#linn writes

Even Red grieved. Lance said she had gone quiet, and she was slower than usual, more subdued. It was clear that even though Lance piloted her, it was Keith who had been her paladin. It had even taken a long time before she let anyone in her, he had witnessed a crying Lance begging her to let him, begging her not to make him lose that part of Keith too. Now she had, he knew Lance spent more time in Red than anywhere else, he even slept there and he didn’t show up to train with the others. Shiro knew he had to talk to him, he knew it had to be he who talked to Lance. He found Lance in the hangar as usual, exiting red with bloodshot eyes and hunched shoulder. He barely glanced up at Shiro as he walked past and Shiro blurted out an “I’m sorry”. Lance stopped and turned around. Shiro took one look at him and words started to spill out.

“If I could spare his life, if I could trade his life for mine, he would be here now. He would be here now and maybe than you all could move on. I disappeared and you went on with your life, with Voltron, even Keith did, but now we are all in a standstill, we are all stuck in limbo. And if I just, I could just- “ He swallowed. “-If I could just go back in time and listen to you when you said we should leave Naxzela maybe none of this wouldn’t have happened. I don’t understand or know all the challenges we will be facing now, how we will move on, if we ever can, or how to be able to function again. There is no replacing what we’ve lost and we all need time, but if you could, try to at least join us for dinner, try to sleep in your room. I won’t ask you to train with us if you are not ready for that but please don’t make us lose you too.” Lance still didn’t say anything and Shiro faltered.

“Lance do you want to be alone? Red’s quiet alone.”

When Lance still didn’t reply Shiro started to leave. He supposed that Lance did the same as Shiro wanted to do, to push it all away, push away what you could never understand, push away the unimaginable. To push it away and at the same time just swim down in it and drown. Just when Shiro walked past Lance, Lance put up a hand on Shiro’s shoulder.

“It is not your fault. He was like a brother to you, and I'm sorry that you lost him, at least I know my siblings are still alive, I'm sorry Shiro - you were the only one who had your family with you here from the start and now you've lost it more than anyone else of us have.” "And you were in love with him." “Yes." "I'm sorry you never got to tell him." "Me too, I guess it's just one of those things you never know will be too late until they are."

“I think he knew” and after a brief pause Shiro continued with “I think he loved you too”.

Shiro looked at Red and thought that no matter how different their love for Keith had been, they still shared the same scars

It started slow; Pidge no longer cried herself to sleep; Matt stopped avoiding the team, Allura worked up the courage to look them all in the eye; Hunk stopped putting out an extra platter of food without even having to think about it; Shiro started spending time in the training hall again, without seeing Keith’s shadow in every corner. Even Lance seemed better, he smiled more, and sometimes it even reached his eyes. Still Keith presence lingered with its absence. It would be easier to let him go, if they would stop letting him be the elephant in the room, if they would talk about him, bring his memory out of the shadows but that was difficult. Allura didn’t know if she had the right to do that, if she had the right to decide that it was time to move on in their grieving, time to let Keith go, time to let him and his memory back into their lives. She hadn’t been as close to Keith as Shiro, sure he had been family to her, he really had been, but not in the same way he had been to Shiro. She hadn’t loved him as Lance had. She hadn’t lost all that they had. So instead of bringing Keith up she stayed silent while the quilt and sorrow ate at her. There were a million of moments when either of them could’ve brought him up, and despite that no on ever did, his name hung in the air those moments.

Lance never really slept. He rested for a while, short hours at the time. He remembered when his Grandma has died and he would wake up thinking she was still alive. He didn’t think he could survive that this time, he didn’t think he could handle that kind of hope right now. It would only crush what little of himself he had left. So, he didn’t sleep, he hardly ate or spoke. Sometimes he slipped up and made a joke and instantly felt guilty. How could he joke when Keith was gone? When Keith, Keith, the most vibrant and daring person Lance had ever known, the most alive person Lance had ever known, was gone. He tried a little harder for the rest of the team after what Shiro had said. He joined them on missions, things slowly went back to normal and Lance wanted to scream. How could they move on? How dare they move on? As if Keith was just a past chapter in their lives, one you could after a while flip past and forget about. It wasn’t that the others didn’t grieve. They did and Lance knew that but no one seemed to be as ripped apart by this as him. As him and Shiro.

