#lets pray

Except this time, she doesn’t hear her own voice echoing off the walls of her dining room. The Pitt is too busy for there to be an echoing silence after she yells at her mother. Instead, Eileen Shamsi reels backwards, eyes widened in surprise at the sheer fact that Victoria had the audacity to speak to her like that in public. But Victoria doesn’t care anymore. She’s covered in sweat, blood, and various other body fluids and she’s goddamn exhausted. Any lingering worries wash away with the grins that McKay and Mateo throw her way as encouragement. And then she’s back to intubating, helping save lives like the goddamn doctor she is.

The illusion crumbles as she continues to rotate through Pittsburgh Trauma Medical. She thinks back to that moment often. A reminder of the authority and trust she had over herself, of what she’s capable of when she takes matters into her own hands. She’s proud of it. She’s hungry for it.

It sets her off.

Victoria knows she’s capable. She’d always prided herself on her academic metrics, they’d reassured her of this. But this incident serves as evidence for her, reaffirms the knowledge that, yes, actually, she is an adult. Hard to believe against the backdrop of the iron fist of the Javadi household, but yes, she’s an adult. An adult who is owed autonomy and space to make her own goddamn decisions.

Fuck whatever long term plan she had.

Victoria needs to get out.

-

She’s being a bitch. She knows because all of the nurses are walking on eggshells around her. Even Garcia had asked if everything was alright, not even pretending to believe Victoria’s lackluster excuse. Honestly, she couldn’t care less right now. Surgery is hard enough for her, what with all of the incredibly graphic procedures she has to endure, but the overlapping shifts with her mother have made it that much worse. 

It makes leaving all she can think about. Somehow, the anger and frustration have quelled her body’s automatic response to the thought of leaving, hyperventilating. That’s reserved for the sanctity of her bedroom, where her nervousness blooms at the prospect of leaving the safety net she’s been provided all of her life.

“Whatever happened to you in the last few days, I’m absolutely loving bandit.” Trinity slides into the seat next to her, tapping her credentials into the PTM portal. “It looks great on you.” She’s overeager as she looks over at Javadi, eyes lighting up as she pops a jolly rancher in her mouth.

“Bandit?” And geez, even Victoria winces at the tone of her voice.

Trinity’s a soldier though. She just shakes her head in disbelief, “Like Crash Bandicoot? The games? On the GameCube?”

Victoria just stares at her blankly, too tired to explain to Trinity that the first gaming console she got was a DS with Nintendogs. God, those poor dogs. They’re probably starving and covered in fleas.

Trinity gapes at her, the half melted jolly rancher visible before she speaks, “Jesus! Okay, well, it’s a compliment. He literally saves the world. Just like your little genius brain is gonna save us all one day.” Trinity bumps her shoulder against Javadi’s before turning back towards the computer.

“Right,” Victoria can't add any inflection to her voice; it comes out flat and unlively. 

“Goddamn who the hell took away your whimsy? You love my shitty jokes.”

“Sorry,” Victoria rubs at her temples, closing her eyes against the harsh lighting for a second, “It’s just my mother.”

Trinity lets out a low whistle, “Oy vey. Get into it again?” 

“Mhm.” Victoria’s hand comes to rest over her eyes, praying and hoping for some relief, “Keeps driving me up the wall. You’d think I was a prepubescent child the way she talks to me.”

“Oh god, the ethnic parent curse.” Trinity’s sympathetic as she rubs Victoria’s shoulder, “Always a baby even if you’re grown.”

This is one of the things that Victoria appreciates about Trinity, the shared experience. Despite the rocky beginnings of their relationship, they’d been able to commiserate over the struggle of having demanding ethnic parents. Victoria would be lying if she didn’t feel an extra layer of validation at struggling with something that Trinity struggled with as well. 

“It’s fucking exhausting. Having them, well mostly my mom, breathe down my neck as if I’m incapable of making my own decisions is infuriating.”

