#letter1

Dear Taehyun,

This is not my first ever letter to you, although it’s probably the first one you’ll get from me. I’m warning you in advance- this letter is going to be boring and silly and just bad and I’ll look back on this in a few years and cringe to myself as I read it again. No, I’m not professing my unconditional love to you or anything, don’t worry. Aaaaaaand, yeah.. back to why I started this letter in the first place. Gosh, this a whole other level of embarrassing. I’m stalling, aren’t I? 

Why am I writing this? Why am I saving this small corner of the Internet, tucked away in the dark depths of social media, a blink-and-you-miss-it kind of place; to write to you? It’s quite strange. You know, I’ve never done this before. Maybe- maybe it’s to tell you a story? Look, I’m not exceptionally good at telling stories but I’ll try my best- I think it’s one you’d like to hear.

So.. Once Upon a Time there was a girl. She didn’t possess extraordinary talent in anything, in fact, she was quite average. Let’s call her M for now, okay? So, M had only one dream when she was little. She wanted to be a Disney Princess. I know, pretty crazy right? But didn’t we all want to be princesses at some point? The years passed by and little M soon turned the ripe young age of Thirteen when she felt her first fall. He wasn’t that good looking: black hair and blinding smile- but of course, that only worsened the blow. She was a dreamer and he was a- a- well I don’t quite know exactly what he was, but he was something. Something bad. She had painted this picture of him in her head - all Prince Charming-ey with strong hands and a soft heart – and somehow found herself crying in the bathroom stalls on a Friday evening, praying- praying she’d never met him.

Tell me Taehyun- how do I get her to stop? It’s been three years now.

With love,

Jiao Gongzhu; call me Princess, I asked you one day.

I (was) the one who once said, "No one can call me Princess, cause I'm the Queen!" Because back then, I thought I had to be strong all the time. But somehow, you made me feel safe enough not to.

Now that we're parting ways—for an unspecified time limit, as you said—I think I must unburden my heart.

By the time you read this, we'll be on different continents. (It's kinda funny how on the exact same day we both left home. Chasing dreams, you said). I can no longer see you easily. Not that we saw each other often before (lol), but now, it's going to be so much harder.

Thank you for being by my side for the silliest yet precious memories. Like the time you gave me a bike ride, and we fell halfway through (IT WAS YOUR CLEVER IDEA, SILLY! I BRUISE EASILY!!!), or when we cried silently in the theater, or when we pulled all-nighters stressing over assignments while blasting our favorite songs, or when we both stay away from home during holidays cause it just felt too heavy. I'll keep those close.

I used to think you were shy and quiet. I was wrong. You turned out to be the bravest person I know. Your parents must be proud—just like I am.

As much as a part of me wants selfishly ask you to stay (it's May. I don't want this May to pass by without you), or at least not outgrow me, the bigger part of me wants you to fly, as far as you must, to grow, as high as you can.

Maybe, just maybe, we'll share another drama or book recs again. Maybe laugh over popcorn at a movie theater. Maybe cry during the concert opening. Or maybe just spend the night vibe to our fav songs like nothing changed.

But even if we don't (Idk but sounds so scary), just know that I'm proud of you. Always rooting for you. Always grateful you exist, wherever you are in this little big world.

Though I'm sad that you're leaving, I'm proud of what we achieved together. I hope our paths cross again.

Sincerely yours,

Princess.

...

P.S.: For now.. can you just reply my chat at least? Please?? You promised you'd text me every day :(((

Hey future me, what’s up.

You might not know, or rather more accurately, not remember what I did today and the past week. Actually, it’s more accurate to say that I did nothing today and the past week. Perhaps the only “real” thing I did was last Monday when I read and “studied” one page of that Parasitology summary. I mean I kinda remember some part of it. Like commensalism, Sarcomastigophora, cilia, pseudopods, flagella. Balantidium coli.

Hm. Retained a little more that I thought I would? 

Indulge me a little. Let me blurt out some things I read/studied (I honestly don’t know–remember–what’s the difference between not knowing and remembering? Wilful ignorance?).

The medically…uh…brain fart. Important! No, significant.

