#lb5

Ancestry and Background

Aphrodite is a giant robot of course, but her smaller body is still pretty organic-looking, so I made it a Protector Aasimar. that gives her +1 Wisdom and +2 Charisma, as well as Darkvision to clown on mortals, Celestial Resistance against radiant and necrotic damage, Healing Hands for some extra HP, and the Light Bearer cantrip for when you want to take pity on them.

At third level you can activate your Radiant Soul once a day for up to a minute, letting you fly and add your level in radiant damage when you damage someone.

as for your background, “literal god” isn’t a valid background, but we can at least give you a god complex by making you a Dimir Operative. we’re also picking this for its extended spell list, and by that I mean literally one cantrip. also, you get proficiency in Deception and Stealth.

Ability Scores

Aphrodite’s highest ability score is her Charisma, naturally. second is Wisdom for multiclassing and magical defenses. after that is Constitution. we’re not going to make you metal, but you should still be able to take a hit. your Intelligence is above average since you’re an immortal godbot, but that means your Dexterity and Strength are a bit lacking. no proble, you can just make a robot to do the heavy lifting for you, and you’ll be spending most of your biggest fights in a spaceship anyway.

Class Levels

1. Bard 1: starting as a bard nets you proficiency in Dexterity and Charisma saves; as well as any three skills from the bard list, i.e., any three skills. Pick up Persuasion and Intimidation to round out your charisma skills, and Religion, because naturally.

you also get Bardic Inspiration, which you can pass off to a party member as a bonus action to add a d6 to one of their future skill checks, attack rolls, or saves in the next minute. You get an amount equal to your charisma modifier every day.

speaking of Charisma, that’s what you use to cast your Spells! with these, you get two cantrips like Friends and the dimir operative-exclusive Encode Thoughts. I’m sure your memory has plenty of space in it, but being able to back up the important stuff is important. this spell lets you turn a memory or idea into a physical object, which can then be decoded by someone else casting encode thoughts or detect thoughts on the object. it’s almost completely useless but it’s cool, dammit.

as for your spells, Command and Sleep let you force your will on people, Dissonant Whispers is our first foray into frying minds, and Disguise Self will let you hide away and spy on Galatea. I think that’s how that event went, right?

2. Bard 2: gods have plenty of free time, so I’m sure you’ve picked up enough hobbies by now to be a Jack of All Trades so you can add half your proficiency bonus to all your ability checks that aren’t already using proficiency. you also get a Song of Rest for additional healing on short rests, but gods don’t get hurt, so it’s not going to get much use.

your Magical Inspiration lets your allies add their inspiration to their spell damage or healing too.

speaking of, you can Charm Person now to… charm people. duh. not getting mage armor is kind of playing with fire, but we’ll make up for it by getting a spaceship later.

3. Bard 3: at level three you get Expertise in Persuasion and Deception, doubling your proficiency bonus with those skills.

you’re also a Glamour bard now, so you can put on a Mantle of Inspiration as a bonus action. when you craft it, you can give Charisma Modifier creatures temporary HP, and they can use their reaction to move up to its speed without getting opportunity attacks.

even better, your Enthralling Performance lets you enslave the townspeople to your cause. if you perform for at least a minute, Charisma Modifier members of the audience have to make a wisdom save or they’ll be charmed by you for up to an hour. they won’t notice if they succeed, and if they fail they won’t fight on your behalf unless they’d already do that. this is pretty strong, but it’s balanced by the fact that you can only use this once every… short rest? wow, wild.

speaking of charming people, you can now give them a Suggestion on how to spend their next action, or give them a trigger that will activate at some time in the next 8 hours.

4. Bard 4: fourth level bards get their first Ability Score Improvements, so round up your Wisdom and Charisma for stronger spells, more inspiration, and better mantles. you also get Vicious Mockery this level so you finally have a cantrip that deals damage, and Lesser Restoration. I don’t remember if Aphrodite gets debuff resistance in her boss fight, but I can’t imagine a god that gets sick or gets poisoned.

