Mar 23, 2020
not gonna lie it hurts me Deeply that no one checks up on me, ever, especially when I’m struggling like. haha I’m so alone! I don’t know what it feels like to have someone care about me!
Loading...
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Czechia
seen from Indonesia
seen from Netherlands
seen from United States
seen from India
seen from Sweden
seen from Czechia
seen from Georgia
seen from Yemen
seen from Italy
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Singapore
seen from Russia
seen from Greece
seen from United States
seen from France
not gonna lie it hurts me Deeply that no one checks up on me, ever, especially when I’m struggling like. haha I’m so alone! I don’t know what it feels like to have someone care about me!
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
oh my god i just remembered that when my anxiety was at its Worst two or three years ago i sort of just stopped experiencing emotions altogether (my theory was that the anxiety was so overwhelming that my brain just decided emotion as a whole had to go) and the thing is that my emotions are STILL screwed up and i couldn’t figure out why and how the HELL did i forget something like that?? i genuinely forgot that there was ever a time i DID experience emotions like a human being and i was like “huh i guess this is just how my brain works!”
when i was little i always preferred hanging out with boys and adults called me “boy crazy” but i knew that wasn’t it. i did like the idea of having a boyfriend, but that’s not why i wanted to hang out with them. i’m panromantic (or panalterous) and asexual so it’s not like gender actually matters to me in that way and granted i didn’t know what i was back then and i knew that i was “supposed” to like boys and i wanted boys to like me but it was definitely extremely performative. there was a phase somewhere around first grade where i called myself a lesbian and kissed girls and i remember thinking that boys thought lesbians were hot but i also hid the stuff i did with girls. so it was performative but... not. i think i subconsciously knew i wasn’t straight but i had a very narrow idea of what not-straight could look like so i assumed i must be the caricature of lesbians i saw in movies. anyway about the boy thing i always preferred hanging out with boys over girls and i never really could put into words just why but i thought they were cool. i wanted them to think i was cool. i wanted them to like me. i think i wanted them to see me as one of them. i think i wanted to be one of them.
i loved boys as a kid. it’s not surprising that i got called boy-crazy because i really did love them. i wanted them to like me and accept me and i wanted to be just like them and i don’t think it was about attraction at all and i don’t think it was a quiet internalized misogyny (something i feared occasionally. i would feel a little bit of future-feminist guilt when i thought about preferring guys over girls but there was nothing particular about girls i saw as lacking in some way. i just liked boys.) i think i liked boys so much because i wanted to be one. because i thought i should be one.
but i still don’t feel like a boy. something about the idea just doesn’t sit right and maybe it’s fear or maybe i’m really not a boy but i just don’t know.
Every time I say or think “Yeah I used to wanna be a boy sometimes when I was little but I’m definitely not a boy now” I feel like fourteen year old me insisting that I’m straight but idk bc I really don’t feel like a boy
my mother and grandmother (mother’s mother) are both extremely manipulative and selfish people and they both have a history of nearly compulsive lying and putting a lot of effort into keeping me and my sister isolated from the rest of our family and that knowledge is making me question certain things about my life and there’s no one i can ask about it
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
i have this thing where i tend to seek out assholes to dump my emotional baggage on (i’m working on it, i swear) and i think it’s because reassurance feels much more genuine when it’s coming from an asshole. nice people are always nice so when they say nice things to me, it doesn’t really feel true (even if it is) because i feel like they would have said the same thing even if it wasn’t true.
hate the fact that i can post on twitter (where my irl friends follow me) “someone please talk to me i really need to talk to someone” and i get crickets
hey quick question why the fuck do you say anything ever