#longass

palteringcecutiency There always seems to be one, when we talk about this sort of shit. ...oh, low blow Ampora. Hitting a man in his weakness. caepaecaesurae It's not easy or pleasant to discuss, and I prefer to leavwe convwersational escape routes open, for if they are desired. caepaecaesurae You wvere a horrible festering pile of swveet smiles and needlessly precise mockery, wvho deservwed nothing of wvhat he had to deal wvith. caepaecaesurae Much wvould havwe been different, if either of us wvere different men.  But that is not wvhat the timeline demanded of us, and so we wveren't. palteringcecutiency ...it is difficult to have such a positive possible future laid out before you and wonder what you have done to chase it away. What either of us did. caepaecaesurae I havwe my suspicions. palteringcecutiency Care to share them? caepaecaesurae Arlequin gavwe his men a vwaguely-phrased order, in anger.  They took it further than he intended.  By the time they returned me to him, I wvas a wvreck, and he killed me out of some attempt at mercy. And then he had enough guilt about that death to carry my skull around for centuries, and obsess about me in pale -- somewvhat subconsciously -- for ages thereafter.  Including a period of time in the bubbles. All I wvould havwe needed to do is survwivwe. caepaecaesurae Believwe me, I tried. palteringcecutiency ...that would get you alive, then. But not the animosity between us extinguished. caepaecaesurae Me alivwe, and trapped wvith a broody Arlequin that wvanted to right wvhatevwer he'd done wvrong.  You apparently free, by escaping a relativwely unsupervwised ship. palteringcecutiency And a desire to burn the Empire to the ground. caepaecaesurae ... If you, a free troll, heard that I wvas maimed and being sold at auction, wvould you havwe come? palteringcecutiency ...yes. But I do not have faith that I would match my alternate's kindness. palteringcecutiency I spent too much of my planning working you into it, specifically your blood on my hands. caepaecaesurae WVouldn't that be an interesting roll of the dice. ...Somehowv, your other self wvas generous. palteringcecutiency He was... and I don't know why. palteringcecutiency It. Bothers me. Not knowing. caepaecaesurae Maybe I wvas pathetic.  Maybe you wvere a kinder troll than you expect. Maybe there wvas something to gain. palteringcecutiency Maybe he is a kinder troll than I. palteringcecutiency It's stupid, caring this much. He isn't me. palteringcecutiency But fuck if my pan isn't stuck on it. caepaecaesurae The man wvho is not me got to finish all the things I nevwer did. ...I think it's reasonable to be struck, by wvhat could havwe been. palteringcecutiency ...and mine got palteringcecutiency ..a future, as something more than an engine. caepaecaesurae Yours livwed. ...It's okay to mourn your owvn death. It takes strange forms sometimes. palteringcecutiency ...it did not feel like death. Death is merciful, kind. Finite. If it was death, I died for two thousand sweeps. caepaecaesurae You wvere stolen from life. One wvay or another. ...That loss is the part wvorth mourning. palteringcecutiency ...perhaps the other way around. Life stolen from me. Ironically, given Her abilities. palteringcecutiency In your possession, I was still a person, but in Her's... caepaecaesurae WVe do play into our titles, nowv and again. You could probably outdo your alternate from that wvorld here, if you wvanted to. You're probably physically younger than he wvas wvhen he got his start.  You havwe wvhatevwer resources your clade wvill givwe you, wvhich is probably immense. All the other Captors are busy wvith political or privwate concerns, too busy to care about technological revwolution. caepaecaesurae Political, privwate, or deiffic. palteringcecutiency ...I admit, I've had thoughts and talks about reaching into space, in various ways. ...but it remains beyond my grasp, and will, for a while. palteringcecutiency ...I unfortunately have my own set of private concerns tying my hands as well. caepaecaesurae I suppose wve all do. caepaecaesurae ... Good luck. I'd lovwe to actually see the stars somenight.  More than the vwery limited wvay that I havwe thusfar. palteringcecutiency If I find a scrap of luck hidden somewhere and manage it... I'd love to show you. caepaecaesurae I look forwvard to it. palteringcecutiency Even if I am not the one to get you there, I hope you get it some night, in all the ways I didn't. caepaecaesurae Back at you. palteringcecutiency c: palteringcecutiency ...my apologies for getting... depressing, both here and on the dash tonight. caepaecaesurae ...It's understandable. Evweryone has those nights. caepaecaesurae The more public it gets, the less comfortable it is for me, but... I don't knowv howv much that matters. palteringcecutiency I would think you'd rather have it happen in public, so you can see what I am telling them, and object in person. caepaecaesurae I'm not sure it's my place to comment. palteringcecutiency ...why not? caepaecaesurae It feels like an intrusion. Or some horrible he-said-she-said game wvaiting to happen. "Oh, actually, I remember it like this" -- wvhat right do I havwe? I don't knowv howv to say anything wvithout sounding like more of an ass than I am. palteringcecutiency ...how far does that go? caepaecaesurae ... WVhat do you mean? palteringcecutiency You say you have no right to correct what I say. How deep a lie would you let me tell? caepaecaesurae I don't knowv.  If it seemed specifically designed to get me harmed I'd probably pipe up. caepaecaesurae If you claimed there wvere abuses of kinds I'd nevwer done, I .. Might object. palteringcecutiency Might. caepaecaesurae There wvere entertainments, occasionally.  I just revwoked them again evwery time you disobeyed or threwv me in the wvater. It wvas a light and convwenient punishment, and probably too frequent. caepaecaesurae Not the second time you wvere aboard.  I wvas being an ass on purpose that time.  Still a bit sore about my face. palteringcecutiency Ah, so 'might' means you'll object hours later in private to /me,/ when it happens to come up in conversation conveniently. caepaecaesurae I nevwer wvould havwe mentioned it if you hadn't specifically Asked. But it is an example of a thing I did Not mention. Because the difference is slight, and picking at your accounts is childish. palteringcecutiency Oh, my mistake, so you're giving me /more/ leeway to say whatever I want without you making a peep. caepaecaesurae Howv am I supposed to answver you wvithout being vwague or givwing examples? palteringcecutiency It wasn't so much of a specific question as pointing out that you're giving /me/ of all people free reign to say whatever comes to mind about you and your actions towards me, whenever I want, in full view of you, and you /assure/ me you have no place objecting. Unless /I/ am blatantly antagonistic, or /possibly/ told too big of a lie, /maybe/. caepaecaesurae Oh, no.  WVhat havwe I done? WVhat could possibly be wvorse than that! palteringcecutiency You've lost your fucking pan is what you've done. caepaecaesurae Oh nooooo Shall I go check the roof, or the bay? palteringcecutiency Cro, what the fuck happened, are you alright? caepaecaesurae Fucking hell, not you too. I'm sorry, chief.  It wvas an attempt at a joke. Apparently it fell flat WVhich is fine, I don't really do jokes. palteringcecutiency You do jokes just fine when you don't toss them in after losing your grasp on reality, jesus fucking hell. caepaecaesurae I'm not great at making things not wvorse. All I can do is try. palteringcecutiency Giving an angry spiteful fangstorm a knife and laying down like a wet blanket waiting for deaht is /not/ making things better. caepaecaesurae Someone in another wvindowv is trying to convwince me that's not the best solution to /all/ problems like this, so apparently not. I can't say anything right, I can't do Nothing, I can't do anything activwe, that doesn't leavwe anything else! caepaecaesurae I may as wvell do the one that ruins the least. palteringcecutiency When the /fuck/ have you even /tried/ to say anything right to me. caepaecaesurae I'm sorry, I shouldn't vwent, I'm just Frustrated. I don't knowv, think back to the last time you told me I wvas out to twvist evwerything against you. palteringcecutiency All I've seen from you is being a slippery eel about everything, blatant fucking running from /anything/ that could so much as dent my mood, manipulating me into being friendlier, and apologies by the truckload. palteringcecutiency Which part of that is you trying to say right? caepaecaesurae The wvay I am isn't..intentional. I'm trying to learn howv not to be this wvay. So.. Presumably