#lgbqa

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So for those of you who don’t know, dysphoria is basically something that happens to most people who don’t identify as what their sex is.  It’s when your body doesn’t match how you’re feeling and you feel gross and fake (at least for me, it’s different for everyone).  For example, a trans guy might experience dysphoria because he has a visible bump underneath his shirt, or if he’s forced to wear clothes that don’t match what he’s feeling because of one reason or another.  Now that we have that out of the way, let’s proceed to the rant.

Dysphoria can come in many forms.  There are also ways to cope with it, but sometimes it’s just not enough.  Dysphoria is always hard, but it’s kinda weird for me.  Since my gender is fluid my dysphoria also changes if that makes any sense.  When I’m a guy I feel too feminine, but when I’m a girl I feel too masculine.  Then there are some days where I’m in the middle, and it’s almost like I can feel people trying to guess my gender.  I’m not trying to say dysphoria is worse for gender fluid people, I guess I’m just trying to say that it’s different.  

I personally also get dysphoria from the way I act.  Some of my personality traits change when my gender does.  I mean, I’m still me, just some things are a little different.  Like, when I’m a guy I’m more aggressive and emotionally stoic, and when I’m a girl I’m much more flirty and submissive.  So when it’s a guy day and I do something in a girly way, it always feels like someone stabbed me in the gut.  Just simple things like the way I sit, or how I talk, and even just how excited I get over something can make my anxiety shoot up like a rocket.  

The most widely know form of dysphoria is physical dysphoria.  There are ways to cope with this, but depending on the situation it can be very difficult to use those methods.  It’s especially hard if you’re in the closet or an unsupportive area.  Ways to cope with physical dysphoria can be things like wearing a binder, or putting on a dress, or doing your hair in a more “girly” hairstyle.  Even though it seems the most trivial, it’s one that is the hardest for me.  Since I’m not out, it’s next to impossible to wear the clothes that I really want.  First impressions are also incredibly important.  If I present as a girl when I first meet someone, they’ll automatically assume I’m always a girl, and vice versa.  For this reason I try to dress as neutrally as possible, but because there are people who knew me when I thought I was cis, they introduce me to new people as though I were cis, not giving me the chance to even try to keep my gender identity on the low down.

Alright this probably has terrible grammar, spelling, and makes no coherent sense, but this has been a really big problem for me lately so I needed to get it off my chest.