#little chapter

“Sorry,” Christina said to Juan once she got herself organized again. He was talking about his most recent holiday with Luise. “I’m ready now. We should take the X5. It’s much more comfortable for watching a movie, and the moonroof is huge. It’ll be like being outside. And I wanna drive.”

“Sure. When was the last time you drove though?” he asked teasingly.

“Don’t harass me or I will make you fear for your life. Just because it’s an SUV doesn’t mean I can’t make it powerslide.”

“Then all the cheese will slide off the pizza.”

“You’re being difficult today.”

“My, okay, well, forgive me,” Juan said, making a face at Luise that was meant to mock her daughter-in-law. She laughed and Christina just rolled her eyes. They got their hot pizza out of the oven and headed for the terraced parking lot hosting the mini film festival.

There was a huge projector screen at the bottom of it and the £15 collected per vehicle went to some children’s charity. As such, the opening night turnout was probably pretty disappointing. The X5 was parked in a prime spot and the nearest cars on either side were at least two meters away. On the plus side, Christina and Juan felt completely isolated and had all the windows down and that big moonroof open to let the stars in. A slight breeze periodically blew through to carry away the yummy pizza smell and probably make everyone else at the movie hungry. There was a little popcorn cart and someone walking around selling sodas, so they wouldn’t have to starve. The rider kind of wanted popcorn too. Watching Audrey Hepburn flit around on screen with her tiny waist and remembering all the “How To Lose The Baby Weight” articles she’d read kept Christina from running over to get some.

One of her all time favorite movies was playing. It’s called Charade and it features, in addition to Hepburn, Cary Grant, Walter Matthau, and James Coburn. It came out in 1963 and was like all of the other charming Cary Grant-and-a-big-leading-lady films of the era- the sort of precursor to the modern romantic comedy- except that Charade is the best of all of them. The writing was just better, and the star-power greater. Hepburn plays a recently widowed woman in Paris and the others are all accomplices to her husband’s big money caper, of which she knew nothing about. They come looking for their money and she doesn’t know whom to trust. Plus some of them aren’t who they say they are. She of course picks Grant to put her trust in despite his identity constantly changing, and their chemistry is humorous and just enjoyable to watch. Christina loved the witty flirting and the clothes, provided entirely by Givenchy. She’d harbored a massive crush on Grant for pretty much her whole life too.

“Why can’t I be more like her?” she asked wistfully while tossing a piece of crust back into the pizza box, which was wedged between the dashboard and the windscreen. “I am small a precocious. That’s a good start, isn’t it?”

“Maybe don’t throw food and you’ll be on your way to Hepburn-level poise,” the Spaniard in the passenger seat joked. He was completely reclined with his bare foot hanging out the side window. “Her naïveté would get boring after a while anyway. That’s only attractive for the first hour.”

“Did I make you watch Breakfast At Tiffany’s?”

“You tried. I made you watch those Nymphomaniac movies instead.”

“Ahh yes, your version of the same story,” the rider giggled. “I get that those were supposed to be deep and serious and meaningful but I still don’t understand them,” she said about a pair of films in which a woman details her lifetime of sexual experiences. It was dark and controversial and full of naked Shia LaBeouf, among others. It was talked about for being too explicit but it was also critically acclaimed. Juan claimed to want to watch it for its cinematic qualities rather than the pornographic ones and Christina believed him because absolutely none of the great deal of sex was any kind of sexy. She found it depressing even though there were parts of the main characters- the girl and an older gent who finds her beaten up in the street- that she liked a lot, especially the guy’s love of learning and the wealth of history and context he duly kept in his head to be able to say something significant about anything, like religious idols and tales of ancient Rome, just like Christina often could. The theme of the two-part film was loneliness, but she fell asleep before that became clear. They were more like a video documentary of how unflattering most sexual positions really are, and how bad most guys are at it. Ugh, ugh, ugh, count to three, aaaaand done.

