Damaged Hearts

Ten.

It was just a game, a childish, silly, risky game. 

An hypnotizing smile, an arrogant but charming snicker, a naughty whisper from her. The fire of temptation dancing through my eyes, showing everything we both were craving : the flames, the attention, the passion, the thrills.

“Did it work?” Was the first words Rena offered me, her back resting against the cold wall of that empty street, her arms crossed against her chest, a satisfying smirk over her delicious lips : those lips I wanted to capture and make mine. Her cold beauty’s aura was radiating more than ever, the ice of her iris, intense, focused on me, and the darkness of her long hair tickling the purity of her fair skin. Her exposed neck, her dark leather jacket : it was the white and the black, both meeting over the line of her frail collarbones ; an obscure dress that was too short and heavy boots that gave to her legs that dollish appearance.

A scene that took its marks, deep down inside of my mind ; a scene that soon became the memory of a pristine; unstained; unsploit forgotten paradise.

“Are you forgetting who you are talking to? That girl was even dumber than the previous ones, she couldn’t resist my charms. She handed me all the pocketmoney her parents gave her, thinking I will pick her up at eight to go to the club. Eight? Please.”

Both of our laughters echoed, a melody of ephemere happiness, a symphony of innocent and blissful joy. With her slenders fingers, the tips caressing the frozen fabric of my shirt, Rena grabbed my collar to pull me closer to her, looking for my warmth through the cold of November. Our bodies were one against another, our eyes boldy meeting, challenging, showing a truth we never managed to see.

“What about you? Tell me.” I simply whispered, my breath tickling hers, our foreheads almost locked together, while standing in the mist of fall.

Sticking her tongue out, Rena showed me that one little white pill she had into her mouth and immediatly caught my lips to share that forbidden fruit with me.

Nine.

Shouting and dancing, this story was just a game in a reckless, a meaningless and dangerous life. Our minds were losing themselves, spinning and spinning around, endlessly, forcing Earth to slow its own rotation down. We were falling into each other’s arms, laughing, loving, living. How good and light it felt to be young and carefree - How good and light it felt, to kiss her like there was no tomorrow. We were partners in crime, united in chaos by our love for self destruction, we were despising the outside world, we were those pretencious and untouchable rich kids who wanted it all and who had it all.

“Matsui Rena, what would happen if we fall in love.”

Catching her waist with a smooth and delicate move, I made her spin on her spot, to keep her all against me, close to my heart, holding her from behind, whispering into her ear, my heavy irregular breath against that neck I bite and nibbled on, my foggy mind only focused on her.

“We cannot, Matsui Jurina. Close your eyes, none of this is real, it’s just a game.” She lazily whispered, smile on, leaning into my arms.

Eight.

Playing, manipulating and toying with our universe, it was just me and her, Adam and Eve of this rotten paradise, the garden of Eden of despair and deprivation. As if everything around was just a pale and colorless background, as if the rain falling over our  heads was just a curse trying to remind us we weren’t alone in this galaxy.

“Just a game that makes me want to kiss you more and more. I belong to you, you belong to me.”

When the rain stopped, when the heads couldn’t spin anymore, we had no choice but to keep playing. Our eyes were always linked, at day, during classes, from freshman year to graduation. Our lips were always connected, at night, in all those dirty parties we loved to get wasted in. We were each other’s worlds, standing side by side  while picking our next targets together :  to play, manipulate, toy, steal, ruin.

Seven.

Playing with other people’s emotions.

Manipulating the world around us.

Toying with our own lives.

Stealing everything that could be stolen.

Ruining each other.

There were lies on our lips, love in our eyes.

Six.

The kisses we were sharing, with time, started hurting : bloody blades at the corners of our lips. We reached our early twenties, aware everything was evolving in a way we  couldn’t control any longer. The high school days were far away, forgotten, transformed. Getting wasted, getting high used to make anything feel good. Getting high, getting wasted was now just a way to take the game in places that simply left scars here and there, preventing the hemorragia to stop, the wounds going deeper and deeper every single damn time. My lips would suddenly leave Rena’s and catch another girl ones. Look at me R., I sure will fuck this one. Her eyes wouldn’t even waste  time watching me as she would have someone to go to as well. As you wish J., don’t wait for me tonight, I have my own plans.

Look at me– No, don’t.

I needed you that night, where the fell were you,

Don’t touch me, you still smell like her, that’s disgusting.

Who is the other bitch, I saw the way she was looking at you, I don’t like that.

Stay the fuck away from me.

I tell you to come here, now.

Five.

Tasteless and insipid had become such a life, linked to each other with nothing else but a game that would push us towards an unvoiced hate.

[sms] Let’s play. Come tonight?

Would be a message Rena would send to me or vice versa. The parties were slowly abandonned as she was working hard to catch up at med school and I would try harder to stop slacking off at my law courses. It was all about attractions and repulsions : as electron and proton, waltzing, gravitating, avoiding ; using hypothetical new girlfriends to make each other suffer. It’s just a game. Spending the most wild and passionnate of the nights together as our lust and desire  was more powerful than all the dark forces that chained our hearts together. Next round? Broken plates and tears, screams and fights. Our minds always were full of each other but every single moment of peacefulness, calm and lightheartedness was followed by a storm we would create with our bare hands.

Four.

Real.

Everything seemed more and more real. My brillant Rena, finally, successfully went through her studies and would become a young doctor with the rage and the ambition to always go further. Me, as tenacious as ever, finished my studies as well and would evolve into a shark of a lawyer, the kind who would destroy anyone who would stand on my path.

Not real.

Opening the door of my appartement,  Rena would push me down the couch and tell me to shut up, to not talk to her, to not look at her. 

