones our best. How odd then that most of us break into a smile and are polite when we open the door to a stranger, when just before that we might have been fuming about something in the home. This is such food for thought.  The bible reminds us women not to be quarrelsome and reminds the men to be gracious. We each have our tendencies/weaknesses and areas we are stronger in. We need to work on the former even as we reinforce the latter.  People are usually rude because they are ignorant or selfish. Sometimes we are too self absorbed to realise how toxic we have become due to our mannerisms. Questions to ponder:

- How does my spouse feel about the way I speak and act around them? - How does my behaviour affect my mate’s sense of worth and self-esteem? - Would your spouse say you're a blessing or that you're condescending/embarrassing?  Do not assume that our spouses are the only ones that need to do work to improve in this area. If we want change to happen in the relationship, it starts with us. When we change, we change the relationship too. Love uplifts. Love does not act rudely.  If we want our spouse to stop doing things that upset us, we should also stop doing the things that upset them.  We need to challenge ourselves to be thoughtful, to make a loving effort in understanding what irks our mates better and what we can do improve our relationship and being about delight.  The Love Dare maps out 3 rules to follow:  1) Treat our spouse the way we want to be treated

2) Be as considerate to our spouse as we are to strangers/ colleagues/ friends. 3) Consider the requests your spouse has of you. Ask if you are unsure. 

What are we practicing today?

Not being rude.

How are we practicing this?

Ask our spouse to tell us the 3 things that cause him/her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behaviour. This is from their perspective only.

Reflect

What things did your spouse point out about you that need your attention? How did you handle hearing it? What do you plan to do to improve these areas?

My hubby shared the three areas that I need to give attention to but he also added that, "I’ve also come to accept that it is part of who you are, and it also partially where you draw your creative energy. It allows you to think out of the box and be spontaneous... I can see that, in this season, you’ve tried really hard to improve, and I’m grateful for whatever you’re already doing. And I’m sure you’ll continue to improve in this area with each passing day. But most importantly: With everything I try to remember that I didn’t come into marriage with the expectation that you’ll change. I have to accept that many of these traits are also what make you, you. And I love you despite all of the above.”

Bible Verses for today:

Every single moment you are thinking of me! How precious and wonderful to consider that you cherish me constantly in your every thought! O God, your desires toward me are more than the grains of sand on every shore! When I awake each morning, you’re still with me. - Psalm 139:17-18

It is not good for the man to be alone, so I will create a companion for him, a perfectly suited partner.  - Gen 2:18

RECAP

Love is mindful. It is not just emotions alone. 

When we first started dating our partners, our minds were trained on them. We thought about them constantly, rehearsed the moments spent together whenever we are apart. We could not stop thinking about them.  This sometimes changes after marriage. We each possess the other, and for some, the motivation to keep thinking of each other is no longer there because it feels like the exciting hunt is over. This causes the romance to also cool off and eventually fade into a kind of jadedness where we focus on ourselves (our work, our friends, what we want, where we want to go, how we feel etc) and no longer train our thoughts on each other.  We need to be mindful and intentional about the presence of our significant other in our lives. We do this through being inclusive, through being respectful, through remembering special dates or memories that are significant to them. In this way we do not miss out on any opportunity to show our spouses special attention, care, concern and love.

There is also a difference between the way men and women think. Men are  mostly hyper focused but are not able to multitask. They are built for the hunt and this serves them at work. Women multitask and are usually more relationship oriented. Women are more sensitive and empathetic and attuned. Men are frank and speak their mind. Women speak between the lines and read between the lines so they tend to drop hints. Understanding the differences between the way we perceive situations and process information will help us avoid misunderstandings and disagreements. The same differences are also why we are great help mates for each other. Where one is lacking, the other is able to bridge the gap.  Women mostly want to feel loved and desire that their spouses are thoughtful. Women drop hints about how they want to be treated, what needs they have in the things they say. This tendency to hint rather than to speak upfront is a problem because they tend to feel like they have already given clues about why they are upset or what they need, but most men being more obtuse in this area, fail to catch it and will feel lost, and sometimes, maybe even upset because they think they are being asked to be mind readers, or that they are being punished for something they didn’t know they did.  We need to be thoughtful. We need to desire to build bridges and be constructive in the way we think and communicate. We should avoid approaching problems with a win-lose mindset as a couple, where someone must be in the wrong and it isn’t us. We should think before we speak. We should filter our words through loving kindness even as we are honest, open, and authentic. We should keep our emotions in check as we talk to each other and be objective.  When was the last time we spent time thinking about our other half, trying to understand them better and show them our love? What is an immediate need they have that we can meet? Is there a special occasion that we can start preparing for already?  To have a strong marriage and a good marriage, we need to come from intention. 

What are we practicing today?

