#ksdfh

(ive been doing vikings rp stuff for the pAST WEEK and omgg my floki is perfection tb)

Sometimes, okay all the time, I lay in bed and stare up at my ceiling and wonder where my life has gone. It just seems to be slowly going down the gutter.

My home life has never been that great. I mean, the first nine years were great. But at the age of ten my dad had a heart attack and after that he became this spiteful, abusive person. Lets start at the beginning. My 4th grade year (christian private school) is when things started going south. I was constantly bullied by the two boys I sat in between. They would put pencils and erasers in my desk and tell the teacher I stole them so I got in trouble with the teacher all the time. I would always go to her and tell her that I didn't do it and the boys were framing me and making fun of me but she ignored me. So I tried to deal with being made fun of and having no friends. 5th - 7th grade I was home schooled. This is where my semi normal life blew up. Since I was home schooled I saw and heard everything my parents did. My dad would treat my mom like crap. They ran a business together. It was appliance repair. My mom would take the calls, schedule appointments, got directions, file the work, do the taxes, make sure the bills were paid on time. On top of that she took care of me. My dad went to the job or jobs, depending how long it took. My mom tired to hide the dysfunction in her marriage but it was obvious. My dad would get angry if the laundry wasn't put in the dresser when he wanted it. The house wasn't clean enough. "Spending too much on groceries. We don't need all that food. Why did you buy groceries. Why is there nothing to eat. Why do I have to fix it myself." She didn't cook enough. The food wasn't good. We went out to eat too many times. We didn't go out enough. She wrote down the directions wrong. She wrote down the number wrong. The files weren't filed right. She wasn't doing it fast enough. Too many animals (3. 2 dogs and a cat). the clothes she bought him for Christmas/birthday was too big/small/ not the color he wanted. "Christmas trees are of the devil, I refuse to help put it up". But that wasn't enough. He had to move on to someone else. Me. After he came back from a job he would bring home him and my mom food but wouldn't ever bring me anything claiming, "I thought you already ate." or "You don't look like you needed it anyway." and there started my eating disorder. I rarely ate after that. My friends asked why I didn't eat lunch at school. I was too shamed to let anyone know what was going on. That was 9th - half of my 12th grade year. 8th grade was hell. I got bullied the whole year. I sat by myself by the teachers desk (who was the principles wife) to make sure I was safe. I remember this one guy took my book and I made a snide remark and he said, "You always sit by yourself and you're mean and ugly, no wonder you don't have any friends." I cried about that the whole year. It has still never left me. 9th grade got better, I made friends, and a girlfriend.

 Hayley. My first love. She didn't come in till half the year and she was pretty mean in her own.. masochistic way. She mellowed out A LOT though. We had a rocky relationship, it was on and off 9th -10th grade. But 11th - 12 we usually only made it 5 -6 months at a time. I still loved her so much. Anyway, she would tell me to eat but... I was too shamed to tell her or any of my friends. I used to be able to eat plates and plates of food. After I started starving myself I haven't been able to eat a whole plate of food from a buffet.

The rest of the school year was good but stressful due to home life. My dad started shoving me to the ground around the time he started the starvation thing. I was really fragile and nearly ended up in the hospital or anorexia. I was eventually diagnosed with general anxiety, depression, mild paranoid schizophrenia (still have), multiple personality disorder (something which is slowly slipping away due to prayers). I was put on anti-depressants that ended up trying to kill me. It started in college. Some place I shouldn't had gone till I knew I could handle the stress. Long story short. Me and my girlfriend had a falling out. She told me she...er... he was transgender and I honestly didn't know how to handle it so I lashed out and told him "I could accept them as a guy" because there was too much change going on.I REALLY regret that... so so much.

My mom filed for divorce and we left my dads house and he yelled at ME calling me a bad daughter and a lot of other stuff that is embedded into my brain. My mom and I moved into my sisters house for a few months (she has 4 kids from age 2 - 13) and then into an apartment where I started smoking ( I quit cause it was gross) and where I almost daily overdosed with pills because my mom worked from 12pm - 1am and I had time on my hands.I also tried to commit suicide around this time, ended up in the hospital and all my friends abandoned me because them saying 'people have it worse than you' and 'get over it' wasn't working for me.

During my free time (I wasnt stable enough for a job) I took my car and tried dating some guys. One ended up molesting me in front of a Halloween store at 10pm in his truck. I was able to get him off, I opened the door and I pulled my clothes together and RAN. I told him I wouldn't take legal action if he moved away. He lives somewhere in Indiana or Michigan now. Still not far enough. Of course it would never be no matter where either of us go.

Went to therapist but all I gathered were bills.

Now I have no job because no one will hire me for some reason. I can't go to college yet because I fucked up and so did the college they wont admit it though. More shit is going down with my dad and I'm so sick of him. I haven't ever told anyone I was molested and it haunts me every waking moment and I don't know how to handle it and I cry all the time because Im too afraid to tell my mom.

I feel so.. Lost. Helpless. Hopeless.

Contemplated cutting again. Maybe trying to commit suicide again. But I know people who would bring me back to life to kill me again.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything is just looking SO bad and it hasn't gotten much better.

she doesn't want me growing up