#letsnotrot

How do we navigate pain? 

My grandmother’s passing is an overwhelming feeling for me. For the first day after burial, I uncontrollably cried. I couldn’t stop even though my eyes hurt so bad. Then I started with the usual — sleep deprivation, distracting self with work, using background noise so I won’t feel alone, cut contact, stop talking about my feelings, strong urge to drink alcohol and hurt myself (though I didn’t), I was mad and sad at the same time, I got bad nightmares, and a lot more.

I honestly don’t know how to respond with pain. Sometimes, I want to translate emotional pain to physical pain because that’s easier for me. I can just clean the wounds and cover it. Does that make any sense?

How am I doing lately?

I had to force myself to do things like get up, drink, eat, clean, take a bath, go out and see the sun, walk, etc. I had no inspiration. I don’t like the things I usually enjoy. I can’t reply well with “how are yous”. I still cry from time to time. 

Let’s not rot.

It was an idea by Kait Grange on Tiktok and I am just trying here too. 

It’s been 22 days since she passed. I can’t imagine not seeing or not able to call someone who has been constantly there for 31 years of my life. But what do I do not to rot? I close my eyes and say a little prayer to fight my urges to drink or hurt myself. I try to write so even though I don’t talk to people much so I can still let it out. I convince myself throwing the trash on the first floor of the building means I have to walk outside and see the sun after work. I try to text friends whom I trust even though it is so hard. I whisper to myself “send it” even though it’s tough. I try to go to family gatherings even though I don’t want to. I try so hard. I even to convince myself to take a bath even though it’s like a chore right now. But hey, I try.