#lotsofthem

Wow, Day 14 whipped my butt. I’m tired, my shoes are sopping wet, some asshole just charged me 4 euros for piss water (I wanted tap!!(Evian my ass)), and I got into an altercation over the window seat (I won for once).

I’m going to be on this bus for eight hours and I’d love to throat punch a teletubbie. Honestly, any childhood character that failed to prepare me for the rigors of everyday life could get it right now.

Let it be known, I’ve been positive for most of this trip! I just think tiny things are adding up and it’s starting to tick me off.

For starters, I hate not knowing French and I hate being taken advantage of, something I think has probably happened a lot subliminally during my time here.

Something I’ve noticed is this stirring tension within. It’s so conflicting; I’m both lonely but also slightly detesting humans at this point. I like my “me” world, a world I honestly didn’t know existed till a few days ago. My world is so simple. Any problems are black and white and any grey area is quickly done away with. Still, I like people. I love communicating. Yet, on days like today I feel I’ve inherently set myself up for foolishness.

Cue my #1 hit single “Played Myself” featuring DJ Hot Mess (The I’m low key crying in the club remix)

I think the root of all this anger is that I’m he common denominator. I’ve noticed a trend. I’m always my own worst enemy. My best laid plans, mapped out to a tee, come crashing down because of me. At the end of the day, that frustrates me more than anything. I can curse out rude waiters in my head all day long, but I have to go to bed with me. Wake up with me. Live with me, myself, and I.

But I also love that. I love that I know me. I love that I have someone to blame, and even more that I’ll openly accept responsibility and be held accountable for my own actions; something I don’t see very often with others..

I remember sitting on the bus to Paris from London, and as our bus drove onto a ferry boat, into a shipping container (absolutely terrifying by the way), I thought to myself what if this ship goes down? Like full blown Titanic?? I mean that’s at least three incasings to make your way out and then you’re in the freaking English Channel. I thought, in my mind’s mind, after buying literally the worst donuts I’d ever eaten with my last few pounds, and not being able to use the restroom at the bus station (because they charged you for it of course), that I wouldn’t even want to be my own best friend.

I’m a mess! If it were the Titanic, I’d push me off the door! Like bruh, get it to together. Lol I sat there thinking to myself, “I’m growing more ornery and calloused by the minute” (my thoughts at that time in my mental state). I found myself without a charged phone, charger, or even an outlet, cold, wet (like I am now) I just..I did not want to be my own friend. I hated me.

I hated that things couldn’t be perfect. That I didn’t have more, know more, and I was pissed that I hadn’t thought everything out. My ‘throw caution to the wind’ attitude had consequences and I was responsible for them. Yep, no one said being held accountable was fun.

After that bus ride, as I’m sure will be the case after this one, I returned to equilibrium. In times of extremes, it’s easy to lose sight of reality; something that even as I wrote this, I experienced.

I’ll try and learn from today and “build” a bigger door for the next shipwreck <read: minor life crisis> (or I could just move over a little because the door really was big enough).