#love-triangle

Sunday 19th of October 2014 was the prettiest, sunny, spring day 🌻✨! The kendo club held its barbeque for the beginners, and simultaneously, it was a birthday party for me and Fukuda-sensei! (Thanks to President Tony 😉). I invited some of my friends to the barbeque. It was such a lovely afternoon…

Since it was a kendo party, I had organised a custom kendo-themed cake which Fukuda-sensei loved. He even used the mini fondant shinai to tsuki the cake 😂!

I could tell Marianne was getting increasingly annoyed at all the attention I was getting... 

But I did my best to ignore it, since I was doing my best already not to interact with Tony or tread on her toes in any way. Instead, I spent the day getting closer to the other beginners, speaking to as many people who weren’t Marianne or Tony as possible. 

Before Jenny and Quinton had to leave the party, Jenny leant in close and whispered in my ear, “you might want to watch out for that one,” tilting her head slightly, towards Marianne who was still fuming in the background. 

“I’ve been watching her and she keeps shooting you dirty looks, especially any time Tony comes near you. You might want to keep your distance.”

“Ah… You’re right,” I sighed. “Thanks, Jenny…”

The barbeque went on later than I expected, and we only started to leave once it started getting dark, around 7pm, since it was the middle of spring.

We all started to head off after the sun had started to set, but by this time, only Tony, Marianne, Jewon, Harry, Narong, Harris, Mallory and I walked from the park, back to the city.

While Tony talked to me and Mal, I noticed Marianne speed up and overtake us, walking quite far ahead. Harris (unsurprisingly to me), also sped up and overtook us. I wondered if other people had noticed... There was something I was noticing about Harris lately, that I found blatantly obvious, and wondered if anyone else noticed (that’s for another chapter though.)

But it was so fun and effortless talking to Tony. As it got darker, I had trouble navigating the unfamiliar path back to the city, full of overgrown roots splitting through the pavement, and loose branches obscuring the walkways. The area looked so different in the day to how it did in the night; if I had been alone I would have definitely been frightened. But I felt safe being in the presence of all these people, but especially Tony. 

Everyone walked to the station except Narong who had to finish an assignment at uni, and Tony and I who pretty much already lived in the city. The night still felt young, so Tony and I decided to share sweets at the café, Oliver Brown. 

The D&M I shared with Tony made me feel so close to him. But I told him how he shouldn’t have been acting so close with me since Marianne didn’t seem very happy today. He said he noticed it too, that she was upset lately… He told me how he didn’t think things would work out between them, because they had some fundamental view differences that he hoped she would realise this and break things off.

I asked him why he thought things weren’t going to work out, and why he was reluctant to break things off himself. What he replied with almost broke my heart.

“Because I still care about her, and so I can’t do that to her.”

What did that mean? That he still loved her...?

He told me about how Marianne was someone who’d been through a lot, and he tried to help her through it and be there for her, but they didn’t see eye-to-eye about a lot of things. 

The song “So Beautiful”, by Pete Murray was playing while we were talking. As we talked intensely, it felt like our eyes were locked; we didn’t look away from each other and then he started singing to me.

His eyes looked so sad, and he even reached out to me at the part where he was like “God, my fingers burn now when I think of touching your hair”. That moment I felt a mix of heavy feelings. On one hand, I really felt like, “I am meant to be with this person.” But I asked myself, “how can I feel so sure when everything happening are signs it’s not meant to work? What if she wanted to stay with him and they worked it out? What if he actually still loved her?” My emotions were swirling and part of me felt like signs were pointing that I was the one he loved, but my logical brain told me, “how can you be so sure when he’s never told you exactly how he feels. He’s never told you he will leave her for you. Maybe you are just a fool.”

All I could do was sit and listen.

He told me how on the surface, he seems like a strong, reliable person, who will always be there when something happens, but how he used it as a mask. He told me how he puts on an act of strength; how he tried to be invincible for the people around him so they feel supported… That he actually had a lot of insecurities he felt he couldn’t share with other people. To me, the fact that he cares so much about the people he cares about is one of his many strengths.

I wanted to tell him acting invincible alone isn’t strength, but the strength is the things he does for the people he cares about… And despite his insecurities, I felt like he’s so amazing and I just— I listened to him and felt like… I could relate too… all the staying strong I had to do for my family, so that they wouldn’t have to worry, even though I was stressed, afraid and exhausted about the things I was meant to stay strong about. But I didn’t say any of that. I was left speechless… lost in thought.

He talked about his “selfishness”; how he only keeps close the people of value to him and not investing so much in people that didn’t add value or meaning to his life. He asked if it made him a bad person. I told him honestly it didn’t, because I was the same. It’s not selfishness to respect and value yourself first and surround yourself with only people who reflect those values. 

I wondered what kind of value I added to his life; how I was useful. So far it seemed like all I did was lean on him for support. Him walking me home after kendo every night, him comforting me when I was upset, him helping me during kendo, helping me study…

I also talked to him a little about the Harris/Mal situation that was escalating (like I said, more on this in a different chapter 😜). Tony’s attitude towards the situation was so nice and big brother-like; another one of his characteristics that I really liked. 

We had been sitting at that café for a couple hours, but it didn’t feel like long until Narong had finished his assignment and asked if we were still around and came to join us. When we all hung out I felt like, “damn it! I wish something would happen sooner so that Tony could be mine and Narong would just leave me alone because we’re not even compatible.” 

I’ve never felt so much like someone is meant to be with me, as I do with Tony. But I’m being selfish. 

Hi, please tell me this is foreshadowing for possible love-trianges so i can be excited about season 3????

Or

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