debut. minseo makes good points about the song choice, at least. if a hundred idol hopefuls had to learn the dance for a shot at debut, jinwook thinks it’s a fair gauge for his personal rite of passage, too.

at the same time, it’s a gamble. the choreography is difficult, and expectations will be high, and if jinwook can’t keep up, maybe baek jiyoung will send him off the ship entirely. maybe they really will fail him. debut plans shift all the time, and sphere isn’t obligated to honor his commitment just because jinwook told them he wanted it.

so it’s an opportunity to reassure himself as much as it is for his coaches to evaluate. for all his lamenting, he really does feel like his dance skill has been going somewhere since the summer. even if minseo barely gave him so much as a passing rank. 

and for all the insecurities about why me and feeling his debut chance is undeserved, maybe this will prove it to himself, calm his worries until the next ones arise;

and if and when jinwook does debut, maybe he’ll rest easier with the shared experience of a hundred others.

170926 D-4  |  “i think i should switch to pick me from season one. baekhyun tried to teach me that one last summer. i remember complaining a lot, but i don’t think the girls’ choreography was as hard as this one.” jinwook is frowning in front of his laptop again, rubbing out a sore shoulder. it’s amazing how much a day or two of struggle has managed to change his attitude toward the challenge. “dance bootcamp is just—” he mimes chomping jaws, eyes blown wide. the room is dim, but his teeth flash bright white in the webcam preview. “—it’s trying to eat me alive.”

back in jeju, minseo appears unamused. “it’s barely been two days, oppa.” she tsks. “you shouldn’t give up on yourself so easily.”

he shouldn’t. but he can, and he does more often than not. it’s always been this way — jinwook is disciplined in many ways, but other mountains seem impossible to climb, so why bother making a fool of himself?

“it’s just the way i am... you know that.”

his sister frowns at that, but it’s the barely-suppressed sigh and eye-roll that get to him — as if it’s so ridiculous to even suggest such a thing. part of jinwook is baiting her to prove him wrong. he’s exhausted, so he’s not hiding anything, and besides, jinwook really believes it sometimes. it’s unacceptable for an idol, though - for a group that will be asked, who is the most diligent, where the answer may be murky among the rest of the shining sphere boys, but no one will think of jinwook. maybe they will scoff to themselves as they glance over him in consideration.

jinwook’s eyes flicker to the clock in the corner of his screen. it’s late, but the twins are studying for entrance exams this time of year. they hardly ever sleep, so minseo probably needs the break. jinwook doesn’t feel too bad about it. she’d never ignore a call from him anyway.

she knows that this is when he needs her most often: when he’s home alone after training; when his coaches are too harsh but eve is too understanding; when it’s too late to call his grandmother; jinwook’s little sister will unfailingly give him a fresh perspective. she’ll tell it to him straight:

“that’s just the way you are? you can’t dance because you’re lazy?” minseo laughs with all the spunk of an incredulous seventeen year-old. “like, that excuse is bullshit and you know it.”

jinwook expected as much. he knows that hearing it from her holds him more accountable, but he flinches anyway; sometimes his baby sister can make him feel like the smaller one. “that’s not what i’m really saying.” lazy isn’t the right word. it’s so discouraging, though, to sweat all morning in dance workshops, then come back from lunch only to start from scratch, every step muddled and forgotten. every day the same story. whenever jinwook feels like he has the basics down, the next move throws him for a loop all over again. he’s discouraged. maybe pessimistic, but he would hate to associate that word with his personality.

he swallows hard. the same voice gets stuck in his head every time he starts learning a new choreography. how could minseo understand? his little sister has always been so much more talented, even with things that jinwook taught her himself. everything came more naturally to her. “i know you don’t get it—”

“—and i know you’re not lazy,” interrupts minseo. “for real, is that what you’re gonna say? that i don’t get it because i’m a better dancer than you? yeah, we knew that, oppa.” minseo pauses and finally checks her tone. the sneer falls and a strand of hair flutters with her next breath, making the video stream lag for a moment. when she speaks again, jinwook is relieved to hear something less abrasive. “but how do you think you made it so far already?” minseo softens. “like, as far as i’m concerned, you’ve had to work even harder to catch up this whole time? it doesn’t make sense to give yourself an out now?”

