#learningmylesson

Dont be tied down by someone that isn’t even really trying to fuck you.

What’s the point?

To live your life honestly, means to not live in fear.  

  Thanks to many men who have betrayed me, most recently Mr. R, I am now super sensitive to a man I am with looking at other women.  It’s as though I’m a cat who was beaten by a previous owner, and is therefore extra sensitive and shy to my new owner who has to work three times as hard to earn my love and trust.  I should come with my own label. Warning: Has Claws. Will bite.

  The night before the cruise, we went to Mr. Millionaire’s friend’s birthday party. On the way there, we decided to rename me – so I was introduced to all of his friends as Cady. His friends were nice.  The girlfriend of the guy whose birthday we were celebrating was hammered, but super sweet.  We sat at the bar where I made friends with the bartender who hooked us up with these amazing 48 hour fruit infused vodka shots.  Yes, I cheated and had vodka, but holy moly it was worth it.

  We mingled, and then settled in to a table where we cuddled up in the corner.  We played a game where we pretended he didn’t know me, and he came over and picked me up.  It was silly, but amazing foreplay. 

  The next morning we left for the cruise.  It was while we were standing in line that I started to notice that his eyes weren’t exactly on me, but more on the other girls boarding the ship.  It was as if in that moment, he realized he had brought the girl he was dating to the best place to pick up women – and although it was an open buffet, he wasn’t allowed to eat anything.

  At dinner we were sat at a table with three other couples.  A young couple who had obviously been dating a while, and were very familiar with one another, a married couple celebrating the husbands birthday, and a couple who obviously cruises frequently and always paid the extra money to get the fancier options on the menu.  We spent the next two nights with them.  On the fourth night we had a new couple that popped up out of nowhere. Mr. Millionaire kept whispering commentary about “The Invaders” in my ear all night.  He’s really good like that.  He even does commentary to shows & commercials on TV.

  Without getting too into our relationship, I will simply say this.  The cruise was where we had our first fight, and it almost felt like the beginning of the end to what was something I thought would be a life changing friendship.  I realized in that moment that naïve girl in me who was terrified of falling for this man, had fallen. 

  But the issue is that he saw me as perfect.  I’m SOooo far from perfect, but because of that, the second we had a fight I fear his image of me slowly started to fade.  Great!  My flaws were coming through and the “perfect” girl he thought he had been waiting his life for was slowly turning into somebody real. Somebody with weaknesses who had been damaged.

  These last couple of weeks have been hard.  It’s as if the fight on the cruise sparked multiple smaller fights that just kept building and building.  He kept talking about how we should be in some sort of “honeymoon” phase and shouldn’t be fighting.  It’s been so long since I’ve been in a “honeymoon” phase, or even a healthy relationship that I don’t know what that even is supposed to mean.  It’s some sort of requirement that I don’t think I could ever live up to. 

  I slowly realized that we were not going to be able to move forward unless we were able to put our arguments in the past.

  So, I did the one thing I’m 100% confident in, and wrote him a letter. 

  He agreed with having a fresh start, and it was followed by an amazing weekend.  As it happens in production, I got off late Friday after pulling together cuts of the latest show I’m working on for the producers and the network, so we didn’t end up eating until later that night.  This was the second Friday in a row where I had to push our dinner plans because of work. I felt horrible.  I had to work again on Saturday, and then we spent Sunday together playing games at Dave & Busters followed by a double date with his friends. 

  This last Tuesday, he was supposed to come meet my friends for Tacos.  I ended up having to work late, and didn’t text him.  He ends up not being able to go either way, but I never let him know I wasn’t going.   Apparently, this on top of working late on Fridays has made him very angry.  After apologizing multiple times, and acknowledging that it’s something I need to work on, I told him I would make it up to him.  Which he responded to by a “Nah. I’m Good” text.

  So I’m currently sitting at my desk at work, not freaking out. Just kidding. Completely freaking out! That my lack of texting him that I was working late is going to be the end, and I have the same sick feeling in my stomach that I had the night that Mr. R said “we need to talk”.

  Could this be the end to something that didn’t even get a fair beginning?  I really really hope not.  I would be heartbroken.  Because as stupid as it is, and as much as I don’t want to admit it, I fell for him.  But because I’m so scared of doing the “Dating” thing wrong, I think I did it wrong.

It has come to my attention both last night and this morning that I have been putting off a great many things. Lots of little things that when done at the proper time wouldn't have been too bad and probably not super difficult. However, because they have been left unattended for so long, they've begun to get spots, go bad, and start to smell a little bit funky...like this banana.

Oy! How much better it would have been for me to both eat the fruit and do the tasks in a timely fashion?! #learningmylesson

In response, I think I need to write down as many of these little "laters" projects and start doing them--now. So that's what I'm gonna do! I'm currently making a list. Time to breathe deep, start right now, and focus on the things that count.