so i got to the theater with no problems, holding my funko, etc. (my heart was beating so hard I had to take a moment to calm my breathing down xd) and I had a really nice talk with a person who also had adhd and we talked about how ms. minutes was a really creepy horny clock, as you do.

and we were looking over a stairwell, waiting to see if tom or someone would pass by (like Pedro Pascal did apparently) and sofia passed by but I was like noooo that cant be Sofia-

anyway we got into the actual theater with some difficulty in seat-finding and the announcer guy quoted tom (I'm pretty sure this is the right sequence of things?? I didn't have my meds so I forgot some of it :/ ) and he said smth along the lines of "we connect to heroes because they represent our strengths and we connect to villains because they represent our weaknesses" and as a person who has a really hard time acknowledging their strengths yet can list of their weaknesses at the tip of a hat, I really related to that.

aaaaand then watched the finale after some sponsor shit.

(AND APPARENTLY TOM WAS IN THE CROWD?!?!? i found this out last night a day after)

the finale was amazing as always and people laughed at all the jokes and I felt myself break into pieces at the end again. (also I was kinda forcing myself to try to cry for a good part of the episode and then I was like "ykw fuck it. i don't need to cry to show I'm being affected by this amazing piece of art." so self-revelation number two of the night wooooo-)

and then they came onto stage.

i clapped and cheered as you do when the behind-the-scenes ppl came onto stage and even more when sofia did (plus a lil bisnexual panic) and even more when owen came on...

(cliche warning)

and then there was tom

i don't really know how to describe it except for a wave that completely knocked me over.

like here is the man who im ruining my social life for, who I've learned every detail about, who I've made edits and fanart about and who I've been obsessing over for 6 months.

i guess he waved and bowed a blew a kiss to the audience (and someone yelled "YOU'RE SEXY" so claps to them) but I didn't see because I had my head in my hands and I was sobbing

i dont think ive ever felt anything like that before.

(cliche warning end. im not sorry ehehehe-)

the panel itself was kind of a blur bc i was stupid and didn't take my meds but here's a list of the things I remember:

tom talking with his hands a lot <3

sofia talking about how her favorite part of her costume was the fact that she could breastfeed with it (I had heard the story before but I didn't know she had another kid on s2 claps to her)

owen talking about how he liked the name mobius and how he felt cool

turns out the "what did you say my name was?" "mobius." scene in ep5 was improv bc owen really. likes. the. name.

tom listing all the people he worked with in the mcu in movie order and ppl clapping at every one

tom did this jaw thing- *disintegrates* (praying to the gods that someone got a video of that)

tom talking about how his very last scene (the close up through the timelines) was him thinking about everyone who was with him in his 14 years as loki (and in turn loki thinking about everyone in her life)

the interviewer guy talked about hall H 2013 and said smth like "you were degrading everyone and telling them to kneel before you?! you've gone soft" and tom laughed and said "that was a different time ehehe"

they talked about the "satisfactions not in my nature" line BUT NOT IN THE WAY I THOUGHT THEY WOULD- and the interviewer compared it to tom talking about how loki gets everything that he "wants" (world domination, etc.) and is just really depressed

to all the fic writers and simps: tom referred to the "terrible...awful things...to you ;]" scene as "playing with his food" so do with that what you will-

tom is so tall holy shit- like everyone's legs (except for owen's who had his legs straight out and was kinda just kicking his feet the whole time) were on the ground and tom literally had to extend his legs bc that's how tall he is- anywaythatwasattractive

tom called loki finding out he's a frost giant trauma which I appreciated

there was a thing with confetti- WAIT A MIN CONFETTI HOLY SHIT THATS ME (I took like a five minute break bc that's exciting eeeee)

owen talking about his dog was really funny

sofia told the "be careful what you say to directors bc I ended up at Mcdonalds-" story

tom was so generous and just- (ill rant about him later in this)

I promise ill add stuff if i remember!!

okay now im going to rant about tom bc I need to

before we got in, my dad told me the whole "never meet your heroes stuff" so I was slightly nervous and I went in with the mindset of "its been a good 6 months and this feels like a good sendoff to the obsession."

NOPE

the entire time all i saw and looked at was tom

hes beatiful oh my god

like i thought he was less attractive now- NOPE AGAIN

i started whispering "hes so pretty" and "I love you" at the stage (yes I'm a psychopath how did you know-)

but i came out of that panel even more in love and I didn't think that was possible.

i still don't have the words to describe it

but the wave of tom came back (like it was being pulled back so it hit me again) and I cried after he left as well. the same hard-breathing holding-on-for-dear-life sobbing.

i wasn't shaking per say but whenever i tried to move I would shake really badly.

i also cried on the car ride home for a bit (during which I also only listened to my tom playlist and tom interviews)

the only way i can really relate this and make sense of it is with billie eilish's thing about Justin Biber (I was a billie fan for a really long time xd) so go watch the billie eilish documentary and the part where she's talking about that, or don't.

overall, it was a life changing experience and cheers to another 6 months of non-stop tom obsession ü