I'm only human

There's an internal turmoil that's quietly boiling within me as I finished a call with my mentor from a-scholarship-mentorship-program-that's gonna-expired-next-month. I have like 9 hours left for the consultation and probably a few more weeks. Damn.

We talked about what I should do within a few days to meet the scholarship deadline which is on 31st July (it is now minutes away from 25th July, and probably it will be 25th July by the time I finished typing this). As I'm starting to plan what I should do over the next few days, I was overcome by voices that clearly doubted me.

"Did you really think anything would change if you applied again?"

I have been rejected by scholarships and universities alike quite a few times since 2025. It may not seem like a long time, but to me, it has been a tedious journey that stretches far beyond those years. Just this year, during my mid-year report, my company's management team inquired about my future plans and I was to give them my answer by the end of this year.

I was torn in between going for a master's degree and staying in my company for a couple more years (or probably for good) and I had to make these decisions within this year? When I have less than 6 months to decide? This has been weighing on me because now, not only do I have to think about my master's degree, but I also have to factor my current job into the equation.

Since then, every effort that I have poured into pursuing my master's degree has seemingly come to naught. I no longer have the confidence or the will to put myself through this again, knowing it may not yield the results I want. This is in stark contrast to the I-have-done-my-part, I-might-stand-a-chance kind of belief I had a few months ago.

What powered me through until now is the promise I made earlier this year: "I shall try until December". I remembered when I first set myself a deadline, I cried at the thought of not getting the scholarship and university acceptance by then. This was more or less, the same self-doubt that I had.

While this self-doubt tries to convince me to give up, a part of me wanted to believe that I might stand a chance, even with less than a 1% probability of me being accepted. Honestly, it's really hard to believe in yourself. To give yourself a chance to put up a proper fight before deciding what to do with the results that are yet to come, whether they're good or bad.

Maybe that's why, I have been writing a lot about being kind to yourself. It's because I need it myself. I don't think I can close this one on a high note, I just wanted to vent it out for a moment today and move on.

May Lady Luck Shine on You,

I thought to myself after coming home from meeting a friend.

I had this love and hate relationship with a friend of mine. There are moments when I genuinely question why I'm still in this connection.

My friend was not a bad person. In fact, she's one of the sincerest person I came to know. She is also kind, caring, and cheerful. But at times, I do realized that she was not a friend I'm comfortable meeting everyday.

Back in university, we were always at odds with each other. There were always something to bicker about, even the smallest things. I would get defensive and take offense at what she said about me, and before long, it felt like we were taking jabs at each other.

After we graduated, I never expected us to stay in touch, especially considering we were the couple in our friend group who were always butting heads. However, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I came to appreciate our friendship and until now she was one of my closest friend I still talk to after 10 years. That's a very long time, isn't?

That's why I began to wonder why I never look forward to seeing her everyday. The thought had already crossed my mind the previous year, when there was a possibility that she would join my company. I remember that my supervisor had just interviewed her and when we were talking about her, all I could think of was: "Will I be able to work with her?".

I clearly was not feeling excited nor confident to have her as my colleague, considering our past records of constant bickering and how emotionally drained I felt spending time with her. I couldn't picture us working side by side every day.

Fast forward to today, I had been staying with her since Wednesday night until Saturday when she's in town. And boy, am I tired. It also got me thinking that she was the type of friend who just vocalize the "overthinking" part of ourselves, the one that criticize, and that's probably why I always get defensive because it feels like I'm also trying to convince myself. ((Gosh I feel giddy about this, literally. It feels like I'm high while typing this.))

Honestly, I hated it whenever I was in that state, It felt like I was being judged, and all of a sudden, I'd just shut down. I didn't feel like she would ever understand me or show any compassion for the struggles I was dealing with. Part of that was probably because I knew she believed her life was harder and more demanding than the rest of ours. Our struggles, more often than not, came from a place of "privilege". To her, it's a luxury to have those kind of struggles because she have an entirely different problem to deal with.

