#losingatwin

Well, I go on to fight another day. After my twin’s funeral on the 21st December, yesterday was my first day as a twinless twin. Coming up to Christmas, it is even more difficult.

A twinless twin, is an individual who had a twin but who has died. Whether as a twin you were close or not, the twin connection is very real. You were conceived together, you grew in the womb together, you shared a life and that link never severs or diminishes.

There is no getting away from the fact that my life has changed from being a twin to being twinless. But you never stop being a twin. I was born a twin, I will die a twin, when it’s my time to ‘go.’

For surviving twins, without our living twin, we still see ourselves as twins. I have my own personality, and as an author and writer, I have carved out my own life, but I am still a twin. Losing Sheila hasn’t changed that. I can only describe losing a twin, like losing a limb. No matter how our environment or our upbringing changed our personalities, or changed us, we are still twins.

There isn’t an abundance of research out there to quantify losing a twin, but the studies that do exist, talk about the surviving twin feeling a prolonged sense of grief that is different to that of a sibling or relative that isn’t a spouse.

My twin passed away on Saturday 10th December 2022. It will be a day etched in all our memories, but for me as her surviving twin, it’s a date that will be etched for other reasons also. It was the day, I was forced to start living my life on my own without her in the background, or by my side. As a surviving twin, I will always be 'a twin.'

My twin life...

I was born a 'twin.' Long before the twinkle in our parents' eyes, we were always going to be 'twins.' When we were born and growing up, twins we were always referred to 'as the twins.' We were one unit in and out of school, and to both of our annoyance, we had no individuality. That was the issue. For twins now, it has changed. Now my twin is gone way too soon.

Spirituality

While Sheila was poorly, she focused more on her ‘spirituality.' It's something we both believed in and something I continue to follow. Through her spiritual beliefs, she bore her illness with courage, she was brave. I know she didn’t believe she was, she was merely being polite. But I wasn’t the only one to notice, just how brave she really was.

Talking about 'illness'

With autism, and throughout my twin’s illness I have talked about my thoughts and feelings on my blog, in the hope that I could walk better through the experience. In truth, I have mentally and emotionally struggled.

The prospect of spending the rest of my life without her and 'going it alone' is daunting and scary; it feels heavy and truthfully I don’t do heavy well.