Waking up in the middle of the night, I would storm at her place and curl into her arms, asking her to simply hold me so I could disappear before the sunrise.

Three.

Our eyes met again. For the first time, one of us realized we weren’t playing anymore. Cold, empty eyes, Rena refused to blink, refused to surrender. She made a decision : she seized the eraser to clean the board of this disaster.

“I’m engaged. In ten months from now, I will be married.”

She wanted to start a new life, she accepted the proposal of her current partner, trying hard  to picture how her life would be, free from the cursed grip I had on her, able to breathe after those years of emotional exhaustation.

Silence.

“Engaged? You spend more time under my sheets than you spend under hers, if you want to marry someone, that souldn’t be her.” Were the only words that managed to escape from my mouth, cold and harsh, refusing to accept what I was hearing, my heart hammering, my jaw clenching.

“You aren’t allowed to tell me what to do. Don’t you see it? This, us, everything has to stop. We destroyed everything we touched, even ourselves. Stop being so blind, open your goddamn eyes.”

Standing up, with the back of my hand, I pushed the laptop and anything away from my desk : shattered glass over the floor, water spilled, pens, ink and pieces of paper flying through the air. Every single object went above our heads, slow but heavy as if that single moment would always be suspended in my mind, as if as soon as the objects would reach the ground, it would over, forever.

Two.

“YOU BELONG TO ME. ARE YOU FUCKING FORGETTING THAT?” My fingers were already grabbing her forearm as I violently dragged her closer to me, holding her with strength. Crazily desperate, desperately crazy, the flames into my eyes were burning more than ever.

“DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH ME. YOU DON’T OWN ME , YOU NEVER DID.” Rena yelled, her voice shaking out of dark anger. The sensations that were brought by my touch, possessive and toxic, were awakening that rage, all the rage I managed to put inside of her soul along the years. Freeing her arm with a sharp and neat move, Rena’s hand went straight to meet my jaw, a slap, one that make me look away from her.

“You simply come to me whenever you need someone to use for your own pitiful  and disgusting little pleasure. Look around you, Matsui Jurina, look at how alone you are in this sad life of yours. No matter how brillant, no matter how charismatic, no matter how powerful you think you are, you have NOTHING. ”

“Don’t be silly, I still have you, my Rena. It’s not the first time you say that and you always came back, always. We have each other. You belong to me.” I almost screamed on a frustrated tone, rubbing my temples, walking towards her slowly as she was obviously walking back, trying to run away from me. Seizing her waist with a brutal grip, I refused to simply let her go, forcing her to stay into my arms while she was trying to push me away, to fight back. 

“STOP TOUCHING ME, YOU’RE DISGUSTIN–” My lips instantly met hers, with fierce, as my hands went to grab her wrists and pin them against the closest wall, preventing her from escaping. My body was pressed against hers, our souls still craving each other in the most extreme way.

Hearts beating out of bitterness. Tears.

“I … hate you.”

Her voice was marked by sorrow as she couldn’t help herself but kissing me back.

One.

The bells where ringing, singing, a melody of joy for one, a symphony of perdition for the other. Far away from the giant doors, at the other side of the avenue, my eyes were empty, staring, my  mind absent, swallowed.

A heartbeat.

Wasn’t she stunning, Rena, my Rena, wearing a dress only her would wore so well :  white, pure, angelic. Screams and shouts, flowers and happiness, the day of her wedding.

Her, the other girl, was there, taking Rena’s hand, kissing her, holding her. There was no anger, no will to fight for me. Empty. Yes, I was empty, having nothing left but the scars of ten years game, the memory of the last time we made love ten months ago, the numb sensation the ten deciliters of vodka running through my veins, the poison of the ten different pills I swallowed…

 … and the reality of those ten last seconds that made me realized that…

Zero.

I had it all.

The beauty, the money, the background story, the scandalous private stories  and the perfectly shaped smiles for my character.

Years, months, days I spent working on it, improving it, perfecting it, in such ways, the mask became my facial features, my facial features became the mask.

The charm, the expensive earings, the delightful laughter, the captivating aura

I had it all.

Perfect little porcelain doll with a fair skin and a honey voice, I didn’t need food, didn’t need water, didn’t need the sun to live, I just had to hear my name pronounced out loud, whispered at the corner of a corridor, yelled at the top of a roof, to survive and evolve through this world. Their lust for my body, their envy for my perfect life, their gluttony for my lips, their avarice for our shallow friendship, their wrath for not being me, their sloth for not trying to be more like me, their pride for not admitting they all wanted me. 

Lifting my eyes slowly to look around, that’s what I could see into those girl’s eyes. All of them. Praising me, following me, adoring me like I deserved to be.

“Ne, Akarin. Your phone keeps buzzing since at least thirty minutes, you should take a look.” Said Nana with an annoying high pitched voie, playing with her chopesticks, apparently not interested enough by her meal, her gaze travelling from my phone back to me.

“Is it him again? Your boyfriend?” Asked Kei who was sitten next to me, glancing at me with her usual playful crooked smile on her lips. She seemed amused, curious, intrigued, ready to listen to anything I was ready to say to her, to offer her.

“My boyfriend? Oh hm, no... I’m sorry I forgot to keep you updated girls. But I knew things couldn’t work between him and I so I decided to break up. He was too old for me, I couldn’t deal with the age difference. I have a girlfriend now though. She is a bit clingy but she has to wait and behave, I’m having lunch with you guys, I can’t be everywhere.” 