5. Bard 5: level five is great for bards. your Font of Inspiration lets your inspiration recharge on short rests for a ton more help each day, and they add d8s now to boot! you also get third level spells, and Clairvoyance lets you spy on any space you’ve been before, creating a sensor there you can see or hear through. Your true body’s always in orbit, so it’s no surprise you can see more than people would think.

6. Bard 6: sixth level bards get countercharm but forget that you also get a Mantle of Majesty! as a bonus action you cast command for free, and for a minute afterwards you can cast command every bonus action, again for free. creatures charmed by your enthralling performance automatically fail their saves here, but this feature only works once a day.

you also get the best aphrodite spell, Enemies Abound. now it’s a complete crapshoot whether your enemies will attack you or their allies! for once the action economy can work in your favor.

7. Bard 7: seventh level bards get fourth level spells like Confusion. now everything’s a crapshoot. hit an area, every creature makes a wisdom save. if they fail, they have to randomize their moves every turn. not quite as direct as we’d like, but it’s definitely in Aphrodite’s wheelhouse.

8. Bard 8: use this ASI to max out your Charisma. naturally.

it’s also been a while since our last direct damage spell, so: Raulothim’s Psychic Lance. we’ll get better lasers later, but an auto-targeted attack is always fun. unless it’s targeting you.

9. Bard 9: ninth level bards have a stronger! Song! Of! RESSSSTTTT!!! but that scaled down from being useful like 4 levels ago so it’s a good thing you also have fifth level spells. Synaptic Static lets you blast everything in a 20 foot radius, forcing an intelligence save from all of them. each creature takes plenty of damage on a failed save, and they also subtract a d6 from all attack rolls and concentration saves for up to a minute, unless they pass another intelligence save. putting all your stock in charisma saves is so 2020, you gotta diversify if you want to girlboss properly.

10. Bard 10: tenth level bards get a d10 for their inspiration dice, as well as the cantrip Prestidigitation because it’s the gift you give to the girl who has everything. and I do mean everything, because this level you also get Magical Secrets, letting you pick up two spells that you can ca st from anywhere in the game. spells like Melf’s Minute Meteors for some more laser action, and Create Spelljamming Helm. that last one’s a little expensive at 5,000 gold per cast, but it turns any chair you poke into a spelljamming helm, which you can install on just about anything to make a spelljammer ship. boom, spaceship body achieved.

also you get another round of Expertise for Intimidation and Religion.

11. Bard 11: eleventh level bards get sixth level spells, like Mass Suggestion. It’s Suggestion, but en mass.

12. Bard 12: now that you’re as magical as you can be, use this ASI for the Metamagic Adept feat, which gives you two sorcery points and two ways to use them. Distant spell will make it easier to cast magic from your spaceship body by doubling the range of a spell you’re casting, while Extended spells double the duration instead. we’re trying to emulate a god here, and the spelljammer also eats magic, so it pays to be economical.

13. Bard 13: at level 13 you get another song of rest upgrade but even better you get a proper laser barrage from Prismatic Spray. with this you blast out a 60’ cone that deals a random damage type to each creature who fails a dexterity save, or it might petrify someone or send them to another dimension. fun times for everyone who you aren’t angry at!

14. Bard 14: fourteenth level glamour bards have an Unbreakable Majesty, which permanently makes you very pretty. you can also spend a bonus action to force anyone trying to hit you to make a charisma save or they’re forced to choose a new target. even if they succeed, they have disadvantage against your spells next turn. again this is super powerful, thank goodness this only works once a- short rest again?? and somehow rerolling one saving throw is too powerful for fighters to have, I see how it is.

you also get more Magical Secrets. Tasha’s Otherworldly Guise lets you get properly godly, with a flight speed, status immunities, and extra damage, while Power Word Pain lets you blast some poor bastard’s head so hard their brain breaks in twain. a creature with 100 HP or less like some kind of regular human instantly gets pained for as long as it takes them to make a constitution save. while affected, they slow down to 10 feet per turn, and have disadvantage on all attacks, checks, and saves, aside from constitution saves. speaking of, if they want to cast any magic, they have to make a constitution save to avoid wasting the spell slot.

