#letterstotora

Today, i'm pretty sure that i was breathing in air.

So, where are you?

I don’t think Nic really loved you. She just used used you to get friends and attention.

I guess it was meant to happen-- there was never any room for anyone else in me. I guess she was supposed to punch some holes onto me in order for someone to come along and fit me perfectly.

It's like even when she had everything, even when she said she's happy and contented with life- i would always catch her looking at the sky as if she wanted to go back home

It's not like I want to die- there's no fun in that...but it's not like i want to live either because it hasn't been fun too. If there  is common ground for both life and death i'm probably just waiting there

I've been lying to myself for so long that hearing myself talk like that became foreign to me.

I blink– She was slowly breaking my heart as her tears began to form in the corners of her eyes. Her cheeks were turning red again. She was biting her lip trying to be strong- but gave into it anyway. “This is yours, i gave it to you.” She cried, handing the red scarf to me. I stood still, looking away. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t look at her- i was afraid to show her that i couldn’t make it without her. Because if she saw, she would run back to me, and the painful cycle will happen again. “You can give back anything but this one.” She was crying so hard, that she started choking on her own words. “This makes you, you— you can’t give this back.” I finally had the courage to look at her. The face i’ve been waking up to for months, the face i’ve been adoring before i go to sleep–How beautiful, i thought. How beautiful she is, from the first day i saw her and till the very end. There I was staring into paradise, finally bidding farewell. i gently held her face- feeling its warmth through my cold fingers. How precious she was i thought. This may be the last time i can hold her like this. I delved into her dark eyes, marking her on my soul. I don’t want to forget, if it’s pain i’ll forever feel at the price of keeping this memory of her i will gladly condemn myself to it. “That’s why i’m giving it to you- it is a part of me that you’ll always have and i want you to keep it.” I said as i patted her head lightly. That was the level of comfort i could permit myself to give. She walked closer to me and she softly laid her forehead on my chest- sobbing quietly. How my soul screamed- how i hated myself- to let go of the one i loved like this. My hand couldn’t help but embrace her. I blink– And you had the brightest smile on your face. “Surprise! Do you like it?” A bright red scarf just like how i always drew it on my journal. It was neatly wrapped around my neck. “What do you mean like it?- i love it! This is the best gift ever!” I lunged towards her giving her the biggest hug. “It’s time the hero gets a real scarf!“ She pressed her lips on my cheek, giving me a kiss. Oh how i wished you could smile like that again. Oh how i wished only the best things for you. How i wished i’d be the one who’d stay by your side till the very end. I blink– I was breaking your heart and i could no longer stay. “I’m not the same person. I lost a part of me i may never find again. I no longer deserve that scarf.”