Shiro’s words of “I think he loved you too” ripped Lance apart. Had Keith really known? Had he really loved Lance too? Had they had a shot at a relationship together? Had they had, had they had, had they had… All in past tense. Why did everything have to be in past tense, why couldn’t he be allowed a relationship with Keith? The only person he had ever really loved romantically? Why did Lance have to lose everyone? If only he could go back in time and tell Keith, maybe Keith would’ve stayed then. Maybe he wouldn’t have left if he knew, really knew, Lance felt the same. Oh, why had he left if Shiro was right and he had known that Lance was in love with him. Why would he turn his back on the relationship they could’ve had? Lance couldn’t figure it out. If he had known Keith was in love with him. If he had known well he would’ve done anything to come back to Keith, to share a life, a future, a relationship, a something with Keith. Maybe Lance had just not been enough. Maybe he had just not been enough to matter in the grand scheme of things to Keith.

Lance said curled up in Red when he heard the guns on the ship fire off, he perked up in his seat on the floor. Where they being attacked? He opened the com centre in Red when her engine suddenly roared to life and she started trashing around the hangar. She broke out of the shaft ad flew right out in space with a confused and scared Lance inside her.

The Galra ship was approaching with terrifying speed and showed no signs to slow down no matter how much they shot at it. The team was tense, this was the first attack directly on the castle since Keith’s death and his absence and quick thinking was hanging clear in the air. Shiro choked on air a few times when he was giving order but no one mentioned it. The ship easily avoided all shots and Shiro knew they needed Lance, they needed their sharpshooter. He motioned for Allura to call for him.

“Lance, Lance, we need you in the castles control room, we are being attacked!” There was no response and when she tried again they saw Red flying out between the castle and the ship. They watched how Red approached the ship and then all of a sudden turned around and started attacking the castle.

“Lance! What are you doing?”

“I’m not doing anything, it’s Red, she has gone crazy!”

“Try to get control of her!”

“I can’t, she won’t let me!”

“Keep her distracted Lance, and I’ll fire the big canon on the ship”

“Okay!”

And while the rest of the team attacked the ship in vain to distract Red, Allura prepared the big canon. It only took one blast from it to tear the ship to pieces and when it had they watched how Red dove forward into the wreaks of it.

“Why would Red turn on us, Allura?”

“I don’t know Shiro, maybe she has taken a hit we haven’t noticed and we- “ She stopped and looked out to Red, “- what on Altea is going on?” ´

Red had opened her mouth and was taking in pieces of the ship into it.

They heard Lance make a sound between a sob and a scream and Shiro immediately ordered the others to their lions.

“No, no, no it’s fine,” Lance sobbed out. “I’m fine, I’m fine, it’s- it’s- it’s Keith.”

There was a long pause and then Pidge’s voice choked by hope whispered. “Keith?”

Shiro hurried up and hunched down in front of Lance and Keith, yes it was Keith, but he was badly injured. He had horrifying scars in his face and on the parts of his body where the blast from the canon had burned away the fabric of his clothes. He was bleeding all over Lance, but he was breathing.

Shiro choked out a sob and stroked away some Keith’s hair from his face. He was alive. He was alive. He was alive. But he wouldn’t be for long unless they did something. Shiro turned around.

“Allura?”

But Allura wasn’t there, in fact the only one left there was Pidge.

“They went to fix a healing pod,” Pidge explained. “Can- Can I- Can I- Can I see him? I just have to see him. Please.”

Shiro nodded and Pidge walked up to them. She scooted in next to Shiro and looked at Keith. Her hands hovered over his chest and his face before she settled on laying her hand on his cheek and her head on his shoulder.