Trinity nods, crunching through the jolly rancher, “You’d think the accelerated pace of schooling and the fact you even got into medical school would dispel that idea. But god knows ethnic parents couldn’t care less about logic and reasoning that contradicts them.”

Victoria gives up looking at the patient files and lets her head fall into her hands. “It’s driving me insane, Trin.”

“I know I sound like a broken record, but why don’t you just… move out?”

Victoria can’t help the dry laugh that escapes her, “I don’t even know how the hell I’d go about doing that. It’s not like my mother would even be onboard with that.”

“Well, have you asked?” Trinity’s knee bumps into Victoria, her hand still on her shoulder.

Victoria shoots Trinity a sideways glance, “Have I asked Eileen Shamsi if she would let me leave her home?”

Trinity nods, immune to Victoria’s dull response.

“No, I haven’t. Because I already know how that conversation is going to go.”

“What makes you so sure?”

Victoria sighs, turning to Trinity, “I know she’s trying to keep me on a tight leash so I don’t “fall into the wrong path.” I doubt she’d just let go like that. I mean if she would, she’d have done it already, right?”

Trinity shakes her head, giving Victoria’s shoulder one last squeeze before her hand falls back into her lap. “My mother was incredibly fucking anal about ever decision I made. She was even pissed about the fact that I decided to go to medical school. Imagine that.” 

Trinity rolls her eyes and waves her hand as she continues, “She had this idea of what I was capable of and would get mad at me when I would do something she thought wasn’t suitable for me. So I just started proving her wrong. Every little thing she expressed doubt in, I excelled. Eventually, she came around, but it took a long time and put a strain on our relationship.”

Victoria’s eyes furrowed, “Geez, Trin, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry.”

Trinity shrugs, unfazed by the large trauma dump, “It is what it is. Nothing compared to your shackled life. But seriously, use me as an example that you can make it out of your situation.”

“I just don’t know how I’d even approach this with her,” Victoria mumbles out.

Trinity perks up immediately, a light shining in her eye, “I think I have an idea for that.” She pauses for a moment, tapping a finger on her chin, “But it’ll have to wait til your twenty-first.”

“My twenty-first? Trin, you know I can’t go out.”

Trinity grins at her, “Yeah, I know you can’t go out, but we’re still celebrating. Duh”

Victoria feels a smile spreading slowly across her face. The idea of celebrating her birthday with someone other than her family has her feeling lighter. She’s stunned a bit, lost for words at the fact that Trinity, of all people, would be planning something for her. All she manages is an “Oh. Cool.”

-

Trinity and Dennis’ apartment exudes a level of comfort and coziness that Victoria wasn’t aware homes could have. She’d gotten so used to the polished appearance of her parents’ house that she’d forgotten how comforting it was supposed to be.

As soon as Victoria passes through the front door, she’s greeted by the warm smell of vanilla and the earthy smell of the plants that hang from the ceiling. Victoria won’t admit it outright, but there’s a deep sense of peace and tranquility that she has here. Insane to think that Trinity’s home would offer her that, but hey, crazier things have happened.

In the windowsill, Gato, the apartment’s resident calico, is batting at the end of a blue streamer that hangs low. It’s one of many that have been set up around the apartment. They’d gone all out, decorating the home in blue and yellow, Pitt’s colors, birthday decorations. Victoria has an inkling suspicion that the box, also decorated, sitting on the counter is a Mocha Cloud Cake from the Tous Les Jours on Penn. She’d had it earlier in the year and had talked Trinity’s ear off about it for weeks. She can’t help the small smile that spreads across her face. It’s nice to have a small birthday celebration with people she actually wants to spend her day with.

Trinity had told Victoria beforehand not to worry about anything but “looking cute” and left it at that. Victoria’s attempts at gaining clarity were met with a wave of Trinity’s hand and a small comment about keeping it chill casual. Because Victoria was so experienced in the chill casual of it all. She’d done her best with the results that pinterest gave her, but she felt a little overdressed for the occasion. But, whatever, it was her birthday after all.

