#palteringcecutiency

caepaecaesurae ...not really.  but i knowv it's making life harder for you. Monday at 12:43 AM palteringcecutiency ...there's not a lot that doesn't, and I've accepted this is... something that is sticking around. Things are... better off, trying to be friends than... otherwise. caepaecaesurae ..for both of us. palteringcecutiency ...for both of us, yes. palteringcecutiency ...you do not have to answer, but. ...what does... friendship with me, garner for you? caepaecaesurae Aside from missing you? palteringcecutiency If... there is, anything. caepaecaesurae Evwery time I try to find the wvords, I fall dowvn a mountain of reasons bearing no relation to eachother. caepaecaesurae There is more peace among the clade if wve are capable of functioning peacefully.  I wvould be frequently concerned for the man I once harmed if I had no ability to speak wvith him, or see if he wvas evwen remotely wvell.  It's nice to havwe someone to share the crasser, grimmer jokes wvith, although that devwolvwes back to missing you. caepaecaesurae The part of my mind that is unfortunately paranoid of others is appeased if I can keep others wvithin cordial convwersation distance, hence my extremely long and unfortunate history of befriending those wvho make the least sense. palteringcecutiency ...it is not difficult to keep tabs on another through those who speak to both. I... did so, when you were... offline, recently. But... if you are determined, and... enjoy, me, I won't... try to convince you otherwise. palteringcecutiency ...there is a difference between surveillance and friendship, however. caepaecaesurae It is a comfort to see first hand proof that someone is not a threat, at times... but you are correct. Part of me misses you. palteringcecutiency ...what kind of proof, are you looking for? I... am not the most... skilled, at reassuring, and. If there is something specific that would help, I'd... like the knowledge, at the very least. caepaecaesurae Talking to you wvhen you're like this puts my pan at ease a bit. ..I don't knowv if it's more complicated than that. palteringcecutiency ...it seems so little for... so much. caepaecaesurae ..maybe, maybe not. really did miss you chief. palteringcecutiency ...you keep saying, and I... do not think I... understand... how much. caepaecaesurae WVhen you got here, I knowv I should'vwe been thinking of Alternia.  I should'vwe let that be at the front, I knowv wve both livwed that life unspeakably longer than the first, bu wvhat I sawv wvas Mituna being able to talk straight and sass people and it wvas a relief. palteringcecutiency ...I. Can understand that, somewhat. The feeling, in general, to have Beforus override sense. But... neither of those parties are ones I would...  only call friends. ...none of them were... enough, to do so. I cannot figure out if the problem is you, or... me. caepaecaesurae i think the phrasing is getting careful enough that you're losin me a little. "only call friends"? palteringcecutiency ...pardon. I... do not want to accuse, only understand, and I'm... having difficulty reconciling this side with yours, and I... don't know what the problem is. ...the two... that have been successful, so far, are... were, quadrants. ...Kurloz and I are courting pale because we keep... being pale, without noticing, despite... everything else. Latula... it is going to be... interesting, when she reincarnates, I. Miss her dearly, painfully some nights, though I know it's... pointless. ...but I don't... get attached, easily, so I... don't know if you're excessive or I'm... cold. caepaecaesurae .. I don't knowv if you're cold but I'm definitely excessivwe. palteringcecutiency ...ah. That would be... it, then. > Caesurae spends three minutes consulting Kankri and Nadaya on whether it would be a good idea to hit enter, before ... caepaecaesurae ...also for wvhat it's wvorth you might care to remember that I had crushes on almost all of our friend group, on Beforus. ..that I frequently tried to act on, often simultaneously. You wveren't immune.  Though it's faded out and no longer... a factor. palteringcecutiency ...you what palteringcecutiency I. I don't remember that at all?? I mean, I remember the part about you asking everyone out under the moon but. I thought that was out of desperation? Not. Not like. Are you /sure/. caepaecaesurae Just because I wvas bad at it doesn't mean there wveren't sincere feelings under there somewvhere. Evweryone wvas attractivwe, and I could see wvondrous possibilities in each of them.  