#letter22

August 1st, 2019. 9:52pm.

hey there,

I haven’t forgotten you, I promise.

I just don’t know what to say anymore. One sided conversations never hold up, and I suppose that’s your fault this time around. Because you’re gone. You’re gone so you can’t hold a conversation with me. Thats infuriating.

You know what’s more infuriating? Talking a friend out of suicide. And it’s only infuriating because I’m doing it selfishly. I’m doing it so hopefully they decide to live, because I don’t want to go through all of this again. I don’t wanna feel those would open up again, I don’t want them to be fresh. 

What’s even more infuriating is that even though I’ve taken millions of videos and photos of you, (and I know I did.) I can’t fucking find them. 

And its infuriating that the few videos I can find, you didn’t fucking talk.

One sided conversations. 

They’re infuriating because I can’t remember your voice. So maybe I have forgotten you. Maybe I’ve forgotten the small details. Your voice, your smell, your laugh. 

You know what I haven’t forgotten though?

Your hugs.

God I miss your hugs. And how you’d smirk at me, as I held my one sided conversations. 

Even though, of course, they were infuriating.

I don’t know what to say to you anymore, Christian. So, I’ll stop by and talk when I can think of what to say, without screaming at you. Without crying. 

I’ll stop by to talk when I can remember your voice again, and fake that you’re talking back to me.

LETTER 22 is a story of the positivity that underscores all movement towards progress and enlightenment, no matter how many obstacles stand in the way. It is the story of a pure force of will, hidden somewhere out there, that is dedicated to revealing evolutionary truths to this universe in a systematic way. It is the story of a visitor from another place, charged with delivering an enigmatic message; a wandering guardian, protecting a civilization that rejects the sun; and a being watching over it all, orchestrating its rhythms.

I love you when you're happy. I'll love you when you're angry. I love you when you hate yourself. I love you when I'm angry with you. But I think I love you most when you're asleep and I can hear your breathing. I've said this before, but I cannot express how it makes me feel after you've gone to bed and I lay here awake. Thinking of you, missing you, my heart is full just listening to the sounds you make. It might be what I look forward to most when we're finally together. Laying in your arms, having you next to me as we both drift off into slumber. I will feel the most secure, the most at home. 

Dear Tori,

I remember the very first video I watched of yours.  It was your Inspirational Medley that my friend had posted on tumblr back in 2011.  I could not have been more grateful for that girl who indirectly introduced me to you! I instantly fell in love with voice, just as most fans have. Little did I know that you would mean so much more to me than the other hundreds of youtube videos I had seen over the years.

I remember watching one (out of the two I’ve seen) of your stageit performances during my finals week thinking, “screw it, I’m watching Tori Kelly sing online, finals can wait!” I think you were a valid reason for procrastination! After I had watched you sing live on my computer screen, I knew I had to see you live in person.  School must’ve rattled my brain because the time between seeing my very first video of yours and the first time I saw you in SF was all a blur!

When I first found out you were having a show in SF for your Fill a Heart Tour, I was so excited! Finally, a show in the Bay Area! You’re awesome but as a San Jose State student…a show on a school night?! C’mon girl! Haha but it didn’t matter, I was determined to see you that Monday, November 8th, 2012 in SF at Café Du Nord, despite having a test the next day. I swear, from that day on until your show, I put your music on repeat because I couldn’t go to your show and not sing along, am I right?! On the day of your show, I remember not being able to focus in class because I was too excited to see you. I even made my best friend, Austin, put on his excited face, as did I, in the top left picture! I remember spending the afternoon in the city before your show with Austin, who I convinced to come with me because I told him he HAD to see you perform, despite him knowing nothing about you. I remember waiting outside of the venue in the cold a couple hours before the doors opened. I remember us grabbing seats in the third row, which was literally 10 feet away from you on the stage. When you walked out, I couldn’t believe I was this close to you, minutes away from hearing what I know will be the most amazing performance. I remember my mouth being open for 80% of your show. No guarantees that there wasn’t any drool dripping down my chin! I remember smiling like an idiot for the other 20% in the case my mouth was somewhat closed. I remember making faces at the Andrew Rose, every time his camera pointed my way (which paid off because I made it into your Fill a Heart Tour PT. 1 video, which is the top right picture). I remember screaming, “Your hair is so much bigger in person!” Your show was amazing, and I could’ve sat there and listened to you sing all night. I remember waiting after your show for an hour to see if you would come out and take some pictures with your fans, but you rushed out so quickly and I was super bummed. I remember when you got into your taxi, sitting there waiting for your mom while chatting with the crowd of fans and pointing cameras, and my friend told me to run up to your window so he could take a picture. That didn’t happen! I was way too passive and as your taxi drove away, I extremely regretted the things I could’ve done and didn’t do. All I could think was I blew it! The one time you were in bay, and I blew it. Regardless of how things ended, I still couldn’t believe I got to see my favorite singer perform.

