#lettertocsr

August 1st, 2019. 9:52pm.

hey there,

I haven’t forgotten you, I promise.

I just don’t know what to say anymore. One sided conversations never hold up, and I suppose that’s your fault this time around. Because you’re gone. You’re gone so you can’t hold a conversation with me. Thats infuriating.

You know what’s more infuriating? Talking a friend out of suicide. And it’s only infuriating because I’m doing it selfishly. I’m doing it so hopefully they decide to live, because I don’t want to go through all of this again. I don’t wanna feel those would open up again, I don’t want them to be fresh. 

What’s even more infuriating is that even though I’ve taken millions of videos and photos of you, (and I know I did.) I can’t fucking find them. 

And its infuriating that the few videos I can find, you didn’t fucking talk.

One sided conversations. 

They’re infuriating because I can’t remember your voice. So maybe I have forgotten you. Maybe I’ve forgotten the small details. Your voice, your smell, your laugh. 

You know what I haven’t forgotten though?

Your hugs.

God I miss your hugs. And how you’d smirk at me, as I held my one sided conversations. 

Even though, of course, they were infuriating.

I don’t know what to say to you anymore, Christian. So, I’ll stop by and talk when I can think of what to say, without screaming at you. Without crying. 

I’ll stop by to talk when I can remember your voice again, and fake that you’re talking back to me.