“Please survive, I can’t handle losing you again.”

Shiro laid an arm around her shoulders, and she turned around and buried herself in his chest and cried. Out of grief, or fear, or hope, Shiro didn’t know. They sat like that for a while, Lance cradling Keith, Shiro holding Pidge, as she desperately clung to Keith’s scarred hand. As Keith was bleeding heavily from his arm, his legs, his back, and his head Shiro didn’t dare to move him even one inch. But when Coran and Hunk came back Shiro knew they had to and it scared him. As Lance looked incapable of even moving, let alone stand up, Shiro slid his arms under Keith and lifted him up as carefully as possible. Pidge stayed behind with Lance, who still didn’t move or speak.

Pidge was scared, she was really, really scared. She had thought they, that she, had gone through the worst, but she now realised that what they had gone through before was nothing compared to this. Compared to knowing that they almost had had Keith back and that if they now didn’t, if he died now it would be on them. They were the one to attack the galra ship, to shoot it with the big canon. They were the ones who had injured Keith that badly, and if it didn’t survive it, that was on them.

She didn’t know what was worse, the guilt or the hope. What she did know was that it was worse than grieving. When they had thought they knew Keith was dead, sure there had been guilt, a lot of it, but that had been the kind of not trying hard enough to keep harm away, not the kind of actively causing harm.

It had crushed her when she thought Keith was dead, it had crushed her innocence in one hard blow. But this time, this hope, it was worse. It was hoping, praying, believing in something you didn’t yet have. It was like selling the bearskin before you had killed the bear, like saying yes before you knew the answer, it was heartbreak in the waiting. If Keith didn’t survive this it would kill her, this hope would kill her, because she could have him back, and if she didn’t, she would lose him all over again and she didn’t think she could survive that.

Hunk saw Keith’s broken body and wished he hadn’t. How would he be able to remember Keith as alive when he had seen him like this. Seen him looking more like death than anything else Hunk had seen. But maybe, maybe Keith could survive this, a small part of Hunk’s mind whispered. Another part reminded him that even if Keith survived this, and it was a big if, he wouldn’t be the same Keith that had left them. He had been gone for what? Seven months? And judging by the scars all over his body, that could in no way have been caused by their canon, it hadn’t been easy seven months.

He couldn’t stay with Keith, it filled him with shame, but he couldn’t stay and watch them count up all the injuries, all the injuries they had caused him. Instead he went to the training hall and sat down on the floor. He could almost see Keith fight his opponent with a grace that made it resemble a dance. See him take down droid after droid, see his smug smile when he won another level. But then the images changed and the Keith in his mind was lying there bloody and broken on the floor, just as Keith was now.

Allura helped Coran examine Keith while Shiro stood a little farther away to make sure he didn’t get in the way. This was bad, Allura knew that. You weren’t supposed to survive a blast from their canon but more than that, looking at Keith, it was a miracle he was still breathing. All of his ribs were broken, he had a fracture at the back of his skull, he was bleeding copious amounts and they couldn’t figure out from where all the blood came from. They carefully took out all the rubble from the ship that had pierced Keith in the blast and his clothes off to examine his body better and Allura’s heart sank. He had so many scars, so, so many scars. She knew the look of a body that had been tortured and this was one. Coran pointed to a wound at Keith’s right thigh and she closed her eyes in defeat. The wound was almost black and surrounded by thin lines of black like spiderwebs over Keith’s leg. Blood poison.

“Shiro?”

He looked up. “Yeah?” His voice was desperate and horrified and Allura wished she had good news, or at least better news.

“We need to take his leg.”

“What?”

“We need to- we need to amputee his leg. He has blood poisoning; if we don’t do anything he’ll die. I’m sorry.”

“You can’t- Can’t the healing pod fix that?”

“It’ll only heal the wound, trapping the poison inside. This is our only choice. I am so sorry Shiro.”

“Okay. Okay, do it”

Allura swallowed and sent Shiro an apologetic look as he left the room to give them space.

