#lightnull

growling.  /  selectively accepting.  /  @lightnull

Xion tries not to be angry.  Not to be cruel, or sharp.  Not to be shrapnel, or a weapon, or the kind of girl who cannot so much as breathe without harming others.  But she is angry, and cruel, and sharp, and if she cannot speak a whisper of it to the world then all the jagged pieces of herself turn inward.  Her guts have been mangled for months from swallowing the glass of her own rage, blood in her throat and she daren’t open her mouth to smile lest red leak through her teeth.

She is angry, and she is in love with Naminé, and Namine is —— Naminé is.  Naminé is and Xion knows that it is unfair to ask more of her but she is so young and so angry and so accustomed to empty and is trying to learn that she should not have to be.

Naminé speaks and Xion is angry, and cruel, and sharp.  First : to herself.  Her hands press, hard, at the flesh around the scar down her middle, nails / claws / overusing berserk, aren’t we? / nails digging into the flesh of her stomach.  Her teeth grit and she tries to keep the angry inside herself, but even when she feels her claws digging into her stomach it doesn’t stop.  Her mouth parts and she can’t stop it and she hates it and she hates Naminé, for just a moment, but it’s enough time to bite out ———

“You don’t get to decide what I feel.”

Nobody does.  NOT ANYMORE.  Not Saïx, hiding in the skin of a better (  ?  ) man.  Not Xemnas, dead, dead, gone, she has to remind herself when she wakes up screaming.  Not Riku, who told her to die and is now trying to convince her to live.  AND NOT NAMINÉ, WHO SENTENCED HER TO DEATH AND XION WAS NOT ALLOWED TO MOURN HERSELF WITHOUT CELEBRATING THE HARM OF OTHERS.

“Who’s a GOOD PERSON, Naminé?  Who am I ALLOWED to care about?  Is LEA a good person?”  It’s a snarl; they both know he isn’t.  Wasn’t.  Not to Naminé, doll in a cage.  Her hands throw out.  “Maybe Kairi, who’s the reason both of us have to EXIST?  Or — or am I allowed to love Roxas?  He only KILLED ME and would have KILLED SORA.  Maybe Aqua!  She just pointed Sora at — at his own death!”  Her voice breaks; cracks.  “What about me?  Am I a good person?  Because I sure wasn’t when I was the reason your light wouldn’t wake up.”

Her hands dart to her own dark hair, tugging hard.  “Who do I have your PERMISSION to love, Naminé?  Who’s GOOD ENOUGH for you to give me PERMISSION?  Because I need permission, right?  Because the puppet always needs ——”

Her voice cuts off with a low, furious sob.  Sick of this.  Sick of it.  She loves Lea even though he hurt people.  She loves Kairi even though she looks in the mirror and sees red hair instead of black.  She loves Aqua and she loves Roxas and she loves Naminé and she is SICK OF WONDERING IF SHE IS ALLOWED TO DO THAT.

Naminé handed her to death but she did it gently and to Xion that is enough.  Naminé handed her death but she is here to share her life and she will not have her heart or her love minimized because Naminé wants to pretend that it is INCORRECT.

“I’m so tired of agonizing over who I’m allowed to care about.  I don’t care if you’re a GOOD PERSON.  You’re still good.  And you don’t get to tell me what I’m allowed to believe.  So don’t — don’t you DARE tell me what I’m ALLOWED to think about you.  You don’t get to MAKE that decision.”

Xion looks at her, vision hazy, jerking a thumb hard towards her own chest.

“I made the choice to see you and love you and think you’re good.  You don’t get to act like my choice is wrong.  You don’t get to take my choice away from me.”

based on nothing.  /  accepting.  /  @lightnull

“Glass houses,” Kairi murmurs in quick reply, more to herself than to the girl / real and solid and beloved / the girl beside her.  What could she blame the others for?  Lea, for hurting her, like she hasn’t hurt all she loves?  Or Riku, for falling and protecting her anyway?  Maybe Xion, for keeping Sora asleep, as though he’d have to sleep if Kairi hadn’t forced him to chase and chase and chase her?  Or Naminé, who broke him far fewer times than the princess and saved him far more?

What could she blame the others for that would not turn just as quickly turn back to her?  What stones could she hurl at them that would not ricochet back and shatter the careful reality she is building around herself?

