Ipse Dixit

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“I’ll set it up later”

"This is beginning to get suspicious."

Cabo San Lucas, MEXICO – Sand in his feet, wind in his hair, a clear sky, and not a care in the world, 2L Michigan Law student Billy Lamontagne began to worry: perhaps he was too relaxed.

"After hour three of working on my tan and reading my Kindle, I noticed that I hadn't been preoccupied with schoolwork, deadlines, or my enormous, life-destroying loan burden for the past couple days," Lamontagne, of Laurel Springs, New Jersey, told Ipse Dixit.

"That when I knew something was wrong."

Inter-semester break has begun to take its toll this week, as students across the school have been becoming—what they term—"suspiciously relaxed." The experience, ranging from moments of loosening the shoulders to even days of not worrying about getting cold-called, has set in particularly drastically for 2Ls with secure summer employment.

"Last year we had to find jobs, worry about grades, networking. But those don't matter anymore" said Alexia Zinke (2L), "So I must be forgetting something."

"I slept 9 hours straight and couldn't think of any reason why I should feel guilty about that. What an awful experience," Zinke concluded. "It's terrifying."

Administrators attribute the unprecedented relaxation to this year's extra-long break but cautioned students to not remember their various responsibilities, calling it the "calm before the storm."

"Students often feel like they have too much to do, that they can't just take some time to breathe," Assistant Dean of Academic Life Liz Ellison said. "And they're absolutely right. It’s totally irresponsible to enjoy yourself. You still have first-day assignments, journal work, and clerkships apps to get together. Stay on your grind, 2-4-7."

At press time, Lamontagne was anxiously refreshing LawOpen, just to make sure other students weren't getting better deals on books while he sat on a tropical beach.

Dallas, TX – Not ten minutes after checking Wolverine Access to see if grades were posted (none were), 1L Justin Bueche's brain had a novel idea: he should check again because, probably, one of the his professors had just finished and submitted them.

"I know grades aren't due until January 25th," explained Bueche's befuddled, Christmas break-wrecked brain. "But they could be posted today. Wouldn't that be nice?"

"And anyway, why would my professors want that deadline hanging over their head?" concluded the brain, which itself only works within the 24 hours before a deadline.

Friends of Bueche report similar wild thoughts and obsessive refreshing, in what scientists can only speculate is some sort of mass hysteria or—potentially—dormant ergot poisoning from last month's Lawyers Club mushroom risotto.

"For some reason, it just hit me: instead of relaxing during my break, I should be nervously checking my grades," 1L Deb Penman told Ipse Dixit. "I mean, on one hand I understand that however big a deal these grades are, when they get posted is totally out of my control. On the other hand, what if it weren't?

Upon refreshing Wolverine Access and deftly avoiding signing up for Duo, Bueche's brain was "shocked" to discover that—again—no grades had been posted and was, reportedly, already eagerly planning what to do for the next ten minutes until it compelled Justin to check once more.

The writers of Ipse Dixit would like to apologize for our most recent post about extremism, which has been archived. The original post is insensitive, and we sincerely regret that readers were hurt, since our project has been—and always will be—to bring levity to the law school experience. While often times that means engaging in delicate topics, we agree that the post lacked appropriate tactfulness and used an extremely serious situation as a prop for another joke.

We would also like to thank members of the MLaw community for making it clear to us that we not only missed the mark but should rethink the way we approach certain subject matters with which we are unfamiliar, as well as our consideration of how readers may receive such stories.

Ann Arbor, MI – Doctors, students, and religious clergy were shocked this evening following yet another miraculous, all-school e-mail message, the second in as many months—this time targeted at students using "extra" time on final exams.

"I've been diagnosed dyslexic since fourth grade, and it's been an enormous struggle just getting to law school," said Rory Mize, a 1L and aspiring public defender. "But then I read this e-mail, right? And I realized, maybe my learning disability wasn't just affecting me, my parents, and the many educational and medical professionals who've helped me to this point—maybe it's also inexplicably aggrieving some tetchy asshole."

"So I just stopped being dyslexic."

"Extra" time is usually made available to students with learning disabilities or A.D.H.D., but can also be extended to people with other seeing, hearing, or bodily function disability, including something as temporary as a hand cast. But across the school, dozens of people suffering from qualifying conditions realized they didn't need to utilize "extra" time.

"All those doctor visits, getting school accommodations months in advance, dealing with the already-present social stigma of utilizing it…I didn't need to do any of that," Mize continued. "Because it might mean the difference between some nimrod getting a C+ and a B-."

Physicians and doctors specializing in cognitive and learning disorders were likewise stunned by the great leap forward in their field.