Dennis and Trinity are already home, offering her a drink as she sets down her bag for the night. Samira and Mel join them a little later, bringing more goodies and alcohol with them.

“It is your twenty-first after all,” Samira says with a wink and a small giggle. Victoria doesn’t miss the way Mel’s eyes dart over to Samira and soften around the edges. It’s very cute.

They end up settled in the living room, all of them strewn across couches and even the floor. It’d been rearranged to be as similar to a conversation pit as possible. Various kinds of foods and drinks filled the tables in the center as they got on with the festivities.

Turns out that Trinity had organized a powerpoint night for her 21st. Except, Victoria’s not in it. It’s all catered to her and for her. Just like all the sugary drinks that Trinity keeps feeding her. Victoria doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol or what, but she can feel her eyes burning every time she thinks a little too hard about this. Not exactly the quintessential bar crawl nearly every 21 year old seems to have, but something that they knew she’d prefer a lot more.

She’ll have to thank Trinity for this down the line.

For now, she focuses her attention back on the presentations and the cold drink in her hand. Dennis is up first, quick to set the group off in giggles when the title of his presentation, Correctly Milking a Cow (Interactive Presentation), comes on screen. True to the title, Dennis is equipped with gloves to simulate the milking process. He walks through the process, demonstrating on his glove, and encouraging them to try it. They’re giggling nonstop, the dyed water inside the gloves spilling in some cases, but it’s incredibly fun. Victoria laughs herself to tears when Trinity’s glove nearly bursts. They have to take a breather after that presentation.

As the others clean up the water around them, Victoria feels her phone buzz along her leg. She pulls it out to find a message from Mateo.

mateo🏀🩺damn, no invite?

victoria✨?????

She watches the typing animation on her screen and waits for her response. She’s distracted by Mel’s light tap on her shoulder.

“Feeling alright?”

Victoria grins easily at Mel, warmth coursing through her body, “Phenomenal!”

Mel laughs a little, shaking her head a bit, “Perfect. Want another drink?”

Victoria nods enthusiastically, and Mel grins at her before leaving her alone with her phone again. She looks back down to see that Mateo had responded to her.

mateo🏀🩺whitaker told me he can’t game with me tonight cause he was celebrating your birthday

mateo🏀🩺and i didnt get an invite 😭 mateo🏀🩺santos also sent a picture of you in the groupchat[screenshot.jpg]

Victoria’s eyebrows scrunch at the image Mateo sends. It’s a screenshot of a group chat titled “bambi protection squad”. In it, she can see that Trinity had sent a picture of Victoria. She’d caught her mid laugh with her mouth open and her eyes scrunched, glossy tear tracks covering her face. One hand holds her drink, and the other holds her stomach in the moment. There are three heart reactions in the picture. Victoria’s stomach twists a little at the pretense of Mateo liking a picture of her. She responds to Mateo before she can sit on that for too long.

victoria✨to be fair i didn’t even know it was happening

mateo🏀🩺 laughed at “to be fair i didn’t even know it was happening”

mateo🏀🩺you having fun?

There’s another little twist of something at the pit of her stomach. She tries not to dwell on it.

victoria✨ yeah!!! dennis taught us about milking cows LOL

victoria✨he says that next time he’s gonna teach us horseback riding! suuuper excited for that

mateo🏀🩺easy cowgirl, dont go having too much fun without me

victoria✨ laughed at “easy cowgirl, dont go having too much fun without me”

She knows that Mateo’s not doing it on purpose. Knows he’s just someone who’s naturally funny and kind to others. That doesn’t stop the warmth blooming in her stomach, creeping up her chest at his words. There’s another part of her that reminds her that this is platonic. That he doesn’t want her. She can feel the inner turmoil starting, her thoughts wrestling each other as Victoria digests the short conversation. 