Aside from Horuss and Kur, towvards the end. palteringcecutiency ...but. Are you. Me?? Of all people, /me/?? The whole time?? ...oh god. The entire time. caepaecaesurae I wvas a real prize, I knowv. palteringcecutiency I. Fuck, I didn't. Notice? At all?? I mean, the, undercurrent part, obviously, I just... for how long?? And /why/? caepaecaesurae You're clevwer, wve havwe the same sense of humor (gods help us all), and teasing about the injury boards and mutations and my assorted, numerous failures all seemed to flowv vwery smoothly. You wvere a friend, I liked you. palteringcecutiency Fuck. palteringcecutiency I. Believe I need a moment. caepaecaesurae That's fair. caepaecaesurae ... I'm not entirely sure wvhy it's a surprise I had crushes on evweryone, but apparently that is a running theme. palteringcecutiency It's. More that it was on me of all people, than anything. I didn't think... I didn't have any reason to pry deeper. caepaecaesurae To be entirely blunt, wve wvere both little shits. caepaecaesurae I think the wvay wve got along fit wvell, at the time.  Including you apparently not noticing. It's for the best. palteringcecutiency Well /yeah/, the theoretics make sense, and we definitely did, but... Mm. ...what. Makes you say that, specifically? caepaecaesurae If it had gone anywvhere, I wvould'vwe been just as much of a little shit, and then you'd havwe had to deal wvith my teen attempts to learn howv romance wvorks, wvhich are regrettable in general and I am glad that fewv here havwe any experience wvith that. And that wvould havwe led to evwen further complications here. palteringcecutiency Yes, because I was a thoroughly suave romantic myself, having figured out what to do with people who honestly liked me enough to date me at the ripe age of six. ...on your end or mine, because I'm rather sure it's a drop in the ocean at this point, compared to Kurloz and Her. caepaecaesurae You didn't do too poorly wvith Latula and Kur, chief caepaecaesurae I mean, complications from the other life aside palteringcecutiency You mean the moiraillegence that was ashen on my end half of the time, and the messy quagmire that left because neither of us knew what the shit was happening? Or the fact that I only started courting Latula because Kurloz literally placed me in front of her and left, and only continued because she thought my fumbled flustering was charming for god knows what reason? You should know by now that nothing with me is what it seems, after this long and this many times. caepaecaesurae WVell apparently I don't, so there. Nevwer underestimate my wvillingness to believwe the things you literally say to me. palteringcecutiency Well stop that. caepaecaesurae I don't think you can make me. palteringcecutiency Stubbornly clinging to a blatant weakness is a bit much even for you, Cro. caepaecaesurae You'd rather I trust my owvn judgement than that of others? That's a laugh. palteringcecutiency Over /mine/? I'd think /you/ would rather. caepaecaesurae But then I'm being insensitivwe and not listening to you. And making decisions for you wvithout accounting for your side. palteringcecutiency ...you'd gamble that I'm not abusing an easy button to avoid even the possibility of that. caepaecaesurae To be honest, if you wvere wvilling to be nefarious at me, I'd already be in ruins. I don't havwe much to lose by just believwing you and going by wvhatevwer you say. I don't see the downvside palteringcecutiency ...Cronus, I've been doing my damnedest since I've gotten here. caepaecaesurae You'vwe also mentioned more than once howv the fact other people care about both of us is a stumbling block palteringcecutiency To turn your paradise into hell the best I could, only you built it too well before I got here. caepaecaesurae ...wvhat havwe you tried to do? palteringcecutiency To be a thorn in your side, smear the dirt of your past all over for people to see, to tear people away from you, to turn them against you. Be a constant, fanged reminder that you're not the nice, harmless good highblood you convinced everyone of. ...none of it worked. caepaecaesurae ..I noticed the reminders. I did almost leavwe tumblr once. There's some wvho are more cautious around me than they wvould havwe been, and a fewv close to me wvho wvere not as friendly to the Alternian half of me wvhen I wvas split as I had hoped caepaecaesurae ... You're in your rights to complain about that sort of thing as openly as you care to. I don't think that counts as nefarious, no matter howv little I personally enjoy it wvhen it comes up. palteringcecutiency Goodness, really, let me just dig out my empty notebook of victories to jot this down, right next to the one time I got to someone before you did. caepaecaesurae .. I'm not going to fight you on this, either, Mituna. palteringcecutiency I'm not either, it doesn't matter. I've given up trying. The allies I have now are more than I expected after so long, enough to risk friendship at least, and