I think this was one of the reasons I became so exhausted. Suddenly, it felt like my problems weren't worth sharing. I always felt the need to overexplain myself because I didn't think she could 'relate' to what I was going through.

That's when the imbalance started to show. She could spend hours talking about herself, while I gradually stopped talking about myself altogether. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to say--I just didn't feel like there was room for it. When your social battery dried up, even saying something as simple as, "Let's grab a drink so I could feel better," can feel like too much effort. So instead, I chose to say quiet.

Looking back, I came to realize that every meaningful connection needs a certain amount of give and take. Without it, the relationship slowly becomes one-sided, and over time, that can be incredibly draining.

When life gives you lemons and you don't feel like making a lemonade. When you are at your lowest and can see no end to your suffering. When you've lost your zest for life because it feels as though life has sucked the soul out of you.

When life feels that way, may you always be met with the kindness you need.

****

May you always meet the kindness you need.

There are times reassuring and encouraging words would help. Sometimes, what you need is a shoulder to cry on. Other times, all you need is someone who can give you the space to be by yourself, or someone who can firmly set you straight when needed. Kindness comes in many forms, and I hope you are met with the kind of kindness you need to get back on your feet again.

During these times, when nothing seems to matter and nothing seems to help, from the bottom of my heart, I hope you get to hear the rap song that lifted you up, watch those cute puppy videos that made you laugh, and come across that one article that makes you cry without restraint. Maybe what you need is a tinge of emotion to remind you that you are human.

****

At my lowest, my mind kept drifting to a pair of rings worn by someone I knew well in childhood and his partner.

Even when a lot of my college or high school friends are getting married. Nothing hits harder than seeing your childhood friend getting married. Though we are not close anymore and have long drifted apart. I didn't know that he would be the one to have the biggest impact. Probably the memory of him in my mind was so sticky that I think it might take a while for me to register that I would grow up from being a "childhood friend" to "someone I used to know".

At my lowest, I wouldn't be surprised if he decided against all odds, not to invite me to his wedding.

I was in a such lonely place that I isolated myself before it even happened. We grew up and learned that we are different. I, however, still wishes to be connected but it seems it was a one-sided affair. I remembered disappointment was a big part of our connection growing up, at least to me. Though, I never know how he views me as his friend.

It was probably in my head and it seems unfair to judge him or the connection that we once had.

I am truly happy when my friends are going to tie the knot soon but I also has experience crying over a friend's wedding invitation just because I'm depressed. While the depression I had was mild (probably), I do feel that I'm almost having a similar feeling to the one I felt years ago.

I kinda relate that at people's lowest it's hard to feel happy for someone. When your cup is not full, it's really hard to pour it to someone else. I don't know if that analogy works but that's how it is for me now. Logically, I know I should be happy for them but I cannot say the same for my heart.

I know I'm not always like this, even when it's the time of the month. But I certainly know that I've been thinking the worst that can happened to me in the past few days and I have been alone most of the time. It was depressing up to a point I wanted to just vanish from the surface of the earth.

Maybe because I'm on my period today, I am not exactly feeling my best. Lonely and bitter, with a hint of migraine. I had a fight with my dad and every negativity seems heightened. I would love to isolate myself after this but I decide to go out to a cafe and just try to do some work.

Life goes on regardless. I'm just grateful that today is a holiday so I get to have a slow living life. Yesterday we also have an important event (Vesak Festival) while not perfect, everything still works out. I wanted to talk about it but I think it might just have to wait.

I'm also probably on the edge because my scholarship announcement are coming up soon in early June, and I'm anxious with the results. I was even thinking "what if" I didn't get the scholarship. I haven't prepared any other options, if it were to happen, I would probably have to push myself (despite my disappointment and probably low spirit) to get on track and apply for another university and scholarship again.

I'm not ready for it, tbh and I just didn't want to think if it will ever happened to me again. Receiving another rejection would probably hurt again. I'm not sure this week (with my period and heightened negativity), I would be especially resilient to receiving bad news.

Anyway, life goes on regardless. Tomorrow is still another new day, another new start to a day. I hope you learn to seize the day, bits by bits.