all of jinwook’s heart jumps at her sincerity, yearning to agree. “i know you’re right,” he says, “it’s just frustrating.” he just wishes this past year of dance workshops could feel like it’s worth something when he’s still lagging behind, even in this bootcamp, where none of the other participants specialize in dance either.

his brain tells him his time investment is worth something; jinwook knows this to be true when he digs up archives of older workshops and compares them to his skills today. he prefers to be known for his optimism at sphere too, so to minseo he is eternally grateful for bearing the burden of the more negative moments. his heart still weighs heavier in weeks like these, but he can feel it lighten the longer she stays online with him.

“don’t worry,” he says suddenly. “don’t they get three days of practice in the show?” jinwook tries to let out his tension with a weak chuckle. “i guess i still owe it one more try?”

“yeah,” says minseo, “they do. and you do.” she purses her lips as a long moment of quiet passes, but doesn’t push the lecture further. “wanna show me what you’ve got so far?” she warms her expression with an encouraging smile that has all of her usual energy, but the edges carefully softened. “y’know i learned this one back when it first aired, right?”

170928 D-2  |  jinwook sets his laptop on top of a makeshift computer stand and cautiously steps back, checking its balance. this is one of the more remote practice studios in the building, so the wifi range can be spotty — a sigh of relief leaves his lips when minseo answers the call, appears on his screen and waves hello.

“i’ll make this quick,” says jinwook once the connection stabilizes, “since i’m not sure if you’re supposed to see inside sphere. but i’m one of the last ones around tonight, so — you won’t tell on me, right?” he grins. “just calling to show you that i’m all caught up to the evaluation segment on produce 101 now~”

“it took me a little too long to get it down... but today i worked with a coach i’ve never had before — something about her really made things click this time?” less lefts and rights and fluid counts; more about relative placement and movements matched to lyrics. it’d made a world of difference before jinwook even registered the subtle shift in vocabulary. he chuckles sheepishly. “i know that sounds silly. things don’t really click for me, so it probably helped that i’ve been re-learning the same sections all week, though.” jinwook can feel himself rambling but he knows minseo won’t mind. it must be pleasant to see his usual optimistic self after all his doubts prior.

his sister is five years younger but he’s considered her his equal for a long time; in some ways, both minseo and minjae seem more mature than jinwook. he already knows the twins will both do better than him on their university entrance exams. it will only be a year or two from now that they eclipse his education level entirely.

he’s struggled a lot with insecurities there, but minseo never makes him feel stupid even if she can be blunt. she holds an elegant self-assurance in contrast to minjae’s arrogance; one that always lifts jinwook up in the end. “that’s not dumb,” says minseo. her excitement is genuine, eyes bright. he’s grateful that she doesn’t acknowledge his fickle swings in attitude toward the song. “it’s so cool, see? maybe you were only missing the right instructor this whole time. c’mon, lemme see!”

jinwook’s steps aren’t perfect or delicate, but they’re more legible than they used to be. he watches himself in the mirror and tries to stay within view of his laptop’s webcam. one day he’ll fix his body lines and hunched shoulders. for now, he’s content to keep his feet on the ground and a smile on his face. it’s more than a solid start.

there’s lag to the video call, but he knows minseo will humor him regardless. when he returns to his laptop, he sings a line: “please remember this moment~ tonight~~”

“i will remember this moment, tonight~” minseo sings her promise to the same melody, giggling. “you were so much better, oppa. seriously, i think you’ll get the rest done in no time!”

“it’s a big surprise, isn’t it? i’ll do my best.” jinwook is pleased, but can hear sleepiness in her tone now. he tries to wipe away the heartache that comes with that realization. he wishes he could tuck her in or something, but he hasn’t seen her in over a year. “you should get to sleep,” he adds. “thanks for the feedback, minnie. just don’t get your expectations up too high.”

she smiles in a knowing way. “good luck on saturday, i think you’ll surprise yourself even more.” she raises an encouraging fist before disconnecting. “kim jinwook fighting~ goodnight, oppa.”

jinwook dances one last time that night, spontaneously singing over the track along with the choreography. it’s ambitious, given his exhaustion and the song’s high vocal range, but if jinwook doesn’t sound great, at least he remembers all the steps. he’ll forgive himself for that.

he packs up his laptop and plugs in headphones before he leaves. he thinks of sphere and of debut as he runs the choreography in his head: pick me, pick me, up. please pick my heart.

his chest feels lighter on the walk home.

