Lockdown Lessons - Letting Go
So here I am again, blogging to stop myself from going crazy.
Because the truth is...I’m not ok.
It’s been close to two months of the Covid-19 lockdown here in South Africa and I’m just not dealing with it as well as could be.
Sure, I’m occupying myself adequately with writing, some side hustles, TV, playing phone games, exercising, doing the dishes and even cooking.
I even remember to shower after all that.
And yet...I’m struggling to feed my soul.
It’s probably because all of my thoughts have been inward-focused while I worry about the same useless crap on repeat.
Like how sad I am that my weasel of an ex broke my heart nearly 9 months ago. Or how I have no job certainty at the moment because all visa-related processes are on hold until further notice. Or the fact that my latest celebrity crush is no longer single either.
Yeah, that last one really chapped my ass this past weekend...
The point is, I hit rock bottom on Friday night and slow-walked my depression like Eeyore until early this morning.
Three and a half days of crying, disillusionment, anger, resentment, bitter sarcasm and hopelessness I had on my shoulders until I simply got tired of carrying it around.
All of this made me realise that I haven’t been dealing with my emotions well, if at all, during this lockdown. I started bottling things up and covering them with distractions again.
I slipped into old habits of dealing with my problems.
Just because I’ve made so much emotional progress in the space of a year, it doens’t mean that the hard work suddenly stops when you’re on a good wicket. It takes lots of talking about your feelings and surrendering yourself to the unknown just to even cope a little these days.
I’ve never been good at surrendering to myself to things and people.
I play at being super-chilled and a free spirit. But the truth is, I am a control freak to my core. I have to plan ahead and I have to know how things are going to turn out, otherwise I go crazy.
And do you know what Covid-19 did with all of my hopes and dreams for 2020? Turned them all on its head, and then stepped back to watch my reaction. I hope the virus has been enjoying the show, because it has been pretty dramatic.
My mom always tells me that out of my siblings, I was ‘the planned baby’. Even though my parents love the three of us equally, I was the baby that they wanted and planned for while my siblings were happy accidents. Maybe that’s why I need to always plan everything out; it might just be in my DNA.
But maybe...it’s time to let all of my plans go and just see where the wind takes me.
It doesn’t mean I’m going to let things slide. I’m still paying my bills, getting my paperwork together for my new work visa abroad and even investing some money into my retirement fund and savings.
As for the rest...we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.
I’ve been too overly concerned with love and lust lately as well. That needs to stop.
Maybe I won’t fall in love again, maybe I will. If it’s the latter, I hope it happens when I’m emotionally available to delve back into it again. Because as of right now, I’m just not ready for any of it.
I’m slowly learning to say ‘no’ to people and things I don’t want. It’s left me feeling pretty lonely, but maybe it’s also opening up doors for better people and even better things in my life.
I’m putting up walls against annoying people who don’t respect my time or personal boundaries and it feels incredible.
Maybe Covid-19 isn’t the worst thing that’s happened to me my whole life. Admittedly, it’s still not great because I could die from the virus at any given moment. With that said, being in lockdown has taught me to let go of things I can’t control and to make time for the things that matter most to me.
If nothing else, the Covid-19 pandemic has taught me that the world I knew before can still change into something different.
So from here on out, I’m going to try my best to stay positive, think outwards and not let my inner demons get me down too much.