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[headsup- this one has some minor child abuse and bad parents, although it's implied that they get what they deserve in the end]
---
Things are getting worse.
The butterfly doesnât talk much, but they listen plenty. Apparently, theyâre safe to share secrets around. Is it because nobody would listen to them? Because of their stutter? Or because theyâre viewed as less than a bug, less than an actual member of society? They donât know, and it doesnât really matter which reason because itâs probably all of those reasons anyway.
They stifle a yawn, waft their wings, and hold them out again for the fancy bugs nearby to view. A late night party with rich food and fermented drinks and plenty of whispers and gossip.
Rumors of sickness. Famine. Disputes. Violent disagreements. Should we leave the City? Itâs probably more dangerous beyond. Have you heard if theyâre going to close the gates? That would protect us, right?
Leisken fans their wings again. They feel warm. Cautiously, they turn their head to observe more of the room. Is anyone else feeling this heat? It⊠doesnât look like it. They must be imagining it. Maybe itâs not having drunk anything in a while. Maybe itâs the discomfort of what theyâre hearing. Maybe itâsâŠ
YOU COULD KILL THEM, YOU KNOW.
Leisken jolts off their stool, falling to an undignified heap. Immediately, they attempt to scramble to their feet, but already Mother is storming over, her skirts and scarves roiling. With a tight grip on their arm, she jerks them up and drags them to the side of the room, away from the nearest cluster of socializing guests.
âWhat did you do?â she hisses.
âI-I-I j-jj- I just-â Leisken stammers, trying to keep from pulling away.
âWhat is it this time?â
âMm-mm.. Itâs-s-â
âWeakness is what it is. Youâre supposed to be working on that.â
âI c-cann- Iâll d-do bbetter- Iâll j-just-â They turn their head to look at their stool. Theyâll sit there if it means-
âNo. No no no, youâre done. You ruined it. If I let you go back out there..." She clicks in aggravation. "But I wonât. You donât deserve that. To your room. Donât bother any of the servants. Donât leave until I come for you.â
Their wings droop.
âNone of that. Retain your dignity.â
Leisken obediently fixes their wings to an approved angle. They notice Father standing nearby wearing his guests-think-Iâm-just-a-little-bored-but-actually-Iâm-furious-at-you face. Itâs hard to keep their wings from drooping again.
Mother waves her hand. âGo on.â
Stiffly, they turn and walk at a measured pace for the nearest side door. âSometimes, I donât know why we keep bothering with you,â Mother says under her breath but still where Leisken can hear. Theyâre sure they were meant to hear it. They resolve to do better next time. They make this resolution all the time. Theyâre not sure theyâve actually gotten any better at anything.
They stumble, but they make it to the door and slip out, almost catching the edge of a wing in their haste to put the door between themself and the ballroom. And hopefully that voice.
Miserably, they pass by a servant conveying a tray of food to the guests without interaction.
YOU COULD KILL THEM, YOU KNOW.
They trip as they whirl around. Again on the floor. They look around a little frantically, but they quickly stay their terror as the servant, an expression of concern, stops to look at them. But theyâre not supposed to interact! Leisken pushes themself to their feet and shuffles quickly away. To their room. Itâs nothing special. But they can almost be alone here. Almost be safe. Thatâs what they pretend, anyway. It helps. A little bit. Maybe.
But theyâre still warm. Uncomfortably so. Itâs never warm in here.
YOU COULD KILL THEM, YOU KNOW.
Where is that voice coming from?! Nobody should be in here with them! Tremulously, they speak: âH-hello..?â
No answer.
âPl-please⊠I n-n-need to- I ddonât want to k-k-k-kâŠâ
YOU DONâT HAVE TO WANT TO.
They breathe shakily.
ARE YOU HAPPY HERE?
Automatically, they nod, even though theyâre not sure what happy feels like. Theyâre not supposed to reveal their discomfort, much less their misery.
Silence. Warm silence. Hot silence. Oppressive silence.
Leisken stands stiffly and waits.
A gust of cool air washes over them along with Fatherâs voice: âYou missed the servantâs knock summoning you to breakfast. Surely, you arenât still trying to-- Oh?â
Leisken blinks and stiffly turns to see Father standing in the doorway.
âPracticing your form? Maybe youâre finally learning. Well. Come along, itâs time for lunch.â
Weakly, Leisken follows.
----
Things carry on as they did before.
Except not really.
All those things that Leisken had heard rumors about? They are becoming more than rumors. People are getting hungry and hurt and scared. Leisken is too, but they do their best not to show it. And when they feel the heat, they expect the voice to follow. They do their best not to show a reaction to either of those.
Theyâre losing it. They know that. Theyâve long suspected, but these are⊠These are hallucinations. Or something. Right? Not real. Nobody else feels the heat. Nobody else reacts to the voice. ⊠unless everyone else is hiding their reactions too?
One day, they notice that one of their antennae aches. Itâs not much, but they swear it feel hot even when the rest of their body isnât experiencing that sensation.
