#lildreams

“So quickly, as if my entire life spontaneously sped up from one exact moment, the years have flown by, and I am standing face-to-face with a person who never fails to perplex me looking at me in the mirror. Through all my mistakes and previous efforts, and God knows there have been countless, it is, in the very least, reassuring I make far fewer messes than I have previously been notorious of making. Still, there are innumerable times I crave when I was brazen and disregarded all else but my interests, especially when I first laid eyes on you and everything else simply faded away. My God, I cannot begin to explain how my unrelenting thoughts of you have all but distorted my reality. I love you, until the end of time, there is no doubting that. Yet, every time my impulsivity flairs, how come it is you who causes my moral compass to waver? I love you, I’m sure of nothing except that, but I wish for once in the time we have loved each other it was simple. I want so desperately for some act of fate to come into play so I can finally be with the one I have always desired. And yet, I pine for a reality that can never exist: one where I may love you for the rest of my life as we have always known to be what should be true, but without hurting anyone who loves us now. The truth is no such comforting reality will ever exist, and we will likely long for one another while being tied to another until I am too old to hold you the way I have so desperately wanted to from the instant I opened the door and saw my destiny.” — January 18

“We walk without haste in the rain, slightly intoxicated by spirits and each other’s presence, and you speak to me candidly about the contents of your life. I cannot help but take it all in and think: your chaos matches mine so swimmingly I could swear we were made for one another in the place such anomalous connections are conceived precluding space and time. In a world so quick to seem exclusive to those content with mundane nothingness each day, you make me feel as if I have a small piece of reality I fit into without relinquishing the authenticity I have tried feverishly to curate despite years of suppressing it all. The way you have felt like home, someone deserving of the side of me too tender to expose to the general public leaves me comfortably vulnerable for the first time. And every moment we share feels like the first time, in the way I am terrified and naive about what it really means to be in love. Yet simultaneously, you have presented yourself as the only one with a true understanding of devoting yourself to my usually unshakable core, and leaving me defenseless against your charm. Honestly? I do not want to defend myself from them ever again, for that would be depriving myself of the purest pleasure I have ever come to know.” — August 12, 2021

“My insides were all twisted up at the notion of your loved ones detesting my very existence. I could not think of what else to do besides flee and make it known there would be no hard feelings, as I could not fathom you truly wanting me without their approval. Cherries and berries danced across our faces and the entirety of the otherwise dark city block as you stopped me in the street to ask if I loved you. Unbeknownst to you, the thought of how much I have adored every ounce of your being since your lips first met mine had been circling around my silly brain incessantly for weeks, and I was resisting the urge to profess my undying affection in fear of destroying this bewitching connection so newly discovered. And in that moment, the only logical phrase I could utter was a simple yes. How fortunate for me, you have understood my every thought and action from the start, and even more opportune you requited, reassured my affection by telling me you, too, love me. In that instant, my sickness subsided and we melted into one another for what I wish was an eternity. To be frank, I truly believe it could be, as you are the only one who has not sent my trembling heart flying into my throat with complete and utter doubt regarding whether or not my feelings were time or simply fabricated in some desperate attempt to feel longed for and desired. You are the one I have sought after my entire life and I will be damned if I ever let you go as effortlessly as you entered.” — August 12, 2022

“My eyes roll into the back of my head as I begin to analyze everything, as one does in my situation. As I made my way to your house, I repeatedly berate myself, ensuring my goal is clear: I am just not in a position to entertain the idea of another romance inevitably ill-fated. One must be sure of their intentions before journeying off on lustful endeavors, as lines are easily blurred in the place known as perfunctory bliss, inhabited by serendipitous mates with a life expectancy of mere hours at most. Alas, even the best of intentions can be in vain when all rationale exits your body in a swift manner, leaving you defenseless against the evildoer within your chest. How remarkable is it simple chemicals cause us to imprint upon another being within moments of encountering their physical form, as if that may be any indication as to whether or not they are of substance or we could ever genuinely recognize the inner workings of their soul. And though all logical parts of myself see this for its daunting reality, free of silly daydreams of some instantaneous devotion to one another that surely must only exist in the depths of imagination, I begin to feel my pulse racing. A lifetime of scribbling out my most intimate moments has caused me to search for the most picturesque ways to describe being left speechless and without thoughts and or feelings to share. In this instance, I am as inarticulate as ever. I fear I may already love you too much.” — April 15, 2021