#letter 10

You know some of my most lovely memories – and also the ones that make me feel emotionally stable + a functioning adult – are of the times I’ve been in the kitchen, cooking or baking, while my favourite music plays and I am drinking something delicious (non-alcoholic) and there’s no one disturbing my peace and vibe. So it was very delightful to read how you enjoy cooking. Tell me this though, I’ve always been curious. Most of the women I know have always told me that by the time they are done cooking, they feel so full that their appetite isn’t quite strong and they’d rather just see others eat. Is that true? Of course, I rarely cook or bake but every time I do, throughout the entire process I cannot wait to eat it. And I eat the largest portion out of anybody around at the time. What about you?

It was also very lovely to see how you said you ‘don’t have a taste in music’ and listen to anything as long as it sounds great. That means two things – 1. You’re not a music snob – thank the heavens! (Absolutely detest those!) and 2. You’re a person after my own heart.

Growing up, I absolutely dreaded the question – what kind of music you like? Partly because I didn’t have any particular type and my taste was very varied, random and sometimes niche. And partly because I knew the person was going to judge me heavily based on my answer. This one time however, a guy I had a crush on said something that to the 14 year old me became an answer that I clung to for years to come. He said something like – the kind of music I like? Well, that depends on my mood. Of course, now, in retrospect, it wasn’t any sort of a profound or smart answer necessarily but every time I said that to other people they backed off and I felt saved!

Now, that I’m older and wiser and give fewer fucks to others, I can proudly say that my music taste cannot be boxed. I deeply care about the lyrics but I also need music that makes either my heart or my legs happy. I listen to everything from Korean indie music to old Punjabi songs, from American pop to Hindi soft music. And even now, I never have a straight and simple answer to the music question but now that’s my test of judging the other person. If they judge me or don’t understand, then I take a few steps away and mentally bid them goodbye. If they don’t judge and try to understand, I walk closer.

You know, just today at work during lunch I was telling my co-workers about this one time I made my friend a mix-tape for her birthday. Of course, since this was back in 2016, I just made her a virtual one. And now, I want to make one for you. I would make it on Spotify but I’m not sure if that’s something you use. So again, let’s do this the virtual way. I am going to compile a few songs for you that mean something precious to me and I hope you listen to them and may be they come to mean something to you as well.

PS A lot of them will be non-English (A few Korean and one Hindi) so please turn on the English captions and give them a try. I swear they won’t disappoint.

Nikki’s mixtape for Billeh – As random as life

The Cure - Drunken Tiger with Yoonmarie and Bizzy

At Home – Crystal Fighters

Tree Hugger – Kimya Dawson

Touch – Sleeping At Last

Toodoo – The Tellers

Human – Dodie and John Cozart

TMI - GRAY

Gooey – Glass Animals

What the spring – 10 cm

Follow your arrow – Kacey Musgraves

Jeet - Ritviz (Could not find English lyrics for this but I think you’ll quite like the music + video)

Egotistic - Mamamoo

So, there you go! <3

About love…I think the older most of us get, the more we realise the value of positive, healthy and nurturing relationships – romantic and platonic. But quite of us are late to that realisation so it was really refreshing to see what love means to you.

I also felt so relieved to see that you haven’t yet had your heart completely shatter. You’re definitely doing something right! I won’t say that I hope never does because I know that’s a central part to human life but I will tell you this – I hope when it does, you have the strength to be patient with yourself and time so that they can do their job in healing.

Loads of love, Nikki

Guys, February is 29 days of love letters. I’m writing love letters, as part of The Love Project, and if you’d like me to write one to you, drop me an email at [email protected]

There are 4 more spots left, and you can still be a part of it if you’d like :D 

My perfect Rey,

As per your request, I have refrained from contacting you for at least 4 hours, so you could catch your breath after my visit . Don’t worry, I am not offended. I am fully aware of how intense I tend to get (thank you for putting it so kindly), I don’t blame you for needing a little time and am happy to oblige. My love, my dearest love, I still can barely believe that you actually love me too, but you actually do! The joy I felt when you explained that all this time, you had felt our strange connection just as strongly as I did, even if you didn’t embrace it quite as enthusiastically! Very understandable under the circumstances, I hated me too, at that time. But your ability to accept the truths I told you in the cave speaks highly of your strength of character. And unbelievable as it may have sounded, it was the truth, Rey.

I also wanted to thank you yet again for sharing your food capsules with me while we were stuck in the tomb. Enclosed is a little something for you to munch on, a gift to show my gratitude for your generosity.

I’m still not sure if I am glad that you talked me into coming over to the Resistance’s new base. Don’t get me wrong, it was great hanging out with you that evening, back in your quarters. I still maintain that there are no words to describe how wonderful it feels just to gaze upon your face in person, let alone… Oh, and you must have seen how extraordinarily amused and gratified I was to find out that you had decided to keep your birth control in the old cotton ear-swab tin, with my picture on it. I smile every time I think about that.