"It just never occurred to us to tell [these students] to just stop needing extra time—because according to all available science, obviously that wouldn't work," Dr. Loretta Ulibarri of the University of Michigan Health System told Ipse Dixit. "And even if it did, you'd have to be an unstoppable, socially inept jerk to insist on it, let alone en masse to an entire group of students."

Students were unsure, at least initially, how this might affect the law school and—more important than anything—the curve for 1L students.

"The newly-formed Disability Rights Organization has gone a long way in educating and organizing for disabled students in the law school community," 2L and DRO member Liz Salcedo said, "But I guess we'll just disband now?"

Going through the night, legal and religious scholars were still grappling with the repercussions. The e-mail not only was the second such miraculous work from a certain wonder-student (of three needed for sainthood), but it also rendered whole portions of the ADA and IDEA pointless.

If you're interested in getting involved in supporting disabled students on campus and disability rights in general, find out more about the DRO here. And you can donate to support the Disability Rights Education and Defense Fund here.

"Nothing in the Common Law nor UCC would support such a so-called clause."

Ann Arbor, MI — Everyone has to learn the news some time, but it's always a little sad when it happens. For 1L Mike Chaisson, that moment came today, when he finally realized that "The Santa Clause" isn't real.

"I had just finished with my Contracts final, when it dawned on me," Chaisson, of Fayetteville, NC said, "Absolutely nothing in the Common Law nor UCC (Universal Commercial Code) supports such a so-called clause—I mean, if it’s not void, it’s certainly voidable."

"The Santa Clause," referring to the infamous legal clause from the 1994 Disney Christmas fantasy-comedy classic The Santa Clause, provides that anyone who puts on Santa Claus's suit assumes his responsibilities to deliver Christmas gifts to all the good little boys and girls across the world. The Clause, however, deviates significantly from the standard, contractual offer-acceptance.

"I can't believe Frier kept me in the dark about this for so long, referring to this 'Santa Clause' as if it were a real carve-out to the Statute of Frauds," an increasingly frantic Chaisson told Ipse Dixit. "What else might not be real? Culpha in Contrahendo? Unconscionablility? The Four Corners?"

"What if there's really five?!"

The John and Teresa D'Arms Distinguished University Professor of Classics and Roman Law Bruce Frier, meanwhile, was quick to downplay the significance of the student's supposed revelation.

"This was really a discussion for him to have with his parents, yes? But if we assume that the contract functions under the Restatement (Second) of Contracts §308, with a little Christmas magic courtesy of Karl Llewellyn—well, from there it's obvious, though my co-author JJ White may disagree."

At press time, Chaisson was still flipping through Chirelstein's supplements, attempting to find a basis for the contractual obligations that might arise after accidentally killing Santa Claus, let alone where the consideration and meeting of the minds might be for the titular Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause.

"Of course,” Chaisson concluded, “There could be an Escape Clause carve-out in Louisiana Civil Code, but I'd have absolutely no way of knowing."

Smith Law Library, Ann Arbor, MI – It's a sad day for the Michigan Law community, as the search for missing 1L Dennis Kenny has been officially called off following a three-day long sweep of the Law Library’s law student-only underground levels, aka “The Subs.”

"We regret to announce we have stopped searching for Dennis Kenny," announced Michigan Law librarian Debra Frye. "And though our large collection of academic materials, resources, and Law Library support staff provide ample sustenance for the mind, they do not provide actual food, so he is obviously dead."

The search for Kenny, of San Luis Obispo, CA, started shortly after his Thursday morning Civil Procedure final, when he did not appear at his sections post-finals celebration. Students report that this was the first red flag, followed shortly by a series of troubling LawOpen e-mails—first taken in jest—about lacking motivation and "feeling lost."

"Our records indicate that he swiped into the main entrance at approximately 12:37 PM and promptly checked out the Chirelstein on Contracts supplement," Frye continued. "We began to get worried when no one saw or heard from Kenny again for eight hours."

"But thanks to our swift, diligent action, tragedy was avoided," Frye concluded. "We were able to recover the supplement."

Search crews were able to recover the bodies of a number of other students who had previously gone missing in the stacks and subs, three among MJIL archives alone. But after over 72 hours—just prior to the Law Library calling off the search—and a full sweep of sections KF through KL of Sub 2, teams had still not found Kenny.

Peers and friends of Dennis, meanwhile, were quick to jump into action, shooting off many "WTF: Dennis Kenny" Lawopen e-mails and replying with "+'s" ranging from "+1" to an unprecedented "+1000000000."

"The first 48 hours are the most important when searching for a missing person," Corinna Holmquist, an individual police have identified as Kenny's nearest friend and person most likely to know his whereabouts, told Ipse Dixit. "Unfortunately, I had to study for Con Law, so you know, I haven't gotten around to actually looking just yet."

