#kyuutoki

Admitting to Gintoki that she had a massive crush on him, that is, which was not a little thing at all. Kyuubei hadn’t thought that admitting romantic attraction would be such a huge ordeal; after all, she had told Tae pretty plainly that she was in love with her, but Kyuubei had come to realize that the two situations were drastically different. She had been in love with the idea of Tae and not really Tae herself, and had just been confusing their deep bond of friendship with romantic love. With Gintoki, she was experiencing all these… strange sensations and reactions; her heart would pound in her chest like a drum and her skin would flush hot and her mind would dissolve to the consistency of pudding, which all resulted in her becoming a blushing, stammering mess.

Thankfully, thus far, the white-haired samurai had just been writing off her odd behavior as lingering effects of her upbringing and shyness around men. Kyuubei had attempted to do so, as well, but it had become painfully apparent to her that no one affected her the way he did. As she wallowed in her failure, she curled her hand against her heart, which was fluttering just at the image of him in her mind. It had been some time since the decisive battle for the world they knew and things had gotten back to truly normal… Yet, although there were no pressing disastrous impending dooms clouding over them, Kyuubei still could not bring herself to admit it to him. Kyuubei was well-acquainted with the bitter taste of fear, and its acidic bite had been poisoning her tongue with rising relish for the last week.

Kyuubei was very afraid. She wasn’t afraid of being outright rejected; she knew that people had their preferences and Gintoki was a flighty man who wasn’t the type to settle into a relationship. No, Kyuubei’s fears were rooted much deeper than that… She was afraid that he would reject her simply because she was who she was, stuck between identities and neither man nor woman. A sickening feeling began to crawl into her belly; she always psyched herself out this way.

Gintoki wouldn’t want someone like me, would he? I’m not beautiful or sweet or charming like Tae… What would I have to offer him romantically? I’m still struggling to even know what romance means, she thought miserably. Bitter tears stung her eye as she stared at that reflection of a creature caught in limbo. Kyuubei had considered embracing feminity in its fullest simply to appeal to Gintoki, but somehow, that left an even more bitter taste in her mouth than the described scenario. She exhaled deeply, calming herself down. No… If he is to love me, then I want him to love me, not some cheap imitation I try to present to win his favor. A small smile curled at the corners of her lips, but it was mostly forced. Kyuubei doubted that this day would end any differently than all the others.

She immediately began to question that when she walked out of her household to see Tae walking through the gates to the compound.

“Kyuu-chan!” A smile immediately lit up the brunette’s face as she trotted over to the swordswoman. Tae’s enthusiasm was always infectious, so Kyuubei could not help the appearance of a tiny smile on her own lips as well. Tae had apparently come to the compound in quite a hurry, as her face was flushed with a pink hue and shone with a thin veil of sweat, and she had to lean over slightly with her hand pressed against her chest while she fought for breath. “I’m glad I caught you before you left!” she puffed while continuing to smile up at her.

Kyuubei blinked in confusion as she watched the girl return to equilibrium. Tae didn’t seem particularly alarmed, so there was no reason to assume some kind of trouble had befallen her, but then Kyuubei couldn’t riddle out what had brought her to the Yagyuu household in such a hurry. She patiently waited for Tae to suck in a deep breath and straighten back up, seemingly ready to explain herself. “There’s going to be a fireworks festival tonight to celebrate the new year!” Ah, so that’s what this is about. The new year was in a few days, and considering it was the weekend, it made sense for a city-wide event to be held on a date that most of the townspeople could attend. “Everyone else is going! Please come with us, Kyuu-chan!”

Kyuubei’s cheeks instantaneously glowed a shade of apple-red. Everyone else most certainly included Gintoki, and Kyuubei was both exhilarated and mortified of that prospect; she was painfully reminded of her pledge to admit her feelings to the man in the mirror not ten minutes before. She swallowed down the nauseous sensation that was rising in her throat and turned away, eyes closed as she wrestled with herself. With such a romantic atmosphere as a fireworks festival, surely there is no better time—! She thought as she clenched her fists as if to physically force her nerves to steel. Kyuubei had been absorbed in romantic research as of late, which pretty much consisted of watching romantic dramas and reading shojo manga, and of the many things she had learned, one had been that fireworks displays were inherently romantic. To refuse this opportunity would be downright cowardly.

