#kuminon

Her eyes, her look. Her lips, her smile. Her skin, her touch.

My precious angel she was, my forbidden heaven she would always be.

A sweet delectable kiss from her was making my whole body shiver, my heart explode and my head lose itself. I could feel her fingers tightening around my sleeve, trying to resist to the urge to pull me closer while I was kissing them, those delightful lips. I had to make them mine, forever, to keep them all for myself, and ever. I wanted to kiss them until Kanon and I both become breathless and fall into a deep and eternal sleep. I wished we never had to leave each other and I thought that endless, intense and breathtaking kiss would be the key. I pulled away a bit to take a look at her, to stare at her, to always remember she was here, with me, that day, kissing me, holding me. She stared back at me, with that intensity who was making everything around look pale and tasteless. Her young and innocent features were surprisingly severe and harsh for her age, the features of someone who grew up too fast, who couldn’t remember the colors of her childhood. But her beauty was still pure and unique. The darkness of the galaxy was stuck into her soft hair, the pallor of a white new born star running over her soft skin, the intensity of a supernova burning into her eyes. It was rare to see a smile illuminating her captivating and precious face but, every single time, I was appreciating the nobility of it. My precious Eve she was and the forbidden fruit we would always taste together.

"What are you thinking about? "

I asked in a whisper, gazing at her, wondering what thoughts were dancing into her head. Kanon always was mysterious, usually using only one or two words to describe the ideas who were waltzing into her beautiful mind. I wanted to know about them, more and more, always and always, I needed to know how my lovely angel was seeing and feeling this world we were both stuck in. Kanon shook her head slowly and I could imagine a ghost of a smile over her lovely mouth. My question probably amused her : a question I was asking her all the time. She moved her hand from my sleeve to my cheek and caressed it softly, tenderly.

"You."

I locked my forehead with hers; my heart stopped beating, Earth stopped spinning. 

Heaven. 

She pulled me closer and caught my lips once again. But this time it was different, Her tongue was looking for mine, her body was begging it, her soft fingertips getting impatient in the nape of my neck. She wanted me as much I wanted her. It felt and tasted delicious, delightful, wonderful. I pressed my hips against hers, pushing her back against the wall and we both could feel the heat between us increasing dangerously. 

I needed her as much as she needed me. 

A moan escaped from her mouth, a sweet and shameful one who made her break the the kiss almost immediatly. The connexion was broken but our desire for each other was burning more than ever. She looked away, her face red of embarassment and I took a step back, my eyes still focused on her.

What just happened? Kanon? 

I bite my lower lip, ashamed, guilty. We were like proton and electron, attracted to each other in such a powerful way we could barely understand. But as soon as we were getting too close, as soon as my body was claming for her : Boom. Annihilation.

"You should go, classes will begin soon. I don't want you to get in troubles again... Kumi."  She whispered.

As always, her tone was lovely and caring. Even when she was embarassed, she was still taking care of me with all the kindness and the purity of her soul. I knew she wanted to stay more with me, to go further, as much as I wanted to, but we couldn't. We had to say goodbye.  Those moments were as painful as unavoidable. It was impossible for me to hide my sadness and even if I took my distances, she made the missing step and pecked my lips softly before escaping from the washroom we were hidding in. I could hear her light footsteps running to the changing room, a door being opened, another door being closed, her presence fading away little by little, escaping from my powerless grip, more and more. The washrooms were our secret spot. We knew exactly when they were used for classes or clubs, so we made a special schedule to meet here during breaks and between classes. I was now alone in this place, staring at the colorful tiles on the wall who just seemed black and white without her.

Kanon.

She turned me on.

Again.