Life is fleeting and there are a lot of emotions going through us in a day. I learnt this in Buddhism (three thousand realms in a single moment life) and maybe that's why I always have this desire to document my feelings and emotions to a certain phenomena in my life.

Today felt like that too. Although it's 11.14 PM right now, and I'm telling myself to sleep early because tomorrow is Monday, I still wanted to write.

I felt that it's important to write it down now because tomorrow, I might not have the same feelings anymore. I need to process this today. That's what I thought.

So, what happened today?

Not much, but after a month of being away from Surabaya and now coming back for a week for work and just going about my life as usual. There were several things that actually change, or I'm trying to change and I hate it. As much as I desire change, it's hard to actually move away or put down something that you've been doing for years.

There's this lingering feeling that I tried to ignore but everywhere I go or said, it boils down to this: 'I actually missed it.'

//

I miss dancing and I did missed dancing.

Today, was the first dance rehearsal for the upcoming festival that we have been joining for 5 years and counting. This is the 6th year, and out of the 6 years, I participated in 4 of them.

Out of the 4 performance, I was involved with the logistics like choreography, selecting songs, costumes, recruiting, etc. I wanted to have a beautiful performance that everyone can be proud of and enjoy, and sometimes to do that I got emotionally involved. I had that rollercoaster ride to sad, frustrated, happy, proud, angry, excited and the lists goes on.

But that was not the primary reason, I chose to "miss" the rehearsal on purpose. I realized that it was time for me to step down --from someone who's a constant in every performance-- and stand behind to give my support to them.

Funny enough, what triggered me was a burn out in the beginning of January. I had a lot of discussions with my dad and my seniors and I came to the conclusion that the burn out was caused by my desire "to control". I realized that I have not fully believed the person in charge that I appointed and thus kept on getting involved with the process. Eventually, "my voice" was much bigger than theirs and they weren't able to expand on their potential.

In short, I took away their chance to grow. I know first hand how challenges actually pushed you to grow beyond your limits but if I didn't gave them the chance and the trust, how do I expect them to grow and one day take the lead?

So, my challenge this year would be "learning to trust". I am trusting that the Young Women Division in my area would be able to pull off this performance even without me leading each step of their way. I believe that the PIC would be able to creatively solve any problems that arise. I believe and I should.

//

There I was, standing behind, watching them rehearsed their dance. I would find myself smiling at their rehearsal and I'm immensely proud of them. It's funny that I don't have this same feeling when I was rehearsing with them. I do feel proud, but it was probably mostly because I'm proud of myself for tackling a difficult dance move. It's clearly different when I'm observing them by the sideline.

At the same time though, the lingering feeling was there. It was hard for me to say "no" to the girls asking me to dance with them when I really love dancing too. I do want to dance, and the dance moves were impressive that I kinda got jealous *laughs*. But I stand firm the entire time.

I might not be able to tell them my complicated line of thoughts in the short amount of time, so I often just smiled back and said "I would be your #1 fan", and I really meant it. I'm just so proud of them and being able to watch is a blessing on its own, the smile and the laughter was like actually practicing with them. This itself was a different experience from the usual because I had always been there: dancing.

Will I still dance? Yes and yes. I missed dancing and I missed performing. But for now, it's for the best to stand down and watch them reaching for their limitless potential.

2025 was a great year—not in a “life-changing” way—but in the small moments adding up, tipping the scales to make life 51% better than before. When I look back, we actually did a lot of cool things last year.

It had always been my dream to use the song "The Wonderful Law of Lotus Sutra" by Nestor Torres for a performance, and during the 2025 Vesak Festival performance, we were finally able to perform it. The only downside was that we performed it just once, even though it was a really cool performance (imho).

I travelled alone to Jakarta in July to meet friends and watch performances. This was after I was rejected from my scholarship application.

I travelled to China with my family (last time I went there I was still a middle school gal) during autumn. It was fun experience to travel there.

I went to Vietnam for a work meeting and had the chance to meet colleagues from other countries. They were so kind and it was nice getting to know them. I really hope we can meet and talk face to face again someday.

