#lessbeans

Of course neither of us were saying anything because we're useless lesbians

Whenever we met up we were just sitting really far apart on the couch having cups of tea and doing crafts etc

One night we were watching a movie and we got closer. We leaned up against each other and shared a blanket. My heart nearly gave out.

She gave me a lift home and we had an awkward sideways hug in the car. I got out and she sort of... reached out?

Kind of affectionately?

It was really sweet?

So what did I do?

I shook her fucking hand LIKE AN ABSOLUTE F*CKING TWAT

Then we both started nervously laughing like "wtf are we doing" then I went inside, my insides literally shriveling within me from all the cringe.

I had no idea how to recover from this so next time I saw her I just camped it up, went in for a handshake all like "jolly nice to see you old bean" and I'm pretty sure she called me an "absolute bastard"

Anyway now we're together we do it to each other all the time completely out of the blue to make each other laugh and its just like 🥰🥰🥰

The selfies that I responded to with flames and heart eyes? The picture of you and your cat where I commented "Absolutely gorgeous! Nice cat too"?? The meme about a big lesbian (like you) picking up a small lesbian (like me) to which I replied with a gif of a surprised/giggly baby???

"Apples".

"Why, have you never tried a banana?"

"Not that it's any of your business but yes. I still like apples."

"So you don't eat bananas any more?"

"No."

"Did you have a bad experience with bananas?"

"Yes, I had to pretend to like them for 26 years to avoid the conversation we are currently having.

"... would you like to try my-"

If I tell her something that I'm not comfortable with/ask her to stop/say no to anything *in any context* (not just sex)

She says "Okay! Thanks for telling me!"/"Thank you for sharing" 😊😊😊<<< literally with this face and I've never been able to get my head around it, why is she thanking me for throwing a spanner in the works? And why is she so sickeningly cheerful about it?

Like, it's enough that she just says "OK" and stops without trying to negotiate my boundaries, but actually thanks me for setting them? It just felt super OTT. I know it wasn't her intention but I felt a bit patronised, and couldn't for the life of me do the mental gymnastics necessary to understand where she was coming from.

My gayrent's perspective on this is that my girlfriend knows what it's like to have boundaries tested and crossed. She knows how much it hurts. She knows how scary it is to try and set/ maintain them, only for them to be met with suspicion and hostility. She knows how much it takes to do it anyway. She knows exactly how it feels, and she's acknowledging this when she thanks me for speaking up.

In other words:

"Thank you for being brave."

"Thank you for being honest."

"Thank you for showing me how to love you in the best way I can."

"I WANT to love you in a way that makes you feel brave, honest, and valued."

And NEVER that by setting a boundary, I'm somehow stifling love or causing a problem.

I'm so used to "OK fine" being sour and temporary. There's still part of me that expects to have to tell her again, and maybe again after that? But I've never had to. I'm beginning to actually believe that her words are sincere. Her gratitude is sincere. Her promises are sincere.

It will probably take some more time for me to get accustomed to this. It's a sad state of affairs when safety feels so unfamiliar it feels unsafe, but I suppose it keeps my therapist in work!

And those moments when I *do* feel safe, I feel respected, and I just melt into her arms and allow her to care for me, even if it's just for a few minutes?

It's my 2 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Haha, two years ago I was in a new relationship with a wonderful woman. A history of abuse had left her very emotionally vulnerable and bombarding her with love was overwhelming for her. So I came here to dump all the feelings I felt it was too soon to verbalise, all the little moments that I was squeeing about, the absolute wonder of being gay (as I was pretty newly out of the closet myself).

Her reasons are her own.

But she sends me songs and memes that remind her of me.

She bought me a useful thing that I'd mentioned I kept forgetting to buy, for my birthday.

She spent days handmaking me my favourite cartoon character and gave it to me for Christmas.

She asks me if I've had enough to eat and drink.

She makes sure I'm warm enough.

Even when she's giving me affectionate strokes, she'll ask before touching my bare skin, no matter how many times we've tumbled into the bedroom before.

If she's even the slightest bit sarcastic she's made sure to tell me she was only joking however obvious it was, just in case she hurt my feelings.

If we make boundaries, she doesn't break them.

She doesn't push them.

She doesn't even approach them except to make sure she's not going near one.

She holds me gently in her gaze and in her arms.

I hear it in her voice, and see it in her eyes.

My girl doesn't do those three words.