#lockdownlessons

part 1

Watch these three clips that go for 21 seconds on:

breathing

walking mindfully and

letting go

repeat & reflect.

Sometimes you get them back.

I first thought that I’d log onto Tumblr tonight and just do another break up blog entry for old times’ sake. 

But I realised something. 

I only did those entries to vent my pain over my break-up with X and to enjoy the drama of it all a little bit longer. 

But now...I just don’t feel that way anymore. 

Sure, I still think about X from time to time and even miss her (I know, I gagged just a little thinking about it). But this time around, my feelings are less self-destructive and the memories are a lot more bitter-sweet than before. 

So I suppose this is progress, right? 

In any case, I’ve got other things to think about these days. 

The Covid-19 lock-down in South Africa has entered its third month. It’s less restrictive and people can move around a bit more now. 

Hell, you can even buy alcohol again. No good news for the smokers though - cigarettes are still forbidden. 

And yet, the number of active cases keep on climbing, in South Africa and around the world. It’s like people around me are hoping that someone will wave a wand over the planet and magically erase any traces of Covid-19 without any of us lifting a finger to help it along. 

I really shouldn’t be this surprised at the incredible effort the world population has put into being stupid on purpose.  

I’m getting too used to living in a lock-down mode: closed off and using any excuse to exchange reality for Netflix. 

I couldn’t complete my visa processes in time to go back to my old school in Wuxi, so that’s done with. It was hard to accept, but still brought me an odd sense of relief. Stressing about getting my visa papers done on time and going back to a job that exacerbated my anxiety and depression wouldn’t have been good for me. 

I’ve decided for now to just stay in South Africa and look for a job here. Hell, I was going to do that in a year anyway, I might as well start early. I still have to figure out how to ship all of my crap out of China and to evacuate my apartment over there. 

Ah, the sweet joys of making mature, adult decisions...

My dad offered to let me stay at his apartment next door to G’s, which is pretty cool. That should help me with getting back on my feet while I look for a full-time job and an apartment of my own in the coming months. 

I’m coping much better during this lock-down having G and P with me. I can finally take naps again instead of lying on my bed and making myself over-anxious for an hour. 

I haven’t seen as much of my parents or talked to my friends and other relatives as much either during the lock-down. I think I’m slowly losing the habit of conversing with anyone about anything. 

I guess I took the concept of ‘social distancing’ a bit too literally in all areas of my life...

Writing’s been going well lately. Ariana’s been a good muse, albeit one that flits sporadically in and out of my distracted brain. P thinks that it’s time for me to finally take my writing to my next level and to try make a career out of it. The idea is daunting, but oddly exhilarating. Maybe I’m finally ready to tell my own story. 

Mind you, I still don’t have my ‘million dollar Hollywood idea’ that’ll make me a butt load of cash. You know, like ‘Fifty Shades of Gray’. Still, there are better things than earning money for the things you write, like writing from the heart and being proud of what you’ve written down. 

Or so I keep telling myself. 

A lot of weird and depressing shit has happened during this year. Covid-19 disrupted the tranquil existence I thought was good and acceptable and turned it completely on its head.  

Now I’m just trying to pick up the pieces of my chaotic existence, one day at a time. I still feel lethargic and unmotivated most days, but I’m working through it as I go. 

I’m trying not to put any pressure on myself to change everything right away. Not letting myself get married to ideas and keeping an open mind seems to be working. I never knew before that not controlling everything around me could be so freeing. 

It’s still weird not having a proper plan though. But I guess it’s ok not knowing how things will turn out. 

So here I am again, blogging to stop myself from going crazy. 

Because the truth is...I’m not ok. 

It’s been close to two months of the Covid-19 lockdown here in South Africa and I’m just not dealing with it as well as could be. 

Sure, I’m occupying myself adequately with writing, some side hustles, TV, playing phone games, exercising, doing the dishes and even cooking. 

I even remember to shower after all that. 

And yet...I’m struggling to feed my soul. 

It’s probably because all of my thoughts have been inward-focused while I worry about the same useless crap on repeat. 

Like how sad I am that my weasel of an ex broke my heart nearly 9 months ago. Or how I have no job certainty at the moment because all visa-related processes are on hold until further notice. Or the fact that my latest celebrity crush is no longer single either. 

Yeah, that last one really chapped my ass this past weekend...

The point is, I hit rock bottom on Friday night and slow-walked my depression like Eeyore until early this morning. 

Three and a half days of crying, disillusionment, anger, resentment, bitter sarcasm and hopelessness I had on my shoulders until I simply got tired of carrying it around. 

All of this made me realise that I haven’t been dealing with my emotions well, if at all, during this lockdown. I started bottling things up and covering them with distractions again. 

I slipped into old habits of dealing with my problems. 

Just because I’ve made so much emotional progress in the space of a year, it doens’t mean that the hard work suddenly stops when you’re on a good wicket. It takes lots of talking about your feelings and surrendering yourself to the unknown just to even cope a little these days. 

I’ve never been good at surrendering to myself to things and people.

I play at being super-chilled and a free spirit. But the truth is, I am a control freak to my core. I have to plan ahead and I have to know how things are going to turn out, otherwise I go crazy. 

And do you know what Covid-19 did with all of my hopes and dreams for 2020? Turned them all on its head, and then stepped back to watch my reaction. I hope the virus has been enjoying the show, because it has been pretty dramatic. 

My mom always tells me that out of my siblings, I was ‘the planned baby’. Even though my parents love the three of us equally, I was the baby that they wanted and planned for while my siblings were happy accidents. Maybe that’s why I need to always plan everything out; it might just be in my DNA.   

But maybe...it’s time to let all of my plans go and just see where the wind takes me. 

It doesn’t mean I’m going to let things slide. I’m still paying my bills, getting my paperwork together for my new work visa abroad and even investing some money into my retirement fund and savings. 

As for the rest...we’ll just have to wait and see what happens. 

I’ve been too overly concerned with love and lust lately as well. That needs to stop. 

Maybe I won’t fall in love again, maybe I will. If it’s the latter, I hope it happens when I’m emotionally available to delve back into it again. Because as of right now, I’m just not ready for any of it. 

I’m slowly learning to say ‘no’ to people and things I don’t want. It’s left me feeling pretty lonely, but maybe it’s also opening up doors for better people and even better things in my life. 

I’m putting up walls against annoying people who don’t respect my time or personal boundaries and it feels incredible. 

Maybe Covid-19 isn’t the worst thing that’s happened to me my whole life. Admittedly, it’s still not great because I could die from the virus at any given moment. With that said, being in lockdown has taught me to let go of things I can’t control and to make time for the things that matter most to me. 

If nothing else, the Covid-19 pandemic has taught me that the world I knew before can still change into something different. 

Something better.