#iml40

I was blessed with the means to see therapists during turning points in my life: coming out, being diagnosed with AIDS, and overcoming my addiction to alcohol. Each time the problem was different, but the solution was the same. I had to learn to love myself.

Men with big egos already love themselves, right? Maybe they are in love with their mirror image--those rippling abs and dynamic smile. Or perhaps they think their fancy car, hot boyfriend and big bank account is an expression of their success, and aren’t most people in love with success?

What about the shy or timid man? He must be keeping to himself because he thinks he too good for everyone else. Why share when all the world wants to do is take?

I have elements of both men in my personality. I value my time alone although I enjoy socializing. I like to be the center of attention in a room, but I cherish that deep conversation with the person in the back corner. I love to wear a flashy outfit in the middle of a big city where nobody knows me.

I should have been the well-rounded personality, yet I struggled with accepting myself for who I am. I didn’t want to be gay, HIV-positive or drunk. But I got the trifecta. And if I was ever going to be happy, I had to find a way to fight my inner homophobia, adhere to medications to become undetectable and lead a sober life.

Therapy helped because I discovered I didn’t melt, go up in flames or shock the therapist when I told my truth. I found that telling my story to someone made it easier to keep telling my story until I found other people with similar stories. And then I was no longer alone.

And in the process of telling my story, I found I was a good person and a likable guy. I told my truth and stuck to the truth so I could be trusted. Once I could trust myself, I discovered my emotions were shut down and I started to let my heart speak up. My therapists always listened, and I discovered other people were willing to listen to me, too. They began to trust my word, because I told my truth.

You may disagree with someone who has a different opinion than you, but if you recognize that person has integrity and is speaking his truth, you are more likely to respect him and his opinion. I learned this after I learned to love myself, once as a gay man, another time as HIV-positive and most recently as a recovered alcoholic.

Mr. Palm Springs Leather 2018, Jax Kelly