Hearing that simple line, the girls started squealing, screaming, asking for details, firing questions. My words were like a sweet addictive liquor to their ears, liquor they would drink to forget, drink to fill the holes in their boring lives. I felt alive, it seemed like every single one of my cell was vibrating, craving for it : the attention, the jealousy, the scandal. A genuine smile was marking my luscious lips, illuminating my face and their innocent features. Playing with my hair in a nonchalent gesture, I shared all the details of this new relationship of mine : from how I met the girlfriend to the most embarassing details of what she did to me last night. The more I was talking, the wider they eyes were getting. 

It felt so wrong and yet so good.

I only checked my phone when we decided to leave the cafeteria, when I was sure Kei wouldn’t shamelessly glance above my shoulder to check my most private texts.  I did receive one every five minutes : I miss you, I want you, I love you Akari, I want to see you.

Messages I wrote this morning and sent directly from my second phone. 

Messages I took the time to type and program so they would be automatically delivered  during lunch as I knew Nana and the others would ask about it.

I had it all.

The beauty, the money, the background story, the scandalous private stories  and the perfectly shaped smiles for my character.

Years, months, days I spent working on it, improving it, perfecting it, in such ways, the mask became my facial features, my facial features became the mask.

The charm, the expensive earings, the delightful laughter, the captivating aura

Red. 

And warm. 

My dark pupils widened, my insatiable hunger increased, my heavy breath fastened : my senses were awake. 

Tack. Tack. Tack. Tack.

The regular sound of the broken umbrella hitting the rusty iron, the symphony of this beating piece of flesh pounding into my chest, the sweet melody of your bones crushing down the cold ground.

Everything is red, everything is warm.

Yelling, crying, suffering. The intensity of your begging screams echoing through the depth of the night was reaching my ears, tickling my appetite and making my body vibrate in an unhealthy way. I felt every single part of my soul and mind looking for it : the euphoria, the sick pleasure, the morbid desire. It was so close, so close, so damn close and yet so far. Throwing my foot straight to your ribcage once more, I let out a frustrated, nervous, tense laughter at the feel of your organs breaking under my strenght, at the thought of your perfect fair skin turning red, red and warm, covered by this sweet addictive liquor escaping from your blue veins to the grey tarmac. Again, again and again. 

It feels so wrong and yet so good.

So disgusting and yet so delectable.

So sick and yet so essential.

My body was moving by itself, carried away by this dark passenger possessing me, by this consuming need invading me. I could’t be stopped, couldn’t be slowed down. I wanted to abandon myself, right here, right now, embracing pain and pleasure, pleasure and pain. Throwing my head to the side, I laughed more and more, exploring those limits were making me lose my mind, my dark hair dancing at every one of my gestures, my mind enjoying every bite of it.

Tack. Tack. Tack. Tack.

The heavy sound of a haunted train passing by, the symphony of this insanity growing inside my head like a demonic tree, the delightful melody of you coughing all this blood out of your throat.

I couldn’t hold myself any longer, throwing all my weight over your barely responding body, I climbed on the top of you and let my clenched fists dance over your face : forehead, cheekbones, temples, jaws -  punches after puches -  again, again and again. You were beautiful, you know, your perfect damaged features, your scars and bruises, your closed eyes, your partly opened lips. Like God, I needed to play with the edges of the human life to feel alive, to pull the red strings of fate until they break.

Beautiful when you cry for mercy.

Beatitiful when you bleed.

Beautiful when you scream.

But you stopped screaming. And I stopped punching. 

Silence.

Slowly, your head fell to the side, unanimated, liveless.

Everything is dark, everything is cold.

I placed my hand over your cheek, my hand covered by your sweat and blood. I took another look at you and suddenly your beauty seemed different. So good but now so wrong. So delectable but now so disgusting. So essential but now so sick. I couldn’t move anymore, my whole body paralyzed at this sight. The euphoria, I was reaching it, finally. And yet, my smile was slowly vanishing, joining your last breath into the night’s wind.

Take me away, take me away, take me away.

We ran, kept running, never stopped running. We reached it, the speed of light, the speed of sound, every single cell of our bones vibrating into the wind, our feet barely brushing the ground, dodging the branches, jumping around. We were running, breathing, believing, inhaling the scent of that freedom who would soon be ours. Behind us, the greedy arms of a terryfing fate : we couldn’t turn around and face what was chasing us, pursing us. To never ever turn around : it was our number one rule.

The night would soon fall and we could sense it, deep down inside of us. The sun was far away from this world, its warmness abandonned us a long time ago but our systems, our bodies, our brains improved, changed, so we knew whenever day and night were switching. The leaves were covered by iron shards, ready to damage our skins and some lianas were sharp like razors, willing to cut our fingers. The environment was hostile, always trying to slow us down, trying to rip our clothes off, to make us fall, to bring us to death : eaten alive by the faceless monster behind us. But it wouldn’t happen, not this time, not again. We were too concentrated, too careful, too fast, with our sharpened senses, our mad surviving skills and our perfect knowledge of the forest we were running through. Every single day, the dark, mysterious Sleeping Forest tortured us, pushed us to our limits, with its maze of dead alive trees and its whispering nightmares. It broke us but we raised, we stood up, and became what we became : shadows.

“Shelter One. Eye contact, 1200 meters.” Announced Rena on a loud voice.

Rena, the scout. 

Alone, she was our front line, our eyes, our guide, our hawk. And the rule was standing for her too, she could never turn around to check on us or else, her eyes would see the monster and lead her to death. She had to keep running, fast, faster than everyone else, even faster than me, trusting herself, trusting us, never doubting we were following her, listening to our steps, adjusting her speed to not distance the group.

“Shelter One. Eye contact, 900 meters.” She said again, her voice never losing this monotony, showing how focused, imperturbable and unshakeable Rena was when she was on the field.