But I can’t pretend that visit was all smiles though. I’m glad that Skywalker wasn’t there (did I overhear something about a secret mission?), but I had to face my mother some time. I knew she’d be upset with me, even after I explained how my father’s sacrifice was not in vain. It didn’t even seem out of the question that she might let them arrest me - I probably deserve no less. That in mind, I guess I can’t complain about 60 seconds of abject humiliation, bent over my mother’s knee and spanked in front of half the Resistance. And she didn’t hold back either, she really went to town. You saw when we were alone, later that night! My ass was as red as my kriffing lightsaber.

But it seemed like the catharsis did her good, and I hope that the plan we discussed will help her truly forgive me. The Resistance now has the ultimate mole. The thing is, I had the impression that some of the other officers were not at all convinced. That one admiral, in particular. I get the feeling that she wanted to throw my ass in the brig, defector or not.

That in mind, I don’t think I should come to see you at the Resistance base again. I guess you’ll just have to come here, and I have been looking into options. I could sneak you aboard the Finalizer, for a few hours. I am confident that if you follow the enclosed instructions, it will work. I can’t wait to introduce you to Grandfather. He will love you, I’m sure of it.

The thing is, my quarters are only a single room, and Grandfather is in the middle of it… If we were to need some alone time (and kriff, I think that need is not strong enough a word for my part, my darling), it can’t be in there. I really can’t - not with him watching/listening, and I imagine it would be extremely awkward for him as well. Fortunately, Hux’s quarters are down the hall, and he’ll be out on leave for a few days. We can use his room, and he’ll never even know, if we’re careful not to make a mess. Oh, and you’re not allergic to cats, are you?

With a longing more all-consuming than a Sarlacc pit,

Kylo

PS. On second thought, let’s not worry about making a mess in Hux’s quarters. He has thrown me under the proverbial ground mass transport vehicle in front of our boss too many times. We’ll use his room for our rendezvous, and then that neat-freak can come home to a bed, soiled and crusty with our love. 

……………………………………………………………..

Small Tokens (the title of this fic) can be read in its entirety at:

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11534406/chapters/25895388

And thank you to @thedarkside-and-thelight and @ashley0-0maltese for suggesting the cereal!

I’ve always wondered what happened to you. You were so good to me, so helpful. You had a weird power that kept the ghosts away, and I still thank you for that. I don’t know where you went, but I hope the spirits didn’t take you to spite me. 

I liked your greeting so much, I decided to use it myself. You’re right on both counts; it’s smile-worthy and magical.

If I’m being completely honest, I’m really glad you told your crew about us. I’m sure it would have been okay otherwise - even if I did suffer slightly hurt feelings - but this way is just so much better, don’t you think? I’m also glad they’re all supportive. That always makes things easier. Was Jeff disappointed? I know you said he had a crush on Nick, but if the boy has eyes, I’m sure he has a crush on you, too.

Rachel has been my very best friend, personal cheerleader and one-woman support system since high school. Even if she does torture me with vegan desserts, I know it comes from a place of love. And every once in awhile, she manages to make something almost edible. I asked her your question - what would she do if you let me down? - and she told me it would be very bad indeed. Her girlfriend is very crafty with a nail file and I suspect she hides razor blades in her hair. No doubt she’s passed some of that viciousness onto Rachel. If you’re scared of angry Chihuahuas, you should be terrified of Rachel.

In lighter news, Penny and I had what will now be the first of many spa dates. We’ve set up a bi-monthly visit system. Once a month, she’ll come to New York and in return, I’ll make my way down to New Jersey. She’s wonderful and now I’m looking forward to meeting Wes. I’ve seen a few pictures of the two of you. Which reminds me that I’ve moved your picture to my bedside table. That’s not creepy now, is it?

You can tell Sam hello for me, too. And you can also let him know that I have absolutely no plans of breaking your heart. But that I’m suspicious of any helicopter that hovers a bit too low for my liking. Even if you say it’s nearly impossible.

It’s pretty amazing how much you can make me laugh just by writing a letter. But you did and I love it. I’m not laughing when I think about your butt, though. Let’s be clear about that. I’m not usually one for talking about my own butt…not without being incredibly awkward, at least. But I did buy some camouflage pants of my own. Well, kind of. They’re green and yellow and not likely to help me blend in anywhere. They’re also skin tight. I’ll wear them when you visit.

The origami fox is adorable and perfect and much better than cookies. It’s something that stays. I’ve named him B and he sits beside your picture. Maybe that’s a little creepy… Pretend I didn’t write that. My point is that I like that tradition. A lot.

I have to get back to work, so I should go now. I miss you. Stay safe.