#lettersineversend

The past creeps in. Slowly crawling up to me. Consuming my being. Every edge, every angle, every side.It fills me up. Letting me stand still in a filled up box, slowly drowning. Taking every bubble of my air. Letting me gasp for more. Exhausted. Tired. Terrified on what this evil past would do next. The past comes, sometimes it goes but when it’s back everything drags down to zero. One touch of it, everything instantly crumbles. Like a tower made of sticks, no matter how far I would reach when the past comes again, all at once I fall. It has been years already but it keeps creeping in.

I’m tired, exhausted, terrified. 

When will this end. When will I end. Where can I run. Where can I go.

This is me crying in the dead end. 

Perhaps, the past is my shadow -it can never go away from me.

First, I wanted to say congratulations on graduating from college! I hope you are proud of yourself, and I wish I could celebrate with you! 

And second, I thought I'd reiterate that I hope you can continue to forgive me for any pain that the memory of our past relationship may bring you.  I worry about that sometimes, and I struggle with forgiving myself despite all this time. I've made progress, but there are still moments where I feel guilty and think that maybe I could have done somethings different over the process of everything.

But I've come to realize that I truly gave our relationship everything I had, and I tried my best. And the failure of our relationship does not define me, or how I love. I have no regrets whatsoever, and am grateful for the whole experience. 

Your reasons for ending things were all your own, and I do not hate you for it. I was in denial for some time, and then I was angry, but I hope you know that I forgive you, that I wish you happiness, and that I would like to see us stay friends if you too desire a friendship with me. I have faith that our past relationship doesn't have to stay something we are ashamed of. 

And besides we're "mature, and educated adults" now. B)