May 22
do i let the ilya loving on shane’s stretchmarks thoughts out or nah
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do i let the ilya loving on shane’s stretchmarks thoughts out or nah
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TW/ SUICIDE
ugh I’m having one of those chemical days where I definitely did it to myself but today was mostly internal I still did things still ate still went outside but I don’t feel here I don’t feel like I want to be here right now
I’ve been harder on myself lately I’m feeling more negative about myself and my direction and it’s very telling of what I’m putting my energy into also moving back into my parents house, who are currently getting a divorce, is change on change. Whatever I’m solid I’m safe but that’s not enough to me I miss thriving it’s been a minute since I’ve felt great
Two finals tomorrow but that’s not the part I feel like dying over lmao that’s fine I’ll do that shit just so I can get back into bed
reminder
this is the life :)
I get up at 5.30 get dressed and go walk my dogs. Off to work I go. Making some money to go to college again this year. Regular days till 4.30. When I come home I cuddle with my dogs for a while. Some healthy cooking will have to be done. And if I'm really tired, fuck that I'll order something. Time for walkies again. Put some laundry in the machine, do the dishes. Then take a nice hot shower, with my favourite music on. I think I deserved that. Spend some time on the internet, cuddle some more with my dogs. Clear my mind. After I turned down all the things like the tv/radio/pc/lights I light some candles and burn some essence and just BREATHE and relax, try not to think for a while. Very calming. Read a little bit, maybe write a little. (yes I've been writing again (': ..). Last walk with the dogs for the day, preferably a long one in the silent night. Close the doors. Check if I turned off all the lights. Go back and check the locks. Then when I go to bed with a clear mind, I can go sleep. I'm not saying I'm not waking up anymore. I still have the most beautiful and most horrible dreams that make me feel so small and scared. I'm alone. But yk what, as long as there's no one around to make a mess of my schedule or say/do things I don't get or just simply hurt my feelings, I'll be okay. It may not be perfect, but it works. Finally something works.
So I haven't been on due to the lack of wifi in my house and my head is mainly a mess right now. Whenever I find time to myself I just close my eyes and/or sleep.
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