a meta on seidou's thoughts on Akira and Koutarou bc highkey i need more of my OT3 in my life
send me a topic to write a meta about my muse on (accepting!)
as much as seidou enjoys lying to emself, ey doesn't think that ey has the capacity to love the two people that ey cares about the most.
to be frank--first of all, seidou is jealous of both akira and koutarou--first, of akira.  seidou is the person who has to compete, and seidouâs own internal issues with eir inferiority complex and strong lack of self-worth have been externalized onto akira for as long as the two have known each other.  seidouâs envious of all of akiraâs achievements, shoved her onto some lofty pedestal thatâs unrealistic for the both of them, and continuously thinks âwhy arenât i as good as her?  what separates us?â and those negative thoughts have pushed seidou into a negative spiral when it comes to akira.
seidou does love akira. Â but ey doesnât think that ey does.
koutarou, though--koutarou is a person seidou has admired, but goes back down to that same sense of envy--seidou wants to earn what koutarou has, wants to push emself to be better, stronger, to be everything that koutarou is, because koutarou is liked, is admired, is the big damn hero of the twentieth wardâs ccg, and seidou wants to be admired in that same way.
seidou does love koutarou though. Â maybe in the same way ey loves akira. Â maybe not. Â but seidou doesnât think that ey does.
seidou is aware that ey is jealous of the two of them.  but seidou is so envious that it eats em up, and seidou doesnât believe that ey has the capacity to love another being, let alone someone eyâs so very jealous of, and it leaves this big empty hollow space in seidouâs heart, because seidou doesnât want to love people so strongly that ey is so jealous of, but yet--seidou does love them both.  seidou loves them both so strongly that ey can almost forget what hating emself feels like, but seidou canât admit that to emself, because seidou is too jealous and feels that ey are some sort of inferior, shame-filled not-quite-human thing wrapped up in human flesh.