As the leader, I was right behind her, my attention captivated by her back : her shoulder blades rolling under the fabric of her shirt as her arms were bending into the perfect angles, syncronized with her legs moves. All of our postures were chosen to reduce the wind resistance, to control the aerodynamics. But Rena... hers were perfection. Years passed since we were trapped here, since she was running in front of me and along those years I learned her moves by heart. The way she was shifting her head from one side to another, precisely calculating the 180° angle of her visual field, spotting the anomalies, the moves of the Sleeping Forest hungry trees, giving us every single useful informations that would help us for the Daily Run. Her emotions, her actions were under control like they had to be, while she was aknowledging the world around her, appreciating it, analyzing it. Her long hair was moving through the dark atmosphere, in a graceful and peaceful move and even if I couln’t see her eyes, I knew those dark pearls had the fierce, the will to see always further, the will to escape.

“Shelter One. Eye contact. 700 meters.” She kept saying loud enough to be heard by everyone but her attention suddenly drifted to the side. “JURINA! EPSILON, 500 METERS, LEFT CORNER!” Rena yelled, the tone of her voice changing as she did.

“EVERYONE, WE HAVE AN EPSILON CLOSE TO THE SHELTER DOORS, ONLY 500 METERS AWAY FROM US, LEFT CORNER. LOOK DOWN. DOWN. Stare at the ground, don’t raise your head until we reach the shelter. Shelter One, eye contact, 600 meters! It’s the final step, stay focused, we’ve seen this before!” Raising my voice as loud as I could, through the noises of the wind making the leaves go crazy, I passed the information to the girls and stared at the ground while running. Each one of them had to confirm they heard me. An Epsilon was an anomaly in the Sleeping Forest. It was a piece of this monster who was tracking us, though, instead of being behind us, running after us, chasing us, it appeared at random spots in the path, at unexpected moments... just, standing between the trees like a spectre, spying on us, waiting for us to look at it. It was impossible for us to know what an Epsilon really was, the ones who did that went through the same fate as the ones who looked behind : death. Without Rena’s word, all of us would have kept our eyes focused on the Shelter doors  and the corner of our eye would have caught the Epsilon. It would have been the end of us, all of us. But no, not today not this time.

The Shelters were bunkers at the end of the daily race, behind the finish line. A place where we could rest, hide, eat and sleep : a gift from the Forest to us. On the large rusty irons doors of the shelters we could always read a number. That day, a giant “1” was marked on it. When 500 meters were separating us from the doors, our presence was detected and the doors opened. Crossing the shelter’s doors at high speed, all the girls ran into it right after me. One by one they screamed their names as they stepped in. It was a way for us to know if everyone returned in time : Airi, Akane, Yuria, Nao, Akari, Masana.

“CLOSING DOORS.” Announced Akane and Airi who hurried to activate the pulleys on the sides. It was their role, the Doors keepers, the ones who were running behind me, they had to start pulling the doors down as soon as they entered. With the perfect timing, the monster couldn’t enter the shelter. It happened once, three year ago, a botch, a mess, a slaughter. Thanks for us, we learned the lesson.

“Where is Kanon?” I asked on an breathless tone, knowing this question would lead to nowhere, knowing the answer of it. A long, cold silence was filling the room. Only the sound of the rusty pulleys was squealing, spreading around, echoing into our minds, matching with the melody of our beating hearts while Kanon’s one was maybe playing its own requiem, into the Epsilon’s arms.

“Doors closed.” Akane finally mumbled, on a shaking tone, those tears running down her saddened features.

We lost one of us. At the final step of our cursed journey, we lost Kanon. Running from shelters to shelters, it happened to a lot of us, to die, to be caught. And it always was painful to keep running without turning back, hearing our dear friends screaming for help, screaming our names, screaming my name.

Jurina.

Jurina.

Help.

Jurina.

Take me away.

Take me away from it.

On our first missions, we were slow, unprepared, afraid : turning back, tripping on trees roots, falling on the ground, screaming, crying, that’s how half of our girls got taken by the allmighty enemy. With our restless training, our abilities, our six senses developping more and more everyday, the losses became rare. But that day, so close to finally escape from this madness, our pain got awaken.  Kanon, the Hunter. The young genius was light, fast, thin, dodging the branches with speed and perfection, jumping, rolling, crawling. Despite her young age, she had this rage inside of her. She always insisted to run in last position, with a bow she made herself and knifes. Kanon could sense the monster, from far away, throwing her weapons without even looking, without being sure they reached the enemy but she was able to feel it, to tell exactly where the monster was, how many meters were separating us to ... it. Kanon was the only one who managed to hurt the beast, to slow it down, saving us many times when we were too slow. Her role was one of the most difficult to handle : she had many responsabilities, pressure and had to adjust her speed to not break the formation and always stay behind no matter what. Sitting down on the shelter’s cold floor, we formed a circle, joining our hands to connect, to share our pain.

“For our sister, Kanon, tomorrow we will escape. 3 years, 8 months, 10 days and 20 hours is the amount of time we spent down here, in hell, together. Fear, Terror, Confusion, Incomprehension, Death, we faced everything together and finally, tomorrow, we will enter the Shelter Zero, the final stage, our freedom. I want all of you to have a good night of sleep and eat and drink properly. Like usual, the forest gave us water and supplies : eat as much as you can. We have to stay together, focused, I want everyone to clear their mind off any kind of negative thoughts because this is IT, the end of the journey. Let’s have a thought for Anna, Mina, Yuka, Rion, Nanako, Aya. And our little Kanon, who left for a better place today, without a scream, without a tear, she took her leave like a hero.”

