#leatherati

I was blessed with the means to see therapists during turning points in my life: coming out, being diagnosed with AIDS, and overcoming my addiction to alcohol. Each time the problem was different, but the solution was the same. I had to learn to love myself.

Men with big egos already love themselves, right? Maybe they are in love with their mirror image--those rippling abs and dynamic smile. Or perhaps they think their fancy car, hot boyfriend and big bank account is an expression of their success, and aren’t most people in love with success?

What about the shy or timid man? He must be keeping to himself because he thinks he too good for everyone else. Why share when all the world wants to do is take?

I have elements of both men in my personality. I value my time alone although I enjoy socializing. I like to be the center of attention in a room, but I cherish that deep conversation with the person in the back corner. I love to wear a flashy outfit in the middle of a big city where nobody knows me.

I should have been the well-rounded personality, yet I struggled with accepting myself for who I am. I didn’t want to be gay, HIV-positive or drunk. But I got the trifecta. And if I was ever going to be happy, I had to find a way to fight my inner homophobia, adhere to medications to become undetectable and lead a sober life.

Therapy helped because I discovered I didn’t melt, go up in flames or shock the therapist when I told my truth. I found that telling my story to someone made it easier to keep telling my story until I found other people with similar stories. And then I was no longer alone.

And in the process of telling my story, I found I was a good person and a likable guy. I told my truth and stuck to the truth so I could be trusted. Once I could trust myself, I discovered my emotions were shut down and I started to let my heart speak up. My therapists always listened, and I discovered other people were willing to listen to me, too. They began to trust my word, because I told my truth.

You may disagree with someone who has a different opinion than you, but if you recognize that person has integrity and is speaking his truth, you are more likely to respect him and his opinion. I learned this after I learned to love myself, once as a gay man, another time as HIV-positive and most recently as a recovered alcoholic.

Mr. Palm Springs Leather 2018, Jax Kelly

Technically, I've been gone a week. After leaving the U.S. last Friday we arrived in Sydney on Sunday, thereby missing an entire day due to the International Date Line. It is winter in Australia, which means my long summer days have been dramatically reduced. By the time I'm in Canberra (ironically further south), the mornings began with frost and I could see my breath in the air. Only last week I was sweating in Palm Spring's desert air in excess of 100 degrees Fahrenheit. 

Australia for me is all about the details. If I was kidnapped from home and my departure was concealed, I would hardly believe I had moved upon arrival because so much looks the same. My clues? The infectious Aussie accents that I am trying not to emulate in my speech. Cars driven on the left with the driver's seat on the right. An ordinary train ride with kangaroos bounding through the countrywide vista. 

A croque monsieur is a "ham and cheese toastie." Breakfast is "bray-kee." I inquired after pigeons and finally saw one. Then I became fascinated by the magpies and cockatoos. And despite the season, most of the trees and landscapes were remarkably green.

This week, I attended the annual conference of the Australian Historical Association at the Australian National University in the capital city of Canberra. The ANU students were on holiday for a week so that we (and three other conferences) could descend upon the campus and share books, papers and knowledge. I also took time out to see the federal capital building, the national museum, and experience the modernity of this relatively young city (much of it built in the last sixty years). 

During most vacations, I learn a location's history from tour guides while viewing significant points of interest. At the conference I heard about Australia's past from historians--people responsible for teaching the country's past to current and future generations. Most had pored over archival records, collected oral histories, and read volumes of books to re-create stories and events from long ago.

Perhaps more intensely than ordinary people, these storytellers were personally invested in the past. One presenter had gathered numerical data on the convict and slave trade of the British Empire and mapped out the routes traveled around the world by ships transporting men and women who lost their freedom. A series of papers presented the year 1968 from an American perspective followed by a global view and finally through a story of events in Adelaide that eventually expanded electoral representation throughout Australia.

Hundreds of papers were presented during the week and I heard only a small portion of them. Through papers on race, I learned about the conscious efforts of some Australians to apologize for the past treatment of indigenous people, and the nation's identity as one born of convicts, as well as Australia's overt racism at its founding.