Just when I thought my live show experience has passed, it was only beginning. (QUICK SIDE NOTE: I’ve been told that I’m a really bad story teller and go into unnecessary detail, so I apologize in advance). I remember you mentioning about adding a couple shows in the summer. I was planning a road trip from the Bay to SoCal for Disneyland at the time, and was waiting until you revealed if you would have any shows in your area. I remember being at work when you tweeted a schedule of a few upcoming shows for your small summer tour, and I was so sad when I realized I would be working during the week of your show in LA. It wasn’t until I got off work where I realized I read the dates wrong, and I would be able to make your show! I’m pretty sure the entire way home, I was smiling, yelling, and cheering BY MYSELF, and I didn’t care one bit. I jumped on those ticket sales and in the matter of minutes, I solidified my road trip to LA from July 15th to July 19th, 2013.  Fast forward to the day of your show in LA on Thursday, July 18th, 2013, at the Troubadour; I woke up smiling in my hotel bed that morning.  I made it a priority that my friends and I be at your show super early with the hopes of getting a picture with you when you entered the venue. I dragged my two best friends, one being Austin again, six hours before the show started. To my surprise, I wasn’t even the first person lined up! There were five others waiting for the same reason I was. It was there where I got to converse with people who shared my same appreciation for you as an artist and a person. Only other Tori Kelly fans can understand why I like you so much! That show turned out to be the absolute greatest experience I’ve ever, well, experienced! Not only was I getting to see you live TWICE in the span of four months, but I got to be in the front row! I’ll admit, I totally squeezed my way to the front, but I told myself I wouldn’t make the same mistake as last time and be timid. With that being said, I grew a pair, and met up with the others I made fast friends with before the show, and even left my two best friends behind, who were the ones that told me to go to the front. Also, if it weren’t for the random girl, Julianne, who I sold my extra ticket to through twitter, I never would’ve been bold enough to do a lot of things that night, like make my way to the front. I’ve never had more fun with a complete stranger, so I definitely thank her for that! Although I was elbowed a couple of times, and yelled at once, I made it front and center, right in front of where you would be singing! I needed someone to punch me in the face to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, because boy I was on cloud nine.  When you came out and started performing, with a live band as the cherry on top, I was in awe. I couldn’t believe how close I was! I could’ve literally reached over the stage and high fived your leg. I tried to keep my mouth closed this time! The show was beyond amazing, definitely top 5 most exciting moments of my life, for so many different reasons: I made friends with other fans, I actually captured clear photos of you performing (middle left picture…hashtag no filter hashtag BOOYAH), I snatched one of your guitar picks, I got pictures with AJ and Billy aka Mr. Indiana Jones who I saw at Disneyland too, I had an long, awesome conversation with Andrew Rose who is amazing by the way, and I finally got to take a picture with you! I was finally able to cross that off my bucket list. I walked out of the Troubadour with my arms up in accomplishment. What a night it had been!

Since then, I’ve submitted my own #DearNoOneLyrics picture (on the bottom left) and made it into the lyric video as Letter #22, which was so cool! Coincidence that I could be letter #22 now? I THINK NOT (: Literally, I took that picture when I should’ve been doing homework, but remember that Tori Kelly is a valid reason for procrastinating! I had no idea what kind of picture to take, or even what line of lyrics to use. Ever since the original Dear No One song came out, I loved the line “Got that young love even when we’re old” so I ideally wanted to use that one. After multiple brain farts, it finally clicked; my thought process played out like so: Got that young love even when we’re old…hey my parents are pretty old, perfect! And boom. I got my picture! My parents are amazing and they know how much I admire you, so they were very good sports. Random side note about my parents: during the live stream of your show at the Troubadour, I sent my parents and brother the link telling them to watch since I was in the front row. The camera was super close to my face a handful of times throughout the night, yet my parents said they didn’t see me, even when my brother did. It wasn’t until I came home from my road trip and told them all about the show, where we both realized they were watching the wrong show…they spent over an hour watching an old live show of yours. FACE PALM. This is why they were perfect, old parents for my lyric picture!

Currently, I’ve already purchased my tickets for your upcoming SF show at the Great American Music Hall on November 3rd, 2013. Three shows in less than a year? I must be blessed! I was really hoping there would be a meet and greet! And as much as I’m hoping to have tea with you, I know my chances are slim like the last two times. I just think it’d be so cool to just sit down and chill with you. You seem like such a down to earth girl, someone that would be so fun to hang out with, and if I got the chance to have tea with you, I’d be so grateful! It’s not just your music that makes you amazing, it’s your personality too, and that’s what makes you an amazing artist. But I’d be just as grateful just see you sing live in the Bay again! If I could, I would fly to Atlanta, Texas, and San Diego just to take my friends (who go to school there) to one of your shows.

One thing that I’ve really learned these past six months is how awesome your fan base really is. I’ve met and talk to a good amount of strangers through twitter or standing in line at your shows, with only one commonality – you! It’s nice to be able to have a group of people who understand me in that sense, when my own friends can’t understand. My friends make this feel like an obsession whereas other fans make this feel like an appreciation, and I’m thankful for that (Bottom right picture, with six new friends I made that night in LA at the Troubadour). Also thank you letterstotorikelly tumblr for this opportunity! I rarely use tumblr, but I made an exception when I found out about this. You’re doing a great job with this site! (:

There aren’t enough words in the world to describe how much I appreciate you as a musical artist and a person…even though I wrote a LOT of words! I could literally go on and on and tell the other ways in which you’ve influenced me. Never have I had admired any kind of musical artist so much. You really are, hands down, my favorite singer. I even went to a Beyonce concert in early July, and I was still more excited to see you in LA. Thank you for sharing your beautiful voice and music with the world <3 It may seem surreal to you, but I hope you know that the little things you do can make people’s day. The day you followed me on twitter, it was literally like I didn’t care what happened the rest of the day, I was ecstatic! I didn’t even know why you followed me, but I didn’t care! It’s these tiny gestures like tweets that is something so little but means so much, and it’d be cool to know if you ever read this! I’m excited to see what’s in store for you, and I hope for the best! I know you’ll be so big, but I hope you still continue to have small, intimate shows for your loyal fans like me! You are an extremely talented, humble, and beautiful girl who’s so amazing, yet so normal. Thank you for the music and the memories (:

  Love your biggest Bay Area fan,

Keila (@keilamahaha)

Oi! Ba't wala ka kanina? Ang saya kaya! Di bale, naghanap muna ko ng kapalit mo. Whahaha! JOKE. Syempre ikaw padin. Ikaw lang naman talaga eh. :""> PWE! =)))))))))) Night!