15. Bard 15: more bigger inspiration, plus the 8th level spell Glibness. for an hour after casting, all your charisma checks roll at least a 15, and you’re always telling the truth, at least as far as polygraphs care to tell. with maxed out charisma, glibness, and expertise, you now get at least a 30 on all charisma checks, which is just overkill.

16. Bard 16: with this last ASI grab the Alert feat for a +5 bonus to initiative and immunity to surprise and the most common way to get advantage on attacks against you. you’re really a giant weapons platform in space, it just makes sense that you can see people coming.

17. Bard 17: at long last, we get the most powerful feature a bard can wield- Song of Rest now heals 1d12. also a ninth level spell slot, I guess that’s neat too. True Polymorph lets you turn a creature into an object temporarily, or an object or creature into another creature permanently if concentration is held for an hour. boom, Galatea is born. you’re welcome.

18 Bard 18: okay I lied there’s something better than one level 9 spell. two level 9 spells! with your last round of magical secrets you can now choose from literally every spell in the game. with Astral Projection you can head down to the surface while leaving your actual body up in space, letting you get up to some real bullshit. it doesn’t even have a duration, since it only ends when you say it does, or when someone casts dispell magic on you or your astral projection. there is a sliiight chance that you’ll die instantly if something cuts your cord, but it’s probably fine, right?

you also get Psychic Scream- up to ten creatures within 90 feet of you need to make an intelligence save, and if they fail they take damage and get stunned. it also literally says their head explodes if they die this way, which is fun. the stun doesn’t have a duration btw, it’s just until they make the save.

19. Cleric 1: the last bit of bard is bad, so instead we’re heading to the least official UA content to ever not exist, the Love cleric! at level one you can create an Emboldening Bond between two creatures. while bonded creatures are near each other, they can add a d4 to an attack, check, or save once per turn. this lasts an hour, or until you use it again, and you can use the feature once per day or by spending a spell slot.

speaking of, you can cast and prepare Spells using your Wisdom. Resistance and Guidance are classic godly spells to make yourself a little bit better than mortals, and you also get Charm Person and Heroism for free. I also recommend grabbing Guiding Bolt for another kind of laser you can blast out, and Ceremony for shipping.

20. Cleric 2: second level clerics can Channel Divinity once per short rest. sure you can Turn Undead, but the fun option is the thing love clerics got unpersoned for, Impulsive Fatuation. make someone fall in love with you for all of six seconds- if they fail their wisdom save they’re charmed for a round and have to use their reaction to attack a creature of your choice or admire you.

Pros & Cons

Pros:

you have access to several kinds of debuffs that activate in several ways, making you a lot more flexible than older charm-heavy bards were. if something is equally charismatic or otherwise immune to your whiles, just blast them until they’re seeing stars. you also have the most powerful debuff ability of all, being hotter than other people. with a minimum roll of 32 on all the charisma checks that matter, if it comes down to a he-said-she-said argument you’ll win it nine times out of ten.

Even outside of your space ship, you can fly. a significant portion of this game is completely trivialized by that fact, rendering tons of monsters and traps useless thanks to just not being around to get hit.

you’re also pretty good at getting information, with several ways to spy on people for blackmail or just to see how they tick.

Cons:

to get your immortal spaceship body you have to live to level 10 first though, and since we picked up exactly 0 defensive options you’d better hope you can stay on your enemy’s good side long enough for everyone else to kill them.

even if you do get your spaceship, you still have to deal with being the squishy center of the whole operation. the odds of someone coming onboard to kill you are low, but they’re never zero.