My paper titled, "Hostility, Heroism and Hope: How to Have History in an Epidemic," and co-written by Oberlin history professor Clayton Koppes, was presented at the end of the week thus giving me an opportunity to  gauge what to expect from my audience. Our segment included a presentation by University of Adelaide professor Paul Sendziuk author of "Learning to Trust: Australian Responses to AIDS." I learned that Australia, unlike the U.S., was probably more humanistic and pragmatic regarding HIV/AIDS because they studied what Americans were not doing and decided to do it (e.g., condom distribution and needle exchanges). The Aussies are still learning though, as evidenced by this week's announcement that their universal health system will include Truvada as PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) in its formulary thereby dramatically reducing the cost of the drug for most citizens. 

All of my knowledge about Australia in the upcoming week will be a result of sightseeing, not lectures. I am awed by the impression America has made in Australia. I had to reckon with my horror and dismay that Australia's founding fathers looked at America's constitution as too liberal regarding birth citizenship and declined to define citizenship in order to exclude people of color. I was disturbed to overhear an Aussie say, "All the way with LBJ," not because it was a catch phrase to say he was all-in with a companion's plan, but because the phrase is a lingering memento of America's responsibility for the death of hundreds of Aussie soldiers in Vietnam.

The people I have met in Australia have been marvelous, especially my hosts in Canberra. With so much turmoil in the news, I appreciated the hospitality and warm-hearted welcome I received here. My next destinations include a few more days in Sydney, then on to Queensland and the Great Barrier Reef followed by a visit to Tasmania.

Wow! All the places I am set to visit in the next few weeks! The trip begins and ends with events that highlight my passion for HIV/AIDS advocacy. Next week in Canberra, the capital of Australia, I will be presenting a paper on the history of American AIDS at a convention of the Australian Historical Association. My co-author is Professor Clayton Koppes of Oberlin College. At the end of the trip we will be attending the International AIDS Conference in Amsterdam.

In between those events will be some fun time in Sydney, Hobart (Tasmania), Wangetti (Queensland). Then a few days in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam and a boat tour of the Mekong Delta. Next will be a visit to Hong Kong Disneyland before heading to Amsterdam.

If you will be in any of those cities in July, let me know. I’d love to get tips on where to visit and perhaps get a chance to meet you! I will be posting pictures on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram (search for “JaxKellyPSP” on these social media platforms). 

Also, be sure to visit the website PalmSpringsLeatherPride.org to learn more about the exciting weekend planned in the desert during October. Judges for the Mr. Palm Springs Leather 2019 contest will be announced there soon!

Jax Kelly, Mr. Palm Springs Leather 2018 

Years ago, while I was stumbling half-drunk down Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood wearing a very short sarong over a floppy thong a fellow drunk described the celebration as “lack of” gay pride day. I may have been shameless, but I was still proud to be partying in the warm California sun with hundreds of hot men. This day stood in stark contrast to the pride day I marched past St. Patrick’s Cathedral shouting, “Shame! Shame! Shame!” directed at Cardinal O’Connor and his homophobia during the early days of AIDS.

Perhaps pride marches and festivals are at a turning point. Last year West Hollywood cancelled its parade and held a resistance march. It’s likely more straight people are attending pride festivals than ever as fear of gays has subsided. We may have already arrived at the day when gay pride celebrations appear the same as ones for St. Patrick’s Day. If I can be Irish for the latter, why can’t straight people be gay for the former?

I suppose gay people could try to take back the event exclusively for the LGBT community. I’d love to see a parade down the center of downtown Palm Springs with gay leatherfolk and kinksters. Our Palm Springs Leather Pride weekend (www.PalmSpringsLeatherPride.org) is already one of the largest gatherings of leatherfolk in the country. Maybe we can make it even bigger by having a parade? This would probably work for a few years until the natural diversity of our leather community would include straight kinksters (who would surely begin to outnumber gay kinksters, right?).

My drinking days are behind me and I find self-fulfillment in doing charitable and educational work. Palm Springs Leather Pride will be October 25-28, 2018 and Palm Springs LGBT Pride is the following weekend, November 2-4, 2018. I look forward to promoting charitable and educational events during those weekends. And I just may see you at the pride parade and festivals, too!

