change is something sooyoung has always tried to embrace in spite of any circumstance, even if she'd rather have her hair permanently long and light brown for anything kt-promotional related than deal with something as life altering as moving. it's a foreign concept to her, living with anyone that she wasn't related to, and a part of wonders if the variances in their personalities would serve each of them well as roommates or if they would clash like she had heard about from so many ex-roommate pairs.
still though, sooyoung figures that it's better to get moving over with as soon as possible, and by the time that the ninth rolls around, she's more than a little relieved to find that tiffany must have had the same line of thinking. the evening of, sooyoung finds herself lounging on the couch as her eyes wander, before looking over to tiffany. everything still feels a little bit like a fever dream, and she wonders if she's the only one that feels this way. they're the only two in the dorm, and despite their penchant for not being afraid to goof around with each other, tiffany is the only person she trusts enough to confess real feelings to. "fanyfany~" she laughs a little somberly, "did you ever think we'd really get to this point?"
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taeyeon has been on her mind lately, partially because the younger has always seemed more worrisome and capable of doubting herself than the others do. maybe it’s silly to feel a little responsible for making sure that taeyeon’s okay, but lately sooyoung has been reminded that she is the eldest, which would technically make it her job, even if they weren’t friends. and who knows, maybe it’ll be good for them both to talk- sooyoung to stop isolating herself and for taeyeon to know that she does have a friend in her.
when she finds her, she only hesitates enough to knock politely on the door of the practice room before entering. “taeyeon-ah~” she smiles, having poked her head in the doorway first to see if she’s alone. “have i found the kim taeyeon’s private practice room? i might faint. i’m standing where a legendary singer has stood.” sooyoung clutches her chest as if the idea might cause her to faint before laughing. “i just wanted to see what you were up to lately.”
after the newness of a potential debut subsides, and special training tires them out for weeks on end, sooyoung thinks that a break should be given. it’s pretty unrealistic to expect one- after almost two years in the company she knows that it’s not very likely to happen. but her expectations are proved right at lunch the day after she feels exhausted enough to sneak away and nap somewhere.
“a flashmob is kind of a funny idea isn’t it?” she can’t help but feel like maybe she’s complaining a little, but if nobody else, yeri would understand the sentiment. it was odd when you thought about it; that announcement coupled with another that they were recruiting more trainees for ktrookies is enough to throw anyone for a loop. it felt like everything was beginning to run into one mass of time with no differentiation anymore. (no wonder she was feeling perpetually exhausted.) “i’m just not sure how it’s not going to like... look tacky, you know? who even does flashmobs anymore?”
—* did we tell you the name of the game, boy?
we call it riding the gravy train
NOVEMBER - - - EVALUATION # 17
[ MOCK ] INTERVIEW
“sooyoung-ssi, you’ve just debuted. tell us in three words about your group.”
“very cool girls.” sooyoung can’t help but laugh at the description hre own mind creates. it’s bad that she hasn’t practiced for this outside of listening to lectures. (thank god for the ability to put on a good show, sooyoung. otherwise one day you’ll end up in bigger trouble than you think. they told her.) it’s true, she thinks; because in real life, a quick tongue and a disarming smile had saved her too many times to count. kt is different. debuting is different.
“were there ever times you felt like you weren’t made for this and thought you’d be better going home?” there’s a glint in her instructor’s eye, she swears it. they know by her evaluation song choices her struggles- it’s an attempt to shake her, to see if she’ll falter on the spot.
(it’s a good one.)
she breathes, laughs ever so slightly and smiles- remember, smiling can get you out of so many things, youngie. “it would be lying if i said that there weren’t, “ she confesses, “but just like a normal person’s job, you can’t quit when it gets more challenging. training and debuting is an investment in yourself, and what you put in is what you get out.”
“speaking of tough times, how do you take care of yourself during promotion schedules? how many hours do you sleep each night, do you diet? how do you relax?”
think of what they want to hear- it’s easy if you don’t take it personally. act like you’ve done this all your life. “aish,” she smiles and shakes her head. “it’s hard! the other girls and myself nap sometimes, when we can. but i personally get about three hours- i think.” another laugh, “i enjoy routine, so when i sleep i don’t worry about hours; it’s just a cycle of always being prepared for something. i snack though,” she confesses it like she knows it’s a sin to mention the word, a coy smile playing at her lips. “i enjoy fruits most! which probably helps with dieting; lots of fruit and water, and yoga to relax.” she concludes.
the cycle continues- questions fired back and forth until it feels less like a fake interview and more like a ping pong match of the instructor trying to catch her; in what, she’s not sure. a lie? a confession to breaking contract? to cheating a diet? it feels most like a battle of wits, but sooyoung, a tactful liar, knows just how much of the truth to weave into the lies.
no, i don’t date. a laugh. none of us do, we’re too busy for boys.
shopping! i wish i could do more of it.
first kiss? a sideways look, mock surprise before more laughter (her cheeks hurt). you’re not supposed to kiss and tell, you know!
who works the hardest in our group? tiffany! she always cares for everyone, even when she doesn’t care for herself. we’re like a family when we’re together.
“you can go now, sooyoung.”
whether she regrets not studying for this, at least sooyoung has confirmed to herself that when she wants to, she can still tell a great tale.
—* are you gonna push back your dreams?
are you only gonna blame someone else?