I couldn't stop thinking about that little moan she gave me. It made me want to touch her and make her moan even louder. I looked down at this thought. I felt like a bad person for imagining such things, for imagining the way I would take that purity of hers. I was nervously playing with my fingers, knowing exactly what I would do to pleasure her, thinking about where I would touch her, where I would kiss her and how I would make love to her. It was too soon for her to even reveal her body to me though, I knew it, I respected it. Kanon already told me she wanted to offer me her virginity but we had to wait for her to be fully ready. I shook my head and started running to class, crossing the changing room at high speed, storming in the corridor, heading to the stairs. I didn't want to be late and make people notice me even more than they already did and running was always helping me chasing all those naughty thoughts from my head. I wasn't beautiful, I wasn't clever, I wasn’t funny but I was fast, the fastest girl of our school, with the highest rank and highest scores at the athletic club. It was impossible for me to feel proud about it, I didn’t really care about competition, I just liked running. I hoped that one day I would be fast enough to run at the speed of light and escape this crappy reality. The corridors I was running in were dark and oppressive, they were the paths who were leading me from my heaven, my angel, Kanon, to those .. demons, those girls.

The bell rang : I increased my speed and climbed the stairs two per two. 

Faster. Faster. 

The classroom was at the end of the hallway who was already empty. 

Crap.

When I finally reached it, I threw myself into the classroom like a hurricane and everyone immediatly stared at me, as I probably interrupted something.

"Yagami-kun." Started the teacher who seemed annoyed, as always. "Why are you late this time?" He added, rolling his eyes and sighing without truly expecting a reply from me. “Go and sit. Next time, I won’t accept this.”

I bowed my head as deeply as I could and walked peacefully to my chair, the one in the corner at the end of the line, next to the window.

"Lolicon." 

I looked around as I heard this word. Half of the girls were glacing into my direction, giggling and whispering. It was a word I heard a hundred times since the beginning of last week, whenever I was walking around, waiting in the cafeteria line or standing to read a text out loud in class. 

Lolicon, Lolicon, Lolicon.

Mentally resistant, I could endure way more than that, those girls could laugh at me as much as they wanted, I didn't care, I just wished from the bottom of my heart that Kanon wouldn’t be a target any longer : her safety and happiness were my priorities. In a few months from now, I knew I would graduate from this disgusting place and live my life like I wanted but for her it was different. She was still a freshman, cursed and condamned to stay here three entire years. I lowered my head and took a look at my desk, it was covered with insults engraved in the white wood since a few days already but a new one caught my attention :

Yagami Kumi is on top while Kimoto Kanon tells her to never stop.

The same black felt pen angrily pressed against doors, mirrors and windows made its way to my own desk. I spent every single evenings of the past week cleaning the hateful words who were spread around the school, tracking them scratching them, destroying them, until my hands bleed, to be sure Kanon would never read one of them. Everytime I asked her if she heard something weird around her, she just shook her head as a reply. How could I be sure she wasn’t lying to me, to prevent me from worrying? What if they wrote on her desk too? Those dark thoughts were haunting me, following me ... I didn’t want her to suffer.

"She was probably busy eating something young and fresh."

More laughters spread around me. Discreet and almost silent ones our teacher couldn't hear, but from where I was sitting I heard all of them.  Those stupid girls, whispering little demons, perfumed with the scent of sin. One of them was the guilty one, spying my reactions, enjoying the sight of me reading those hateful words everyday. Suda Akari, the pathetic master of the gossips, the eternal attention whore : I should treat her as the suspect number one and blame her for bringing the spolights on my story with Kanon. But how could I ? She was way too stupid, noisy and obvious to do such a thing. The culprit wanted to stay anonymous and Suda .. well, everytime she was doing something, she had to scream it everywhere just for the need to be looked at. This sad girl was drowning herself into a disgusting life : offering her body to whoever was kind enough to accept it, lying about almost everything and bullying the weak ones to make people notice her. It was just a matter of time before she consume herself and realize how ridiculously lonely she was. And if it wasn’t Suda it could be anyone else. But who? Before that “scandal” about me and Kanon, I had no real enemies, I was just a common girl who was working hard to stay away from them. All the girls here were playing dangerous games for various reasons, without even knowing the rules, without even thinking of the consequences... so really, the culprit could be anyone else.

