#lifechangesforthebetter

I have been looking forward to this day for so long. I love Valentines Day. Granted, I've always been single on the day but that just means I get to love myself. I have been so excited for months that BEFORE Christmas even passed I was buying Valentines socks with hearts on them. Don't doubt that I am wearing them today because I am. I almost couldn't wait for this day to come and now that its here, why am I so grumpy?

It's really quite simple if you account for the fifty million logical reasons.

A year ago to the date, I spent nearly the whole day with Bearded Guy and people who were once my friends. I was expecting more than anything that Bearded Guy would ask me out on Valentines Day but I was okay with him not. I also had to start to packing because I was moving in just a few days. So a box of cookies, a rose, and boxes were how I spent my night. But it was okay because I was so in love with myself and my life. Amidst the craziness, I was happy and excited about where my life was headed.

Even though Bearded Guy didn't ask me out on Valentines Day, and even though I was okay with that and still just so happy that I was able to spend most of my day at school with him. That doesn't take away the pain I feel now. I've done what I can to reach out to him so that maybe I can see him once again, but he hasn't reached back. I get it. It wasn't meant to be. At least now I can move on knowing I did what I could and I won't have to live in regret. That doesn't take away the heartache of how something I almost had a year ago is potentially gone from my life forever.

I had a midterm today. I was late. The stuck up middle-aged old guy who sits in the front gave me the death stare. SORRY I WANTED TO WASH MY HAIR THIS MORNING. It's life dude. Don't sit in the front row all cocky that you finished all the multiple choice before I got there even though I was only five minutes late. I hope you sit sad and lonely today and every Valentines Day to come.

Along with the heartache of Bearded Guy, it was also a year ago that I HAD to move out of my parents house because they are selfish and didn't want me in their house even though they thought it was financially sound for me to live at home until I finished college. There was pain in my heart that my parents could feel so negatively about me in so many ways. But there was still excitement for what was to come. I was days away from FREEDOM!

Two of my friends who I have cared deeply for hurt me terribly this weekend. One of them is having a single's party tonight and they will both be there. I was invited and they never told me I was uninvited, but after what they did, I know it wont be emotionally safe for me. It has also come to the point that I need to apologize for things I did and be honest about how I've felt. It means I have to be completely vulnerable and that's not easy for the girl who has always had to fend for herself.

A year ago today I got my rejection letter from California State University Long Beach. That was the only school I wanted to transfer to. Period. I thought it was what God wanted for me. I thought I heard Him promise it to me. After I got the letter I thought, "How can He promise something to me and not deliver? Does He even promise me anything? Where is He?" It took me a long time to realize that I would have gotten in and went there if I didn't choose the other path that I actually took. Ultimately, I went through so much pain since then, but I am in such a better place. God has showed me so many more BEAUTIFUL things He is going to do with my life.