#lbsplace

Why do we feel guilty when we say no? Why do we feel we have to justify our reasoning when we say no?  Feeling empowered to say no and not explain away why you are saying no is a lesson I learned many years ago.  I’m sure many of you can relate to saying yes to something when you really wanted to say no and then being angry or resentful about saying yes.  Sometimes we misplace that anger onto the person we said yes but really wanted to say no to, and if we are really honest with ourselves, it makes no sense, because the person you should really be angry with is you.  

I was one of those people who felt if I was really honest and said no to something I didn’t want to say yes to, the person/s wouldn’t like me, or would be insulted. I felt like I had to explain the reason why I wouldn’t or couldn’t do something even to the point of embellishing the reason why I was saying no, just so that I didn’t have to deal with feeling bad. But I felt bad anyway because I wasn’t being honest with myself or the person/s.

One of my brothers who had somehow mastered the skill of saying no challenged me to change this behavior because I had been complaining about it so much.  He suggested that the next time someone asked me to do something that I really didn’t want to do, to just say no and resist the urge to explain why I was saying no. Trust me, it was actually harder than it might sound.

Think about this, does explaining the reason for you saying no going to change the bottom line…the answer no?  It might make the person feel better about your no, but the answer still is no, isn’t it?  

Of course the opportunity to conduct this little test came all too soon and I was asked to do something that I really didn’t want to do. it was during a phone call and I remember feeling very anxious as the moment of truth was drawing near and then I actually uttered the words, “no, I won’t be able to do that”.  Well, ok, that wasn’t as honest as I really wanted it to be because truth is, I was able to do it but I didn’t want to do it, but I felt saying that would have more brutally honest than I was able to manage getting out of my mouth, especially for my first go round. What happened next was also very eye opening-my brother had cautioned me that it might happen. The person paused and waited for me to explain why I had declined their request…I could feel the “why”???? hanging in the air, it was almost tangible, but I resisted the urge to explain why I said no. Of course, what followed was a very pregnant uncomfortable pause, and then the conversation resumed for a few more minutes and then it was over. 

I’m sure the person was disappointed that I didn’t agree to what it was that they were asking and I ‘m also sure that the person was perplexed as to why I said no probably wondering, if I was sick, going to be out of town, or some other reason that would have made my no justifiable-to them. It was probably unfathomable that the reason could be that I simply didn’t want to. I wish I could tell you that I felt good after I had done it, but quite frankly, the truth is, I felt guilty. You see I was a part of the people pleaser club and saying no even when I wanted to just wasn’t a part of my makeup at the time. Somehow, through some set of examples or life experiences up to then, I’d been taught and somehow accepted, that you were supposed to always say yes, even if you didn’t want to.

The good news is that after that initial experience, I had a lot of other opportunities to continue to change my people pleasing yes behavior and hone using my newfound power of saying no, and each time, I felt better and better. Better because I was finally being true to myself and being honest with the person. And when I did say yes, it was truly coming from an authentic genuine place.