We kept holding hands tight for a long time, in silence, like a pray. Honoring the memories of our sisters, begging God to look at us, just once and allow us to finally get out of here. We followed every single rule, every single path leading to the Shelter One, the one we were sitting in. We followed all of them, to survive, to reach the end of the tunnel so now, we had to believe, for the escape.

***

“Can I stay with you, tonight?” Asked Rena, her hands joined together, as she walked towards me when I was placing my blankets down the floor, setting my bed. 

In the shelter there were always bags waiting for us, everyone had one, no more, no less. Inside : two blankets, a pillow, three packed meals, two bottles of water, a clean shirt. At first we were confused but with time we just learned how to live with it. The strangest part was how the Sleeping Forest seemed to know how many girls would reach the next shelter. That night, there were eight bags, for the eight remaining girls, the Florest knew Kanon wouldn’t come here with us. But how? Since when? There were many unanswered questions. Yuria was the girl with the most interesting theories about all the Forest’s mysteries. Yuria, the Smart One. Without her, we wouldn’t be here. She was the one who first understood looking back would kill us all as she witnessed the first death : Rion’s death. She was the one who understood the monster was awake between specific hours of the evening, the one who understood we couldn’t stay in the same shelter more than twenty hours or else we would be trapped forever. All the questions she was asking herself, it felt like she kept most of them into her head, only sharing the useful ones. But when I was looking into her eyes, I knew she was keeping some of her discoveries for herself.

My attention was focused on Rena, I extended my hand to catch hers and pulled her frail body into my arms. Wrapping my arms around her, delicately, I held her tight and placed a kiss over her cheek. “Sure.” I whispered. Her eyes were still teary, her face marked by the fact she cried for our Kanon. I knew I wouldn’t be able to comfort her like she needed to be but I would still hold her all night long, to show her she wasn’t alone, to make her feel safe. We shared our last night in hell together, falling asleep, our bodies against each other, my fingers brushing her strands of hair slowly, my whole self embracing her warmness, looking for it, loving it. Rena, the Scout, the girl who was running alone but who needed love more than anyone else, I could feel it, sense it. Since the beginning, since day one, her and I, we connected. I wasn’t meant to be the leader at first, weak, young, frightenned, angry. There were those days when I just wanted to die. But Rena, it was different, no matter how much I saw her crying at night, she didn’t want to die, she wanted to fight for our survival. She was the one who gave me the strength, who pushed me to use my anger for something good : leading.

“Jurina.” She started, her soft fingers crawling over the sides of my shivering body, her whisper being soft enough to not wake up the other ones. We never turned the lights off, never, every single night we spent here, to prevent ourselves to be eaten alive by the darkness of our nightmares. Thanks to that, I could look into her eyes, lose myself into them.

“What do you think we will find behind Sheter Zero’s doors?" Rena asked on a soft, almost unaudible voice, never breaking the eyecontact. The Rena who was on the field, running for our lives, fierce, focused, determined was different from the one who needed to feel my fingers caressing her back, up and down her spine. I smiled at her. “Freedom. Our families, our friends, our lives back. Rena, at the other side we will be able to finally breathe, let go, our cursed journey will end there.” 

A soft chuckle escaped from her lips. No matter how rare it was to see her smile or laugh, whenever she did, I knew how to appreciate it, how to cherish it. Holding her even tighter, I abandonned myself into this embrace, my senses charmed by her sweet natural scent, my heart beating for her warm breath into my neck.

***

“Jurina. I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Said Yuria who was walking next to me, silently. tiding her hair up nervously.

I raised my head up, intrigued, my feet still progressing through the dead leaves and the tree roots. Our walks into the Sleeping Forest were organized in two parts. During the first one, we would talk, look around, even turn around, collect informations to know the place better , gather elements for weapons, because the monster wasn’t awake yet. Rena was still walking in the front, in case epsilons would show up or else, it was rather peaceful. Along the days, we saw the Forest die. The sun stopped shining, the birds stopped charping, life stopped being, the only remaining beating hearts were ours and the monster’s. The Forest was fell asleep. The landscape was just a darkness we were used to and iron and dust were covering most of it. But the clock was ticking, two hours after the peaceful walk would start the second phase : the Run. The Monster always woke up after that amount of time not before, not after, with its loud steps, fast steps, scrary steps, like a million souls running at the same time, ready to eat the prey alive. We never heard anything but that, no scream, no rawr, no word. Just the steps of a beast ready to absorb us. We once tried to cheat, to start running from beginning to fool the system and create our own rules, but it didn’t work, we just exhausted ourselves and lost two of our girls.

“I can’t get rid something off my mind.” Added Yuria. Despite how light hearted seemed to be the other girls, chatting about what they would do once we would finally be free, Yuria was the only sceptic one. “The Epsilon who caught Kanon yesterday. We came to the conclusion that Epsilons are anomalies, spectres, pieces of the Monster that aren’t supposed to be here? They just stand in the corner, between the trees, they are inactive, so why do the girls die because of them?” 

it was a question we aready asked ourselves, and the reply was pretty clear : it was all about the eye contact : once you see it, you die. We never truly understand how, the only ones who stopped to watch died as well. 

“What’s your point, Yuria ? We know why.”

“I know, that’s what bothering me. We followed the rules while being afraid of the monster and its epsilons but there is something... something the Forest don’t want us to see. The ones who died, they did because they saw it, its secret. We are terrified by this place but this place is also terrified by us and works hard to protect itself. This Shelter Zero, if we find it, if we find the secret of the Forest, maybe we won’t escape at all.”

