#literally long

Track 2 -

A much more subdued tone, there’s a quiet sound of writing.

Can you tell me the date?

… March twenty-ninth, seven-forty, modern era – look. I’m sorry.I just. Lost it… I shouldn’t have come by yesterday.

It’s all right Mr. Leonis… I’m surprised you came back.

I need to… talk about it.

That’s what I’m here for.

I… I don’t know where to start.

How about the beginning?

I already told you the beginning.

Tell me it again.

… Okay.

A long pause. Another sigh.

It wasn’t the first time weinfiltrated Zegnautus. It had changed since the last time. We had a tip.Information on how to get to the Emperor. How to cut through the facility withoutdetection. Not only that, but a way to trace where all the ranking generalswere coming and going. So we went in to secure it.

Writing scribbled in thebackground. It stops, and it seems to be a sign for him to go on.

I was careless. It was myfault. The scientist that tipped us off was on our side, but the guardsweren’t. Diane killed one of them. Shot him. They knocked us out. Shot me inthe knee, and in my arm –

A sound of fabric shuffling.

Knocked me out. Woke up in acell. All of us were in one. Facing each other. It was dark. There was nolight. No windows. You could hear… daemons. In the other cells. They strappedme to a bed, cuffed my hands, they took everything we had and I—

An exhale, shaky, his voiceis starting to crack, so he cleared his throat.

Leonis, stay with me.

… it only gets worse.Should I keep going?

That’s up to you.

…

A long minute of silence. Soundslike the C.D. is stuck. Then he finally speaks again.

They knew… that I was apart of Regis’s “inner” group. Wanted to know. About the crystal. About the Ring.Something about the Six – I, I don’t really know. What they were talking about.They didn’t give a shit about my team’s intel. They wanted me.

There was an electronicsealed door. It would beep. Once, then three times before it opened. Outsidethe door, you went down a hallway, then a left, then they took you in a roomand – and –

He’s choking on his words.Breathing heavy. The chair creaks as he shifts around in it.

They had syringes. Knives.Defibrillators. Medical supplies. These metal cuffs. They – they used it. Allof it.

Cor…

She sounds different,genuinely upset, because Cor’s voice is breaking more and more.

I didn’t tell them. I broke.When they broke me I still lied. Sent soldiers after soldier to dead ends. Ithought I could outlast it. I was right, but I wish I wasn’t.

They knew that I hadsomething important. They knew they didn’t want me dead. The doctors, and themilitary, they wanted to know what I knew. Just me. My team… they didn’tknow anything. But that didn’t stop them. Since I wouldn’t break, they wouldtake me and one of them, and then they… and then they…

Cor finally freezes up,hyperventilating, clawing the chair so hard you can hear the fabric pluckingunder his fingernails. He couldn’t continue. The doctor finished his sentencefor him.

They tortured them. And thenthey made you watch.

…M-Mhm.

Silence. Then a sob breaksfree. It’s a wretched noise. Cor’s crying is such a raw and weak noise, sofilled with trembling and pain. The sound of tissues coming out of a box, andthe doctor’s chair rolling outward.

Cor. Cor. Take a breath.Breathe. Here.

I’m—I’m sorry.

Don’t be. Cor. Let’s take abreak. Okay?

…

Cor? Is that okay?

Okay.

Track 3 –

Sorry, hospital lunches areall shit.

I noticed.

You sure you still want tocontinue?

… Yes.

You’ve made a lot of progresstoday. If you want to come back tomorrow. Maybe you should rest.

No. If I… I need to keeppushing…

He gives a long shaky sigh,fabric rustling while he tries to sit properly in the chair.

If I don’t… I don’t knowwhen I’ll open up again. Might be tomorrow. Might be another year.

I see where you’re comingfrom, but… you need to pace yourself. I don’t want you to overwhelmyourself.

I want to think I can handleit. I’m still here, right? And they aren’t. So I… I have to say something.For them.

…All right. For them.

A pen clicking. Some papershuffling, the crinkle of a plastic bag as she discards the rest of an uneatenlunch in a trash bin. Cor waits.

Should I jog your memoryagain?

No. I remember. They wouldtake Diane and the others. Take me with them. They—

A shaky breath.

Cor—

They destroyed them.

His voice is suddenly louder,clearer.

They took a sledgehammer, anddestroyed her feet, destroyed his hands. They beat him. Crushed bones, sprayedpoison until we were bleeding from everywhere. Diane –

The chair is creaking, hardbreathing, but he’s not crying.

Who is Diane, Cor?

… She died last. She diedafter 64 days. Died in her sleep. Lucky thing… She was exhausted… shekept telling me. Every time. Every time they took her. Don’t break. Don’t tellthem. Don’t let them in. The last thing she told me… was not…

Another sigh.

“Even if it saves my life. Don’tbreak. Don’t let this break you.”

The doctor is silent, nowriting, Cor’s voice is so filled with grief, even when he tries sopathetically to hide that.