171001 D+1  |  he emails minseo the video from his final pre-evaluation practice, watching it back a few times before he hits send. 

tonight the star is me, it’s me, it’s me~ the last person to steal your heart~~ ㅋㅋ im ready for my new rank? 🙈🙈

her video call arrives only a few minutes later. jinwook answers and speaks quickly over her greeting: “actually, please don’t judge me. i’ll be happier without knowing.” he laughs, nerves spiking. “i just wanted you to see it.”

“oh— jinwook oppa, are you sure you don’t want your re-evaluation?” he can hear painted fingernails clicking against her desk, and a drawn-out hum of consideration. “i’ll spoil it and tell you that you’re not an f, at least.”

this is just an evaluation, but it’s more than that.            this could be the last evaluation as a kt trainee -- and that’s a thought that propels woohyun forward. it makes him want to work harder, showcase his work. if woohyun is going to leave, if he’s going out to try to debut under sphere, the least he could do is give it his all and give the very best he did as a kt trainee.

kt deserves it. everyone there deserves nothing but the best so woohyun will give it all in full. 

when the song starts woohyun shuts his eyes and exhales, offers a lazy smile on his face as his body moves automatically to the beat. little sways and jerks and slight movements of the beat as he lets his body find a natural rhythm, remember practice and the muscle memory. he pops his body and move his arms, teeth biting into his lip as he tries to keep it as up to the beat as possible; popping isn’t something he’s good at, but the song doesn’t have a whole lot of it so he’s thankful for that.

once he hears the lyrics being spoken up, background at first-- woohyun steels himself. he inhales sharply, and tightens his body. once the lyrics starts and the beat gets faster along with the words, his body moves, feet shuffling and arms moving, sharp movements and stretches that he does with a concentrated face and held breath. 

in general, the song is fun. a lot of spin movement, exaggerated arm stretches and wide swings. the further he gets into it, the more his face relaxes; a smile takes over as he lets his body move into muscle memory, enjoy the feel of the beat. he has more fun at a part with his arms stretched out and slow movements forward as he spins his arm. it’s a fun, slower move that requires a lot of focus on his part, but the sight of it in the practice mirrors always brought a smile to his face so he hopes it does the same for the ones watching.

he slides across the floor, arms following the movement of the beat and mouth moving the some of the words he can understand. his clothes brush on his skin with each movement, and woohyun exhales sharply through his nose, eyes narrowed with focus. 

once the chorus hits and woohyun’s left arm raises high as his waist and hips move along with the song, he steers himself for the breakdown. he swallows tight but tries to loosen up the features of his face so he doesn’t look like he’s struggling or it’s hard. his feet move across the floor as his arms move in tangent with his other limbs. 

once the beat drops, he’s moving-- body going into muscle memory as he exhales, lips quirking up and eyes falling shut as he jerks his body into the proper motions. once the breakdown moves into the next chorus does woohyun begin to slow-- the song fading out as he breathes out harshly, raking a hand through his hair as he stills.

Now it’s time for our wrap up Let’s give it everything we’ve got Ready? Begin

Artificial amateurs aren’t at all amazing Analytically, I assault, animate things Broken barriers bounded by the bomb beat Buildings are broken, basically I’m bombarding Casually create catastrophes, casualties Canceling cats got their canopies collapsing Detonate a dime of dank daily doing dough Demonstrations, Don Dada on the down low Eating other editors with each and every energetic Epileptic episode, elevated etiquette

Furious fat fabulous fantastic Flurries of funk felt feeding the fanatics Gift got great global goods gone glorious Getting godly in his game with the goriest Hit ‘em high, hella height, historical Hey holocaust hints hear 'em holler at your homeboy Imitators idolize, I intimidate In an instant, I’ll rise in an irate state Juiced on my jams like jheri curls jocking joints Justly, it’s just me, writing my journals Kindly I’m kindling all kinds of ink on Karate kick type brits in my kingdom

