It's another day and I'm hoping for a miracle to happen, a star to fall in my lap, a love for a lifetime, something that begins my dream career, my friends to be happy, peace in my sister's heart.
I am anxious today. Waiting is no fun game but they say patience is a virtue and I was wondering how long, how long until this happens? How long until my wishes come true? How long until I lose hope? How long because I've been dreaming about it since a decade and the days pass by and I wish hard and work harder than before.
How long I ask the sky, the trees, the stars. How long I ask my veins, the blood flowing through my heart. Mostly, I ask the universe because I know its worth the wait but I'm so so so tired and it feels like I'm already late. How long? I ask again....
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From our last conversation, it's safe to say that you grew up in the wizarding world. So, can I ask you a question that's probably slightly embarassing coming from a fellow eighth year?
I don't like to ask questions much, but at least you don't know who I am to mock me. And I don't like you much, no offense, so I don't particulalry care if you think it's stupid.
Dated 2016: I don't even know why I'm writing this. There's no one left is there. I'm okay though. I am still being tracked but I'm okay. I think I found someone to love. Yeah, me of all people. She's much nicer than before. I think I love her very much. I hope she loves me to. I'm scared to ask her. You'd love her and I think she'd love you. She still doesn't believe you're a dragon though yet accepts my powers. Eh. Baby steps. I miss you. I hope you're okay.. somewhere safe.
Yes, there is, Andrew, I’m right here.
Someone to love? The words echoed into him and something crumbled so honest and humbling. A small smile of relief, as that were all that he wanted, cracked across his features. That was the best news that Andrew could have possibly given him. He just wanted his son to be happy.
But I have one want which I have never yet been able to satisfy; and the absence of the object which I now feel as a most severe evil.I have no friend, Margaret: when I am glowing with the enthusiasm of success, there will be none to participate my joy; but there is a poor medium for the communication of feeling I desire the company of a man who could sympathize with me; whose eyes would reply to mine. You may deem me romantic, my dear sister but I bitterly feel the want of a friend.
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Yes, I know technically the title reads "to myself" but I'm far too inexperienced with tumblr to even try to put this on private. So for now it stays up and viewable. Not that it matters, I don't have anyone on here..ha. Plus, writing this in this perspective works better for me. I feel less stupid when I at least pretend that someone is taking the time to read this mess. And that it'll help someone, eventually. And its a good way to note my whole life with him down and sort of help me with this whole process of dealing with what feels like THE WORST FUCKEN HEARTACHE I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED.
So, this today has not been any easier than when this all started. Mainly cause this whole mess started since the day me and Him met. And its been a giant trash filled snowball effect since then. Wait no, that sounds horrible. 'Cause me and him were not always horrible. We were perfect. In every way. From the moment I saw him. He was so cute. He was beardless at the time. Had that Pachuco styled slicked back hair. And his wardrobe consisted of mainly flannels. The night of May 27th 2013, I repeat that moment in my head pretty often. I had seen him earlier that night in the car, but it was shaky and not personal. Just a quick greeting, hello, yes, get in the car, type thing. So I count the moment he walked over to me, or us I should say us, I was hitting on his sister at the time, ha. Which is HILARIOUS now, given that she HATES ME NOW, lolololol. Well anyways, he handed his sister a beer, made small talk, and went back to playing beer pong, which he's pretty good at by the way. By the end of the night, I'm not sure how it ended up just being me and him sitting outside, getting ready to smoke, deciding between his piece and my bong (clearly I won that one). And we talked. And even then I knew id be able to hear him talk forever. He talked about himself and sort of tried to play the cool guy. He was honestly awkward. Not in a bad way. He was nervous. He chuckled, I melted. I wanted to wrap myself in that feeling forever. It felt like I had found something, I'm not sure what, but SOMETHING. He had it. He just did. That moment outside with him felt like a second. Even though we sat and smoked a few bowls. In the end I had to leave early, my ride, and friend, was very trashed. Throwing up over the balcony. So I said goodbye, and left it at that. In the car on the way home I felt fucken stupid. I didn't ask his last name, number, anything! Like HOW. I got home and started to plot. I had been at that party that night due to mutual friends that went to the same school as me, so duh FACEBOOK. I searched every J name that would pop up. And finally, I found him. Slick back hair and flannel, perfect. I sent him a message, I got a reply the following morning, and by the weekend, I was seeing him. He was funny. Handsome, even though he had a baby face. He was charming, so so charming. His attempt at acting aloof only made me want to sit and listen more. I guess now I should have read the signs? But come on, he was cute and charming and I wanted to sit and stare at him all day. Even now, Id give anything to sit and stare at him all day...