“That’s because you were too busy being mortified by all the sex to pay attention to everything else,” Juan pointed out. “And the sex with the-“

“Are you like not getting any at home, dude? I’m getting that Horny Juan vibe,” she joked before pointing out how much he was talking about that particular subject, or just bringing it up.

“I’m bored in that area,” the player admitted dismissively, hands clasped behind his head to act as a pillow. Christina switched over onto her side in her slightly less reclined seat and acted like she was settling in to hear a long story, and her face said she was full of anticipation and expectation.

“Taylor isn’t any fun?” she asked, hoping not to sound too curious. Tell me how much Taytay sucks in bed. Dead fish, or one of those chicks that wants to grind on the dude’s nose? Yewwww. Maybe she doesn’t give head. I don’t get that. I remember when I was young and inexperienced I tried to act like I didn’t like it but I hadn’t actually done it. It just sounded awful. I even told Rich Hall that if a girl tells him she likes sucking his dick then she’s lying. I was so confident about it too. So wrong.

“You’re way too interested,” he replied cautiously. “What’s that about?”

“I’m trying to be a good friend, listen to your problems.”

“You’re missing the movie. This looks like a significant part.”

“I can recite the whole movie from memory. He’s about to get in the shower with his suit on because she won’t stop coming onto him and he’s too much of a gentleman to take advantage. He calls it “wash and wear”.”

“Maybe we should have come tomorrow then to see a different one if this is so familiar.”

“No, I’m really glad to be here,” Christina insisted, smiling across the big cabin. “It’s so good to be away from the house. I was starting to think...I don’t know. I was a little afraid I’d be in mom-mode all the time now, even away from Lukas. Like I thought I’d be panicking the whole time. Honestly...” Tell him or don’t tell him, she asked herself, impatient about her mind’s inability to make decisions on the fly. The anxiety she was glad to not be experiencing over Lukas was quickly being overshadowed by anxiety she was feeling over an admission she both did and didn’t want to make. “My hair hurts.”

“Honestly your hair hurts?” Juan asked as she freed her long dark tresses, which were still damp in the middle. The car filled with the scent of citrus juices and sea salt.

“No, I...I was going to say...”

“What is it, cariña?” He turned on his side too, ignoring the movie, and sipped from one of the two cans of Coke living on the center console.

“I went to the barn by myself last night to teach and it was okay but it was hard to focus on what I was doing and I felt like I might...not struggle,” she offered, trying to figure out exactly how to phrase what she wanted to say. It was difficult because she wasn’t exactly sure what she felt, so explaining it wasn’t an exact science either. “But maybe, be more stressed, if I didn’t know in the back of my mind that I was a two minute walk from home and that I was going right back there pretty soon. So when Luise asked me earlier if I wanted to go do the grocery shopping so I could get all the impulse buys I could possibly need- she thinks I’m not eating enough,” Christina explained, regressing from the real topic at hand. ”Anyway, I didn’t want to go by myself even though I wanted to get all these things I was too embarrassed to ask her to buy, like those little snack packs for kids with the four crackers and the cheese that isn’t really cheese and the tiny red stick for spreading it. I knew if I made my first real outing away from Baby with you then even if I flipped out about it or had a panic attack or something then it would be okay because...you.”

She braced for a speech about how unfair it was of her to say things like that, and she had no defense prepared. She knew it wasn’t fair to remind him how important he was to her but she wanted him to know anyway. She felt it was something she’d say to Natasha, or Tom too in other circumstances. There were even times when she said something similar to Tom because she relied on his support and his experience and dedication at horse shows. Paramount in her mind was how good she felt when other people said such things to her. She loved to hear that she mattered, that she helped someone, and she believed Juan would enjoy hearing it too. His response surprised her.

“You don’t need anyone to make things okay for you, not anymore. I bet when you start riding again you’ll feel even better about...well, pretty much everything,” he suggested, plain faced. “I told you the other night. You had this vulnerability about you while you were pregnant, and you were whining alllll the tiiiime. Ha!” He smirked deviously upon stopping her fist from hitting his shoulder. The rider was scowling at him and her lips were pursed angrily. “I’m trying to be helpful! I’m just saying, you were a happier and more confident person when you were riding, and I see it coming back already. I’m trying to give you a compliment.”