Her words were making sense like always, in a way, it was intriguing me. The Forest isn’t our enemy, we are the enemies of the forest ? 

“Maybe. Maybe we are a threat but Yuria, we already discussed that you and I...”

“No no, not a threat, a tool, a piece of the machine. What if the Forest is afraid of us to find out its secret but can’t kill her yet because it needs us to reach the end. Everyday we got food, water, clean shirts, a place to sleep? What if it wanted to keep us alive for specific reasons. Reasons that--”

“Stop. No matter what is really waiting for us, the Shelter Zero is our only hope, the last hope. This is what we are fighting for since the beginning. This is why so many of our girls died for, we have to go there, for us, for them!” I said on a rather serious tone, my cold eyes stuck on her. “Yuria. Remind me the shelter we found on our first day here.”

“Shelter 1345.” Replied Yuria on a saddened voice, lowering her head. From 1345 to 0. Yes, Shelter Zero was the only reason why we didn’t completely lose our minds along those years through tears, blood and pain. 

I placed my hand over her back and gave her a pat. Despite all the mysteries, all the mixed feelings this last walk was bringing to our minds, we had to keep going, we had to keep the flames of our hope alive. Akane and Airi were happily laughing about the first meal they would share together when we would escape, Nao was silently eating the piece of bread she saved from her ‘lunch’ while smiling discreely at their words. And Akari was peaceful talking with Masana, making a top ten of the good things they were missing the most. That was the spirit  I wanted the girls to have : a happy, cheerful spirit. This simple fact brought a smile over my face.

“Alright girls, we keep going, the run starts in less than 30 minutes. Since Kanon isn’t here anymore, the last line is now Masana like we decided yesterday. I’m counting on you!” I said looking at the girl who needed once, determined to take care of Kanon’s role. I wans’t sure she would be able to handle it but we had no choice, it had to work, she had to stay alive.

And it happened, twenty nine minutes later, we took our positions. Our heads high, our breaths stabilized, our eyes full of determination and rage, focused straight ahead. Silence, just silence surrounding us. Stress, fear, apprehension, the same feelings were always invading me when I was standing there, behind Rena, in front of Akane and the others. I touched my belt to check if my knives were still here and waited, waited, waited.

Bam.

The first step. 

Loud, heavy. Behind us, far away and yet so close. How close was it? How close? Our bodies were shivering, almost shaking, adrenaline was kicking, our limbs were already on fire and our hearts, about to explode. The blood. Our blood was boiling into our arteries, our veins, taking the oxygen from our burning lungs. Sharp breathing, heavy breathing.

“READY.” Screamed Masana as it was her new role : to scream when she was hearing the first step. Her voice was trembling but like all of us, she was full of determination

Bam.

Second step.

“GO!” I then yelled at the top of my lungs. 

We started running. 

 It was like a melody, a cursed symphony echoing into the dark and dusty air, the monster chasing us with those heavy steps while our bodies were begging to survive. Branches, roots, lianas. We dodged, we jumped, we bended but our feet never slowed down, never. It was a dance, a cursed dance this hell taugh us well : the last dance. We kept running, running, never stopped running, our arms and legs shaped with the perfect right angles. We were shadows, moving through this endless night.

“Girls! Something is different. The steps, they aren’t as fast as before!” Screamed Masana from behind. “It doesn’t follow us like usual, we are faster, way faster! It’s far away from us! More than before, I swear, I can feel it!” Her tone was light, happy, yes,  we could all feel it, the fact we were finally reaching the end. The monster seemed surprisingly slow, weakened, as if it was ready to give up and let us go from his terrifying grip. It was the first time it actually happened. Akane and Airi screamed of joy at this and even I, was smiling in a way I never smiled before.

“Stay focused, don’t turn around!!” Claimed Yuria with a harsh tone. She maybe was the only one who didn’t want to believe it.

“Yuria is right, stay focused.” I commended to the girls who listenned and stopped screaming.

We kept running in silence, at the same crazy pace, our eyes wide open on the future that was waiting for us. The monster wasn’t there anymore, maybe it was but so far away, our steps were louder than its own. And after a while it finally happened.

“SHELTER ZERO, EYE CONTACT. 1200 METERS!”

From where we were, we could see it. The Shelter Zero.  In front of our eyes :  real, big, majestic, different. There were no rusty iron doors, this time it was glass.  Wide giant glassy doors, from the ground to the sky. Behind it... the sun, alive marvelous trees, birds flying around the green healthy leaves. Behind those doors, the endless sleep of the Sleeping Forest was over. This time we couldn’t hold it any longer, we started screaming so loud, tears of joy runnning down our exhausted features, getting mixed with the sweat of the Last Run. Our Garden of Eden was right there, under our eyes after those 3 years and 8 months of hell.

“Shelter Zero.. Eye contact.. 500 meters!” Rena’s voice was also showing her emotion, sweet breaking over her words. She had to stay focus just in case but her shoulders were shaking from the tears of joy, I could see that. Finally, I would make my Rena happy.

“We fucking did it!” Yelled Akari from behind, laughing of happiness. Her laughters followed my Masana’s ones.

“We did it! Girls, we finally did it! The rule sticks, nobody turn around until we open the Shelter Zero’s doors but HELL we did it!” I screamed, the tears making my own words sounding euphoric, unreal.

After the last 500 meters, we threw ourselves against the glassy doors. But nothing happened this time, nothing seemed to detect our presence.

“There is no way to open it here. We have to look for it, Doors Keepers, your turn. Quick. Go.” I said, glacing to the side to Akane and Airi who nodded, a wide smile on their faces. After all we went through, this little challenge wouldn’t prevent us from opening the doors to our freedom. Though, something caught my attention, there was more behind the glass, not just the sun, not just the trees but... 