I turned my head to the window, to watch the sun travelling through the sky. An hour spent here with the whispering demons was another lost hour I could have spent with my Kanon, my angel, the light of my life. My elbow resting on the desk, my chin burried into my fingers, I was daydreaming, imagining her taking notes scrupulously and listenning to every single words her teacher would say because that’s how my Kanon was : smart, attentive, serious. I kept those sweet pictures into my mind as a light smile appeared on my lips. The following bell would announce the end of this horrible day : If I could make it to the school gardens in time, I would be able to wait for Kanon and walk her home. I couln’t truly say “walk her home” but whenever Kanon was crossing the school’s portal I was following her from far away, to be sure she was doing fine on her way back to her house. I never told her about that. I knew myself how much I tended to be ... too fascinated by her precious being, which was totally normal as every single part of me was in love with her, but I also wanted to give her some space.

When the bell rang, I stood up from my chair and started packing as fast as I could. I hated this place more than anything else and the end of a day was always bringing so much joy to my heart : finally. My angel, my Kanon woudl soon step out of her classroom.  To be sure to not miss her, I was already running in the corridors to reach the school’s portal. When I finally arrived there, I walked a few meters away from everyone, leaning my back against a tree, to wait, patiently. The weather was different from the previous days. Fresher. I raised my head and gazed at the sky, hoping it wouldn’t rain this time. I didn’t mind rain, it was a beautiful and natural phenomenon, an invigorating one, I just didn’t want Kanon to be forced to walk under it and catch a cold. Her body was fragile and frail, even a little cold was difficult for her to handle. My eyes came back to all the girls who were now leaving the school, chatting, laughing, those disgusting human beings I was despising from the bottom of my heart.

I waited quite a long time, 

I waited more,

I waited more and more ... until the last girls left.

My angel wasn’t among them.

It already happened to miss her in this big crowd of dark blue uniforms but I couldn’t help feeling upset, frustrated, even angry at myself. Where are you, Kanon. Texting her would be a terrible mistake, she would think I was stalking her ... which wasn’t true, not at all. A heavy sigh escaped from my mouth. Alone here, surrounded by a dead silence and the fresh wind, I didn’t really know what I was supposed to do. I had to be patient until tomorrow morning if I wanted to see her again, this thought somehow bothered me. After five more desperate minutes, I was admitting my defeat, placing a foor in front of another, walking away from this place. It was the first time in weeks I was going straight to home, without having the chance to “be with her”.

I had to accept it and maybe see it as something benefic. Kanon was leaving at the opposite of my neighborhood, so for once, I would be able to have more free time ... probably.

----

“Mom?” I randomly screamed as soon as I opened the appartment’s door, closing it behind my back. I was living in a different area from most of the girls at school, those kinds of areas full of appartment complexes. Around here, nothing was fancy, nothing was expensive, nothing was sparkly but it felt good, better, peaceful, simple. It only was my mom and I here, since I was a little girl. And no matter how hard she tried to make me believe my father died, I knew he just probably left us for another woman and another daughter. I was okay with it, knowing how hard my mom worked  to give me the best lifestyle she could and carried with proud the reputation of “single mother “ .. I was ready to accept all the lies of the world for her.

“Mom?” I insisted, taking my shoes off and throwing my schoolbag away.

I assumed she went to the groceries which meant snacks for tonight’s tv shows. This simple thought made me smile as I took my cellphone out of my pocket and unlocked the screen, falling on the sofa. I had no friends anymore and knew nobody would ever text me but as I was running several blogs, it always was important for me to check how popular were my entries. Random photos, Landscapes, Texts .. I was sharing almost everything there and it felt heartwarming to chat online with people who were smart, open minded, interesting .. the kind of people I wished were going to school with me. My eyes widened a bit as I found out something I wasn’t expecting at all : One missed call, ten minutes ago. A call from .. KANON. A wide, happy, excited smile illuminated my face. She wasn’t usually texting me until very late at night, I knew she was spending most of her evenings taking her piano lessons or doing her homeworks so the fact she called me made my heart jump of joy. I immediatly pressed the button too call her back, still lazily lying on the couch. The phone rang only twice before she picked up.

“Kanon! I am so sorry I didn’t know you called! I was busy with that thing about ... school. H-how are you? Don’t you have a piano lesson today?” I asked on a joyful tone. The excitation was probably hearable in my voice. After all, it was impossible for me to hide it.

“K-Ku.. mi ... “

The way she pronounced my name. 