A lot of small, spontaneous trips and meetups with friends.

Bought a new phone and many more.

Even with the challenges I faced in my personal life, Gakkai and work, I didn't feel small by the end of the year. In fact, all I could think about were the good things in 2025. It's different compared to past years, when every December or January I would find myself worrying about the future - even while I was technically on holiday and supposed to be enjoying myself.

I don't think what I'm feeling right now is resignation to fate. I used to think that I would never be able to change my current predicament, that I would never get that "breakthrough". Have I had my breakthrough in 2025? Not really. But I have this immense faith that I will achieve my goal.

I tried to do things differently from past years. I found the courage to say, "I want this," and truly owned it. Instead of feeling resignation or giving up, I think what I'm feeling was confidence. I'm learning to trust myself that I can overcome any challenges life throws at me.

"Let future Reina worry about that," has been my mantra whenever I'm scared to take the first step. I still don't know what to expect from 2026, but I'm continuing the work that 2025 has paved for me.

I know I will still feel sad, angry, and all those negative emotions, but I learned to accept them as part of myself a long time ago. To anyone reading this who has been struggling over the past few years, I truly hope that you can see that you, too, have the power to overcome whatever difficulties you are facing right now.

I'm not saying that my problems have been solved yet, but I look at them in a different light now. I think everyone deserves that in their life. Problems may stay the same, but we can change.

Into 2026, I hope everyone's happy more than 51% of the time.

-Reina

When people said, "catch flights, not feelings", I guess they meant not to romanticise every little things. But as a hopeless romantic who drools over handsome and well-dressed man, I can't help it. Well, at least my current stance was to admire them.

Anyway, I was at Nanjing Lukou International Airport when I had to wait for my midnight flight. The waiting area at Gate 10 were packed with people and I had to wait for more than an hour. Since I have no internet, I went to find a WIFI kiosk after sitting for a few minutes.

When I'm back, my previous seat was already occupied. I had to find another seat. It was at that time, I found a corner seat facing the shops. The corner seats has a small side table which would be perfect place to put away my stuffs, however someone was sitting besides the seat. I gathered up the courage to come up to the person and asked if the seat was empty, and he said yes. So, I sat beside him.

The entire time waiting, I spent my time reading, typing a little and mostly on calls with my family until we had to board the plane. I got up to go to the toilet just before I took the flight. I went back, queued up and board the plane. I thought that was it.

But guess what? I actually met the same guy when I searched for my seat. He was seating on the windows seat and I was sitting on the aisle. We were on the same row, with one seat empty between us. I guess, sometimes, the universe likes to give you this small coincidence to make life a lil bit interesting.

However, that's where I had to stop, besides sitting with each other twice, there were actually nothing else that happened that day. I momentarily romanticize that moment and that was it. I was just at awed with the coincidences. Honestly, I don't even remembered his face now.

The moral of the story? Sometimes, coincidences happened and it's really up to you on how you interpret them. I think the universe was just letting me have fun, especially since I'm going back home alone. I don't feel that lonely just because I have this non-existent connection in my head with the boy I met at the airport.

"I can't imagine what you've been going through. Who hurt you so bad? What kind of trauma did you encounter to be this scared of falling in love? Tell me."

said the tarot reader I met two years ago. She was trying to read my love life.

To which I reply, "I've never even had a boyfriend up till now." But she's still adamant that I must have some kind of trauma. I remember sitting there, going through the list of guys I know in my mind, and no one really stood out. I don't think this person even exists, unless it was some kind of childhood trauma caused by my family. Then I thought, maybe I should just go to a psychologist instead of listening to her bullshit.

I didn't really thought much of it at the time: what kind of trauma I have, and what or who exactly was she referring to. I don't really care, and to be honest, I only treat tarot reading as a form of entertainment and just leave it at that.

Fast forward to now, I was reminded of that moment after a conversation about relationships and romance with some girlfriends. Sometimes, in these kind of conversations, people end up saying something about themselves that they haven't fully registered yet. I was like that too and saying it out loud only reaffirmed it for me.