“... life. Other human beings than us!” Commented Nao who stood next to me, glacing through the glass, her eyes wide open, in surprise, in shock. “There are people waiting for us outside, they knew we would come!” She added, burrying her face into her hands, her face probably hurting because of how wide was her grin.

“What are we waiting then? Let’s make some noise, let’s call them! We should scream and bump into the glass so loudly, they would know we are here!” Akari said, jumping everywhere. “Airi, Akane, come back here! There are people at the other side” The girl claimed, waving to call them back to us. 

“They won’t hear us.” Mumbled Yuria who stepped back from the doors, who stepped back from us, her whole body shaking. We all saw her face change, to an expression I never saw before, an expression of ultimate terror.

We stared at her, in silence. Our joy slowing down a bit.

“Those people, look at them. Just.. look at-- .. “ Her legs abandonned her and she fell on her knees like a liveless doll, enable to handle what she apparently saw. Mental breakdown. Yuria was just staring in front of her, absentmindedly, empty eyes, empty soul.

We took at look at them, the other humans. The silence was still filling the atsmophere all around us, a dead silence who suddenly became oppressive, heavy.  Those human beings, those people behind the glass, they wouldn’t hear it because there were... us, 3 years, 8 months, 11 days and 18 hours ago. Us, on our first day in this hell, on our first day when we ended in the Forest. The day we lost Rion, the day we got chased by the monster for the first time, the day we found the Shelter 1345.

Airi and Akane didn’t have to find a way to open this big glassy doors, in front of our paralizyed bodies, they slowly opened themselves. Like all the other shelters doors did i the past. Under our eyes, a path, not to our freedom, not to the outside word, but just a path connecting the Sleeping Forest to... the past.

Narrowing my eyes, I saw young myself : the Matsui Jurina of 3 years ago, standing next to... Yuka. All the girls were here, exactly like 3 years ago. The ones who died, Kanon and the other ones, and us, the survivors :  forteen girls. No... I could only count thirteen girls at the other side, one of the girl was missing. Who? Rion? No, she was there. Then... who?

What was happening? 

We were speechless, frozen, our minds empty from any kind of rational thoughts. The first scream of horror came from Akari, when she saw her 3-years-ago self at the other side, scared, she tried to run away but in her panic she broke the golden rule, the number one rule : never ever turn around. The girl faced what she couldn’t face. The Monster. It was here, behind us. In another scream, she disappeared. So close to us, at a few meters only.

What happened to her? I didn’t see, I couldn’t turn around.

The other girls though, they panicked as soon as the monster took Akari : they screamed, they cried, they fell, they didn’t know what else to do, they lost it, completely lost it  and , one by one, they disappeared. 

Yuria was still kneeled down next to me and slowly she turned her head to look at me. Standing up, her body moved slowly and she faced the monster, on purpose. I let out a scream, a scream of despair, a scream of terror, a scream who echoed through the wind.

The monster, the threat we had to run from, the faceless creature who chased un even into our deepest and most private nightmares, the one we couldn’t face or else we would understand all of this was a dead end : I had no other choice, I turned around and she was standing there, staring from the back.

Rena. My Rena.

Over her face, pale, motionless features, she seemed as confused, as scared as I was and yet, I could see into her eyes, something I never saw along those 3 years we spent together : no pain, no tears, no fear, but relief. A ghost of a smile then appeared over her lips, peaceful, a smile of freedom.

Behind her, an army of spectres : girls, translucide skin, pale, looking dead and yet alive, some of them were seeming younger than the others but they all had the same face : Rena’s one. 

The Epsilons.

Akari, Airi, Akane, Masana, Nao, Yuria were nowhere to be found, but more and more iron dust was twirling in the air, all around me  : their ashes.

Rena motionned her lips, slowly, clearly enough so I would understand her words.

“My cursed journey ends here. 

I’m sorry.

It’s your turn. 

I hated Rain. 

Annoyed by the way it was falling on us, on me. Cold and insensitive, freezing our skins, drowning our bones, invading our minds. We were nothing under the immensity of the sky, the connexion between the heaven and the humankind was damaged, broken. Under God’s watch, we were nothing more than insignifiant and soulless bugs praying for his meaningless protection. Were raindrops angels tears? Disappointed by our actions, our selfishness, our darkness, were they looking at us and crying? 

Yes.

My head was empty : the people, the noise, the mess, nothing around could reach me. I was alone, it was me and myself only, carried away by the melody of my own heartbeat, slow, familiar, peaceful. I was escaping reality, my mind being carried away, far far away from here. I didn’t want to come back. I didn’t want to open my eyes and aknowledge the rotten world around me. 

Unfortunatly, I had to.

When I finally jumped off the bus : it wasn’t raining anymore. I could hear the laughters and the voices of the oppressive crowd around me, flying above my head, teasing me, forcing their way into my system. Slowly, the invisible barriers around me were crumbling, every single pieces of my dear loneliness and freedom being taken away by .. 

.. reality huh?

I hated it.

I stood here for a while, letting the outside world tickling my senses in an unpleasant way, my hands down my pockets, the water trapped into my hair running down my neck, my body shivering everytime the wind was teasing my wet skin. I knew I would probably catch a cold by the end of this day but I didn't really care. Shruging off my pride and dignity, I joined them, the others, walking behind them straight to our beloved school. 

As soon as I crossed the portal, a hand grabbed my arm. I turned my head to the side and caught Miyuki's frowning eyes stuck on me.  I tried my best to countain my joy but I couldn't, the corner of my lips were already drawing a smile.

"Good morning, sunshine."

