#letter 25

I often spend my free time and also the time before I go to bed thinking about 2-3 things that I really want in my life. I draw these elaborate scenarios of how my life is going to be when that happens, how I’m going to make it happen and just all that good stuff. I mean, I’m sure many other people do this. Is this what people call daydreaming? I don’t really know. But I do know this – I am going to make these things happen, even if it’s going to take a really long time.

So, I don’t ever share it with others because it feels so personal and pure and I really don’t know how to or well even if want to explain it to them. But I know for a fact it will happen and I don’t feel stupid or silly for thinking so much about it. I hope you don’t either. Accepting that you aren’t in the place to do something even if you really want to is a very smart and brave thing and I respect you for that.

Another thing I respect you for? You are more of an action than a word person when it comes to love. When asked – who do you think you’ve said I love you to the most – you said, ‘It’s not something I say a lot. I’m more of a show-I-love-you type of person, so I really can’t say.’ And I kid you not I was mentally clapping for you in my head! More, can we please have more of such people! Like, sure, yes, waking up to a ‘I love you’ text from someone you love is sweet but having them be punctual or show up for things that matter to you is way sweeter. I’m so tired of people who hide behind powerful words because they are too weak to action them and they know it.

Hugs! That’s a good way to feel loved, yes. I, however, have always had this very awkward relationship with hugs and only like them sometimes with some people and never really know which is it going to be. But I totally understand the part about not being the one to initiate it. My friend, let’s call her Twix, is preparing for this really important professional exam and we haven’t met in months and it will be a few more before we do. But we started doing this thing where we schedule a ‘call date’ night every week to catch up with each other.

These usually run into 2-3 hours and we both quite enjoy the time we spend talking about just everything. The last time, she said we should make this our tradition and continue it even when her exam is over because it’s not like we’re going to meet every day or often even once she’s done with it. And I felt so loved and happy and the fact that I wasn’t the one to initiate it made it mean more. It’s not because I am petty or childish. It’s just because sometimes it can feel like I push people for things, out of love and enthusiasm that they don’t quite want as much as I do. And then it leaves me feeling like the more loving one and as poetic as Auden made it sound, it really is an absolute shit feeling.

I remember feeling the kind of love you described… “A sense of belonging. It means to like someone or something because of who they are and what they do. It’s warmth and an involuntary smile because you just like that person so much. It’s there in every eye-roll someone makes because their significant other is so stupid but they still adore them.” Way back when I was younger and in school. I felt this kind of love with my then best friends. Walking into class and knowing that they have been waiting for me and their face lighting up the moment they see me. Going on and on about what a stupid thing it is that they are doing but doing it with them anyway.

I don’t know if I can feel that kind of unconditional and absolute love ever again. I just know so much more about people and life than I did back then to ever love that way again. But who knows? Perhaps, I don’t know as much as my 33 year old self will know in the future. All we can do is hope that all the times we use absolutes in a negative sense like ‘I will never feel love again’ or ‘I am never going to be okay’ we are just fooling ourselves. Because we did fool ourselves while using positive absolutes too, right? ‘I will always love you.’ Our words, and those of others, can be such a joke! It’s a good thing you emphasize more on actions. I, too, try.

I hope your 20s, the decade 2020 and also your 20s, are filled with long hugs, words backed by actions, and the best pet dog ever. I also hope you don’t always have to be the more loving one.

Love, Nikki

I wrote this letter for Emilia based on some questions they answered. You can read the questions and their answers here.

Guys - I have received 29 people’s responses for The Love Project - 29 days of love letters. So I won’t be accepting anymore, however, you can read other letters here.

Om Namo Bhagavate Sri Ramanaya ---------------------------------------------------- 18th January, 1946

Baby Cheetahs About a year ago, some person who was rearing two baby cheetahs brought them into Bhagavan's presence. When they were fondled and given milk, not only did they move freely amongst the people in the hall, but they got on to the sofa with Bhagavan's welcome and slept soundly thereon. One of the Ashram devotees took a photo of that unusual group. From about 1 p.m. to 3 p.m. Bhagavan confined himself to one end of the sofa keeping the cubs on the sofa in the same position all the time. They woke up afterwards and were there till about 4 p.m., moving about freely in the hall. Once again, before Bhagavan went up the hill at the usual time, photos were taken with the cheetah cubs on the sofa and also on the table in front of the sofa. They were published in the Sunday Times later. The wonder of it was that even the cheetah cubs lay down happily on the sofa, overpowered by sleep induced by the touch of Bhagavan's hands. While they were there, the squirrels came and ate nuts and the sparrows came and ate broken rice, as usual. In olden days, when animals and birds of all sorts moved about together without enmity in any place, people used to think that it was perhaps a Rishi Ashram. - Letters from Sri Ramanasramam by Suri Nagamma - Letter 25

Lord Chaitanya dança com os animais da floresta  

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18 de Janeiro de 1946

Filhotes de Chita

Há cerca de um ano atrás, alguém que andava a criar dois filhotes de chita trouxe-os à presença de Bhagavan. Depois de terem sido acarinhados e de lhes ter sido dado leite, não só andaram livremente entre as pessoas no salão, mas também subiram para o sofá com as boas-vindas de Bhagavan e ali dormiram profundamente. Um dos devotos do Ashram tirou uma foto desse grupo invulgar. Desde cerca da 1h da tarde até às 3h Bhagavan limitou-se a uma extremidade do sofá deixando os filhotes no sofá na mesma posição o tempo todo. Depois acordaram e ficaram por lá até às 4h da tarde, andando livremente no salão. Mais uma vez, antes de Bhagavan subir ao monte na hora habitual, foram tiradas fotos com os filhotes de chita no sofá e também na mesa em frente ao sofá. Elas foram mais tarde publicadas no Sunday Times.

Surpreendente foi que até os filhotes de chita se deitavam felizes no sofá, dominados pelo sono induzido pelo toque das mãos de Bhagavan. Enquanto eles estavam lá, chegaram os esquilos e comeram nozes e vieram os pardais e comeram arroz partido, como de costume. Antigamente, quando animais e aves de todos os tipos andavam juntos por todo o lado, sem inimizade, as pessoas costumavam pensar que talvez se tratasse do Ashram de um Rishi.

Letters -  Cartas do Sri Ramanasramam, de Suri Nagamma - Carta 25

Grandma,

I know you're thinking about how your body is doing everyday and about how you're turning 90 years old. I know you've been reminiscing everyday about days and years spent. I know you're tired and hurting. I know it seems like there isn't much to look forward to. But please keep looking forward to and everyday is what you make it. I believe in you, your body, and your ability. I know it's easy for me to say, I'm only 19. But I love you and I'm sorry you're feeling like that. If I could exchange some of my well-being for your pain, I would. I would do it. I think all you need is a little bit to get better. It's the mindset. But I never knew how to tell you that. Grandma, you're great. Your memories are great and so is your perseverance for getting through all your obstacles, so I know you can beat this. It's mentality Grandma, and I believe if you try, tomorrow will be better; and the day after that, and the day after that.