Let me live a long life, lyrically lessons is Learned lame louses just lose to my livery My mind makes marvelous moves, masses Marvel and move, many mock what I’ve mastered Niggas nap knowing I’m nice naturally Knack, never lack, make noise nationally Operation, opposition, off not optional Out of sight, out of mind, wide beaming opticals Perfected poem, powerful punch lines Pummeling petty powder puffs in my prime

Quite quaint quotes keep quiet it’s Quantum Quarrelers ain’t got a quarter of what we got uh Really raw raps, rising up rapidly Riding the rushing radioactivity Super scientifical sound search sought Silencing super fire saps that are soft Tales ten times talented, too tough Take that, challengers, get a tune up Universal, unique untouched Unadulterated, the raw uncut

it’s not the first time, so why, why, just why in the hell didn’t she know better?

too good to be true, that’s what she called it from the very start because he’s too cheesy, too understanding, too wonderful in all the right ways. she could fall in love ( read as: she did ) and cassie nailed that right on the head. “he gets you,” she said, and tiffany denied it to the very end.

she denied it in the same way she denied him the chance to get her. a relationship where even the wrongs become right was now one that fell apart with one word. a word that shattered everything because insecurity claims them both. they’re too alike after all.

too stubborn to fix it. too stubborn to give in.

yet, there’s just too much they’re giving up. there’s no immediate symptoms. the poison that is him takes his sweet time and she still smiles, still functions, still pretends nothing is wrong.

nothing is, right? more like, nothing’s right.

the poison takes hold, lays claim, dominates and destroys; but before it wrecks everything she’s worked for, she uses it to her advantage, lets it thinks it has the final verdict. just like a joke between her and bobby, tiffany insists you think what you want — because no matter how dominant a personality bobby has, it was always tiffany that made the final choice.

she has to tell herself she chose this. the same way she chose her dream, just as she told her mga team — if this is your dream, act like it. so she chooses a song and everything falls into place. even when she falls on her ass, she picks herself right back up and goes back into position.

the love she lost she’ll focus on giving to herself.

however lost she feels, however sad she feels, it won’t hinder her but it’ll become herstrength. if he’s both the poison and the cure, she’ll build a tolerance all on her own.

her muscles ache, her body cries for rest, and her soul begs to sing instead of dance, but she has to. because sometimes words just aren’t enough. lyrics wrap around her heart and instead of lips parting, it’s feet that move, controlled movements of her arms, a dance that she didn’t think would mean so much. cassie thought she needed to sing, needed to cry, but as she stands in front of the trainers who she’d seen this entire week, she knows, maybe, just maybe, she needed to dance.

the lyrics of her mother’s favorite song drift, play over the melody in her mind for a moment, and she feels an overwhelming sense of comfort.

i hope you dance — for once, tiffany hopes for the same. more than learning the choreography, it was about not looking awkward, about not looking out of place, and if there’s something tiffany is most grateful to bobby for teaching her right now, it’s being confident in her own skin. she’d thought she appreciated herself before until he showed her she could dobetter.

(     ♫,   you’re bad for me, i clearly get it             i don’t see how something good             could come from loving you             the death of me must be your mission             cause with every hug and kiss             you’re snatching every bit of strength             that i’m gon’ need to fight off the inevitable             and it’s a heart breakin’ situation i’m up in, but i can’t control    )  

this is what it’s like to truly let go, and until she’s ready to let go completely of him, this’ll do. more than energy, it’s her pent-up frustration, her irritation, her anger, her sadness, howconflicted she’s been. anything and everything she’s thought bubbles through to the surface, dangles on her fingertips, spill out in her gestures, and it’s love that wins out.