A Crownsguard’s job is tolive to guard and protect the King, and die to protect him further. And I knewnothing but that. That’s all I am.

You didn’t break.

Her voice, it’s like all theair has been sucked out of her.

No. I didn’t. They hadnothing left to break me with than myself… they left their bodies in thecells across from me. In all that blood and piss and vomit and – So… so I just,I just watched them rot—

Cor stood up suddenly.

Cor, here—

She lifts the trash can tohim, but he pushes it away. He heaves, but doesn’t throw up.

I need to go outside.

There’s a bathroom down thehall. Cor, let’s sit in the courtyard, this office is too… confined.

You think? Why don’t you havewindows?

Let’s go outside. Let me movemy things, and let’s go outside.

Track 4 –

The sound of wind hitting themicrophone is prominent, but Cor sounds different. His hands are scrubbed raw,but that’s not something that comes over on the C.D. just that he’s wringingthem so hard in his gloves. The doctor gives a sigh, but she’s done asking Corif he needs to stop. This is the farthest he’s come in an entire year.

You need to remind yourselfthat you’re free. That you’re not there anymore.

That’s why I need to gooutside.

You still go out on recon?

Yeah. I just… I justrealized, we shouldn’t be talking about this outside, should we?

… To hell with it.

She’s not writing anymore.Just listening to him. Holding the recording device close to her lap.

I still do recon. Still workwith the Crownsguard. I don’t know how to do anything else. I can’t stay in anoffice, or a meeting, I don’t stay in rooms where there aren’t windows, not forvery long.

What do you dream about?

Them. Just them. Sometimes it’swhat happened to me. But… it’s almost always them. Sometimes it’s thingsthat happened a long time ago, but I. I still remember.

When you were… when you werealone. Do you remember what happened?

I lost count of the days.Didn’t want to keep track anymore. They talked about destroying my body a lot.My face. They tried, but the generals would get upset if I started to look unrecognizable.. . Said they wanted Lucians to recognize my face when they paraded the corpsearound.

A sigh.

I died twice. The doctorstold me. One time they had to defibrillate me. Another time, they had to dosurgery, because someone had crushed my windpipe, and I started to suffocate.They put a – a pipe in me.

An endotracheal pipe. Iremember. I replaced it when you came here.

That was just before theyfound me.

So, that’s why you couldn’tspeak for a couple days.

Yeah.

You healed quiteconsiderably, some people never sound the same after that injury.

People told me my voicesounds a bit different but… I can’t really tell, myself. The doctor inZegnautus was using the best he could afford.

… was he, was he beingkind to you?

No. He just wanted to. Theyaren’t used to keeping people alive and saving them in there, so, he said thebest equipment gets passed up. He was the one keeping my team from dying, butsometimes he wasn’t there when they… when they did it.

Would he get upset? When yourteam started to…

No. He was concerned withkeeping me alive. Just me. He revived Jacob a few times but… that was…

Cor. Breathe.

An inhale. A slow exhale.

You’re free Cor. Yousurvived.

I know.

But I don’t think you do. You’restill there. Mentally. You go back there. You can’t. Cor, there’s nothing leftfor you there.

I know!

His voice broke again, and hesinks into his seat, hand covering his face and muffling his voice.

You have to adjust. It’sgonna take a long time, Cor. But I know you can.

Haven’t I adjusted enough?

If you really thought thatwould you have come here today?

Silence on his end. Hewhispers one last thing to her, but it gets lost in the wind.

Track 5 –

So. Let’s just do theconclusion out here. First, this is just for you. I want you to give yourself aregimen, one that includes free time. I want you to find a hobby. I don’t wantyou in bed. The longer you stay there, the more nightmares you get.

I know that—

Shh. Let me speak. You don’twant a break from work, but any time you change your mind I’m here. I can writea note. As for your medication… I’m fine with you being on anti-anxiety andSSRI for your mental health. I’d like to do a screening to make sure you aren’tdeveloping OCD.

You think I’m getting OCD?

I’m not sure, but it can developas a coping mechanism.

I would also like to make sure youget screened for your PTSD.

I don’t have it.

Clearly, you do.

I can’t have it.

What do you mean you can’t?

I’ll get discharged.

Maybe that’s what’s best. Don’tyou think?

No. I don’t think so.

Why?

I don’t know how to doanything else.

So what are you going to do?Pretend you don’t have it?

I can deal with it.

You can’t.

Are we done?

A long sigh from the doctor.She’s given up on things like this.

I’ll put in a prescription foryou. If you ever feel like you can bring yourself to talk about it again… I’llbe here.

Thanks.

Cor zips up his jacket, andlets out a sigh.

You sure you’re okay Mr.Leonis?

I’ll live.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I’m sure.

If it helps, it gets betterwith time, you know. The nightmares. The memories.

Cor’s silent for a while.Then he speaks.

Do you know that for sure?

Now it’s her turn to besilent.

Cor. Please take care ofyourself.

Nothing, just the sound ofclothing shuffling while Cor pulls over his bag.

You will take care ofyourself, right?