Mar 23, 2020
not gonna lie it hurts me Deeply that no one checks up on me, ever, especially when Iām struggling like. haha Iām so alone! I donāt know what it feels like to have someone care about me!
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not gonna lie it hurts me Deeply that no one checks up on me, ever, especially when Iām struggling like. haha Iām so alone! I donāt know what it feels like to have someone care about me!
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oh my god i just remembered that when my anxiety was at its Worst two or three years ago i sort of just stopped experiencing emotions altogether (my theory was that the anxiety was so overwhelming that my brain just decided emotion as a whole had to go) and the thing is that my emotions are STILL screwed up and i couldnāt figure out why and how the HELL did i forget something like that?? i genuinely forgot that there was ever a time i DID experience emotions like a human being and i was like āhuh i guess this is just how my brain works!ā
when i was little i always preferred hanging out with boys and adults called me āboy crazyā but i knew that wasnāt it. i did like the idea of having a boyfriend, but thatās not why i wanted to hang out with them. iām panromantic (or panalterous) and asexual so itās not like gender actually matters to me in that way and granted i didnāt know what i was back then and i knew that i was āsupposedā to like boys and i wanted boys to like me but it was definitely extremely performative. there was a phase somewhere around first grade where i called myself a lesbian and kissed girls and i remember thinking that boys thought lesbians were hot but i also hid the stuff i did with girls. so it was performative but... not. i think i subconsciously knew i wasnāt straight but i had a very narrow idea of what not-straight could look like so i assumed i must be the caricature of lesbians i saw in movies. anyway about the boy thing i always preferred hanging out with boys over girls and i never really could put into words just why but i thought they were cool. i wanted them to think i was cool. i wanted them to like me. i think i wanted them to see me as one of them. i think i wanted to be one of them.
i loved boys as a kid. itās not surprising that i got called boy-crazy because i really did love them. i wanted them to like me and accept me and i wanted to be just like them and i donāt think it was about attraction at all and i donāt think it was a quiet internalized misogyny (something i feared occasionally. i would feel a little bit of future-feminist guilt when i thought about preferring guys over girls but there was nothing particular about girls i saw as lacking in some way. i just liked boys.) i think i liked boys so much because i wanted to be one. because i thought i should be one.
but i still donāt feel like a boy. something about the idea just doesnāt sit right and maybe itās fear or maybe iām really not a boy but i just donāt know.
Every time I say or think āYeah I used to wanna be a boy sometimes when I was little but Iām definitely not a boy nowā I feel like fourteen year old me insisting that Iām straight but idk bc I really donāt feel like a boy
my mother and grandmother (motherās mother) are both extremely manipulative and selfish people and they both have a history of nearly compulsive lying and putting a lot of effort into keeping me and my sister isolated from the rest of our family and that knowledge is making me question certain things about my life and thereās no one i can ask about it
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i have this thing where i tend to seek out assholes to dump my emotional baggage on (iām working on it, i swear) and i think itās because reassurance feels much more genuine when itās coming from an asshole. nice people are always nice so when they say nice things to me, it doesnāt really feel true (even if it is) because i feel like they would have said the same thing even if it wasnāt true.
hate the fact that i can post on twitter (where my irl friends follow me) āsomeone please talk to me i really need to talk to someoneā and i get crickets
hey quick question why the fuck do you say anything ever