A light frown appeared on my face. What was that? Was she .. crying? It was the first time I heard her saying my name this way, the first time I heard her crying while saying it.

“Kanon, is everything alright?” I asked on a caring tone, sitting down, wearing a concerned expression. “You sound different .. what’s going on?”

A few seconds passed as I clearly heard she had troubles breathing, choking on her own sobs. I wasn’t sure I could stand it any longer, it was heartbreaking to know she wasn’t feeling okay.

“Kanon?!” I repeated on a pretty harsh tone.

“I’m .. it’s .. they ..  “

She was stuttering, seemed enable to find her words. This was making me even more nervous “I’m”, “It’s”, “They" -  What ?

“Kanon?! Please tell me why are you crying, I’m worrying. ” I repeated on a deeply stressed way this time. I had to calm down or else she wouldn’t explain what was the problem but I couldn’t help it, everything related to Kanon was making me react on a whole different level. 

“School’s toilets.. they.. locked me in and-- ” She said on a weak voice as she started crying even more through the phone. I didn’t need more than that to understand . A deep anger started running through my veins as my fingers were tightening around the phone, ready to break it. I had to breathe, very very deeply if I didn’t want my heart to explode, right here and right now, this heart who was beating so hard, it was destroying my ribcage.

“Shh, it’s alright, you don’t have to say it. Don’t worry, I’m on my way, I will be here soon, very very soon, I promise. Please, wait for me... okay? ” My voice was calm, soothing, caring but if I could set this whole rotten world on fire, I swear to god, I would fucking do it.

I grabbed my shoes.

I opened the door, closed the door.

I ran.

 I wasn’t beautiful, I wasn’t smart, I wasn’t funny but I was fast. The fastest girl of my school and right now, for my Kanon, I would reach the speed of light, to find her. My head was empty from any kind of rational thoughts, it was all filled with anger, a burning, dangerous, sharp anger who kept growing, leaking from my brain cells to my lower limbs. Bumping into strangers, ignoring the drivers who were yelling at me, I was forgetting about the outside world because my world, my Kanon ... they hurt her. 

And THIS, I would NEVER forgive it.

It took me seven  minutes to run from my appartement to the school; it was way too much, it meant seven entire minutes Kanon was one her own, alone, locked in this disgusting place. The main portal was closed but we all knew about the giant hole in one of the hences behind the school, not far away from the playfields. I threw myself into it as soon as I reached it, and kept running, to the schoolyard, to the buildings, to the corridors, to the ladies room.

When I arrived there, throwing my whole self into the room, I almost fainted. Out of breath, out of strentgh, out of energy, I was stumbling in, embracing that harsh pain in every single inches of my body. A simple chair was preventing one of the toilets door to be opened, blocking the doorhandle. From where I was standing, I could hear her sobbing, a discreet, desperate and shy sob. Every single piece of my heart broke at this painful melody. 

“Kanon, are you okay? I’m here!” I claimed as I was breathing heavily, irregulary, , my voice echoing around. I grabbed the chair and pulled it away with such a rage, it felt to the side.  I opened it, the door, and I saw her ... 

.. sat on the floor, her back leaned against the door, her arms hugging her own knees, shivering, shaking, her eyes focused on the opposite wall. She was soaked, from head to toes, her tears mixed with the cold water who was covering her whole body. What did they do to you ... Kanon. Slowly, she raised her head to look at me, with an expression I discovered for the very first time. Her wide innocent eyes were like mirrors, vitreous, reflecting sadness, pain and incomprehension. I couldn’t take it, I couldn’t handle it... but I had to. Hurrying towards her, I kneeled and cupped her face, delicately, lifting her chin, making her look at me. Her dark hair was so wet, it was sticking to her skin, like every part of her uniform. My own eyes were about to tear up, I had to focus and stay strong for her.

“Did they hurt you?” Was the first question I asked her. I wanted to know .. if anyone raised a hand on her. She kept staring at me with those viteous eyes, shaked her head slowly and looked away almost immediatly. 

This ache into my chest was consuming me from the inside, attacking my organs, making my soul scream in pain .. for her.