Shiro decided he should be the one to tell the rest of the team about Keith’s leg. Hunk and Pidge were the easiest. He found them sitting together in the training room, leaning on each other, with tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes. Shiro felt guilty that he had to bring them such sad news. However, to Shiro’s surprise, after the first moment of chock and pain Pidge’s face turned determined.

“Don’t worry Shiro, we’ll build him a new leg, Hunk and I. We’ll make him one like your arm, but with Altean technology, so it will be even better than yours. He won’t be permanently broken, he will be- he will be…” here Pidge trailed off.

Hunk stepped in. “He won’t be the same Keith, but he will survive, and he will learn to use his leg as you did our arm, and he will be a whole person. No matter if we can make him a new leg or not, and we will be able to, or how many limbs he loses, he will still be a whole person. A whole Keith, an alive Keith. And aren’t that really what matters most?”

“He will be fine, Shiro, he will be fine, because he will be alive, and he will be with family.” Pidge continued. She stood up and hugged him and Hunk joined.

“Don’t worry Shiro, you’ll get your little brother back.”

Lance had retreated to his room but that was also all he had done. He hadn’t taken a shower or even changed out of his bloody clothes. He had Keith’s blood all over his hands, he would never be able to wash a way that picture in his mind. Shiro had told him about Keith’s leg, and Lance had thought of Keith in the training room with his quick steps and footwork Lance could never copy. He had thought of Keith running the track, of him jumping, sprinting, and climbing during missions and thought of how he might never be able to do that again.

He stayed in there, staring at Keith’s blood on his hand until Hunk came in with a soft expression. He helped Lance out of his clothes, led him to the shower, and told Lance that the line was drawn at him helping Lance shower. Lance choked out a laugh and stepped in.

He felt numb and cold, despite the hot water. He had closed his eyes before stepping into the shower and was determined to keep them closed. If he had to see Keith’s blood trickle down his body he might go insane. He stood there until the heater ran out of warm water, then he stepped out, wrapped the bathing robe Hunk handed him and sat down on the bed. Hunk sat down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled Lance’s head onto his shoulder and finally, finally, Lance could cry.

Once Allura and Coran had gotten Keith into the healing pod Coran finally let go of his guard and let his tears flow. He had watched the paladins of old die, he was not prepared to watch it happen to these ones too. Allura hugged him hard and they clung to each other as they fell apart. Once they let go and Coran went to tell the team Allura turned to Keith again. She pressed her hand against the glass of the pod and whispered an old Altean prayer for him to survive.

To her surprise the only ones who came immediately to see Keith was Pidge and Hunk. When Allura opened her mouth to ask Hunk shook his head.

“They need time, seeing Keith like this… They just need some time.”

Allura nodded and she, Hunk, Pidge and Coran watched the unconscious Keith in the pod hoping and praying that he would wake up.

It was the middle of the night when Shiro finally visited Keith. He sat down cross-legged in front of the pod. He sat there and remembered Keith’s final words and wondering what his final thought had been. He remembered Keith laughing in the common room, he remembered Keith looking at Lance with an expression Shiro would’ve killed to have a photo of, he remembered Keith, he remembered…

He remembered Keith at twelve, when they first had met – a few years before Keith would start at the Garrison – he remembered Keith fighting, shutting in, acting out, but more than that he remember that time when he had crashed with a ship and been injured when he was training to be a pilot himself, and how Keith had sat by his side and held his hand when no one else was there to do it. Shiro had too grown up in foster homes and he knew how bad that could go. Unbeknownst to Keith Shiro had tried to get custody of him when Shiro had turned eighteen but been deemed not appropriate for that, as he was so young and had no bloods band with Keith. So, when he had failed to get Keith out of the foster homes, he made sure Keith had someone to go to when things got to bad. And when Keith reached the age to apply to the Garrison, Shiro had helped him apply, put in a good word for him when it came to the scholarship and been his mentor.