On the vague topic of why a 27-year-old like me has been single her whole life, there are always those constant questions like:

"Why haven't you dated until now?"

"Why did you not have a boyfriend even once?"

Then, I would give a half-assed reply, like:

"I am not really looking."

"I don't know, I just haven't met anyone who's compatible with me yet."

… and other similar excuses.

I have a love-hate relationship towards those kinds of questions. The question itself holds the potential to dive deeper, but I hate that I don't know myself well enough to be swept away by it.

That's why I've been swept of my feet a couple of times and have again and again find myself feeling ill hearted. It's like I'm activating a fight or flight response whenever I'm placed in a potential romantic situation, which in my opinion wasn't as romantic as I thought it would be. I can say my love journey so far has been quite comical and on most days, I would laughed it off once I'm done mourning over an imaginary heartbreak of what could have been.

There's a pattern that I'm starting to see: I get close to someone, feel repulsed for the most part, and then completely shut down. I've pretty much despised myself. And if you believe that filling your own cup allows you to pour into others, then it makes sense that I began to despise others too. I hated the version of myself that had a crush on someone. Even when there's a slightest chance of welcoming a romantic relationship into my life, I become avoidant. So, what's wrong with me?

.

(This has been sitting in my drafts since July 2025 and it's been months since then. The answer to our questions always lies within us and it came to me, crystal clear, a few weeks ago. Below is where I pick up this draft and continue writing, and then I left it.)

.

There was a period of time when my conversations would always drift to the topic of love and relationships whenever I met up with my friends. From my own non-existent love life and my friends' experiences in theirs, I came to the following conclusion–though, it's probably more of a question to ask yourself than a statement.

1. Do you respect and feel respected when you're with him/her?

I would like to think the people who come and goes teaches me valuable lesson. They give me something to think about: what I like, what I don't like and sometimes revealing surprising things about myself.

This is an obvious one in any form of relationship: when you feel belittled or disregarded, it's a sign that he or she is not for you. I probably learned this lesson in a roundabout way from a young age through observing my parents and even experiencing it subtly for myself.

As someone who mastered the art of being alone, I would catch myself when I start hating myself or being overly hard on myself. So when someone actually patronizes me, an internal alarm goes off and I just knew it when something doesn't sit right with me.

2. Do you like the current version of yourself when you meet him or her?

I don't really have dating experience but I arrived to this conclusion after letting the idea of love knocking on my door a couple of times. This has been the answer to my questions, "what's wrong with you?"

As much as this looks like an egoistical point of view, this made so much sense to me. Essentially being in a relationship with others, is also a relationship towards yourself.

If the other party can bring the good in you and vice versa, wouldn't it be great? But, I guess this is the logical part of me that's talking and it's fine, because humans need to make sense of the world they live in to keep them afloat.

.

I have reservation about this post judging by how long it's been here on my drafts. At the same time though, this involves months of contemplation before reaching this conclusion. To me, it was kind of an eureka moment. To others, it might just be fleeting posts you can scrolled on. Anyways, I really need to write and move on. I felt losing my touch a bit here and there.

A good quote I found online recently, from Blue Chair Therapy by (@sarratobi_ng).

If you plant a seed of flowers in your garden then you water it everyday until it blooms. Would you expect a stranger to love the flower like you do?

No one can love yourself exactly like you want to be loved, because that's always been your job to love the flowers you planted not anybody else's.

I'm trying to find that rebel inside me The voices that doesn't want to heed the world, challenging the norms.

It's been missing, lately. It could be silenced prisoned tamed hiding.

So I will assemble a task force, Search for her! Bring her to me! Let her take reigns!

The King is corrupted, And we have become the slaves of mundane Dull to the bones.

We will overthrow him and survive We will not run, We will fight.

Je vais survivre! Vive la Reine Rebelle!

I was in front of my laptop looking at my schedule, overwhelmed. Between work, organization activities and personal life, a lot has been going on. But whenever I try to pursue my personal life more, I felt this immense guilt that I was selfish to even think about myself.