“It’s over Kanon. I am here now, I am here for you now, ne .. I will take care of you.” I told her on a sweet tone, giving her the best smile I could offer. She nodded once and held me as I helped her standing up. I glaced above her shoulder and realized all her notebooks, pens and personal stuff were thrown down the toilets. I bet they tried to flush them down, according to the way the ink leaked almost everywhere. Carrying Kanon’s soaked body outside the ladies room, I immedialy took off her uniform’s jacket and replaced it by mine. We were at the end of October, November was coming and in that state, she would get sick. Her whole organism was barely responding to my moves, she seemed like a liveless doll I was taking care of, dressing off, dressing on.

“Thank you .. “ Kanon mumbled, looking down, still shivering. She wasn’t crying anymore, but even without the tears, I knew she was emotionnally suffering. She was still refusing to face me, maybe thinking all of this was her fault. But it wasn’t! Only the whispering demons, only those uneducated bastards were the guilty ones. I clenched my fist at this thought, whoever did this to her would sure get the punishment they deserved but I had to wait, I had to wait before asking anything related to what happened. Maybe was it too soon, for Kanon. 

“I will get your notebooks back and then we will get you home.. r-right?” I added, trying to catch her look one more time, resting my hand over her shoulder.

No reply. 

It hurt my soul. 

I hurried into the toilets, where her school material was floating. Without any hesitation, I grabbed all of them, one by one and shook the water out of it. It was kind of hopeless, most of those pens would never work again and it was a shame ...  my Kanon was a serious girl, who was caring about what she was learning in class, who was studying her lessons everyday, who always wanted to learn more. Unlike the pieces of dirt who treated her that way, she was meant to a successful and brillant future. Her school bag was lying on the floor, a few meters away, wet too but at least, it wasn’t ruined.

“I have everything back.. ” I said on a soothing voice, coming back to her, the schoolbag filled with everything I could gather. “We .. should go now, we don’t have to stay here any longer, we don’t have to stay in this place.”

At my words, Kanon nodded another time and walked towards me, clinging to my arm, her head still oriented towards the floor. I bite my lower lip. That little move of hers, it was a call, a way to say .. I need you, stay with me. Taking her hand in mine, I squeezed it, firmly, my way to show her I wouldn’t let her down.  I wanted to pull her into my arms, to hold her tight, to tell her about the way I would hurt, torture, kill the crazies who bullied her but I had to control myself, obviously. We started walking along the dark corridors, surrounded by a disturbing silence. Even when it was empty, this school was still haunted by all the evilness and the ugliness of the universe.

It truly was hell, here.

Kanon and I made our way to the schoolyard and I helped her through the hole in the hence. The beautiful colors of the sunset in the sky were slowly abandonning us and the night would fall soon enough. A fresh wind was caressing my skin and probably freezing Kanon’s one but she wasn’t saying anything as we were now walking outside the school, back in the real world. Who did this to you ... my beautiful angel.

“Are you .. cold? I should have brought a sweater for you .. “ I started on a clumsy and awkward tone as I was looking at her, still walking. “Your house isn’t that far away from the school right, we will be there soon, don’t worry.” I added, trying to sound reassuring.

The more I was talking, the less she seemed to react. The less she seemed to react, the more I had to focus to not burst into tears. Tears of frustration. Some people around us were staring at her, whenever we were passing by groups of friends, young couples or even families. And I hated it. The cruelty of the humankind would always survive because the way those people were staring at her .. it was just out of cuiosity, just for the pleasure to see, just to acknowlegde the facts.

If I could, I would rip all of their eyes off.

“I don’t want to go home.” She suddenly said, as we were standing on a sidewalk, ready to use another crosswalk. And for the first time in a long time,  she raised her head to look at me, finally. But her eyes, her eyes were only showing how much she was hurt. “I don’t want .. my mother, my father, my big brother to see me like this. Please Kumi, I know it’s too much to ask but .. maybe I can stay at your place, just for tonight? I don’t want to disturb you, or your mother, I--”

“Yes!! I claimed, interrupting her. “Yes, of course, sure, you can stay with me as much as you need, Kanon. My mom won’t mind, at all, she is the kindest mom after all!” I replied with a tender smile. 