“Well it’s hard to tell,” Christina pointed out defensively.

“I like you a lot better when problems just confound you instead of turning you into the helpless little girl who saves things up for uncomfortable conversations in cars. You wouldn’t have told me what you just did a month ago. You’d be afraid and keep it to yourself. So don’t worry too much about going back to regular life. You’ll be fine,” the player said, finishing up with a friendly smile. “And your hair smells amazing. I could eat it.”

“Thanks, I think.” I’m not sure if there’s really such a change, his friend thought. I do feel better but I think it’s just because I’m not pregnant anymore- like, physically. It’s nice of him to administer the pep talk anyway. I didn’t really need to hear him say all that to know he likes not-pregnant me better than pregnant-me though, she added, laughing internally.

“What are you smiling about?”

“Nothing.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“You may. As long as it isn’t one of those inappropriate questions I told you not to ask me and which you insist on asking anyway.”

“Why haven’t I heard a word about the horses since Lukas got here?” Juan’s eyes bored into Christina’s face and it made her uncomfortable. Not in the way he made her uncomfortable earlier with that uninvited and highly personal kiss on her back, but in a much, much worse way. Despite what he had just said about her having the confidence to speak her mind again, something she didn’t even realize she was lacking in recent times, she didn’t feel all that into talking about what was going on in her head in the horse department. It was why she wasn’t more excited to visit with Dirk, and why she wasn’t already back to spending full days in the barn. She could have done that. She easily could have brought Lukas’ rocker over and enough diapers to be able to hang out there for quite a while. She could tend to paperwork, check out her horses physically as she normally did every few days, and watch each one of them go with either Kyle or Stefanie. Doing some lunging on her own was even a possibility if Isandro could keep an eye on the baby for 20 minutes. Giving baths would have been something she looked forward to normally when she couldn’t ride, like when she was injured. Those were things she loved to do almost as much as being in the saddle. The rider didn’t want to do any of those things.

“I have no idea what to do with Dirk. The scans are so good that now I feel like I owe him the chance at a comeback. But I can’t do that in my current state. And what if I end up not caring that much anymore? He deserves to be the priority and I’d hate myself for neglecting him or- I don’t know. He needs someone’s complete focus and attention, and he needs that person to be able to ride him soon. When he is ready, I won’t be. I wouldn’t feel safe. I mean...it’s not that I think anything is going to happen but he’s going to be nuts and if I get hurt then it’s a big problem for everyone now. And let me tell you,” Christina said, one eyebrow raised and her head cocked to the side in a rueful manner. “I can’t operate if I feel that way. You know when a player is just coming back from a 6-month recovery and he’s afraid to go hard? I can’t do what I do if I don’t commit 100%. So not only do I not know what to do with Dirk and not have any way to actually carry out one of the options, I’m also trying to figure out how I’m ever going to be able to get back to the level I was at before if I’m constantly worried about consequences now.”

“Oh, come on, Chris!” the Spaniard spat. He sat up in his seat Indian-style so he could be properly cross with her and not let any kind of laidback posture detract from his apparent anger. “That’s such bullshit. You’re not any more afraid of getting hurt or leaving your kid than you were before of what would happen to André if you were in some terrible accident. You’ve been through everything. You have 9 lives. You aren’t scared of that. You’re just giving yourself an excuse, like a preemptive one.”

“Why are you yelling at me?” Christina asked him skeptically. He has no right to be this mad over something that has nothing to do with him.

“Because everything I’ve been saying about the old you being back was wrong. This is the kind of nonsense I thought you were over,” Juan explained, chuckling a little almost as if he were so disgusted by the conversation that he found it funny. He picked up his soda and took a big drink, perhaps preparing for another wave of verbal assault. “I wish you could hear yourself,” he continued, full of incredulity in both tone and expression. “If you want to bring your horse back then just decide to do it. He’s got you so trained to need a committee to make decisions. I bet you called him this morning to ask what to have for breakfast.”