The medically significant parasites belong to one phyla. I think it’s called a phyla. Anyways, the important part is that there are two groups: Platyhelminthes and A- something-helminthes, where the latter is where roundworms/nematodes belong. Under Platyhelminthes you have the Sarcomastigophora further subdivided into Sarcodina (where amoebas belong) and Mastigophora (where flagellates belong I think?), then Ciliaphora (?) and one last that I forgot. There’s also that part with symbiosis, commensalism, parasitism. There’s also that part with different host and reservoir types.

Right. I’m sure I can recall more. But that’s not quite the focus of this letter today. 

It’s funny though, because I went through a mini roller coaster of thoughts writing that paragraph and came with it was a passenger of conflicting emotions, memories, and overall human things.

At first I was pleasantly surprised and actually happy that I retained some information. Then when I was given an opportunity to blurt out the things I retained, I did so and was disappointed that I only remembered that much and I crashed from my high. Then, in the background, before that elation turned bitter, that initial feeling of elation drove me to want to continue to study because “I can’t stop there, I wanna keep moving!” And at the same time the million unfinished lessons I’ve read, quotes I’ve pasted on my wall, rushed together with that tide and I also thought, “so that’s why they say with action comes motivation.”

All that in less than a minute, no less. No wonder words fail us.

Anyway. Now I’m left with the aftertaste of what was supposed to be a high. It’s not sour, not exactly. Simply hollow.

Great. Now I completely forget the whole point of why I started this letter. (Future me, did you ever find a way to lift our curse? It’s so limiting and I hate it a lot).

On our wall, we had two printouts that we cut from printer paper. On one of them, was written: 

Reason 2: You are putting something off because you don’t feel like doing it. Solution: Make like Spock and ignore your feelings. They’re getting in your way…So if you are sitting there, putting something off because you don’t feel like it, remember that you don’t actually need to feel like it. There is nothing stopping you.

The actual message is longer than that, as you may know. I’ve attached a photo here in case our curse is acting up again.

What was the point of this letter again?

…

I stare at nothing trying to recall the point that was so important that started this whole letter thing. But of course, I forgot.

I feel terrible. A week has gone past and there is no excuse for my behavior. I know–and heck even you know I bet–there is no excuse for my behavior. If I could sleep at 3AM just scrolling through stupid fanfics, I can do the same for reading books.

I knew that Microbiology is a difficult subject, even more difficult to learn in less than three weeks. This already included Parasitology, plus Bacteriology, Mycology, and Virology, I already know how difficult it would be to study enough so that I can get that 64/100 for a fucking pass.

Not only do I have to memorize stupid bacteria names, but I also have to remember which media they can and/or cannot grow, what comprises these media, biochemical tests, on top of an already tsunami overload information of how these microorganisms cause disease, how to prevent said disease, complications, etc.

And I only studied one page. Of a summary.

I always feel terrible but never do anything about it.

What did I sacrifice? Did I even work at all? Was there any hardwork?

But at the same time, I can’t trust myself not to say that I did well. Until now, I can only moderately–moderately!—say I “worked hard” when I studied for 11.1 hours straight. Up until what point can I be satisfied and say the job is done?

Lessons learned today:

I am more emotional than I thought. Me giving in to my desires and impulsive thoughts is my emotional brain overcoming my rational brain. I learned that emotions are not just anger or sadness, it is also impulsiveness.

Action really creates motivation. I’ll write more letters to you soon.

Sincerely,

I chronicle everything about you since our first encounter

Nothing foolish, of course

and today.. I spill it to Mr moon

I said mostly,

“Call me dumb, as i am. But even when the world is collapsing, He is still the one I’d fall to.”

I caught Mr moon thinking for a moment,

before he replied,

“How can you be so sure ?”

I show him a tender smile before replying,

“Well, It’s an almost end game. Besides we already fell for each other..”

“I mean, aren’t we.. ?”

Tom didn’t know what this was. He had merely walked back into his bedroom, while Cal was busy downstairs with the eggs, and all of these letters with no stamps were just sitting there on his bed.

Carefully, he walked over, and curiously lifted up the first one on the top. Flipping it open, he read.