(     ♫,   you’re just like poison      slowly moving through my system      breaking all of my defences with time      you’re just like poison and i just don’t get it      how can something so deadly feel so right?

     i’m not sure of what to do it’s a catch 22      cause the cure is found in you      i don’t want it but i do, you’re just like poison    )  

but the time comes to pick the song he’s going to perform, and a single song comes to mind. it’s one he’s been listening to rather frequently over the past month, the lyrics resonating with him so deeply that he can’t get it out of his head. sometimes he wonders whether everyone has trouble talking about their worries, their fears, or their secrets. most people at least confide in a close friend, don’t they? so why can’t ten? why is that every time he tries to tell someone that he feels like he’d drowning, nothing comes out?

he puts all of himself into the song, because maybe someone will hear the desperation and loneliness that clings to every note, every word, and causes his voice to break every time he practises alone, tears threatening to spill. maybe he’s afraid of how he feels, and he’s not surprised at the fact, not after the pain of last time. trying to move past this point in his life is the best way to save himself from that same pain enveloping him again. 

jaehyun had unknowingly left him entirely terrified of his own heart. 

his hands shake as he stands in front of the trainers, clutching the mic so tightly his knuckles turn white. there’s only one person in his mind as he lets his head hang for a moment, preparing himself to begin. it takes a moment to relax, trying to stop his breathing shaking, before he begins. 

and i hate to say i love you when it's so hard for me and i hate to say i want you when you make it so clear you don't want me

the true emotion is crystal clear in every word he sings, voice slow, but strong. it’s the perfect song for him at this point in his life, he thinks. it’s as easy as breathing to put his entire heart and soul into the song, because in a way it’s as if he’s finally speaking up about how he feels, even if it’s indirectly, and even if the people listening might not truly realise that the song outlines everything that’s making ten hurt these days. 

i'd never ask you 'cause deep down i'm certain i know what you'd say you'd say, "i'm sorry, believe me, i love you but not in that way."

it’s hard to hold back tears at the line that cements in ten’s beliefs that once again, his hearts going to be broken, and he’ll be left a tiny pile of shattered pieces, forgotten for others happiness. his voice trembles slightly, but it adds to the emotion of the song, the softness broken at perfect points by the overwhelming sadness that clings to the melody. 

And I hate to say I need you I'm so reliant I'm so dependent I'm such a fool

it’s true, he thinks, a sad smile gracing his lips as he sings the lyrics that feel like his own; he really is a fool. you think he’d have learnt form the first time that you don’t fall for your friends, especially not when they’re boys. you don’t give your heart to someone who will never keep it safe, and never acknowledge it’s fragility. yet he still can’t control his desires. he can’t stop the recurring dreams of that night after the party, when warm lips made him feel wanted - the dreams that leave him in tears when he awakens. 

when you're not there, i find myself singing the blues. can't bear, can't face the truth

it’s why ten can’t tell him. he can’t stand to hear those words, to have his tiny grain of hope shattered along with every other part of him he’d let fall by the wayside. if he can pretend he has a chance, maybe he can hold onto the heart he’d spent months gluing back together piece by jagged piece, that still has a few tiny pieces missing, lost among the debris of the innocence of his first love. 

you will never know that feeling you will never see through these eyes

there’s almost a resentment in the lyrics that make ten want to give a humourless laugh, because it’s true. he feels like he’s completely alone, while his friends fall in love, while they smile at their partners, hold hands, and live in bliss. they’re living in the light, while he’s stuck in shadow, constantly stabbed by those broken pieces of his heart he can never manage to glue back together with the rest of what he’s salvaged. 

he’s alone in his pain. 

i'd never ask you 'cause deep down i'm certain i know what you'd say you'd say, "i'm sorry, believe me, i love you but not in that way." you'd say, "i'm sorry, believe me, I love you but not in that way."

he’s barely holding back tears as he reaches the last line of the song, and his voice nearly breaks with emotion. there’s not enough of him left to be concerned for the judgement of the trainers watching. every shred of him is lost in the emotion that floods him like the tears threatening to spill.

he knows he’s stretched too thin, knows he’s worrying about too many things, what with trying to write a rap for his evaluation while thinking about what he’ll do about sphere and also worrying after dongmin and jaehyun, both of whom he knows aren’t doing well in the face of this huge decision. 

he’s tired, and gentle, happy moments with rachel, dongmin, jaehyun, or all three -- like when they all made him a cake for his birthday and they had a little party -- make him almost want to give it all up, because those moments feel so nice and easy. they remind him of his time so long ago with luminosity, but for once those memories aren’t tinged with longing or resentment; they’re a reminder that he’s had this kind of love before, and that it exists in his future too. 

