#last2weeks

Repairs (23rd Day)

Something has changed inside of me, two weeks ago. Maybe something have died. It’s barely there, dying inside my heart. 

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Somehow when my friends told me about how I should just avoid my feelings, I just don’t want to hear any of it. I don’t heed their advice and just kept on being upfront with how I am feeling. I thought to myself that, “It’s my feeling to have, not yours. Not his.”  and I liked to keep it that way. I liked to think that I will never tell the person, “I like you” or such and I will suffer silently while being the one who hopes too much. And it’s still valid till now. He won’t know, at least it won’t ever come from me. 

I guess you stop, when you break your hope. And that’s what my friend did, but I won’t blame her. Of course, this time she did it not for me but for herself when she ‘almost’ had feelings for him. She came to me, saying that I will know how she feels and told me about it. And that night, we went on a mission. A meaningless mission.

A meaningless mission but it changed something inside of me. She then chatted him telling him how he’s so close to girls. Well, getting close to the opposite sex is normal to me, but basically in their religion it’s better to avoid getting ‘too” close to the opposites (I personally don’t get too close to boys in general). It made him suddenly conscious of how he treated female friends, and me? It made me feel like I’ve just been awake.

How come he never realized my efforts on getting close to him? This thoughts kinda flashed briefly, while I consciously think to myself that I never wanted him to know I like him either. It’s such a contradictive thoughts, that I ponder a lot on this. 

It’s such a contradictive feeling too that I don’t think I can explained it. A mixed of relief but also disappointment. Relief because I know something now, and disappointed for some reasons that I didn’t know yet or maybe I just didn’t want to admit it: that boy will never like me. But it changed me, it changed my perspective on the person I like. It made me realized that everything was not like what I thought. I thought at least, at least, he might know how I feel. But now, I know that’s not true.

After that, I never contact him for the sake of getting close to him, unlike before. Before I would chat him randomly whether it’s about cats, dogs, animals, homework and so on. And in the end of the day, I would get frustrated because things don’t turn out as how I wanted it to be. Now, everything has changed. This time, I really learn how to let go of someone. The key? Accept that you will never end up with him or her.