"You saw my LawOpen e-mail, though, right?"

At press time, Kenny was reportedly still hard at work studying UCC 2-207 in the Sub 3 Computer Lab, which everyone had forgotten existed.

A vigil is scheduled for tomorrow at 12 PM in S221 (near the Circulation Desk), according to the Law Library's website. Everyone in the law school community is welcome to attend. A non-pizza lunch will be served.

Ann Arbor, MI – Well, you hate to see this. Ipse Dixit is sad to learn that three children have passed away after student Jack Zang (1L) of Springfield, IL, has spent $15 every day since classes ended last Friday.

"We always say, 'just $5 a day could mean the difference between life and death for a child in need,' you know," Charles Daniels of the United Christian Aid Fund told Ipse Dixit. "I guess some people—namely Michigan Law School 1L Jack Zang—just didn't get the message."

With three daily trips to the University of Michigan Ross Business School Starbucks, and three purchases of his preferred Grande Soy Double-shot Caramel Macchiato, Zang was able to rack up over $15 in charges per day, for a running total of $112.74.

"That could have been 81 malaria vaccines," Daniels reported. "Or two-and-a-half goats."

This report was received with the particularly troubling information that Zang could obtain "Brewed by Starbucks" coffee for free from his Lawyers Club Dining plan, as well as through the Law School's daily "Finals Fuel" morning and afternoon snack sessions.

"Sad brain need bean juice" Zang wrote in a statement released to press early this morning. "My bad, very sorry."

Some students, however, were not so quick about accepting his apology.

"Jack needs to realize that only 39 cents a day could feed someone in poverty," 3L Joseph Renn, who made $33,000 in 10 weeks last summer, said. "Especially around Christmas, you've got to think of your fellow man."

At press time, Zang was working on buying a disadvantaged child at least a venti regular coffee with his Starbucks rewards points.

"With the sugar-free flavor shot," a noticeably more coherent Zang added. "It's the least I can do."

“We did it, folks.”

“It’s all been leading up to this moment,” reported the tree of the outline, later found in the LoCo trash.

Pictured: The four (!) Cooley Law campuses students may choose from.

Ann Arbor, MI – Clutch! In response to the deteriorating mental health of students the past week, the Office of Student Life has introduced a new initiative allowing students to transfer to Western Michigan University's Cooley Law School. And just in time for finals!

"Your mental health is important—indeed, it's the most important thing—when we're talking about your future as students. And we understand that Michigan Law can have the rigorous demands of a top-tier legal education," Assistant Dean of Student Life Bayrex Martí (JD ’06) wrote students in a school-wide e-mail.

"So to help those struggling, the Office of Student Life pledges to do all it can to help you transfer to Cooley."

The Western Michigan University Cooley School of Law, the e-mail goes on to explain, is an ABA accredited institution with classes offered in nearby Lansing, Auburn Hills, Grand Rapids, and Tampa Bay, Florida. Its mission is to provide virtually anyone willing to pay $51,000/year a legal education. Moreover, with an entering class LSAT median of 142, the Law School promises to be somewhat less "mentally exhausting" than Michigan Law's curriculum.

"Don't understand the material? No problem, you'll probably set the curve regardless. Corporate Lawyer's ethics requirement got you down? No worries!" Martí continued.

Students were ecstatic to learn that the Law School's new Jeffries funds were already being put to good use to make sure struggling students succeed—and at a school no less prestigious. Cooley ranked #2 overall in its 2011 ranking of law schools, behind only Harvard.

"The cold winters and short days here were a struggle to adapt to, so when I informed Michigan Law that I was suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, they suggested I attend Cooley's Tampa campus," 1L law student and Fort Worth, TX, native Rachel Kim told Ipse Dixit. "Thanks, Student Life!"

Pretty neat!

Phid House, ANN ARBOR, MI – The changes keep coming for the Law School, as the beloved Kent Inn of Phi Delta Phi aka "Phid," is being renamed to honor resident and benefactor Nash Hall.

Dean Mark West made the announcement to the community this morning following a meeting of the heads of the law fraternity, who approved the decision.

"Phid members made this decision following a fantastic and unprecedented donation of over $33 worth of light beer, the sixth largest such donation in the 150-year history of the fraternity," West wrote.

Phid residents were unanimous in their praise of both Hall and the decision to rename the building in his honor.

"Nash is a really sweet guy, a gentle soul who cares about the law school community and the environment as a whole," said third-year "Phiddie" Tess Walker. "And he did kitchen duty, like, three nights in a row. Which was really, really, cool of him."