This has been going on for years now and I sometimes had to turn a blind eye to it, rejecting the idea that I'm actually not "choosing" me. Even writing this feels like a sin to me.

I was never vocal about my personal life or what my dreams are because I felt stupid for clinging to it. I even set a deadline for myself to eventually let go of that dream, no excuses. So, when I try to actually make an effort to realize it, it felt like climbing a high slippery wall.

It was in this moment, I need a friend. I need someone to support me, I thought. But in that short period of time, I realized, I can't think of anyone I can reach out to. No one came up to my mind, even though I know a lot of people and are in close contact with most of them. I can't think of anyone at the moment.

In my mind, no one is actually cheering on me to achieve that goal. It's probably because the nature of what I want will eventually propel me elsewhere. That's why I haven't been exactly honest about it with anyone else and that has become a habit with myself too.

I'm not honest even to myself. If I didn't like to have these kind of conversations with myself, much less with others.

How can we support you when you are not telling what you're struggling with?

How can I cheer on you, when you don't seem to prioritize yourself?

I should understand that the biggest support I can get is from myself.

I should not judge myself and put those external constraints on myself. You already have enough critics, be your own supporter.

In the end, it's on me whether I achieved it or not. I just hope you are kinder to yourself. Kind doesn't mean lacking self-discipline. Kind means putting yourself first and understanding where that came from. You of all people should know where your heart is. To hell with what others think of you.

-Reina

Four months ago, I talked about disappointment in this blog. When something doesn't matched your expectations, you are bound to get dissapointed. Last time, I experienced a physical reaction towards it. This time, I don't even know what I'm feeling. I just felt numb.

I know that rejection doesn't mean the end of the world, it's just a part of life. The universe isn't always saying "no" to my requests but I felt helpless like it has abandoned me. It was to the point that I'm afraid to ever dream of anything. It's paralyzing if anything.

I personally felt the highlight of young people like me is to have dreams but I'm struggling to have dreams? I kept asking myself "What is it that you want?" but I couldn't answer, I'm even scared to hope. It's contradictory and I'm often frustrated to the point of crying, in these past few days.

It's just a few days since the disappointing news and I'm not ready to talk about it, just circling around it. Talking about it means re-assessing my long term goals (which is not clear) and I'm scared to do that. I'm not exactly dilly-dallying with my time and life so far. In fact, I've had trouble living in the moment or even exploring and enjoying life.

At the core, I'm always guilt tripping myself that I don't need others to do that for me. You don't need to tell me that I'm wasting my time, I'm always thinking about it. You don't need to tell me that I might be single my whole life, it does occured to me. Well, it's self sabotaging, I know.

So maybe that's why, my first reaction was to shut down all of my feelings. Like a faucet, I blocked off the water and in the few days to come, I'm letting out the water little by little. Technically, it's only just been around 4-5 days but I hated myself for taking so long to pick myself up. I felt that every second I took to recover, I'm actually losing time.

I know this is such a negative perspective on life. I'm tired these past few days of feeling this way too. The only time I felt okay was me not thinking about this. Sooner or later though, I need to face this and when I do, I hope I'll be unapologetic about me dreaming and hoping again.

Exit: The Endings That Set Us Free (Chapter 5: Yearning)

The path toward exit, "begins and ends" with my unwillingness to stay in this place indefinitely.

At the back of my mind, I knew that one day I will leave this place.

But there's also times I doubted myself, will I ever leave this place? Leaving wasn't as easy as how it looks in movies or stories, where the main character just up and go. I'm facing uncertainty when I think about leaving. I'm not sure where I will I take myself if I permanently moved away. Will it turn out to be even worse than where I am right now?

If not leaving a place, I'm leaving a mindset or a stage of my life. One day, I'll be handing over the baton to someone else and they will in turn lead the community. One day, I'll be replaceable in my current office. One day, I'll leave this lifetime for good.

The question is: when?