Thoughtfulness

How are we practicing this?

Contact your spouse during the day. Let your only agenda be checking in on how they are faring and asking them if there is anything you could do for them.

Reflect

What did you learn about yourself or your spouse by doing this today? How could you turn this into a more natural, more genuine habit that is truly helpful? 

Bible Verses for today:

1) Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honour. - Romans 12:10

2) Love never thinks of itself - 1 Corinthians 13:5 3) Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3 

RECAP

The world focuses on self and personal happiness is the ultimate goal.  This kind of thinking does not work well within a marriage.  The opposite of love is selfishness. Selfish motive is the heart of sinful choices. It is a negative trait that we all struggle with from birth to varying degrees.  And we often demand more from our other half than we demand of ourselves. When we put our personal interests, desires, priorities before our spouse’s, we are being selfish. When we constantly murmur about the sacrifices that we need to make for our loved ones, we are also showcasing selfish quality (because we are more focused on our feelings).  1 Corinthians 13:5 says that love ‘does not seek its own’. Love looks for ways to take good care of our significant other regardless of their flaws.  Sometimes seemingly generous actions can also be selfish if their motives are to exploit the action to receive attention/ bragging rights/ a reward (emotional/ material/ physical). When we choose love, sometimes it means that we choose to say yes to the needs of our loved ones and no to what we want. We prioritise the happiness of our spouse and in doing so, we come to understand and fulfil the greater purpose of marriage.  Questions to ask ourselves 1) Do I truly want what is best for my spouse? 2) Do I want him/her to feel loved by me?

3) Does he/she believe I had his/her best interest in mind? 4) Does my spouse see me as looking out for myself first?  How do our spouses view us? Do they experience us as being loving or selfish? When we take the initiative to actively demonstrate love and selflessness to them, we take the first step to changing our marriage and what it is built on. 

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3

What are we practicing today?

Selflessness

How are we practicing this?

Today we are to buy something for them that we choose with much thought and effort that says, “I was thinking of you today.” It should show them how invested we are in them. (This is on top of refraining from speaking negatively to them)

Reflection

What did you choose to give your spouse? What happened when you gave it?

Bible Verses for today: 

1) But instead be kind and affectionate toward one another. Has God graciously forgiven you? Then graciously forgive one another in the depths of Christ’s love. - Ephesians 4:32  2) Don’t ever forget kindness and truth.   Wear them like a necklace.   Write them on your heart as if on a tablet. Then you will be respected   and will please both God and people. - Prov 3:3-4 3) She speaks wise words and teaches others to be kind.- Prov 31:26

RECAP

Kindness is love in action. 

Love reacts with patience to minimise the negativity in a situation. 

Love reacts with kindness to maximise positivity in a situation. 

Love makes us kind. 

Personal reflection: That made me realise that when we are feeling a little low on the love tank because of our experiences and interactions wearing us thin especially when we have not been drawing from His well that does not run dry... we become unkind and we become impatient with those around us (esp the ones that matter most to us and whom we know will forgive and love us no matter what we dole out to them).  The bible reminds us in Proverbs 3:3-4  Don’t ever forget kindness and truth.    Wear them like a necklace.    Write them on your heart as if on a tablet. Then you will be respected    and will please both God and people.

Kindness is made of 4 components 

Gentleness

Helpfulness

Willingness

Initiative 

Gentleness - We are not unnecessarily harsh. We are sensitive and tender. We make our correction easy to stomach even as we speak the truth lovingly. Helpfulness - We meet the needs of the moment. We prioritise give to and serving our spouses’ needs over our own.

Willingness - We choose to be agreeable and cooperative instead of being argumentative, stubborn, reluctant. We end potential arguments by our willingness to listen first instead of making our own demands.  Initiative - We take the first step. We do not need to be prompted or manipulated into action. We smile first, greet first, serve first, love first, forgive first...  Love and Kindness is in operation in the parable of The Good Samaritan The Samaritan and the man come from two different peoples who are in bitter strife yet he stopped to show kindness and love out of his own initiative and compassion. It cost him but he did it any way.  When we decided to get married to our spouse, we also expected kindness to be a crucial quality/ foundation of our marriage as long as we both shall live.  It is easy to become jaded especially on days we feel no reason to show any love or kindness. But love is not based on how we feel. It is choosing to be thoughtful and kind even when there isn't any reward. It is not possible to love without kindness. 

How will our spouse and kids describe us on a kindness meter? The Proverbs 31 woman is praised and loved by her kids and husband because “She speaks wise words and teaches others to be kind.” (verse 26)

What are we practicing today? 

Kindness

How are we practicing this?

* Keep speaking positive words to your spouse.  * Show your spouse at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. 

Reflection

What discoveries about love did you make today? What specifically did you do in this dare? How did you show kindness?