âLeisken. Stay focused.â
âR-right.â they mumble, adjusting their posture.
âHonestly, itâs like youâre trying to irritate me. âŠIâm waiting.â
They do a quick check of themself, but everything feels positioned how sheâd want it to be.
âYour antenna.â
âM-my..?â They thought they were holding them both in the same way, at the proper angle and curve. Hesitantly, they reach up to feel them. The one that always feels warm now is stiffer except for toward the end. The club part feels hotter than the rest. And heavier?
âSomething the matter?â
âMmgh.. I d-d-donât--â
âForget I asked,â Mother scoffs in an offended tone as she turns away.
Leisken suppresses a wince as they try to coax the stubborn antenna into an acceptable shape.
---
âWhy didnât you say anything to us about this?â
âI d-d-didnât-t-thin-nk th--â
âYou need to tell us about things like this. You understand that, right? We need you to look your best, and this? This isnât it.â Mother holds the antenna none too gently, but Leisken can barely feel her fingers over the heat. The swollen clubbed ending throbs painfully. âThis wonât do. You canât attend the party like this. People will ask questions.â
âO-ohâŠâ Not have to attend a party..? Thatâs.. Thatâs..! But, they shouldnât get their hopes up. And besides, the antenna is still...
Mother snaps her fingers toward another bug. âCome here. Take them to get this fixed. If it needs to be amputated, get a prosthetic. Asymmetrical antennae are not what people want to see.â
The servant bows and takes a step nearer Leisken who doesnât want anything amputated, but⊠What can they do?
---
âWeâve already had the servants stock it and move enough of our things over. Weâll go there soon enough. ...Leisken, stop playing with that. Youâll just mess it up, and with businesses closing their doors, who knows if weâd be able to get you a replacement.â
Leisken lowers their hand. Theyâre not used to having the prosthetic antenna. They think they look fine without it. And there are no bugs to show off to right now. Everyone here knows. And itâs not like theyâre symmetrical anywhere else.
Besides, the antenna still aches, still feels warm. But that swollen bit on the end... itâs good that was removed. The orange that oozed out startled the surgeon, but the servant assured Leisken that everything would be fine. Their parents wouldnât learn about this.
Theyâre soon told to pack up and be prepared to leave. But once theyâre in their room, they just sit on the hard bed. Whatâs there to pack up? Nothing. Their room is decorated with items that other bugs have picked out for them. They donât care to take anything with them.
They sigh and wonder when theyâll hear the voice again.
---
But itâs not until theyâre in the vault, safe and secure as the City falls apart outside, that the voice deigns to talk to them again.
DO THEY REALLY THINK THEYâRE SAFE HERE?
Leiskenâs breath catches.
DO THEY THINK I CANâT REACH THEM HERE?
They close their eyes and hug their arms to their body.
âLeisken,â calls Father sharply from across the room. Heâs making that face again. âItâs only been a couple weeks. Youâd better keep it together.â
They nod and try to relax their body. Theyâre hot, but they know itâs not because of their clothes. Nor the stuffy vault theyâre trapped in. Nor the constant judgmental presence of their guardians.
YOU COULD KILL THEM, YOU KNOW.
They donât want to-
IMAGINE! NO NAGGING, NO PRESSURE TO BE PERFECT AND PRESENTABLE!
They donât-
YOUâD FINALLY BE FREE TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO!
They-
YOU WANT THIS.
They do.
THATâS RIGHT. YOU COULD KILL THEM. EVERYTHING WOULD CHANGE FOR YOU.
It would.
It will.
It does.
---
Itâs so dark.
ITâS SO LIGHT, YOU MEAN.
Thereâs no purpose for anything.
JUST LISTEN TO ME.
Thereâs no point in hiding the bodies. Theyâre all hidden down here together. Forever.
FOREVER.
Alone foreverâŠ
NOT QUITE. YOUâRE WITH ME FOREVER.
With youâŠ
---
Time has no meaning in forever. Itâs always warm and light. Nobody judges them because thereâs nobody to judge. They donât have to adjust their posture because they donât have a body. Not really. Itâs not theirs. It hasnât been for a long time.
Leisken hasnât been in a long time.
Leisken was their name, right? Thatâs⊠that was them?
Why does that matter now?
Why does itâŠ
Where are theirâŠ
Whatâs over thâŠ
Oh.
...
TheyâŠ
They need to get out.
They fumble weakly at the locks and mechanisms. They cry and they shake and they try not to think. Theyâd gotten so good at not thinking.
Out! Theyâre out! They stumble out into the rain and collapse. What do they feel? They donât know. But they feel. And that feels significant.
Slowly, they force themself to rise. To stand. To lean against a crumbling stone wall.
Why do they feel so cold? More cold than this rain could make them.
Why do they feel so alone? More alone than the empty streets around them.
Theyâre tired and anxious and tired of being anxious. Theyâre also lonely. And very self-conscious. And find it hard to communicate. They can get a little cheeky if they warm up to someone, though!