I used to think, we ought to have clear timeline on when we should reach certain goals or stages of life. For example, I used to set 2024 as the year where I will change jobs, 35 years old as my limit to getting married, or something in that line. However, the deadline I set for myself turns out to be my happiness Swiper.

I became so fixated on what I should reach by x year. I became unhappy, forgetting to live in the moment, because I'm worrying that next year wil come and I'll live my life this year "just like that".

This book, however, shows me that it's not only me who yearn for changes or exits in their life. Exits are ubiquitous and what I'm currently feeling: uncertainty, melancholy, sympathy for myself, all sorts of emotions described in that book, are what those people are experiencing as well. It's kind of reassuring to know that what I've been struggling for years are something someone out there might be experiencing as well. I'm not alone in my journey of exits and so are they.

Over time, I have also seen all sorts of exits in my life, mostly deaths and resignations.

Seeing someone I knew living up to their 90s, 80s, some only up to 20s before leaving this place for good. I still find it hard to believe that my time here is limited but what I'm most afraid (and I don't like to admit this) is that my close and loves one, might one day leave me behind. I'm not ready for it.

Seeing someone retiring from a certain position also has an effect on me. I know for sure, that I will be an "ex" in the future. What is certain and clear to me is that change will come, exits will come. It's reassuring, but it's funny how much I used to focus on the "when".

"When Will I Exit" is probably a terrible question to ask yourself. We know changes and exits are inevitable so why bother setting a timer on yourself? Instead of thinking when I will leave this organization, I have been thinking and preparing the next generation of leaders who will take part in the growth of the community. Instead of being overly worried that my job or choice of career might be replaced by AI, I trust that humans (and me included) will find a way around it.

So, what's the conclusion? I still can't predict "when" changes or exits will come to me and I don't think I'll ever be fully ready. But, as I said in the beginning, I know I've been on the path of exit even before I began.

-Reina

Our brain is funny.

Today, I happened to find a bunch of Bingo cards and conversation cards lying on my desk. It's a game I made for an event but that's not really the reason I find myself deep in thoughts thinking about: letting go.

It's because this game was to be reused for the Future Division meeting next month and I happened to decide that next month I will oficially let go my position as the PIC of the Future Division to focus on other responsibilities.

That train of thoughts led me to the idea of letting go. I'm letting go something I've done for more than a year now and I'm reluctant to put it down. I was thinking how fun it would be to see the young ones enjoying the games and how I would not be able to oversee it.

Letting go also means I have to trust the next batch of PIC can handle the Future Division meetings without me. During this month's Future Division meeting, when the new PIC are introduced and when she was handling the game section, I held myself to take over or overly criticize her because I know this is one way for her to learn and not by relying on me to steer the meeting.

In a way, this was a necessary "let go" moment so that others can grow and have the opportunity that I have when I took over as the PIC of the Future Division: to learn and to care for the young ones. I learnt so much because of them and from them. I also came to have this huge love towards them as a sister or a teacher.

I think I have wrote about letting go in multiple occasions. This year (well, last year too), I thought a lot about letting go. There's a huge possibility for me to leave this city, to leave my work and the community I have been with for almost 10 years. This was just a small let go, compared to what will come in the future and I am working on the necessary let go to prepare the gap I'll leave in the future.

Letting go was never easy but it will open up new opportunities for others and for yourself. I should firmly believe this. I have always been in a state of mind that things wouldn't work without me, probably because that's what everyone around me has been telling me. It feeds my ego but at some point it bogs me down and turn me into an arrogant person. I have been fighting this mindset for a very long time and I still do until now.

Ultimately, my biggest challenge was to learn to let go because letting go wasn't easy when I have that kind of mindset. Letting go means believing that everything will be alright without me, something I had trouble believing in. It's also a sign of underestimating others which very much goes against my faith. In reality, things will still go on without me because humans are resilient and they have potential.

I thought that change should be slow at first before my dad told me to "just drop it". Letting that one transtition meeting be my last day as PIC. Trusting that the next person will do better. Guide them, but let them learn on their own. If I wanted growth in my community, then this is one thing I have to learn: how to step back and allow others the space to learn and lead for themselves.