She doesn’t get to dwell on it long, a few moments later another text comes in from someone Victoria’s not really expecting.

high functioning caffeine addict ☕happy birthday sprout🌿[flower_in_bloom.gif]

Victoria glances around at the cups in front of her, counting them all. The alcohol must be working fast, she thinks to herself, because she can feel herself getting overly warm. She needs to slow down, maybe drink some water. This can’t be a normal reaction to a text message.

victoria✨ loved “happy birthday sprout🌿”

victoria✨ loved an image

victoria✨

[smiling_cat.jpg]

She decides that’s enough of her phone for now. Otherwise, she’s sure she’ll embarrass herself saying something stupid. God knows she doesn’t need any more of that after the year she’s had.

Mel slides another cup into Victoria’s hand as they all settle down to continue with the presentations. Samira’s is up next, her culinary rotations pass around the group as she gives her presentation on 10 Foods That Saved My Ass During Med School. Her cooking is incredible, very on brand for Samira, and she’s linked video recipes for Victoria to follow along. She’d even gone ahead and included a list of her favorite Southeast Asian grocery stores in the area. She’s tearing up by the end of it, touched that Samira would offer her something she’d been begging her mother to pass on to her. Pleading for the generational knowledge, and having it be sidetracked by her medical education. It’s not lost on Victoria how special it is for Samira to share this with her.

Samira settles down next to her as Mel gears up for her presentation on Household Items That Changed My Life. All of the items have an incredibly detailed review, ranked according to a meticulous rubric that Mel herself had crafted. Honestly, if Mel wasn’t a doctor Victoria’s convinced she could be a saleswoman because she’d managed to convince Victoria that she actually does need a Typhur sync thermometer for cooking. Her amazon list has gotten significantly longer for sure.

Finally, it’s Trinity’s turn. She’d been smart to save herself for last because the drinks had absolutely settled in Victoria’s stomach. She’s feeling ridiculously warm and free right now. It’s why she starts giggling as soon as she sees Trinity’s bright blue and yellow presentation called How to Break Javadi Out of Prison (aka her parents' house). There are little pixelated sprites dancing around on the corners of the screen that send her into an absolute fit. The alcohol makes her perception absolute shit because it takes her a lot longer to notice that they’re not just random pixelated icons but icons of the five of them.

Victoria’s wheezing so hard it’s difficult for her to speak, but she finally manages in between laughs. “How much time did you spend on this?”

Trinity grins back at her, swaying on the balls of her feet, “A long fucking time! I had to make it good!”

It sets her off again, the others in the group laughing at Trinity’s antics and Victoria’s deteriorating state. Trinity shakes her head, her grin widening as she grabs the clicker to get started. In all honesty, Victoria had expected a throwaway presentation from Trinity, but the first slide alone had Victoria bursting into tears.

Titled, Why Victoria Deserves to be Free, Trinity starts off with an incredibly jovial tone. It contradicts the state of manifestation that Victoria finds herself in during Trinity’s readout. It’s not that she doesn’t think she deserves to be free; she is very aware that she does, but it’s the fact that it’s coming from Trinity that floors her. Victoria hadn’t expected to build a true friendship, let alone any sort of camaraderie with Trinity after her first day. But in spite of it all, Trinity had seamlessly become a strong pillar in her support system.

It’s shockingly touching.

The content of the slide does nothing to help resolve Victoria’s state of tears and snot. It actually gets much worse.

💮✨ Why Victoria deserves to be free ✨💮 → Deserves to live for herself → Needs to learn who she is apart from her parents → She’s too great to keep hidden away → A world with Victoria Javadi free is a better world for us to live in → We desperately need her for Trivia Night

No amount of wiping can keep Victoria’s face dry. Wet, hot tears just keep coming at a steady pace. Trinity laughs it off, but even through her tears, Victoria can make out the glassy look of her eyes. Samira slides an arm around her, supporting her, while Dennis rubs her other arm. From Samira’s left, Mel shoots her a small, encouraging smile that Victoria tries to match with her own wobbly smile. 