Many saw Shiro as some kind of saint for taking the broken, angry kid under his wing. For “saving” him. But really, in many ways it was Keith who saved him. He was there for him when he crashed, but more than so he brought in that sense of family back into Shiro’s life that he hadn’t felt since his parents had died. He brought back something in Shiro that had reminded him that he didn’t have to go through life alone. He had given Shiro a brother. He had given Shiro a family. Someone to talk to, someone to tease, someone to argue with, someone to love. He had given Shiro a home. It had killed him when he lost Keith, but losing him like this, losing him when the heart that had given in under Shiro had started hoping again… well it would be worse.

Shiro remembered the car crash that had killed his parents, he remembered sitting in a waiting room in the hospital with the social services and hearing two nurses talking about him nearby. He had heard one of them say “hope is the worst part; the hope will always be the worst part”. He hadn’t understood what that meant then; he hadn’t understood what it meant to truly hope, to give your whole body and soul into a wish, but he did now. When there was no hope, there was at least an end to a tunnel, there was something to get over. You couldn’t begin to get over something when your whole being still hoped for it not to happen.

Shiro shook his head, there was no point in thinking about how much it would hurt if Keith now did die, it wouldn’t make it hurt any less. Instead he sat there and figured maybe he could keep Keith company for a while, or that Keith could keep him company, which ever made himself sound less insane. He just wanted to be with his little brother for a little while longer.

Lance didn’t come until three days later, when the rest was out on a diplomatic dinner and Lance had stayed behind in case Keith should wake up. Lance didn’t think he would, no one really did, Keith’s injuries were far from healed, but no one had argued when Lance had given that reason to stay behind.  He stood there in the door opening to the room with healing pods and stared at Keith whose right leg was cut off at the thigh. After a deep breath he stepped into the room and walked over to Keith.

“I don’t know, I don’t know how to talk to you. I know you are supposed to talk to comatose people, I did that with my great aunt, but I don’t know… I don’t know where to begin. “

“I loved you? Okay? I loved you, and Shiro says you knew, but I wanted to say it myself too. I just, I loved you, I love you, and then I lost you and now I’m losing you all over again. I don’t know how I survived that. How I survived you dying, but I did, and I do, and I will, but please don’t make me. Please don’t make me live without you. Come back to me. Don’t die on me. Not like this, preferably not ever but like, not like this. You are supposed to have a long life, a long happy life with racing planes, asteroid fields, adventures and bruises. You were supposed to have a long life, with soft kisses goodnight, hands holding your calloused ones and fingers running through that stupid mullet of yours. You were supposed to have it all, you were the one who was supposed to get through this all standing tall, if so only because it was your turn. Everyone else here had their happy time, everyone else had a family before. And I know that’s not how life works but maybe you had earned your happy ending. I mean, shit, you were a defender of the universe, of course you earned that. But also because you were this sweet soft boy, with bright smiles, confused eyebrows, gloved hands and a heart that loved so deeply even if you refused to let it show. You deserved everything, everything, and anything but this. Please come back to me”

Lance took a deep breath, “okay, sorry for the outburst, you really don’t need that pressure now, I’ll try to be more cheerful. How about I tell you of my family? I never did that right? Oh, they would have loved you – “

Lance sat there and talked for hours until his voice was almost gone, and sleepless nights were getting to him. He fell asleep in front of the healing pod until Shiro came and woke him up and ordered him to the bedroom and for once Lance obeyed.

Keith was dreaming, dreaming of home. He dreamed of long corridors and blue lights; he dreamed of six different voices speaking over each other; he dreamed of blue eyes and brilliant smiles; he dreamed of supporting hands and the words “I will never give up on you”. He saw a bright light in front of him and the heard a storm in his body, yet his heart was easy. They would make it, they would survive, they would be safe. He was home once more and he could feel the warm light getting closer. He closed his eyes – or had the been closed all along? – and the light faded in front of him, and everything turned to black.

He felt a pair of shaking hands grab his shoulders and saw a steady smile.

“Hello there, brother”