“—— I like to think that I can be forgiven,” she says, voice quiet, as her feet knock together where they dangle from the dock the two are sat upon.  She does not deserve forgiveness — not from Sora or Riku or Naminé — but she hopes nevertheless.  Selfish.  “If I can’t forgive other people, how can I hope that they can forgive me?”

     there was always a certain something thatbloomed in his chest whenever she was near. it was warm and secure and managedto spread throughout his whole being and he wasn’t sure what to call it. hewasn’t sure if it even had a name. maybe it was one of her powers? maybe it wassome kind of magic? or maybe it was something stronger. somethingindescribable.     something that wasn’t meant to be explained with words but to befelt with the heart.     so he lets it be, doesn’t give it more than a passing thoughtabout what this something was, what it meant. because naminé was beside him.because naminé was here. so nothing else really mattered. not now.     the worlds always seemed to shine brighter whenever she wasin their company ; the birds sang and the trees danced and the winds embracedthem as if they were life – long friends. everything glowed, everything shonewith warmth. with brilliance. and naminé? was just as bright, if not brighter. thegreens and blues and browns of the outside worlds truly suited her better thanany white castle walls.     she turns to him and looks at him and smiles at him and —— there was thatsomething again, settling between his ribs ( does she feel it too, he wonders?) only this time it knocks a little harder than before, holds on to him alittle tighter ( does it hurt her as much as it hurts him, he wonders? ) itleaves him breathless ; she leaves him breathless. has his heart skipping beatsand running rampant and — oh man, he needs to relax. needs to calm down. buthow could he? when she’s looking at him with eyes that shine so bright that theno doubt the sun grows jealous. when she’s looking at him with an expressionthat’s only making that something grow heavier and heavier ( she looks at him asif he was some kind of hero. she looks at him like he was a hero. )     but then the silence cultivated between them breaks and she’s managed to leavehim open – mouthed yet again, has left him at a complete loss of words. becauseof course that was okay. of course it was, of course she was —— and like that,she’s overflowed him. his body shifts and his hands take hers and he’strembling / she’s trembling but he finds the courage to keep his eyes on hers.( as if they could look anywhere else? )

( he doesn’t | @lightnull )

     HER VOICE WAS SOFT BUT COMMANDING. the sort of voice he’d expect from a kind queen in a storybook–––– someone who had the power of a thousand worlds and yet chose to be kind and soft and GENTLE instead of destructive. he admired her for it more than he could begin to admit.

     he waited patiently for her to continue, his attention completely on her from where he sat. somehow, he hadn’t been EXPECTING anything, but the question still caught him off guard.

     to his surprise, the first thing to cross his mind was that he considered LYING. telling her he did. that he had his memories and could move on. but, that plan quickly became nothing more than a past thought. lying wasn’t something he enjoyed, it wasn’t a way he wanted to begin his new friendships.

     and his words wouldn’t stop her from knowing the TRUTH.

     instead, he spent a few seconds in silence, constructing his answer carefully. his STILLNESS went so far as to unsettle himself. he had already grown used to hearing his own voice since waking up–––– moving his own limbs at every moment of the day–––– to suddenly be silent and still felt odd.

     luckily, it didn’t LAST long.

     ❝ no. ❞

     a short, but honest answer. he knew there was still much he was missing. he still had only snippets of memory of his time as master xehanort’s apprentice. a time filled with darkness, fear and pain. they were memories he didn’t want. and yet, even further back than that there was something. something WARMER. something that he had been sure was a dream until a visitor had come to tell him otherwise.

     but did he WANT them?

     ❝ but, that’s okay. i don’t want them. not now. ❞

     his head turned back to naminé, a smile on his face. not one that was completely sure this was the RIGHT choice. but, one that was there because he had made a choice at all. 

     ❝ i think i have all the memories i need right now. i’m not ready to face what happened yet.  ❞

     his smile softened, and he relaxed. the WEIGHT was no longer resting on his shoulders. when he wanted to lift it again, it would be there. but for right then, he’d managed to put it down.

                                                 IT FOLLOWS IN HER FOOT STEPS LIKE A SHADOW.

       that terrible thing . it breathes as she does , moves as she does , it was like dead skin fallen off just to be built into a corpse of her own image . it weighed her down into the earth --- sinking . slowly . but there were little things , small voices , they whispered to her reasons to resist the temptation of returning to what was now comfortable . to continue to take step after dreaded step through this ocean of light until all the things that kept her company in the darkness had rid themselves of her so that she could once again be free . it was difficult , she struggled often . fighting between avoiding the dark entirely or staying in her room void of light for days in her darkest hours . was she that terrible thing?  

