#lettersfromj

there will be people who will arrive in your life at the worst time to shatter your hope and lower your self worth

there will be those who have never left your life who you wish would. there will be those who have left your life so long ago it feels like yesterday and five years.

noone knows anything ever

hand over hand

in the firmest handshake

"I hereby declare these two kingdoms unified once more"

hand on hand

in the finest linin

we consecrate a marriage

the only one we could ever have had

the maids know to keep their mouths shut

the mattress will never know their lesson

hand in hand

I whisper an "I love you", so softly that the wind could never snatch it away

although I wish I could shout it from the rooftops

and yet

you hear

and whisper one back

so low it could never reach the church's high steeple

and be proclaimed at the masses to the masses

and yet

sometimes I think about how I used to hate the trans flag

it's an odd one, that hate. at the time it was mainly because I wanted to pass, be seen as cis, and not have anyone ask anything

I swore to myself college would be different, and that there noone would know I was trans.

thank fuck I didn't. thank hell I went to that pride event, met this and that person, was honest about what was going on, mentioned binding to this person, laughed about queer complexity with friends I would never have met otherwise, was open about my identity at every goddamn hands turn.

if you see this and you hate the flag, I get it. I really really do. I hope someday you love it too. It's gaudy and different and beautiful and hopeful.

also, we are everywhere. we are everywhere and people know about us and support us. the most unlikely places and most unassuming people will turn around and say they know someone who is trans too

you're in your town, in your room, completely alone

maybe the house is empty and maybe you're still quiet anyway, terrified of someone seeing you

they think this came from nowhere and you know better

as you undo packages and slip the thing over you

you feel something in you start to sing

no sooner is it on then you have to take it off

but that soaring feeling is worth the four and a half hours worth of work it cost

you're in a street

bag in hand and headphones on trying to ignore the glares

when you hear the jarring tones of a child

high pitched, asking "mammy is that a boy or a girl"

and she doesn't know, and you don't really know either

all you know is you want out, out of this line, out of this body

out of this tiny town and it's tiny mindset

the mind boggles with wonder at how people could be this ignorant

you're in class

you're trying to focus

you're trying to be objective

but come on, how could you ever read

these two men who spent every waking moment together, who talked about each others bodies

as just good friends

and never wonder more

instead you lie sobbing as they have always been here

we have always been here

you're in a shop

and your mother calls

and you've just had sex with a man who likes men

yet still she calls you daughter

and as you try to protest that you're still normal you stay there half an hour trying to convince her

only to be utterly useless and walk out

broke and broken

you're on a path

walking back to your flat after yet another fight

you see your soul smoking on the ground and you break down

your friends lift you out and up that flight of stairs

it will be okay, you swear as you sob into the same old sheets

it never changes here, does it

these old piles just gather dust

those new podcasts reaffirm those old beliefs

unthinking cruelty voiced on purpose

you know I'm no fool yet you fall for it all

it never changes here, does it

the irony is almost laughable

you think that didn't happen to me too

you think you're infallible

you pretend you don't for validation

you think you're no fool, yet you fall for it all

it never changes here, does it

I always regret coming back

go home and feel bad calling there home

it wasn't that bad, I'm exaggerating

pretend its okay to try and escape

as I sit deadly still

I hear the voices in the hall get louder

and louder as they go down it

until suddenly there's a shouting match in the kitchen

I could go, could try to stop the verbal carnage of the usual saturday squabble

be present for the slamming door and shattering glass

i would like to go with the imprint of your head leaning on my shoulder

the sound of your laugh filling my eardrums and blocking the impact

the shatter of everything falling as you sigh and make some remark that they really picked their timing, you just mopped the floor-

that would be the blueprint, my dear sweet friend, for the rest of our short short lives

I want to undo you.

I seriously do.

But every waking moment, you creep back into my mind and i feel giddy. My heart keeps skipping at the mere thought of you.

I count the days until I see you again. I can't contain my anticipation yet the better part of me is filled with fear. 

I'm afraid to be in one place with you; to be next to you, to stand so close to you.

I might just let it out. My heart might not stay still.

You might just find out.

That it's you I think of when I rise. And it's you I dream of when I sleep.

That I wish... oh, how I wish...

That I could just be yours.

Instead of his.