SEPTEMBER - - - EVALUATION # 15
SPECIALIZED BOOTCAMP
[ 00:00 - 02:20 ]
a month (by no means) is enough time to master a skill- especially one in which there’s only a meager skillset to begin with. (at least there’s an interest in rap for sooyoung, she knows other trainees that haven’t even dabbled in the skill they were assigned; how unlucky for them.)
thankfully, training gods looked down on the entirety of seocho and decided that the companies could encourage the improvement of each skill via a bootcamp for the whole month. at first, she’s dismayed; dancing is more or less her lifeblood, and with the whirlwind of emotions that she’s been thanks to the turn of the season, she was looking forward to being able to take it out in that manner. rapping, although not her forte and only an entertained idea beforehand, quickly becomes another outlet.
kibum seems to have no complaints about working with her (she still finds it odd that he got stuck rapping when, as far as she knew, he could rap much better than many others. still, she’s not one to shun the chance to work with someone who actually has an idea of what they’re supposed to be doing), and he’s an easy person to get along with now that they’ve actually worked towards a friendship. even with their debate over who was being selfish about the recently announced debut opportunity for boys.
rapping quickly becomes an outlet for frustration and sooyoung (she thinks, and by no means claims to know) understands what kind of energy goes into a diss rap. rapping is a different way of expressing a frustration of emotions- it’s mixing sound and voice and lyrical wit into something that can be scathing and full of passion in only a few minutes.
it definitely takes time for her to understand, to nail the finer points of breath management and pronunciation, but by the time it’s her turn to stand in front of the trainers, sooyoung feels like she could be a rapper too, and write lyrics like these one day.
her pseudo-confidence turns into real confidence, and for once, through a rap that may or may not apply to how she’s been feeling this year, she feels as if all the frustration and anger and energy have been pushed into these two minutes.
rappers have an unbridled passion for their work, just as sooyoung does hers.
(maybe one day, she’ll be more than just ‘okay’ at it.)
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did you exchange a walk on part in the war
for a lead role in a c a g e ? ***
APRIL - - - EVALUATION # 11
WISH YOU WERE HERE ( original )
how i wish
how i wish you were here
she’s still not a singer, not even after eleven months of arguably the hardest training she’s ever been put through, but sooyoung has always been honest about her feelings (has she? she’d like to say that nine out of ten times she was). she’s never liked ballads either, and slow dancing, she’s capable, assuredly, but it doesn’t convey what she wants it to.
what does she want to say?
it’s nearing a year since pen was put to paper, and she signed her life to kt for two years.
a lot has changed in just one of those, and in the midst of even a month, sooyoung isn’t sure where exactly she stands anymore. a year ago, there was tiffany beside her, pushing her to put the dedication into a career that she wasn’t sure she actually wanted (she did, but not as bad as others). the guilt still hangs heavy over her from the competition- never before had she thought herself to be the type to regret taking an opportunity like the mgas, but she does.
she knows that she’s learned and grown not only as an artist, but as a person, though a better one than she was? she’s still not sure. the company has grown on her, that much is definite, and for someone that’s never been great at taking on ‘projects’ that last longer than perhaps a few weeks, it’s a grand accomplishment. and compared to the years of dedication that others have put in, she wonders how they do it. she understands why some consider joining royal’s show, why some disappear after training only to never return (she thinks of jongin, the one friend she had in the mgas that got offered a contract, and stayed, only to leave). is it as easy to leave as others have made it look? sooyoung considers it, but then remembers the friends that she has here now, and how much she has come to love kt, even on the worse days when it seems that everyone is ready to quit- no matter how long they’ve been here.
she’s ready to quit- was ready to quit four months ago before she realized how eerily close a year's time was. was it a good or bad thing that a year had passed so quickly? she doesn't feel any different than she was all those months ago, but she knows that she is. is this how everyone else felt, watching time tick by and contracts expire and renew with nothing else to do but the same repetition day after day? now, after almost a year, she thinks she finally understands tiffany's first pep talk to their small little team at the beginning, when they placed so poorly- now she understands the other side of it, and maybe has never been more grateful for those very words. this is her last evaluation before the halfway point; on the precipice of deciding whether she can continue like this for the sake of people like jaebum and jimin, whose chances were obliterated, yet people who were more deserving, and the niche she had carved out for herself within the people of kt, or calling it quits and admitting to herself that she did get in over her head- that even though she loves training with taemin and taeyeon and tiffany and the whole of those who had welcomed her (and those that she did welcome too) into the company, she's not cut out for it. it's a hard place to think about being, and more often than not it seems more than easy to ignore, the inexplicable weight of pressure she was putting on herself. was she trying to redeem her mother's name in some twisted sort of sense, hoping that her success would overshadow her mother's failure?
she's still not a singer, but the song she wants to sing seems more than fitting; she's sung along to it at the top of her lungs and by herself several times, her favorite band and most likely (definitely) not the first kind of song that would come to the minds of the trainers.
so she trains, and she rehearses, swapping sacred violin times for lessons in guitar, silently begging that she won't sound absolutely horrendous with such a stripped down song- different than anything she's done before, and certainly more raw. thankfully, it's not a performance- is that more or less pressure? criticisms that might be held back during performance evaluations could easily be said here.
practice, she's learned, doesn't make perfect. but it does make things better. and while it feels like everything she does lately is a shot in the dark, at least there is a small comfort in knowing that she has made it this far.
although they still try to maintain their weekly lunch together as much as they can, the longer sooyoung finds herself in kt, the easier she finds it to disconnect from taemin, as far as forgetting to check up on him like a sister should do. she knows he doesn’t mind, but the reminder is almost always present in the back of her head, telling her that she really should be trying a little harder despite everything else.
and so today, between classes, she plops down next to him, intent on catching up, but instead blurting out something that probably comes across as stupidly selfish (though she thinks it comes across as more of a joke thanks to the grin that accompanies it). “so i heard that somebody in kt is having a birthday soon, and they might be getting older,” she says it with an implied tease at the fact that she’s the older one between them, even though taemin behaves like it, “so they technically deserve a lot on that day. don’t you agree?”