The presentation, apart from this slide, is deeply unserious. It’s filled with cartoonish ways to get Victoria out from under her parents' thumb and her childhood home. One of the suggestions is for her to just move into the Pitt under the guise of maximum studying. The most outlandish one concocted involves a high-level crime that Victoria gets framed for, which leads to her disappearance as she goes into hiding, faking her death, only for her name to be cleared and be able to come back as Victoria Javadi and be able to live on her own. It’s all so ridiculous that Victoria finds herself laughing so hard her stomach hurts again, her eyes now drier but puffy. 

She’s so full of love for the people in this room it overwhelms her.

It all bubbles over when Trinity's last slide comes on screen. Three simple words: Victoria moves out. Simple, concise, as if it would ever be that easy for her. As if Eileen Shamsi had ever made any singular part of Victoria’s life uncomplicated, had left room for anything to be negotiated.

She can feel this thing in her chest unfurling, releasing all this pent up emotion she had been storing for all 21 years of her life. It’s unknown but familiar to her, somehow. Sensations that she’d felt for a mere moment flared in the middle of an argument before she felt herself retreating. Victoria’s mouth feels like cotton, her throat constricts, for the first time, she lets herself think of how unfair this all is. It’s never easy for her. God knows if she’ll ever get to experience that luxury.

She tells Trinity as much, struggling through choked sobs. “It’s never going to be that simple for me Trin.”

The playfulness of the presentations is forgotten as Victoria’s melancholy seeps out of her body. She’d started trembling at some point. Samira had pulled her closer, rubbing her shoulder to try and calm her. Whitaker looked a little helpless, holding a cup of water for her. Trinity had moved to join them, kneeling in front of her, eyebrows scrunched together as she takes in Victoria.

“Tough conversations are never easy, babes,” Trinity says, taking Victoria’s hand, “But you have to get them done to get the freedom you deserve.”

“I just don’t know what I could do, what I could say, to get her to agree.” She knows she’s being whiny, letting herself succumb to the same fear that’s been keeping her trapped all these years, but she can’t help it. Every conversation, every argument, every choice that has been made for her,  for her sake, weighs on her. It’s frightening and frustrating all at the same time, and it freezes her.

Then, Mel, sweet angel Mel, pipes up from Samira’s left. Voice gentle and kind, “What about a presentation?”

Victoria can’t help the laugh of disbelief that bubbles out of her at the suggestion. “ A frilly and cutesy presentation to convince Eileen Shamsi she should free me?”

Mel’s eyebrows come together just like they do when she’s concentrating on a patient, “With data, of course. She’s a doctor. Her entire field and way of life are fueled by data and facts. It’s worth a shot.”

Victoria shakes her head, the alcohol makes her exaggerate the action, “And then what?” She leans forward a bit with conviction, Trinity and Dennis both hold their hands out to steady her, “I don’t even know where I’d go if I could move out.”

Whitaker and Santos share a look, an unspoken conversation shared in a single second.

“You’ll figure it out, V. It’s okay,” Samira’s voice soothes. 

Santos clears her throat, clapping her hands, which startles Mel. “Also, you could literally just move in with me and Dennis anyway.”

Samira and Mel share a look while Victoria’s mouth drops open, a questionable squeak leaving her mouth. 

Santos just shrugs at her,  “Our lease is up in a few weeks, and our landlord offered us a three bedroom for the same price. Didn’t have any plans for a third room, so it’s yours if you want it.”

Victoria can’t make a sound. She can’t move; she’s stuck in place as her mind takes the time to process all she’s heard. It’s a bit of time before she grasps Trinity and Dennis' hands and nods. Some part of her can’t help but think that this is all a hallucination conjured up by her deeply inebriated brain, but there’s a small tendril of hope that she’s grabbed hold of. With no intention of letting go.

For once, Victoria Javadi sees hope in front of her. Years before she expected it.