Nearly two weeks later, and I am still mentally and emotionally processing the International Mr. Leather contest weekend. First of all, congratulations to James Lee, IML 40. I will never know firsthand the experience of being IML so I’m counting on him to share his experiences with the rest of us.

I will admit upfront that my reflections here are less than 100% candid. I want future contestants to be encouraged to compete in this classic event. I respect the institution that IML has become. And more importantly, I appreciate the effort by so many people I respect to put this contest on. For many it is a labor of love and I was awash in it. I am grateful for their efforts, hugs and encouragement.

It takes a lot of guts to go on the Auditorium Stage in Chicago. Part of the courage comes from the juggernaut many of us have been riding since obtaining the title that brought us to IML. All of us represented someone back home who cared about who we are and the sash we wear. I couldn’t go on stage without knowing I wanted to do my best to represent Palm Springs.

The other part of being on stage is your willingness and ability to perform. With 71 contestants each of us had a very limited time to show who we are to the judges. My application had three questions, each limited to 400 characters (including spaces). So any pretense of being a good writer was thrown away in favor of brevity. “Commas are your friend” was the advice I received from IML. The judges’ interview largely consisted of very broad questions drawn from the application. Not all the judges asked questions. In eight minutes the questioning was over. The question asked of me onstage during ‘Pecs and Personality” made sense upon later reflection, because I could understand how it was derived from my application answers.

I didn’t get to see how most of the contestants performed—my interview was done with only the judges in the room and only 10 of us were on stage during any portion of “Pecs and Personality.” The winner, James Lee, told me backstage about his cartwheel as part of his answer to his stage question. That, and his 90 seconds speech about his experiences in the leather community likely sealed his appearance in the top 20 and his win. He was in the moment—entertaining and self-revelatory.

I can’t say I was equally on point given I didn’t make the top 20. In my group of ten, I was always the last. The last interview and the last with a “Pecs and Personality” question. By the time I got my moments to shine, we had already been standing for hours in rehearsal or standing for hours for presentations by past IML winners. For this desert rat who puts on a jacket at 70 degrees, standing backstage for a very long time in just a jock and harness was chilling. I found myself wishing the stage klieg lights were more blinding, if only to warm me up.

Don’t hate me Palm Springs, but I was somewhat grateful not to make top 20. I had my speech memorized and ready to go, mind you. But I felt both the joy of the top 20 and the disappointment when 17 didn’t place. All of that happened in the two hours I was licking my own wounds.

I told the judges during my interview the one thing I enjoy that I didn’t put on my application was riding rollercoasters. IML took me for the ride of my life and it was well worth it.

In college, I became a member of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc. During my pledge period my brothers and I were told to memorize the poem Invictus by W.E. Henley. I decided to look at it after a long absence, because I’m memorizing my 90 seconds speech and I thought the poem equaled it in length. It does not. I guess the poem was just as painful to memorize given the pressure to get it right.

Henley wrote Invictus while he was hospitalized for tuberculosis of the bone and the amputation of his left leg. At the time, he was a young man who had suffered with arthritic pain in both legs since he was a boy. Obviously, the pain and distress expressed in the poem came from a profound experience.

My anxiety in preparing for IML (the International Mr. Leather contest) does not come close to Mr. Henley’s pain. But his message of perseverance rings true for me. Despite his pain, Mr. Henley states his gratitude for his “unconquerable soul” of which he declares himself “captain.”

Next week I’ll be posting about IML on Facebook and Twitter (search for “JaxKellyPSP” on either site). I’m looking forward to sharing my experiences with you and hope you find them informative and entertaining.

After IML, I will return to this blog. I thank everyone who has shared their comments with me about my writings. In this time when we all seem anxious and divided, I have endeavored to make this blog a haven of hopefulness and inspiration. See you again soon!

Mr. Palm Springs Leather 2018, Jax Kelly

The story I tell myself about my early childhood is that all went well. I had a roof over my head, a school to go to, clothes to wear. I got bullied for being fat (“jelly belly” rhymes with my last name). Yes, my clothes came from the “husky” boys department. Adult life had more challenges with homophobia, racism, and HIV/AIDS stigma.