I never was going to win no matter how hard I tried. There was just... a dream, I guess, of you being the powerless one this time around. Finally getting the upperhand on someone, get control of my life for once. Should've known better. caepaecaesurae WVould you actually feel better if you managed it? To stand, gloating, ovwer a defeated foe? caepaecaesurae You didn't like it on the roof of the castle. I'm not sure howv much you liked it, after asking Kur to showv me. palteringcecutiency That was /different/. That was me wanting to punch you and fucking up your pan instead! Any fun I got got immediately... fucked over, by that. caepaecaesurae I'm not strong enough to stand against you, Mituna. That's the other reason it's for the best that crush nevwer wvent anywvhere. palteringcecutiency ...you keep saying all this, but I've watched you for a sweep, here. You've done just as well as you did on Alternia, better even, since you have more at your disposal to use against me. How are you talking as if losing is inevitable when you've already /won/? caepaecaesurae I'vwe made friends, Mituna. I've tried to livwe my life. But the instant someone raises their vwoice, especially if they are in my clade, I lose my mind and go sit in a corner.  Hardly the most elegant of lifestyles. So I'vwe sought out peace, since it's all I knowv howv to handle. Spite has no place in my goals.  Only learning howv to exist again. WVhen I talk about standing against you, I mean a physical conflict.  I mean arguments.  I mean direct clashes, not ephemeral shadowv-games. I'm not playing any shadowv games. ...I knowv you don't believwe that and I'm not sure wvhy I'm letting myself try to talk about it again. caepaecaesurae My "vwictory" is a life wvhere I don't get hurt.  I hope that's not mutually exclusivwe wvith wvhatevwer vwictory condition you set for yourself. palteringcecutiency I... I don't... have, any. caepaecaesurae You may havwe an easier time reaching your goals, if you havwe some to reach Pick one.  Start somewvhere. palteringcecutiency ...I barely remember how to be a troll, Cro. There's... not a lot within reach. Heh, you're doing bounds and leaps better than I am, if you ever need someone to compare yourself to and come out looking better. caepaecaesurae Perhaps it feels safer, to havwe your goals all focus on tearing dowvn others, than on constructing things of your owvn.  ...I'm sure it wvas a necessity, and that the alternativwes are ancient and dusty, and I understand, and I don't blame you for it a bit. caepaecaesurae ..I'vwe had a head start, and far more luck.  I rely on my quadrants to help lead and guide me.  Sometimes my clade. ...They'vwe been helping. caepaecaesurae Evwen trying to find a goal, is a goal. palteringcecutiency ...mn. ...there's only so much anyone can do when the night's goal is 'accept having skin' and it's failed. The simple is out of reach, the beyond basic... I have been trying for... ages, in the bubbles, and I've gotten this far only to be stripped of what helped. It is. Remarkably difficult to be... hopeful, and positive, while drowning in failure. caepaecaesurae Could Sparks use technical skill or his access to the bubbles and his afterlife to arrange something that wvould help at all? caepaecaesurae ..I knowv it's hard.  I'm sorry I alwvays make it sound like there's some solution hanging just out of reach.  It feels like the opposite of givwng up, somehowv. palteringcecutiency ...he's offered to assist me in... garnering an electronic connection, but. There is a general consensus that I am not allowed to have one, and if I got one regardless, I'd be dragged out of the systems far sooner than later. palteringcecutiency It's just... frustrating, and I'm... tired, of trying constantly, of being told the fixes aren't allowed as they aren't 'healthy' enough. caepaecaesurae Maybe they'd be more open to some things, if they came wvith a scheduled, organized calendar of howv long you wvere intending to use each crutch to guide yourself forwvards.  ..not that the timing wvould be easy to guess. caepaecaesurae I'm sorry people are havwing emotions about the solutions you seek.  I'm sorry evwerything is this wvay, and I sincerely wvish it wvas easier for you. ..do any of your alternates havwe meaningful advwice about the early stages of a return to independance? palteringcecutiency ...each case is different. One still refers to himself as a machine, rejecting trollhood. One tried to exist as a troll alone, but gave up mortality to get the connection back, missing it far too much. The third... we have not spoken on such matters yet. ...none of them wish to abandon their wetware permanently, and never have, so... they do not have advice on that for me. caepaecaesurae Far from a simple puzzle, though you knowv that already. caepaecaesurae WVould gaining the connection wvithout losing the body be a step forvward?  