“Of course, Tae-chan,” she responded finally, turning back to her with the perfectly crafted unperturbed smile on her face. “I would be happy to attend.” On the inside, she was coiled up like a rattlesnake and quivering. No sooner than the words had left her mouth had the overwhelming desire to rescind them bubbled up inside her. However, she could not bring herself to do so, as Tae was so overjoyed that the beam she gave Kyuubei had a glow that rivaled the intense burning sun. Kyuubei gasped as Tae grabbed her by the wrist to haul her out of the Yagyuu compound. “I— What—?”

“We’re going shopping for yukatas, silly! Summer festivals aren’t complete without yukatas. We’ll find you a super-cute one, Kyuu-chan!” Kyuubei swallowed as the blush blossomed across her cheeks once more. Tae knew about her crush, and Kyuubei knew her well; no doubt, she was hatching a scheme in her cunning mind to doll her up and present her like a freshly-wrapped present to Gintoki in the hopes that sparks flew. Tae-chan’s innocent, child-like smile morphed to a mischievous grin for the briefest of seconds, confirming Kyuubei’s suspicion.

There’s no way out of it now, she resolved herself with a small sigh and allowed the woman to continue to tote her along. Once Tae had something in her mind, not even the forces of Hell itself could claw it out.

The yukata shop was fairly busy, packed to the brim with excited young girls, many of whom were eager to look dashing for their male suitors that evening. As the conversation around her buzzed with such topics of young love and winning favor, Kyuubei could feel her heart begin to pound anxiously in her chest. Even if I am wearing such a thing, will Gintoki even notice? Part of what she liked about him was his unabashed, aloof, almost bored personality and outlook on life, but a deep part of her very much desired his compliments.

Kyuubei was no fool; she was not strikingly beautiful like Tae and the other women surrounding her. A great many of them ceased talking as they passed, and the whispers of whether or not she was a man or woman were not unheard to Kyuubei’s ears. It wasn’t that part that Kyuubei minded, as she had no care for such trivialities; she was afraid, however, that because of that, Gintoki didn’t look at her as a potentially attractive creature at all— and that saddened her considerably. “Tae-chan… Are you sure this is a good idea?” she murmured as Tae came to rest to begin perusing the pre-made yukatas neatly arranged on a viewing table. Holding up one of pink fabric that would look stunning on her (but not Kyuubei, probably), she looked at her inquisitively.

“Aw, Kyuu-chan, are you worried about Gin-san?” As if the blush wasn’t telling enough, Kyuubei looked shyly to her feet. There was no point in lying, so she affirmed her suspicions with a weak nod. “Don’t worry! You get too much in your head, Kyuu-chan,” she chortled while knocking on Kyuubei’s forehead like a door. “Just be yourself.” Kyuubei’s rubbed the red mark that had appeared on her forehead as Tae returned to picking through the yukatas. To be herself was pretty cliché advice indeed, but it made sense to Kyuubei; really, she wanted Gintoki to like her for herself.

Perhaps I have been thinking too much about how confessing my feelings is to happen… I suppose if I am myself, then the opportunity will present itself? She deduced with a small frown. It was worth a shot and was likely to be better than her attempts thus far, and really, she was running out of options. Her mental dilemma embroiled her for enough time for Tae to make a decision, and soon she was spirited away to the dressing rooms.

As she once again marveled herself in the mirror, Kyuubei was a little unsure; not that she doubted Tae’s fashion intelligence, but she would have thought that Tae would try to accentuate her girliness. The yukata was of a deep blue fabric that accentuated the midnight tones of her hair. It was patterned with frothing waves at the hems the crested around her midriff to roll around the backside, and finally completed with a black sash. It was a rather androgynous design, and Kyuubei found herself curious as to Tae’s thinking. She slid open the sliding door to allow her friend to critique, and Tae began clapping and jumping lightly up and down. “Ah, just as I thought! It looks marvelous on you, Kyuu-chan!” Tae herself was indeed wearing the pink one she had spied earlier, which hugged her figure nicely and was embroidered with various flower patterns of many colors with a white sash.

“Why did you pick this one for me, Tae-chan?”