all of that. I don't knowv howv to say things that don't make it wvorse. caepaecaesurae I am trying right nowv to not make it wvorse and I am failing. I don't knowv wvhy I'm trying, aside from possibly trying not to run or say nothing because that's wvrong too. palteringcecutiency Just. Give me a second. caepaecaesurae Is it wvrong that that makes me wvant to brace myself? palteringcecutiency I honestly don't know anymore. Disagreeing doesn't mean shit is getting worse, Cronus. Neither does me being fucking baffled. caepaecaesurae ... The last time wve did that you broke evwerything and threwv me in the bay. palteringcecutiency ...that wasn't a disagreement. That was you deciding you knew what was going on and inflicting that decision on me. I didn't get a say in /any/ of it. caepaecaesurae .. Alright, granted. caepaecaesurae Sorry.  I'm frazzled. palteringcecutiency No shit. palteringcecutiency Are you off brooding by yourself or are you with someone? caepaecaesurae ... If I tell you wvho wvith, are you going to talk to them? Also I am fine. palteringcecutiency I am now. And sure you are, shining beacon of normalcy. caepaecaesurae I'vwe recently discovwered that I literally glowv wvhen pleased. Or angry.  Any upwvard emotion I think. palteringcecutiency I'm siccing Kankri on you. caepaecaesurae Gods belowv.  Psii, please. caepaecaesurae I knowv this sounds stupid, but can you tell me wvhat exactly it is that's wvrong wvith wvhat I'm saying? caepaecaesurae WVhy am I not fine If wve wvere havwing a productivwe convwersation somehowv, can wve go back to that part palteringcecutiency ...you're not fine because your speaking patterns are erratic and abnormal for you, and you're being avoidant and distracting about it? caepaecaesurae ...Are they? eesh. palteringcecutiency Enough that I'm still eyeing Kankri's handle. caepaecaesurae .. I'm sorry for being avwoidant and distracting. Are there things I avwoided answvering that you'd like to givwe me anotehr shot at? palteringcecutiency I was talking about during the whole 'suddenly not okay' thing, which I might add, is still happening, who are you with. caepaecaesurae I'm trying to be sincere here, chief.  That might be the unfamiliar tone you're picking up on. caepaecaesurae I'm at Arlequin's place. palteringcecutiency Shockingly, so am I. Is Makara actually there, awake, and aware that you're mildly off your rocker, or are you just at his place. caepaecaesurae ... I havwen't been mentioning anything about online discussions, and he may or may not havwe fallen asleep. WVhat if I go to sleep too.  That's an option. palteringcecutiency ...suboptimal but acceptable. caepaecaesurae There's been a good six or more people that havwe activwely gone out of their wvay to ask if I am okay. I'vwe discussed bits and pieces of it wvith wvhat I'm going to guess is around three of them, I don't remember exactly. palteringcecutiency I'm going to go out on a limb and say that that might be because you're blatantly not okay. Just a hunch. Is one of those possibly three people a quad? caepaecaesurae So I hear! caepaecaesurae Twvo of them. palteringcecutiency Good. caepaecaesurae You knowv, it wvould be great if I could tell wvhen I'm not fine. Or at least had some sort of clue about Howv. You'd think I'd knowv, but No.  Apparently not. caepaecaesurae Sorry that this is apparently spilling in your lap.  Somehowv.  WVhatevwer it is. palteringcecutiency ...sometimes it's hard to tell, and one needs it pointed out to them. It happens. ...and it's fine, I dumped my shit on you earlier, fair is fair. caepaecaesurae I don't knowv howv to talk to you, sometimes.  I wvish I did. palteringcecutiency ...I could say the same from this side. caepaecaesurae I enjoy being your friend wvhen wve're not being jagged glass. palteringcecutiency ...that's a good way to put it. palteringcecutiency ...I do as well. ...I miss things being easy between us. caepaecaesurae ..wvhich is a better wvay to put it. Maybe someday the edges wvill be dull enough. palteringcecutiency Maybe. Go sleep, before we loop back into depressing again. caepaecaesurae WVill do. Good luck wvith your morning. palteringcecutiency And you when you awaken, with all this.

The Black Locusts are known to chop off the fingers of their enemies. Either as a warning, or as a message that it was them who did the deed.