                                                                 ( no , you’re stronger than that . )

       it was the little voice again . it spoke to her.......encouraging her to continue . she was stronger than she thought , her survival had proved it ! though the road to recovery was laid thick with glass and pitfalls she would walk it nonetheless . that little voice was enough to pull her from whatever delusions had taken her mind and body hostage ; to pull her back to reality . she blinked awake as though she’d been put to sleep by some witches spell . she turned her head to the sound of the voice , seeing namine for the first time despite however long she’d been so close . she always seemed to know what to say when people needed to hear it most . the master put her hand on the young girls shoulder and smiled because , well , she was grateful for it . soon she bid her farewell again , walking with newfound vigor towards the days tasks .

shot thru the heart.  /  accepting.  /  @lightnull

It’s Xion’s fault.  It always is.  Stupid, selfish girl, feeling the wrong things and wanting the wrong things and sick with anger and hurt and resentment towards herself / the world / the friends who forgot / the friends who asked her to die / demanded she die / insisted that her death was the only happy ending.  They were right but they killed her and she died slow in her best friend’s arms / slow in a stranger’s heart and it hurts and she hurts and she is angry.  And doesn’t she have a right to that?  (  no.  )

Naminé had said something in that effortlessly cruel way of hers and the nightmares were clinging last night, scraping flesh from bone, and Xion has snapped and regretted it the moment she had.  Naminé’s eyes had widened, just a little, surprised not by her anger but that it escaped, and Xion had felt the part of broken doll; behaving outside of programming.  Xion loves Naminé and accepts that she killed her with love in her chest, and she does not breathe her quiet resentment (  not at naminé but at a world that demanded her death before it demanded her love  ) lest she drive her away.

“Fine.”  There’s no resentment to the waif.  Tone is almost kind.  “You’ll never see me again, okay?”

And Xion is doing it now; driving her away.  She swallows bile and seawater and memories, throat tight and aching, eyes wide.  Her voice catches, syllables drowned by the panic steadily rising as Naminé turns from her and she wants to say I’M SORRY and PLEASE DON’T LEAVE and I AM BAD BUT I AM TRYING but she can’t.

Her hand shoots out and grasps the other’s slimmer wrist; Naminé turns to look at her with those dark and endless eyes and Xion draws her hand back like she’s been scalded.  She manages to choke out, finally, “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry, Xion,” Naminé replies.  IT’S OKAY TO BLAME ME, she said once, and Xion hadn’t understood.

“But I am.”  She feels her throat constricting the way it always does before she cries.  “I’m really sorry.  So please don’t ——”

They watch each other in silence; Xion’s chest churns.

“I’m sorry,” Xion says again.  She is.  She is so, so sorry that she cannot be bright and good and loving the way she wants to be / should be.  The way Naminé deserves.  She is sorry, too, that she cannot breathe a word of her hurt without driving others away, because some part of her knows that it isn’t fair / knows that knowing that doesn’t matter.  She would endure silence before abandonment; terrified to lose these bonds again.  “I’m sorry that it hurts and sometimes I can’t stop it from hurting other people.  I’m trying.  I’m trying — so hard.  So please don’t go.”

Her voice cracks; she is perilously close to crying.

studio ghibli //  @lightnull  //  closed

      IT’S  A  STRANGELY  DREARY  DAY  for  destiny  islands  she  thinks ,  the  normally  clear  blue  sky  being  covered  in  a  thick  blanket  of  gray  storm  clouds .  there’s  no  storm  however  at  this  moment ,  just  a  light  pattering  of  rain  kairi  can  hear  against  the  roof  of  the  beach  house  as  well  as  the  large  window  facing  her .  

      THIS  ROOM  THEY’RE  IN  doesn’t  have  a  lot  of  lighting  despite  what  it  usually  takes  from  the  sunlight  shining  through  the  array  of  large  windows  across  the  wall .  kairi  thinks  it  would  have  been  bothersome  on  the  island’s  usually  sunny  days  having  so  much  light  pouring  in  at  once  had  this  room  stayed  as  a  bedroom .  however  it  works  extraordinarily  well  as  an  art  studio ,  all  that  natural  light  to  illuminate  the  room .  kairi’s  no  artist  but  she  at  least  thinks  natural  light  is  supposed  to  be  helpful .  though  it’s  significantly  less  so  in  the  evening  &  for  dark  days  such  as  this .  it’s  alright  though .  that’s  what  lamps  are  for .

      SOME  TIME  BEFORE  KAIRI  HAD  DECIDED  to  join  namine  in  the  studio  she’d  brought  in  one  of  her  tall  floor  lamps  from  her  bedroom  into  the  room .  it  won’t  do  a  lot  in  terms  of  lighting  but  it’s  better  than  having  the  whole  room  be  dark .  the  light  pink  of  the  lamp  compliments  the  lavender  hues  of  the  room  surprisingly  well .  the  room  hadn’t  always  been  purple  however .  no  originally  the  room  had  been  a  stark  white ,  making  it  the  only  white  room  in  the  house .  kairi  assumes  this  is  because  her  family  rarely  have  guests  to  use  this  room  hence  no  need  to  paint  it . 