The ray of light through the fog of my own usual grumpiness. But despite my words and my more-than-friendly tone, she kept looking at me with that sceptic expression. I titled my head to the side, pretending I had no clue why she was acting that way. A little play I had a lot of fun playing.

"You're soaked." Miyuki threw at me, crossing her arms and raising an eyebrow. It made me smile even more. Was she trying to be authoritarian? With that voice of hers, it was pretty much impossible.

"I just took a shower." I replied, shruging nonchalently.

"Come with me. And hurry before classes start." She said dragging me through the schoolyard, heading inside the closest building. Miyuki wasn’t supposed to give up her spot at the entry of the school. As the president of the student council, leaving would certainly get her into troubles.

It was interesting to see how opposite we were, her and I. States of mind, behaviours, looks. I was the North, cold and harsh, she was the South, warm and sweet. Her dark and shiny hair had those beautiful perfect curls she was spending an entire hour to style, every morning. Her uniform was perfectly ironed, her ribbon tied up it the way it had to be and her skirt having the proper lenght. I was admiring her patience, her determination to look like they wanted us to, to look exactly how non of us wanted to be. She was a model, I was a dunce.

To wear the mask : I would never be able to do that. But for Miyuki, it sometimes felt it like the mask was wearing her.

Once we reached the bathroom, she opened the door and invited me inside. The place was white, empty and silent, it was just the two of us here with a disturbing smell of chlorine bleach. A smell I loved; I could spend hours, eyes closed, embracing this scent. I stood in front of the large mirrors, staring at my reflection. My hair was wet, my uniform ruined and my skirt way too short.

"Troubles are waiting for you, you know that." Miyuki whispered with a worried tone, taking my hand and bringing me closer as she turned her back on the mirrors. She started looking for something into her schoolbag and finally took a tiny white towel out of it. Delicately, she pressed the towel over my wet hair and my shoulders, hoping it would be enough to make me look presentable. 

Rule 12: Wearing a dirty, wet, torn or rumpled uniform is forbidden.

“They are waiting for you too.” I mumbled, staring at her.

Rule n°8: Protecting someone who broke the rules is forbidden.

"What about your umbrella? You could have borrowed one from me if you lost yours .. But hm, I'm pretty sure you forgot it on purpose."

Miyuki was right, I forgot this umbrella on purpose, but not for the reasons she believed. She always thought I was doing that to defy authority, to provoke, but it wasn't true, I was doing that because I knew she would take care of me. And I liked that, when she was trying her best to make me become a better person. A person more like her.

"It wouldn't happen if I had short hair." I said, locking my eyes with hers. She looked into them for a second before letting a sweet laughter escape from her mouth.

"I would like you with short hair. It would give you a .. boyish style, it would suit you, Sayaka. " Miyuki stated, her fingers quickly running through my long and heavy strands of hair, her imagination probably running wild.

Rule n°23: Short hair is forbidden. 

We were in a girls school, we weren't allowed to look like dirty boys so even if I wanted to cut it down, it was impossible. I placed my hands over her hips to pull her body closer to mine, against mine. Our lips were only separated by a few inches. I wanted to kiss her. Badly. We were so close. I could feel the heat of her skin spreading over mine. She smiled at me and kept trying to make my hair look better. My hands moved down until I reached to edge of the fabric of her skirt. I sneaked my impatient fingers under this skirt and placed their coldness over her burning thighs. She shivered, but didn't complain. A heartwarming feeling invaded my heart. Just by being with her, close to her, against her, I was able to forget : we weren't in the school's bathroom anymore, we were somewhere else, in a timeless and heavenly place where we could kiss, touch and love each other. We were in our own world. That reality I hated, with Miyuki, I could escape from it, for real.

"You should cut your hair too, you would be cuter." I whispered, as I was staring at her features, beautiful, delicate, precious features. She laughed again, in a surprising manner like I said something stupid. My hands start caressing her thighs, greedy, needy. She shook her head. "I can't do that. It's ..." Miyuki started, without finishing her sentence. There was hesitation dancing into her voice everytime she was thinking about that one word. Of course it was, forbidden.

"Like you and I?" 

I asked as my fingers were now running up, straight to her underwears, looking for the sensitive spot. Miyuki closed her eyes for a second and bite her lip : she liked it, a lot.

But she suddenly slapped my hand and pushed me away. It troubled me so much, I had to step back to keep my balance. I looked at her, my eyes wide open. I could have guessed she would do that and yet... 

"Stop it, someone could see us! it's not safe here, Sayaka, you know that!" 

She was right and yet her good behaviour annoyed me at this right moment. I frowned and she looked down, her fingers tightening around the wet towel she was still holding, so hard, it would break her frail phalanxes. Miyuki turned around and faced the mirrors again. 

"We shouldn't do that here." She added. 

I made two steps to stand right behind her and then wrapped my arms around her waist, delicately. We were  looking at our reflections. The good girl Miyuki and the bad one Sayaka. "Like you and I?" I asked again, burrying my head into her neck, my hands embracing her body, my grip getting firm around her. "Yes Sayaka. Forbidden. Like you and I." She finally replied, resting her hands over mine, brushing my fingers with her hers. I was feeling safe whenever I was with her. Safe but hurt. What we were, what we were doing, it wasn't allowed. 

Rule n°1. Romantic relationships between students are forbidden.

We stayed in that same position for a few minutes, our eyes closed on our awful and shameful secret. But the bell rang and reminded us we were still at school. "You should go first. As the president, you shouldn’t be late." I told her when I released her, my grip disappearing. She nodded and turned around to peck my lips quickly. 

In a few running steps she was already gone.

I sighed.