And it was true, my mom would be glad to help me looking afterher. I was always talking about Kanon at home, telling her how much I cared about her. In her naivety, my mom was thinking of Kanon as my “best friend” but it was enough for me. The three of us would share a warm homecooked meal and Kanon and I .. would share a room together. In a small corner of my head, burried under the anger, the frustration, the sadness this situation generated ... there was a dark, shameful and disgusting .. joy. Because of all of this, my Kanon, my pure angel got hurt, but thanks to all of this, she would spend an entire evening and night with me and only me. The only one who could take care of her, the only one who could truly make her happy.

“Thank you.” Kanon replied on a shy tone, holding my arm tighter, pressing her body against mine, as we changed directions, now aiming to the area where I was living.

“Will your parents be alright about this... won’t they... get worried?”  I knew the relationship between her and her family was pretty odd, different from the strong bond my mom and I were sharing, but once again, I couldn’t explain to her how I knew all of this so I decided to ask the question that way.

“It’s alright... They won’t mind. I will give them a call later.” She simply replied, without giving more informations about this.

"Who did this to you, Kanon?” 

The words got out by themselves. I promised myself I would wait but I couldn’t any longer. 

Who.

Who hurt her in such a way, she couldn’t even face her family ?

Who hurt her in such a way, she lost all the sparkles in her eyes?

Who hurt her in such a way ... 

Silence.

Once again.

Only the noise of the people chatting around us, the noise of the cars running wild on the roads were hearable. I wouldn’t force her if she refused to tell me but I had to know, I had to find out. After two or three minutes, she finally broke the silence, with that tiny voice of hers.

“Kizaki-senpai ... Ogiso-senpai and .. Takayanagi-senpai.”

I froze.

Still holding Kanon’s hand, in the middle of the street, staring at an invisible point in the horizon, I froze. Those three names.

This time, it wasn’t about anger and frustration, oh god no, this time...  it was only about how hard I would press my fingers around their throats to make them suffocate, to watch them cry for mercy and beg for pardon. 

Kizaki Yuria.

Someone I used to know more than my own self. Yuria was bold and crazy, someone who liked to live dangerously, to feel the adrenaline vibrates inside of her, to have shivers run into every single part of her body. Her and I last year, were an atomic duo, an intense couple, real troublemakers. We spent nights running in Sakae's streets, drunk and lost, screaming and laughing. We spent days locking ourselves into every  empty room of this school, doing god knows what. She was my first and I was hers. We shared our deepest and most shameful secrets together, we shared the most private parts of our bodies and ours minds. But when I met Kanon at the beginning of this year, I took a different path. My love for my angel changed me into a better person, into someone I could look at through the mirror without feeling like the disgusting girl I used to be. I started being distant with Yuria, avoiding her, ignoring her text messages, pushing her away more and more everytime. I knew I hurt her but I didn’t really mind : even if I was having fun with Yuria, I wasn’t really myself when we were together, I was the bitch she corrupted me into. Yuria finally understood and found another “best friend” to hang out with .. Ogiso Shiori. After this, we had a talk, a polite one and we exchanged a few words about how we weren’t made for each other anymore. The Yuria who was standing in front of me that day was smily, happy and comprehensive. We didn’t truly keep in touch after this but at least, I knew we both moved on.

Apparently ...

.. I was wrong.

Yuria needed this, to be bad, to act like the rotten person she really was., to take revenge. Even towards me, someone who loved her, someone she loved. And the saddest part was that she always needed someone to get insane with, someone to corrupt. That’s what she did to me and was certainly doing to Shiori, who apparently .. wasn’t the “gentle and good mannered lady” everyone thought she was. Those two probably also wrote all the hateful messages about Kanon and I. The more I was picturing them laughing together, enjoying all the pain they created, the more I was boiling. But what about Akane?  I knew she was a close friend of them but why would she do this? Despite how bubbly and stupid she was, Takayanagi wasn’t a bully and that, I was sure about that.

I clenched my fist as hard as I could. Right now I wanted to yell, scream and make them regret this. Because yes, I would make them regret everything since the day they were born.