he just hates that it can’t exist in his present -- not if he takes this opportunity and finally accomplishes what he’s been working towards for more than three years. 

the decision isn’t really a decision -- he knew immediately when he heard that he wanted to try, that he couldn’t let this opportunity pass, not when royal is about to debut a girl group and it’s impossible to say if he’ll even still be of considerable age before they decide to debut a boy group. 

the only question is of whether dongmin and jaehyun will do it too, because the thought of leaving either of them behind makes kibum want to throw up. that also reminds him of luminosity, but of the aftermath: of the feeling of abandonment, of feeling like there was no one left in the world who truly cared about him. and when he thinks of jaehyun’s relationship with his parents, or of how dongmin was literally kicked out less than a month ago, he can’t let himself even consider doing that to them. 

he isn’t selfish anymore, and he isn’t working for only his own dream. he needs to be there to support his boys, too -- but if they decide they don’t want to leave royal, then he doesn’t know what he’ll end up doing. it’ll come down to choosing between his career and them, and he honestly doesn’t know which one he would choose. 

so he doesn’t worry about that. that isn’t a problem he has to face right now, so he leaves it. he has enough to worry about for now. 

( and oh boy, is he worrying. )

he manages to write his own rap for the eval, writing one long verse that, when he times himself, lasts just over the one-minute minimum. he writes about striving for success, describes a vision of running, constantly running, with a hand outstretched, but it’s as if things hold him back, or trip him up, or even as he gets closer to the goal, the road gets longer. 

he writes about the frustration of watching others give up, and of wanting to give up himself. of wanting to live an easier life, pursue a different dream. but there is no other dream. 

that line always makes him think of rachel, of the way his heart skips a beat every time she smiles, of how content he feels in their apartment with their pets and the lost boys they seem to have adopted. there is no other dream. that line feels like a lie, because there is, now. there is another dream, one where he can settle down with rachel and live a happy, peaceful life teaching dance, maybe acting in musicals or modeling. 

so he modifies the line. if i did anything else, i’d never forgive myself. 

he’s here. he’s got the opportunity; he’s worked for three years towards this moment. if he gave it up, even for the happy home he’s found, he would never be able to live with himself. he would always ask “what if,” would never be satisfied in his life because he could have had more. 

i fight to avoid regrets, to avoid ‘what if’ i fight against the frustration, i fight with determination i fight for everyone who can’t anymore i fight because if i didn’t, i could never be satisfied

i’ve been on this path for too long to stop fighting now. 

his notes are full of ideas scrawled and crossed out until he ended up with lines he was satisfied with, squeezed in between notes and scribbles and barely legible to anyone but him. he kept intending to transfer them to a clean page while he was practicing, but never brought himself to do it. after all, he could read them well enough, and he kind of likes the look of the page so full of ink. it reminds him of his own mind, and makes a note on the next blank page of the book to write about “a page full of ink.”

when he finally stands in front of the panel and starts rapping, it’s more of a relief than anything. he’s just glad to finally be getting this over with -- it’s just one less thing to be worried about. 

the lines fall from his lips easily, after more than a week of working on the lyrics and intently practicing under the guidance of the very coaches judging him now. he raps his lyrics, a flame of pride warming his chest at the thought that he made this. without him, these words, this rhythm, would have never existed. these ideas would never have been expressed, and even if this is just a private evaluation and it’s impossible to know if anyone will ever actually hear this verse, he’s still proud of it, because it’s his. 

it’s a contradiction, like he often feels he is: the beat ( made during a very stressful day with one of his coaches in the recording studio ) is gentle but strong. the words are soft but still intimidating, still powerful. the lyrics themselves are a declaration of strength and determination, but still carry a subtext of uncertainty -- that idea of what if i’m not enough, what if i’m just wasting my time that isn’t explicitly written, but is hidden between the lines and within kibum’s voice as he raps the lines. 

as he’s performing, he feels nothing but focus on don’t fuck up, you’ll mess up the whole thing and pride at the fact that he created this from nothing. 

when it’s over, he feels relieved, but also exhausted, as if he just bared his soul to these coaches who don’t give a shit, and now he has to recover emotionally from that tender moment.