I'm still learning how to do it and it's not an easy process for myself. I can't hope for others to understand me when they see me retiring from a certain position. It's not because I don't care, but it's because I do care that I am learning to step back.

Today, I forgot my keys. Maybe the universe arranged for it or I’m simply a muddlehead. 

Today, I felt uneasy. Maybe the universe arranged for it or I simply lack the distractions.

Today, feels like forever. Maybe the universe arranged for it? or maybe- it’s just me.

Maybe the universe arranged  the 3PM walks, the queasiness in between, and the skies- so exceptional,  they made me stop and stare

Maybe it was the universe telling me to face idleness bare handed. Something I had long forgotten.

Maybe it was the universe letting me sit with myself properly.  To enter my mind palace,  the one I avoided like a plague.

Maybe the universe was me all along and this… was a wake-up call.

So who called? Maybe it’s the universe.

The word "idealistic" would earn a nod from my sisters or close friends when they have to describe me. Being an idealist means I have certain expectations towards situations, things, people, or even myself. I personally didn't think I set high expectations especially since I am quite "apathetic" as a person. (Yes, it's conflicting but both of them exists within me and people would agree with that description as well.)

I have gone through a lot of disappointments in my life, many of them are forgotten or have little to no effect on me anymore. Along the way, I learnt not to be too hopeful on things I cannot control. I thought I was good at managing expectations and disappointment, especially since I am now a working adult.

Alas, when disappointment came knocking at my door, I never knew how it looks like. Sometimes it came unexpectedly, like on a Monday morning after my two weeks of vacation or during my commute to work. When it dawns on me, I felt as though I'm drowning. My whole body felt tense, my long lost shoulder pain returned, and I had difficulty breathing—let alone focusing on my work. You get the gist—it's a series of discomforts, and I had to sit through it.

Of all times, the issue with my work and graduate application had to happen in the same week. I'd be lying if it didn't cause me to fall back and costs me my confidence. At some point (and I'm still currently stuck in this point), I wanted to give up. Maybe I'm just never up for my dreams of pursuing master's degree abroad and I have to live up with the fact that I'll never leave this place. It's a self-sabotaging thought that I kept on reinforcing since the news. Before long, it's hard for me to imagine that my current situation will ever change and I felt so unmotivated to do anything related to my graduate application.

During these times, I have been doing some daily reading of my old Soka Gakkai Indonesia monthly magazine, Soka Spirits, in an attempt to shelve them in a box. I was planning to transfer the writings of my life mentor to Notion so I can share it with fellow friends or members. I find it's the only 'easy' task I set up for myself compared to others and I've been doing it almost every day.

In one of the stories I read about a Singaporean member working in Hungary, he experienced an economic crisis, and his employment contract was about to be terminated. However, he managed to turn the tides, and these were the quotes from Daisaku Ikeda that resonated with him during his difficulties:

If we do not rise to the challenge now, then when? If we do not strive today, then when? Life is a struggle against the limited time we have on earth. What will have been the purpose of our life if we do not fulfill our mission? If we abandon our dream, no matter how we try to justify ourselves, there will be little left in the end but emptiness and regret. Nichiren Daishonin wrote, ‘You must not spend your lives in vain and regret it for ten thousand years to come.’ - Daisaku Ikeda

These quotes resonated with me as well. I was faced with challenges in my work and the personal goals I'm working towards. My dream might not be much but I will be letting myself down if I didn't strive until the end. With this budding hope, I started to put myself together piece by piece. I'm not exactly running towards my goal, but, as painful and embarrassing as it feels, I'm starting to look at the rejected application. I'm starting to think who I should reach out for help and the little steps I can take.

Yes, we'll never get used to disappointment. But in every disappointment, there's always something to learn about ourselves and the experience. As bitter as it may be, we always have the choice to get up again. Just as I'm rebuilding my castle, brick to brick, I believe I have the capacity in myself to turn the impossible into the possible.

Cheers, Reina

P.S. Good reads about disappointment: