#lizbizeeee

—

“I’m sorry…” she whispered. Shame filled her as she failed again.. Her discomfort showing through as it always did by this point.

“It’s uh- it’s okay! I swear it!” He reassured her as he let out a breath he was previously holding in. He pulled away quickly as soon as she showed discomfort.

He zipped his jeans back up and turned to her giving her those puppy eyes she absolutely adored. “Can we watch a movie?” He asks, still wanting to be around her.

She forced a smile, panic and shame still lingering in her every cell. “Yeah.. you pick.” She told him.

“Okay! I’ll be right back! Gotta..” he looks down at his friend then back up at her and shrugs.

She gives an awkward thumbs up.

She watched as he turned and walked away. She turns down to her hands and frowns. Her minds whirred with thoughts.

Why can’t I just- am I just broken? Why can’t- Why? Why? Tears welled in her eyes. Why can’t..

She swung her legs off the bed and stood onto her feet. I can! She marched out of the room following her boyfriend into the bathroom. She startled him as she turned him around and pulled him into a kiss. Panic! Panic! You can’t! I can!

Ray was a little confused by the hot and cold behavior but if she was into it.. he wrapped his arms around the small of her waste pulling her closer and closer as their lips met.

—

The pair lay in bed as they watch lord of the rings. Ray had his moments of weakness as did she. Sometimes she was into it and that made for a very confusing relationship sometimes.

Ray did sometimes struggle to read her expressions and as he held her close while they watched their movie he was in an ignorant bliss, imagining everything was okay again.

Especially with her turned away like this.

He didn’t see her face. He didn’t see the shame as her eyes stared past the tv.

He was just happy to be with her. Sharing the same oxygen. Bundled up together. Feeling her presence next to him. He just loved her. Every second he was next to her was quick to become his favorite moment lived.

-

Self expression was hard. She didn’t know what to say or how. She didn’t know what the issue even was. Why she had sex. Why she couldn’t enjoy it or feel the want for it like him or her past partners.

She did love him. Adored him! She was lucky to have him all to herself and took great pride in the fact. He was hers. His pretty calloused hands were hers. His eyes. His lips. He was hers. All to herself.

He was attractive, everything about him was a little checkmark on her list of qualities she admired. He was the sweetest person she had met and she felt so safe around him.

But she couldn’t do the one thing expected of a girlfriend. Of a woman. She couldn’t just take it.

She did try the route of “oh maybe I’m sick?!” but there was medically nothing wrong with her.

She took antidepressants and that kind of made it worse so for a while she stopped taking them. Hoping for a better.

She was a mess but it did little to make her a better partner. Made her worse if anything, she wasn’t able to physically meet his needs and she needed him to take care of her.

Actually when she tried this, it was the first time he “met” her unmedicated. She thought he’d hate her more after this but as she drowned in her bad thoughts, he was supportive. He didn’t know why she stopped taking her meds but when she went back for them after her failure he made sure she safely went back.

The rise in conversation online was nice at least, she found some people like her, not many though. A lot more people were talking about being gay or lesbian, stuff like that.

There weren’t as many people who felt little to no connection sexually. She found people that were abstinent but that didn’t really fit her. She’s had sex multiple times, still didn’t like it. It was weird. It was all weird and she was all confused!

—

It’s only- it’s only Sex.

With all their mistakes and discontent, there was one safe space for them. They were both well versed in the language of music. The language they understood most.

Both of them were musicians in their own right. Ray was with My Chemical Romance of course! He played the guitar beautifully.

She was a musician too, played the piano and sang. She had a great sense of rhythm and time. And while she wasn’t in a band, she was decently successful with her own niche music.

-

She would always just hang out, the guys were used to and appreciated her presence for the most part. When Ray invited her to join them on their trip, she would think about it for a few days before agreeing.

Initially she was just “Ray’s girlfriend”, she was pretty shy and struggled to speak with so many new faces around. The guys would understand her behavior and let her warm up to them in her own time.

She would go out and enjoy their performances. She played cheerleader for Ray, he always found her and gave her the biggest, cheesiest, smiles.

Other times she would just walk around or nap in the van with the rare silence.

Throughout their mini tour, she would talk more with the other guys. They were getting along and their bonds were growing, the opposite of her and Ray’s relationship.

As her bonds grew with the others, her discomfort with anything sexual would remain with her dreamboat boyfriend. It sucked and she just wanted to curl up in a ball of shame.

While she and Ray had their troubles, the others would occasionally get a peep of it. Ray trying to comfort her about it. Her being upset and self conscious.

-

“Just go take your pick! All those girls are throwing themselves at you! Find someone better!” She’d yell.

They were taking a walk but a walk wasn’t enough to provide them the privacy they wished for. Their words traveling throw the fall air.

“There is no better option! I like you!!” He’d yell in response. His brows were knitted together as he followed behind her.

He really was confused, these fights kept happening and it was all confusing and stressful. She was confused too, really wanted to turn around and apologize for raising her voice or just feel his arms around her. But she didn’t, instead she continued to pace.

Obviously in this moment chasing after her wasn’t working but for twenty more minutes Ray followed after her as the two bickered.

-

Frank would later take his own walk with her after the two decided to divert their paths for space from each other.

“Hey kid, tour is stressful, I get it!”

“Kid?”

“Ah you know what I mean! What is this about anyway?”

“What?”

“Why are you two actually fighting? You talk like it’s something else all the time but I have a feeling it’s one thing? And you’re making it fifty things?”

“It’s nothing..”

Frank isn’t a fool, ever the observer “Is it because you two aren’t screwing? Cause if it is, I can totally get the van clear for ya?”