WVould control of some robbotic drone, that you could use to navwigate the wvorld instead of the fleshier body? palteringcecutiency ...it is losing the body that I want. The connection is just... what makes that possible. caepaecaesurae ...WVould it be rude to keep asking details, to see if I can think of anything you havwen't? ..should I let it go? palteringcecutiency If you are... willing, to hear the answers, I... have no problem, giving them. It's... not pleasant, though. To warn you. caepaecaesurae Is it the sensory aspect of havwing a body, some sot of germ thing, or something else? palteringcecutiency I... abandoned my wetware, my body, for... centuries, to... because of Her. My pan expects steel and wire of a ship, it feels muscle and blood and signals something is wrong, desperately wrong, upsettingly wrong, and /focuses/ on it, so that even a slightest twitch of a muscle sounds like surround sound at max volume. ...not every night but... more often than not. Organics... have all sorts of awful reactions to stimuli, things that make no sense, things that hinder what should be easy, and I was free of all that, and now I am crammed into a fleshbag and forced to feel all of it again, and for what? For what purpose? What is so much better about being like this than being how I was? caepaecaesurae So.. if something could make all of the organic body senses into an electronic readout like you're used to dealing wvith, that might help? WVhile still keeping you awvay from depersonalizing yourself, like they're afraid of? palteringcecutiency The... distance, too. Filters, I suppose? I... do not /need/ this data, I know I'm in a fleshbag, I know I am using its muscles, I /made that decision/. But it won't shut up and stop being so /wrong/, and I can't edit filters like this, and I can't /escape/ to anywhere and I just- It's /maddening/. caepaecaesurae The control to be able to adjust wvhich information you are receivwing? caepaecaesurae Sparks' afterlife ovwerlaps heavwily wvith the realm of dreams.  You may consider asking if he can wvake you up, and allowv you the chance to escape wvhen asleep, if that is a middleground that wvould help. You cannot sleep all the time, but you must sleep often enough that perhaps it could be of use palteringcecutiency ...when I sleep, I dream of )(er. I use a 'coon, unless I am with... trusted trolls. caepaecaesurae WVhen I slept, I dreamt of Arlequin's men. ..until Sparks movwed my dreamer to a stabilized castle wvhere nightmares do not dwvell. palteringcecutiency ...then, it is... successful, at that, at least. That's... good, for you as well. ...the, mutability of the bubbles was... favorable, letting things shift as I needed them or didn't, but... with life everything is... permanent, choices must be made and lived with. But with mutability comes... )(er. Do... you think, something... between, is even possible? caepaecaesurae I'm sure he'd givwe you your owvn stabilized realm outside the castle if you wvished privwacy and distance along wvith your peace.  As wvell, I'm sure you could wvork out some kind of wvay to allowv...disrete, controlled episodes of mutability. caepaecaesurae Evwen an on-off swvitch may do it. palteringcecutiency I. Still have to ask. I don't... know, if anyone will... object. It seems... too close, to what they do not like. caepaecaesurae At the vwery least, ask about the dream castle.  You could freely exit it wvhenevwer you wvished, if you sought mutability. And return, if you maintained control. caepaecaesurae I also suspect he wvould not mind seeking you out during nightmare to cause harm to your enemies. I believwe he's mentioned doing that for another, once or twvice. Dream vwisions may havwe no substance, but they can still be harmed by an outsider wvho is not under their spell. palteringcecutiency He'd. He'd 5ee. He'd kn0w. caepaecaesurae ... Sorry chief. Your call.  I think he'd be glad to help you any wvay you let him do so, though. palteringcecutiency 5orry. 5. S. Sorry. I. I just. He doesn't need that, in his head. And you're. Right, he does want to help, enough to say yes when. He shouldn't. caepaecaesurae I think he'd be fine, but I'm a selfish old man wvho trusts him to knowv his limits. Maybe you're right. palteringcecutiency I once trusted that, but then he passed out and dropped from the sky and I found myself less inclined to. caepaecaesurae Granted he can be a bit exciteable. Tempted to make a contextless callout post telling him to take care of himself. palteringcecutiency Do it, the dash is on the topic anyway. caepaecaesurae WVhat a coincidence.

twinaudacity :p