#lawopen

Ann Arbor, MI – Doctors, students, and religious clergy were shocked this evening following yet another miraculous, all-school e-mail message, the second in as many months—this time targeted at students using "extra" time on final exams.

"I've been diagnosed dyslexic since fourth grade, and it's been an enormous struggle just getting to law school," said Rory Mize, a 1L and aspiring public defender. "But then I read this e-mail, right? And I realized, maybe my learning disability wasn't just affecting me, my parents, and the many educational and medical professionals who've helped me to this point—maybe it's also inexplicably aggrieving some tetchy asshole."

"So I just stopped being dyslexic."

"Extra" time is usually made available to students with learning disabilities or A.D.H.D., but can also be extended to people with other seeing, hearing, or bodily function disability, including something as temporary as a hand cast. But across the school, dozens of people suffering from qualifying conditions realized they didn't need to utilize "extra" time.

"All those doctor visits, getting school accommodations months in advance, dealing with the already-present social stigma of utilizing it…I didn't need to do any of that," Mize continued. "Because it might mean the difference between some nimrod getting a C+ and a B-."

Physicians and doctors specializing in cognitive and learning disorders were likewise stunned by the great leap forward in their field.

"It just never occurred to us to tell [these students] to just stop needing extra time—because according to all available science, obviously that wouldn't work," Dr. Loretta Ulibarri of the University of Michigan Health System told Ipse Dixit. "And even if it did, you'd have to be an unstoppable, socially inept jerk to insist on it, let alone en masse to an entire group of students."

Students were unsure, at least initially, how this might affect the law school and—more important than anything—the curve for 1L students.

"The newly-formed Disability Rights Organization has gone a long way in educating and organizing for disabled students in the law school community," 2L and DRO member Liz Salcedo said, "But I guess we'll just disband now?"

Going through the night, legal and religious scholars were still grappling with the repercussions. The e-mail not only was the second such miraculous work from a certain wonder-student (of three needed for sainthood), but it also rendered whole portions of the ADA and IDEA pointless.

If you're interested in getting involved in supporting disabled students on campus and disability rights in general, find out more about the DRO here. And you can donate to support the Disability Rights Education and Defense Fund here.

Ann Arbor, MI — A little e-mail can go a long way, says James Boyd (2L). He cites his "personal angel" for finally providing the little nudge he needed to quit smoking.

"I'm a completely new person," gushed Boyd. "I quit smoking, stopped eating Lawyers Club soup, started composting, and registered to vote!"

LawOpen e-mails normally range from the mundane ("WTB: Books"), to the weird but innocuous ("WTF: Models"), to the ire-producing ("Victim Myth"/WTF: Advil"). But at press-time, this LawOpen e-mail—which aggressively complained about Boyd’s conduct to the student body—is the first to verifiably save a life.

Friends of Boyd were thrilled to learn that someone had been successful in getting through to him, though they were admittedly perplexed that it took 25 years for him to learn of smoking's well-documented health hazards.

"Yeah, I guess we never brought it up because we assumed the near-constant barrage of uncomfortable smoking ads on TV would've—you know—clued him in," shrugged Kelly Chavez, 2L and Michigan Health Law member. "I think it's great that he quit, joined three club boards, ran a half-marathon, and somehow donated to Nannes, all because of LawOpen.”

"Killing myself? Sure, ok," Boyd told Ipse Dixit in between yoga sessions. "But moderately inconveniencing some tetchy asshole? I realized I had gone too far, and I had to change. Thanks, LawOpen."

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Ann Arbor, MI — As cuffing season approaches, Julio Perry (2L) is expecting to find himself alone once again.

And not for lack of effort. As told to Ipse Dixit, Perry has been attempting to find a date to go along with him to a home football game since last year's Week Nine matchup versus Maryland—"59-3…the only who didn't score that day was me." He recounted his process to us.

"I try—every couple weeks I've tried—to work up the courage to find a date over LawOpen, but to no avail. 'WTF: [Want To Find] 1 White Female,' I'll write. Sometimes I'll add in my dream girl’s hair color (brunette), hair length, and skin tone."

The email–cum–personal ads, which follow an influx of similarly-addressed LawOpen emails around home football games, typically promise additional items in exchange for the proposed date: beer, alcohol, baked goods. Perry has even, to his shame, offered cash. But yet, he still hasn't found his "one [white female]."

"This isn't to say the responses aren't great," Perry, forlorn, concluded. "They are. But everyone only wants to offer me their MCard. I have to keep baking brownies for classmates to not embarrass myself."

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