The offer was oddly sweet of him but it only cause her eyes to widen, “uuhh thank for the offer but it’s not that! I swear it!”

“Then what is it? I’m not leaving ya alone! Not till I get my answer cause the both of ya have been freaking out a lot! And it’s been freaking me out a lot!.. two sunshine’s and neither of you are sunshining…”

She stopped walking, thoughts whirring. He stopped with her, giving her a curious look.

“I.. I don’t know how to say it? It’s not.. it’s weird?”

“You dying?”

“No!” She laughs a little. Nervously. “I don’t think so?”

“It’s weird to say.. you ever thought of writing it down? I used to go to this therapist. Didn’t go back, didn’t work for me. But the one thing from that experience I did gather was writing. Weird thoughts? No name? Write it. It really does help sometimes, helps me..” he offers.

She looks as him with wide eyes, “dude.. that’s might’s actually-“

-

She would follow Frank’s suggestion. Anger, frustration, sadness. Her happiness. Confusion. She wrote it all out, borrowed some of Gerard’s paper and a pen.

It was.. easy. Easier than saying it out loud. The process of transporting this plague in her mind onto paper was easier than she expected. She had written everything in the span of a few days. Probably because this was something constantly on her mind. But after writing it all, she felt good.

He was right!

Then she got out of her comfort zone and would ask for help. She needed Mikey for a bit.

“It’s for a project of mine.. it’s a personal project.” She told him.

“Yeah! Of course! Just- just uhh.. tell me what’s up! I can help!” He responded enthusiastically.

Working on the instrumentals was always a fun deal. Mikey would keep quiet about the song, whenever they ran off to work on her project, he’d say nothing. It kinda lead to an awkward conversation with Ray where he was questioning Mikey’s intentions with her.

Ray trusted her and he trusted Mikey of course but it was odd? It wasn’t the first time someone in their circle gave her the eyes either so he wanted to be safe. He wasn’t aggressive with his approach but she was quick to shut it down anyway.

—

It was a Sunday. The song was finished to her liking. It was how she imagined a clear confession to go. It being a song made it easier. The lyrics- the words were written. She couldn’t go off script. Wrote it down the way that she wanted it.

Anxiety pooled in her again after everything. She felt good writing it. Now as she stood on last night’s stage with the band. She felt uneasy. He sat, the only one in the audience. The only one at the bartop that wasn’t an employee.

Rip off the bandage

She nodded her head as bob started.

Gerard sat on a stool patiently dancing to the rhythm, he was playing backup today! He felt fancy as he wore his favorite jacket and shorts sitting on a silver stool!

Her nerves felt shot at this point. A song so personal and all these people knew about it as she was performing it for her boyfriend and their friend.

The other night I cried while thinking of having sex with you

Not out of desire or shame but some

subconscious impulse to feel pain

I wiped my tears on my face and neck and the backs of my ears

And said, "Now it's sweat, now it's sweat, it's sweat now"

She and Gerard nodded as Mikey began. Suddenly it was clear why she wanted Mikey around.

Ray crossed his hands on his lap as he listened. His face fell into a neutral expression as he readied to listen to whatever his girlfriend had to say.

But I don't care about hundreds of hypothetical people

And their hypothetical sex deals

I care about me, and my sex deal!

What about my problems?

OoooooooOOOOOooooo

She and Gerard would harmonize. He had fun playing back up.

Baby, my body

Constantly betrays me

I try to betray it

I only hurt myself

As Ray listened he frowned. Guilt ate at him listening to the musical conversation. Was she.. did he hurt her?

But as she got a little more comfortable with the situation her smile would only glow brighter. She smiled in stress but she genuinely seemed happy to just be able to say something now.

It’s only! (It’s only sex)

She was holding Gerard’s free hand as she smiled singing the final words. With a final chord the song was finished and her grip tightened on Gerard. She needed to feel safe in this moment as Ray reacted. His face became unreadable leaving her worried. Gerard would squeeze her hand back in reassurance.

Ray sighed opening his arms and that warm familiar smile would appear again. The smile she loved. Her home. She released Gerard and would run to her boyfriend hopping off the bar stage and leaping into his safe embrace.

The guys would start packing up having gotten their instruments together solely for her little performance. She had sort of weaseled her way into their hearts over the months and doing her a favor wasn’t all that difficult. She whipped up some mean pancakes and a warm homemade breakfast was always a win to them.

—

The pair would go outside for a walk. A habit the two shared was their talk and chat bit. In general getting some fresh air was nice and walking made it so they could talk more freely. They walked with their arms linked both bundled up for the chilly weather.

“Hey just.. did I ever hurt you? Did I go too far?” He asks her. Worry filled him at the thought. If these were her feelings all along, did he make her uncomfortable?

“I hurt myself. I want you to know that. You never forced me to do anything. I went through with it even when you asked me if I was sure.”

He cupped her face in his hands. “Baby.. I’m so sorry. I love you so much and I’m so sorry. I.. I don’t know.”

She smiled, “I love you too! But with this, what are we going to do? I know you.. you can’t just go without sex.”

Her blunt words forced a chuckle out of him. He leans over and kisses her on the forehead, “I’ll tell you what! We are gonna sleep on this for now! Okay? We’ll figure it out though! I love you! Oh babe I do love you! We are gonna sleep and then figure it out!”

She smiled nodding her head then wrapping her arms around him, “sleep sounds good right now. Poor boys, they must be exhausted!”

“How did you convince them to wake up?” He ponders.

She closes her eyes listening to his heart, “next time we have kitchen access?”

“Mm hmm?”

“I’m making everyone pancakes!”

“Ooh! Bribery!” He chuckles.

The two were all smiles as they slowly walked back towards the van, inner arms wrapped around each other.