“Because it looked like you!” she responded simply before tutting at her to take it off so they could pay. The answer was far less than illuminating but Kyuubei knew better than to question her friend’s judgment, so she just did as bid.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Ah! There they are! Hello, everyone!” Tae called merrily from their perch on the riverbank as Gintoki, Shinpachi, and Kagura approached from behind them. As it turned out, the Yorozuya had rented booth space for an arm-wrestling contest with Kagura (which, of course, no one could beat, and thus they probably made scores of money from burly men whose egos refused to allow them to lose to tiny Kagura), so Tae and Kyuubei had spent most of the time enjoying the festival as a twosome operating under the premise that the other three would join them for the main event: the fireworks. Kagura was gleefully devouring some cotton candy, likely bought with her winnings, while Gintoki looked like he was close to reaching nirvana as he leafed through the wad of cash he was holding. He was the direct manifestation of a greedy miser at that moment but yet Kyuubei still felt the blush rising to her face as she spied on him, and she shyly cast her gaze to her lap as they came to plop on the grass beside them. It was worse when Gintoki sat down right beside her, making her squirm slightly in discomfort.

She had decided to tell him tonight, but how could she with all these people around? Soon the fireworks would begin, and there would be no way for him to hear her profession of affections. Her hands worriedly kneaded at the fabric of her yukata like a fat house cat in its owner’s lap. Just be myself, she reminded herself before looking at Gintoki with shining pink cheeks.

“S-so your carnival game was a success?” she stammered.

“Hell yeah it was!” he snickered as he waved the stack of money about triumphantly. “This oughta get the old hag off my back for a few months, and I’ll have plenty left over for Jump and pachinko.” His grinning mouth shone as brilliantly as the white moon hanging above their heads, and Kyuubei could almost see the muscles rippling beneath his clothing as he tucked the wad of cash into his kimono. Of course, he hadn’t wasted any money on yukatas like the rest of them and was dressed in his normal garb. Speaking of muscles, Kyuubei anxiously ran her hands up her arms, feeling the chiseled structure of her hard-earned anatomy. Would he find that disgusting about her? Surely Gintoki preferred a dainty, slim, and demure woman unlike herself, whose body had long since abandoned its fairy-like frailty due to her lifetime of training. She looked away as tears began stinging her eye. It was so frustrating, this love ordeal.

She loved him so much but couldn’t spare any of that love for herself, and that was her problem. She had not the confidence to admit anything at all, because her lack of self-confidence always sparked these worrying possibilities in her mind. Kyuubei’s fingers tugged at the grass, pulling up the emerald blades by their weak roots. I was a fool to think that anything would be different today, she thought miserably.

“Haha! Hey, everyone, look, I have sparklers! Let’s do them really quick before the show starts!” Tae announced loudly. Kyuubei looked up to see her staring intensely at her, and Kyuubei instantly knew that she had no intention of inviting Kyuubei along. As Kagura and Shinpachi gleefully scampered over to her to take handfuls of sparklers from the young woman, Tae gestured with her chin to Gintoki before spiriting the two young people further down the riverbank, where it was less populated.

Now, Gintoki and Kyuubei were alone.

The young swordswoman swallowed anxiously and looked at the silver-haired man. He had laid back in the grass with his hands behind his head and one leg propped lazily on the other; put a piece of hay in his mouth and he would be the picture of a contemplative farmer boy. She would’ve thought that his gray eyes would be fixated on the glittering stars above, but when Kyuubei looked, she was both fascinated and appalled by the fact that they were trained intently on her. She straightened up like a rod and pulled her arms against her chest as if to shield herself from their intense stare, flushing a deep pink. Silence settled between them as she just watched him thoughtfully watching her, before he sighed deeply and pulled himself back up into a sitting position, rubbing the back of his neck with a pouty look.

“Well, if you’ve got something to say, wouldja say it already? Tae won’t be able to keep those kids entertained for long,” he said bluntly. Though he was facing forward, those glittering gray eyes that looked like stars themselves were gazing at her with all the intensity of supernovas. It greatly unsettled her that he could see through her so easily and was terrified that he knew exactly what she was going to say already, and had just decided to outright reject her. Fidgeting nervously and playing with her hands, she looked meekly down at her lap. For all her strength and prowess, Kyuubei was helpless in the battlefield that was love, it seemed.

“Gintoki… Do you think… Someone could love me?” she asked finally, in a hushed whisper. She did not look up to see how his expression had morphed; she was afraid to. “I resolved once… To walk a path as neither a man nor a woman, because that is who I am in the truest sense, but… I am beginning to think… That I will have to choose one side or the other,” she frowned deeply. “How can a man find me beautiful, or a woman find me handsome if I exist in a state that is in-between? Have I doomed myself?” Her bottom lip wobbled as tears welled up in her eye before flowing over her cheek in a thin stream that absorbed the heavenly light from above to glow like liquid diamond against her pale skin. Finally, she brought herself to look up at him, and this time he was finally looking at the inky black sky above.

