#loser-time

why do my intrusive thoughts always have to be sexual man why couldn't they have like latched onto my fear of bees or something man :[

i am. really mad at my mother's actions today not my mum herself, just her actions i know she just wants to help but shes went behind my back and she should know by now that it is very easy to make me really paranoid without going too in deph, she told me yesterday that she and dad would be talking to the social worker alone just cuz she wants to get us reffered to a food bank in actuality, she spoke to the social worker alone to talk more about me which i only found out cuz the mental health place ended up calling to try to talk to me directly about it i know she just wanted to get help but i wouldve been fine if she spoke to the social worker in front of me, even if it was about darker stuff ive done it feels cruel that she lied to me you know? like what else is she lying about also after i spoke to the people on the phone and gave it back to her, she started telling them that i was basically lying and like,,, no?? you already told them the one thing i would be likely to lie about, why would i lie now?? im not mad at her but i feel really hurt

before we moved to the uk, we had to figure out what we would do with our cats at the time cuz we couldnt afford to bring them [also we moved in a not very legal manner] so our mum brought this guy to our house one day to let him meet dean, one of our cats at the time dean was a sweetheart, he was alot less mischievous than his brother sam [who we didnt have anymore at the time] and we had him since he was a baby, he was just a chill sweetie but he had an unfortunate fur pattern, he was a black and white cat with white on bottom and black on top, but he had a little black splotch under his nose when the guy came to our house, he kept joking about how hed name his after hitler if he adopted him and i didnt understand what that meant at the time cuz i was 10 and didnt know who that was, i was just sad i was losing my cat and nervous cuz there was a stranger in my house and looking back at it its like what the fuck? why would you do that? why would you joke about that when FOUR minors are there?? three of those minors watched this cat grow up and and fucking devastated that theyre gonna have to loose him and youre considering naming him after HITLER?? that fucking bastard was so lucky i didnt know who that was, i wouldve tried fucking beat his ass, why would you do that? dean was such a sweetheart, why would you say that?