At press time, the Phid board was reportedly also discussing renaming the third floor corridor where Nash lives—already honorifically entitled "Nash Hall"—in honor of his sister, Anna.

Jeffries Hall, ANN ARBOR, MI – Well, it was good while it lasted! Just hours after Mark D. West announced a $33 million donation from Lisa and Christopher Jeffries ('74), the Law School sadly broadcast that the money was all gone, spent on so-called "Finals Fuel."

"Yep, this one's on me. My bad," explained the Law School Dean and Nippon Life Professor of Law in a school-wide email.

What he described initially as a "small get together," in honor of closing the big deal with the alum, erupted into a celebration centered around the powdery white substance.

"We purchased it for the students, ya know," a sniffling administration member, who preferred to remain anonymous, told Ipse Dixit. "As a pick-me-up for Finals and whatnot. Things just got out of hand."

The decision to spend the newly acquired funds on the white, mood boosting drug followed minutes of debate among chief administration and Regents representatives over how to best spend the money. Popular, though quickly discarded, options included increasing financial aid support for public interest students, improving on faculty diversity, or purchasing approximately a year's worth of student textbooks.

Administration officials regretted that things so quickly escalated in what they still called "the party of the century" and a "real throwback to '80s Big Law." Particularly, they rued that they "may have spent a little more" on nose candy than the $33 million available.

At press time, Dean West was reportedly hitting up his "good friend Chuck [Munger]" to cover the excess.

Outside the Jackier Rare Book Room, Sub-1, ANN ARBOR, MI – Law students, worry no more! The University of Michigan Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) has just announced a big change that will guarantee this year's Therapaws visit to the University of Michigan Law Library will be a calm, low pressure experience:

"We're simply killing any dog that doesn't help you relax," explained Nancy Mark, assistant director for CAPS at the University of Michigan. "And we're very excited about this development."

The change follows complaints fielded after years of dog-therapy visits. Many students, CAPS reports, looked “unacceptably sad” while leaving the dog visits to return to their studies. Others found that the many dogs failed to breach students’ Finals-hardened exteriors. Under the newly instituted rules, any dog that fails to jump this hurdle will be sent "to a farm upstate," Mark said, with an exaggerated wink.

"Obviously all our wonderful puppers are the bestest boys in the whole wild world," Mark continued. "But Finals are a 'ruff' time, and sometimes these doggos need reminding of just what's at stake."

CAPS reported that the even the slightest student grimace during the visit would be taken as a sign of displeasure, leading to at least a strike against the engaging dog in question.

Many students were reportedly pleased by the "pawsitive" development.

"The dogs were just too slobbery last year, and that Golden Retriever puppy was a little too relaxed," 2L Jessica Lynch told Ipse Dixit. "I'm not saying the dogs deserved to die, but I am saying they weren't satisfying their one purpose on this earth."

A minority of other students, meanwhile, expressed some hesitation about the requirement that any displeased student would have to do the killing themselves.

But "nothing is quite as cathartic as going Old Yeller on an 8-month old Dachshund," Mark insisted, "It's impossible to worry about Finals after that."

1225 LSSH, ANN ARBOR, MI – The Center for Disease Control (CDC) was put on high alert this past Monday upon notification of a potential act of what students are calling "bioterrorism."

"Ya, so basically this girl sneezed. During class," James Gilham, one of a class of 80+ 1Ls exposed to the biochemical agent, said. "A class full of vulnerable 1Ls. I'm stunned."

The sneeze, described as "cute, but deadly," unleashed an airborne pathogen into the closed-circuit, climate controlled South Hall ecosystem, in a frightening act of biological warfare this close to finals.

"There's no way that was just allergies," Gilham continued. "I don't know what I've been exposed to, but—Mom, if you're reading this: I love you, and I hope I make it through this."

While not much is known about the actual nature of the sneeze, or what strain of viral agent was released into the atmosphere, the Center for Disease Control was sparing no expense in containing its spread.

"The 1L immune system, held up on perilous combination of 5 nightly hours of sleep and a diet of Domino's, is about as fragile as they come," said Dr. Joan T. Clayton of the CDC. "They're like little babies; we can't take any chances."

The organization has since begun quarantining potentially infected students or anyone else showing symptoms on infections into the Sub-3 floor of the Law Library.

"It's the perfect location. No healthy person—physically or mentally—would find themselves there willingly to begin with," Clayton told Ipse Dixit.

"Of course I still said 'bless you.'" Gilham added, while being taken via several haz-matted agents into the quarantine camp.

"She's going to need it when she goes straight to hell."

“It could also be finals? I just wish there were a way to know without having to talk to him,” area friends report.