      IT  LOOKED  FINE  when  all  the  bedroom  furniture  was  there  —  it  didn’t  feel  so  blindingly  white .  however  when  the  furniture  was  moved  out  &  all  that  was  left  was  the  stark  white  walls ,  an  easel  &  some  canvases  the  pure  white  most  certainly  stood  out .  kairi  found  the  lack  of  color  unsettling  &  she  thinks  namine  did  more  so  though  she  didn’t  say  anything  (  she  didn’t  need  to  say  anything  really .  kairi  could  tell  just  by  the  way  she  her  eyes  looked  when  she  looked  at  the  room ,  the  way  she  instantly  drooped  her  shoulders  a  bit  whenever  she  entered  the  room .  it  was  clear  as  day  to  her  though  she  wonders  if  this  again  has  something  to  do  with  the  connection  they  have  ) .  therefore  when  they  had  time  they  had  the  room  repainted ,  just  the  two  of  them .  namine  had  chosen  the  color  —  kairi  thinks  it  suits  the  room  wonderfully .

      NAMINE’S  NOT  PAINTING  TODAY  THOUGH .  no  today  they’re  just  sitting  together  on  the  floor  of  the  studio .  kairi’s  got  a  deck  of  cards  out  &  is  teaching  namine  various  island  card  games .  she’s  having  fun  &  she  hopes  namine  is  too .  despite  their  connection  kairi  sometimes  finds  it  difficult  to  tell  —  namine  has  a  knack  for  hiding  her  own  troubles  on  her  face ,  something  they  share  in  common .  

      THEY’VE  BEEN  PLAYING  for  the  better  half  of  three  hours  when  she  hears  a  sudden  pounding  of  footsteps  by  the  door  followed  by  a  single  loud  bark  of  a  dog .  kairi  finds  herself  smiling  in  amusement  as  she  rises  to  open  the  door  where  sure  enough  her  little  white  dog  yuki  sits  at  the  door  expectantly  before  bounding  forward  into  the  room ,  throwing  himself  at  the  seated  namine  &  licking  her  hands .  kairi’s  smile  widens  as  she  returns  to  her  seat  on  the  floor ,  simply  happy  that  they  can  have  more  company .

      HOWEVER  SHE’S  SIGNIFICANTLY  LESS  HAPPY  when  yuki  starts  to  misbehave  among  them ,  stealing  cards  &  eventually  nudging  his  head  continuously  against  kairi’s  back .  somehow  the  dog  had  managed  to  find  the  exact  spot  on  her  back  where  her  scar  lie .  it’s  not  a  particularly  tender  spot  pain  wise  but  after  several  minutes  of  his  nudging  kairi  begins  to  feel  a  throbbing  pain  there  hadn’t  been  previously .  at  some  point  she  decides  she’s  had  enough  &  picks  up  the  pooch  &  places  him  outside  the  door  before  closing  it .  he’ll  have  to  learn  to  behave  if  he  wants  access  to  the  room .

      WHEN  SHE  RETURNS  TO  THE  FLOOR  kairi  notices  namine  looking  at  her  in  what  she  assumes  is  mixed  curiosity  &  concern .  kairi  merely  gestures  to  her  back  before  saying ,  ❛    i ,  uh  …  my  back  is  kinda  sensitive  there  from  where  he  struck  me .    ❜  kairi  refrains  from  uttering  his  name ,  her  murderers  name .  it  feels  weird  enough  to  even  talk  about  what  happened  that  day .  she  prefers  not  to  unless  she  can  avoid  it .  

      NAMINE’S  EXPRESSION  BECOMES  SLIGHTLY  more  grim  after  she  speaks  &  it’s  paired  with  an  awkward  silence  between  the  two  of  them  for  a  while .  usually  kairi  doesn’t  mind  silence  between  them ,  finds  it  comfortable  even  but  this  feels  uncomfortably  tense .  after  several  minutes  namine  speaks ,  looking  over  at  kairi  with  a  soft  expression .  “    i’m  sorry  for  what  happened  to  you  that  day .  i  didn’t  want  them  to  kill  you .    ”

      KAIRI  FEELS  HER  CHEST  TIGHTEN  at  the  words  spoken ,  feels  her  eyes  grow  suddenly  misty  as  she  lifts  her  head  to  look  at  her  other  half .  she’s  never  really  spoken  about  what  happened  to  her  —  not  really .  people  have  tried  but  nobody  has  ever  succeeded  in  breaking  through  the  walls  that  keep  kairi’s  heart  locked  up .  kairi  prefers  to  keep  it  that  way .  she’s  not  ready  to  talk  about  what  happened  to  her ,  she  doesn’t  know  if  she’ll  ever  be .