“This is the thing you’ve never understood,” the rider shouted, loud enough to get the attention of the people in the neighboring cars. Juan started reaching for the power button on the dash so he could put the windows up no doubt. She was furious. “This is why I’m with “him” and not you. Do you know that? Have you figured that out yet? I like that we talk about all of our shit. I’m unhappy when we don’t have a conversation about stuff like this. I want him to share his things too. You just say “do whatever you want” and you know what that starts to feel like after a while? It feels like you don’t care. The only thing you ever tried to stick your nose in was me going to his stupid game. The first thing you ever told me not to do was watch him play. I had to beg you to tell me your feelings before that, or tell me what you wanted from me. I like to know! I need to know! He tells me. And you know...I’ve never understood why you don’t get it because you always tell me to talk out my problems with him and-”

“I tell you to talk to him when your problem is him,” Juan interjected tersely. “I tell you to talk to him when it’s him that’s upsetting you. You don’t need him to tell you what to do about everything else in your life. You don’t need anyone to do that. You can decide for yourself and make anything you want happen. I have seen that.”

Christina didn’t know what to say back. She was shouting at him precisely because she was afraid he was right. She was afraid she sacrificed the backbone that held up all of her personal convictions at some point and became a creature beholden to another. It was very true that she was unhappy if she and André didn’t share their problems. Her issue was that she kind of didn’t want it to be that way. The balance between independence and having someone to rely on was always a struggle for her, from the very beginning of her relationship with the German. That need to lean on each other seemed like a fine thing to have when times were tough but on other days she resented it a bit. I did love when Juan gave me choices and freedom and space, she reminded herself as she tried to sort through what words to say next. But that wasn’t enough. That was what I decided. It’s still true even if I don’t always love it. That will always be better than not having someone to tell you what to do when you need to be told what to do. He’s right though. There was a version of me that took no prisoners. There was a version of me that would do what I know is right for that horse no matter what other things have to be sacrificed and no matter who doesn’t like it. I don’t know if that me still exists.

“Look, I’m sorry to yell,” the Spaniard offered in a softer voice. “I know it’s a...testing time for you right now. I just hate to see you be different than how I love you.” He reached over to smooth out her hair, which was all kinky and sticking up from being tied on top of her head. “And I didn’t know that that’s how you made up your mind between us. I don’t know if I really believe that, honestly. But I did figure out why I’m so lonely all the time. I figured it out Monday night when I came to see you.”

Oh jesus what is he about to say, Christina asked herself, alarmed and tired. Thinking about such huge topics and getting personal and arguing made her hyperaware of how off kilter she really was in the wake of Lukas’ arrival. She didn’t know if it was chemical or emotional or both but she knew nothing felt particularly right. She felt that if the incongruity in her head manifested itself physically then she’d intend to catch an incoming tennis ball with her right hand but find that it was her left constantly reaching up to get it, and missing it.

“I’m lonely because I miss the Chris that was with me. I miss the girl who only thought she was dependent on me to pick her up when really she was doing it herself the whole time. When you were sad you just asked me to make you feel better, and I did. We didn’t need a conference on everything. I let you talk out your problems like with the horses and your money and where to put them but I never told you what to do and you weren’t asking me to. You made your own choices. I will always love you, cariña, but I am in love with someone who doesn’t exist anymore and that’s what hurts me, that’s what makes me feel lonely.”

“I haven’t changed completely though,” she pointed out to him defensively and without thinking. All she thought was that she couldn’t let him think that- couldn’t let him be disappointed in her, or let down. “I am both people. Can I get a full week post-partum to sort out my head?” she asked rhetorically. “Sometimes I need guidance and sometimes I don’t, but I always need to know it’s there if I want it. That was my point. I may have been a little different when I was pregnant, as you say, but I think that’s normal isn’t it? Name an animal that doesn’t behave differently during gestation. I don’t think I’ve fundamentally changed from the person you think you miss.” Right? Maybe?