To: the guy who took my innocence, First of all, Fuck You. There are very few people in this world that I can honestly say I hate with everything in me and you’re at the top of my list. Do you know how hard it is to trust people now? Do you understand that it’s embarrassing to have to explain to people why I flinched or why suddenly I can’t breathe? Can you explain to me in what universe it is okay to force yourself upon another person? Please enlighten me in why it was okay to do what you have done. I didn’t want it. I wasn’t asking for it. You betrayed me and I will never be able to forget what you have done. For years I flinched at anyone who would try to touch me, family, friends, everyone. I was never able to feel safe, constantly looking over my shoulder terrified that you’d be there. But of course it was all in my head, and I wanted it, well according to what you told our friends anyway. I regret not turning you in, but I didn’t want to ruin your life the way you ruined mine, even when stripped of everything I still cared more about someone other than myself. However, if it didn’t happen to me, it would have been another. So I’m glad it was me because I’d never wish how it made me feel and what happened on my worst enemy. I didn’t know it then, or even for years after... but I was strong enough to handle what happened and I’m here to prove it. Fuck you: La Guerriere
James Sirius Potter
(Yes, THAT James Sirius Potter)
(Surprisingly enough, it’s quite a rare name)
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
My Arse, Probably
My Darlingest Elliott,
It’s safe to assume that we both miss each other quite a bit, so I guess we’re even on that front, then. Which means you can’t use it as blackmail some day, given you were just as eager to get a letter from me as I was to write one. James - 1, Elliott 0. Hah!
I consulted Annie on your hair dying dilemma. If you’re willing to wait ‘til Christmas, you know she could charm it for you so that it could change colour at will. Saves you the hassle of ever dying it in the first place, - but, no, I know you’ll prefer the Muggle option, for some bloody reason. With that in mind; silver or bust.Â
Hey, I hate the robes as much as you do. Xavier’s orders. I’ve tried convincing him we’re all mutants so we should get the wicked cool X-Men uniforms, but he hasn’t budged yet. I’ll keep you updated on that one.Â
I’ll send you your piece as soon as Lou works out the final kinks. We’re still in the same timezone, remember, - if you’re not absurdly busy with studying and all that, I reckon we could get an evening or two in. But not Fridays. Sorry!
Potions with Ravenclaws, luckily enough. I’ve already called dibs on Quinn as a partner, which means you’ll be seeing more of her again, too. Who knows, maybe we’ll even get a few minutes of the mirror in when we’re in class, so you’ll see all this stuff for yourself. Wicked, right? And, please, have you seen my face? You know it’s not possible to mess this up. Goes against both my world’s laws, and yours.Â
Won’t find out about the winning ‘til October, actually. Which means we have a month of training to work with, which I’m not complaining about. We have a couple of new reserves to break in, - Porter and McLaggen. I’m quite excited. Wish us luck!
NEWTs, Ell. Next up is NEWTs. Nastily Exhausting Wizard Tests, which is a bloody accurate title for them. But, for your sake, - yes, this year it’s CATs. Cute As (fuck) Tests. Enjoy your ignorance. Embrace it while it lasts. <3
I MAKE NO PROMISES. I LOVE YOU TOO. MAKE GOOD CHOICES. DRINK RESPONSIBLY, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
I’ll keep an ear out for that screaming, then. Just, try not to deafen me, yeah? Dani’ll murder me if I can’t help her with her Frog Choir audition this year, and I can't exactly healp if I'm deaf. Fourth time’s the charm, though, right?
History of Magic is still history, Ell. It’s still boring. Believe me, I’d be completely captivated if the bloke said one word about the Howling Commandos or something, but apparently any and all talk about that particular topic is entirely off limits this year. But for you, yes, I’ll say hi.
Also, asking in advance; would you blame me if I ask you to help me out with Muggle Studies this year? Again? Because I now hate my Electives but I love you?? You’re the best.
Jamie
PS; Ten months can’t go quick enough, really.
PPS; YOU LOVE US AND YOU KNOW IT. Did she tell you that she ran over to give me a hug before she was sorted? Because she did. And it was adorable.