There were times I struggled with trusting others and even myself. Was I smart enough? Qualified for this job? Am I a placekeeper or a pacesetter? My self-esteem was riding on the undulating waves of self-confidence.

My emotions became steadier as I learned to love myself. I had a breakthrough moment in my twenties when I visualized embracing myself at various stages of my life--my first day of school, the times I heard a racist slur, my first boy crush I told my younger self, “I love you!” By the time I got to hugging my present self, I was in tears.

Without self-love, I wouldn’t have emotionally or physically bounced back from my AIDS diagnosis. Self-love and a belief in a power greater than me saved me from abusing alcohol.

Perhaps the greatest by-product of learning to love myself has been my ability to share my gratitude and hope with others. Not everyone who goes through trauma in their lives can express compassion and empathy. Occasionally I stumble and let a snarky thought or word sneak out. But if I take a moment and reflect before I say anything, I often find time to turn an ugly thought around.

When I was training to become an emotional group facilitator I was taught to give criticism according to the following formula: first, ask permission to share the criticism; then begin with a compliment and follow with the criticism. The compliment should relate to something the other person has already said because it signals respect and acknowledges you are listening. It is a demonstration of empathy and may help the other person become more receptive to your criticism.

I still chide myself when I start an email or text message without a “Hi” or “Hope you’re well.” I try to take digital conversations off-line, avoid “send all” with emails, and make time on my calendar for face-to-face meetings so I can engage in personal conversations.

I think self-love has reduced any desire to be quick to angry when confronted by disagreeable people or events. Experience has taught me that indignities directed at me are often based on factors not directly related to me. I’ve learned to walk away from toxic people and seek enlightened and solutions-based folks to partner with in my advocacy and writing projects. In my title year, I’ve enjoyed meeting leatherfolk who inspire me, lift me up emotionally, and give me a sense of direction.

They say wisdom comes with age. I’m praying for some who have passed many birthdays to find their wisdom. I’m blessed to have collaborated with people from a diversity of backgrounds. And I’m hopeful we can treat each other with respect and love.

Mr. Palm Springs Leather 2018, Jax Kelly

After attending the 18th annual CLAW weekend and before I compete in the 40th International Mr. Leather contest, I pause to point out the former has existed for nearly a generation (20 years) and the latter for two generations. Considering the United States was formed twelve generations ago, our gay leather slice of history is rather young.

I like to think learning American history in high school helps us recognize when our free press, judicial system and representative government are being threatened. You don’t have to go to law school to know we have a Constitution. But without lessons in history, you might forget how former slaves and women won the right to vote. I suspect someday we may even have to teach children how marriage equality came about.

The leather community’s advocacy regarding HIV/AIDS is one of the ways I connect to our history. In an interview conducted by anthropologist and activist Dr. Gayle S. Rubin with author and archivist Vi Johnson at CLAW (see the picture above), I learned during the early years of the plague when AZT was expensive and inaccessible, a medication for horses with similar chemical properties was substituted because of its lower cost. Lesbians posed as lovers of recently-deceased gay men in order to put grieving families at ease (and often prevent them from discovering “gay” items in their “boyfriends’” homes).

I enjoyed seeing pictures of one of my Mr. Palm Springs Leather judges, Graylin Thornton, in the Leather Hall of Fame program section honoring Black Leather in Color, the first SM/leather magazine in the world written by and for people of color. Its first issue appeared in 1993. Although it ceased publication in 2000, as a writer, I think it would be great to revive the magazine. I’m hoping the two founders present at the awards ceremony will be asked back to CLAW to tape an interview.

At CLAW I heard stories about the demise and rise of leather clubs. At a time when leather bars are closing and the viability of the leather community is questioned, I find encouragement in these stories. Change is inevitable and history proves this. History also shows that change can be restorative, engaging, and can become sustaining. While we search our hearts and minds for solutions, I’ll be sure to examine the past to find lessons to bring our community forward for a few more generations.

Mr. Palm Springs Leather 2018, Jax Kelly