“Damn. That’s heavy,” he huffed quietly. Kyuubei grew saddened; he would probably say to her that she should ask Tae these questions, because what would he know about it. He exhaled loudly as he scratched at his head. At least, it looked like he was trying to find a way to put it delicately. “Look, sure, some people might not understand it, but I don’t think that it makes you completely unlovable. The whole point is to find somebody who loves you no matter what, right? So why should you worry about being appealing to everybody?” He grumbled in an attempt to seem comforting.

“I don’t want to be appealing to everybody!” Kyuubei interjected suddenly, and he looked at her in shock. Placing her hands against the cool grass, she leaned forward so that she was looking up at him with a face contorted in agony. For a second, her heart twisted in her chest and her lungs writhed as she attempted to force the words out of her throat, and then suddenly they were out in the open, leaving her mouth in a soft breath that hid the impossible effort of bringing them forth. “I want to appeal to you, Gintoki…” When she realized what exactly had come out of her mouth, she hung her head, black hair falling over her face. It wasn’t how she had imagined it happening, and it was a pathetic display.

He makes me this way… I can’t think straight, and I am just so afraid of how I’ll come off… she thought with a sniffle. All her investigating and research had been fruitless; she could not draw on it for her muddled mind and racing heart. Surely he was trying to hide his derision for her right now. She slowly raised her head as the silence pricked uncomfortably at her skin. She hadn’t been sure what she was expecting, but it was something far from the gentle, soft smile he was giving her right now. Kyuubei’s heart stilled in her chest as she drew in one final breath. That look alone seemed to send her to Heaven.

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that, because I think you’re just fine.” The tears began flowing faster down her cheek. She couldn’t tell if he truly knew the depth of what she had said or if he was just being his same nonchalant self.

Above their heads, the fireworks suddenly exploded into colorful brilliance; while everyone else’s eyes were trained on the artwork of the heavens, the two of them had eyes only for each other. Kyuubei watched guardedly as he resumed that same powerful stare that seemed to pierce her soul like the sharp edge of a katana to draw it out into the open, raw and sparking like a firework itself. Her eyes trailed upward a little to the silver curls of his messy hair because they were no longer that hue of tempered steel; like it was a blank canvas, his hair was being painted with the light of the exploding fireworks above, dazzling splashes of red and green and blue and gold. All the while, he just gazed at her, as if waiting for what she would do next. Did she want him to spell it out for him? The sadist.

Her hand twitched with the desire to thread her fingers through the strands. An instant later she followed through; almost as if her body was moving on its own, she reached up to do so, watching as the colors played across her slender digits that were weaving through the impossibly soft fibers. Suddenly she realized what she was doing and moved to snatch her hand back, but Gintoki caught her by the wrist. “Don’t throw me into the river,” he warned in a voice that rumbled like rolling thunder in the distance.

He grabbed her other hand and pulled it to rest on his shoulder, purposely forcing her to scoot forward on her knees lest she lose her balance. She was nearly chest-to-chest with him now, and because she was sitting up on her knees, she was nearly nose-to-nose with him as well. Every nerve in her body was bursting with electricity as she physically fought against doing what Gintoki had literally just asked her not to do; she still had a lot of problems managing physical affection from men. Even if she wanted to move, she really couldn’t; it was like his gaze had electrified her, rooting her frozen to the spot. She drew in a small, sharp breath as one of his hands settled at her hips and the other rose to gently caress her cheek, fingertips drawing an indistinct pattern in the soft, sensitive skin. “You still have something you wanna say, don’t you?” he mused in a low voice.

“I-I love you,” she whispered through quivering lips. I said it, she thought and her shoulders sagged a little as if the weight of the world had been lifted off her. A smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth as he regarded her playfully until his face relaxed and he leaned in towards her own. Kyuubei’s eyes drifted shut of their own accord, the ghosts of the exploding fireworks momentarily dancing in the darkness as she awaited the inevitable. His mouth melded over hers as if it had always belonged there, moving in a gentle yet passionate kiss. Kyuubei melted against him as her breath was all but whisked away from her, and her heart beat like a drum in tandem to the popping fireworks dazzling the sky, and she thanked the gods that this day did indeed end differently than all the others.

Thus the sparks flew that night, both above their heads and between two students of the sword…