#lestruths.txt

Like a pixie on acid...

Like genuinely, when did each day become some dull, excruciatingly long trail that I have to tediously crawl on all fours through, just to restart the same torturous cycle again? When did sleep or hobbies or taking a break become a liability? When did studying become something I can barely stay awake for? When did my love for learning die?

Ik I absolutely hated my GCSE period, but I highkey miss it. Back then, I used to have some semblance to life flowing in my bloodstream. I used to sit down and study all of my different subjects for hours, even when I hated trying to understand the motor effect for Physics or writing a code for Computer Science because I felt like I was conquering something when I finally got it right. I think that's how I managed to get better grades than I expected; studying was never an obligation, it wasn't quite "fun," but I still managed to find some inkling of light through it. Studying was something I did without thinking, something that lit a tiny fire in my chest that lit up the cold nights where I had nothing better to do. It gave me a sense of purpose.

And that's really ironic, because looking back, I don't think I would've said the same thing. I remember being almost as tired as I was now, upset that I gave up all my hobbies just to have more time to study. Now I'm back at taekwondo, starting at a new piano school, and picking up the pen and paper. But I still feel miserable. I still feel that bone-deep fatigue and blurry pressure behind my eyes. Because through it all, I feel guilty. I feel scared. Because I'm not studying as nearly as much as I'm "supposed" to. Because my flame is no longer solely my academia, it's been distributed among other things, rendering it weak and feeble.

But both of them are completely right

21.8.2025: All I ever wanted was the world

-MARINA, Primadonna

☆~Today's Accomplishments~☆

GOT MY FUCKING GCSE RESULTS AND OH MY FUCKING GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY DID THAT WELL WHAT??!?!?! THANK YOU UNIVERSE 🥹

12k steps hehe

Way too much food but extremely yummy

Emotionally supported my friends and got emotionally supported by my parents

Celebratory shopping :3

Taekwondo lesson!!

MY BROTHER COMPLIMENTED MY KICKS OMG

Most satisfying shower in the world

Haircare and skincare!!

Hopefully bed at a reasonable hour?!

The end :)

♡~Today's Reflections~♡

I'm so proud of my results, and utterly embarrassed that they mean this much to me...

Honestly, none of this feels real!! Even when I was still doing the actual GCSE's, it never quite sunk in that I was doing these important exams that could determine how ny future goes. Even now, I still can't quite believe that this chapter of my life is over. I almost mourn it; I'll never again feel that infuriating itch of the brain when I can't quite understand a physics concept, or the soul-freeing triumph of writing a code that works in computer science. But also, I have never felt so light before. Like someone scoured the depths of my brain for the grimey dust of doubt that had settled there and just wiped it all away. I don't at all feel confident in my abilities. I just feel... relieved. That my efforts were not for naught, that I proved to myself and others that I worked hard, that it's all over now despite how bittersweet it is.

I also can't help but feel so, SO silly for panicking so much over these exams. When I tell you that I was depressed, rotting in bed, crying all summer because I was perpetually PETRIFIED of having to face my results, I mean it. I wasted practically my whole summer frozen in fear that I would be a failure if I didn't get the results I wanted. And I did, anyway! And even if I ended up failing all my GCSE's like my mind had convinced me I would, I still think that wasting my summer like that was utterly pointless and probably the worst sin I've ever committed against myself.

It really made me realize how much self worth I have tied to these stupid numbers on a page, and while I'm proud of my accomplishments, I'm also ashamed that it took it had such a big impact on me. They're👏 just👏 numbers👏 and do not determine how much worth my life has!!! I should be able to sleep at night, eat properly, take care of myself regardless of whether or not there was a 9 on my report. I don't know why I'm so cruel to myself, because I certainly would never tell anyone else that they needed to earn their right to live through academic achievements.

But anyway, now I can finally enjoy the (very little) remainder of my summer holiday without being weighed down by those ponderous chains of result anxiety! Yayayayayayay

I hope future me isn't so harsh on herself during A-Level's lol

Not the romantic, lovey dovey, heart eyes way.

The "omg this book is so good" way

The "wow I had such a lovely day today" way

The "isn't the sky just so pretty?" way

The "you didn't need to do that, but thank you" way

The "no way! That's so cool! I'm so proud of you!" way

The "maybe I kind of enjoy being with myself sometimes. Just a bit" way

Ts hits different after an academic crisis